Day 24 - The "Professional's" Guide to Emotional Instability

I was told today by someone close that, "My hope is you will find the strength to move on and find out who you are without relying on another (i.e. woman) to define you. Your emotional instability needs to be addressed - by a professional - but begins with strong desire by you to change."

Now, unfortunately, this is where my Father comes out in me.....

A strong desire to change.... Let's see.... 

I've moved hundreds and hundreds of miles away from the life I once knew so I could start over. I am alone. I haven't eaten in 2 days because of an unexpected request by my landlord to pay utilities which were not budgeted because I only just moved in. The person I thought was my soulmate cast me out into a pit of Hell where I LITERALLY faced a 9mm pistol pointed at my head by someone who wanted to rob me, a knife to my throat by someone that AGAIN wanted to steal from me, chased down an alley by some insane woman trying to stab me with a screwdriver... I have been homeless, abandoned, committed to a loony bin, hungry, penniless, and heartbroken....

I HAVE FOUND OUT WHO I AM!!! 

READ MY FUCKING BLOG OR MAKE A PHONE CALL IN THE MIDST OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO SEE WHY EXACTLY I MIGHT SEEM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!! I hate sounding like my Father!!!

I write here to quell anger and rage. As I have really no one to talk to (other than one individual) this is the only communication outlet I have - other than crying alone in the dark!

I know EXACTLY who I am. I am a kind soul that somehow actively seeks other souls in distress so that I might ease their pain. And I lose myself somewhere in the process. Perhaps it is because my life has been filled with pain and heartbreak since the tender age of 16 when I found my Mother's corpse in the back of an Oldsmobile Delta 88 - doors and windows of the car wide open in a garage choked full of toxic exhaust. Alone with a 5 year old brother whom I felt I needed to protect from that horror and look out for ever since. 

I've been called a "rescuer" by others. That I feed on trying to "save souls" if you will. 

Well, I KNOW WHO I AM!!! And right now the soul I'm saving is MY OWN!!! I am rescuing myself!!!! I don't want any help. I don't need any help! What I need is love - not lectures! My world has been turned inside out & upside down SO MANY TIMES!!! But I keep fighting through it all. I have endured loss and pain consistently for the last 30 years!

I HAVE found the strength to move on! I left Charlotte, NC with NOTHING other than the clothes on my back and my car. And I drove to find a beach. And through the homelessness, heartache, homicidal threats, and hopelessness of it all - I SURVIVED!!!

And YES MA'AM!!! I KNOW WHO I AM!!!

Love and hugs to you too...