On the Wings of Dragonflies

This was originally written as an entirely too long Facebook post in the wee hours yesterday morning, and I thought it deserved a better place to live as it really is more of a Blogpost. Thanks for reading!

For the most part I have managed to choke back my first instinct to publicly speak my mind when something temporarily takes me out of my happy pirate place and reminds me that I have very deep scars that still bleed. I will read something and then start to write some passive aggressive barb about it only to stop myself sometimes after writing it all out completely to then post for the whole world to see. And then I simply resign myself to say out loud to the Universe that it really doesn’t matter now does it? And I click delete.

The ones who wronged me and did their very best to destroy my life don’t care. So why give them any power.

A family that turned their back on me in a time where I was so lost I couldn’t even feed myself, and either lived in a crack invested slum motel with prostitutes for neighbors, the front seat of my broken down car, or shared a roof with roaches & rats for roommates in the back room of ghetto hovel. That “family” that has been non-existent in my life for 2 years and have no clue of the battle I fought to survive nor seem to care. So why give them that power over me.

But seeing this...

“The Dragonfly brings dreams to reality and is the messenger of wisdom & enlightenment from other realms”

It made me angry and moved me to write this post long after I should be in bed, except for this insomnia that likes to see just how long it can make my scars bleed before I can finally sleep. But in my sometimes sleepless life that I have been working to put back together for myself for 2 years I find that The Universe has indeed been teaching me lessons that now I can understand and make sense from.

This latest “Dragonfly” test makes the perfect example. Let me explain:

My Ex-Fiancé was big into Dragonflies. She claimed that the Dragonfly was her animal spirit and it was so very special to her because it represented metamorphosis and change. She identified with that, and hung her metamorphosis and change she’d experienced on how the theory that my presence in her life had changed her permanently for the better. In fact, the Dragonfly was so important to her I made it the very heart of my proposal speech I nervously delivered to her from Center Stage in front of a sold out audience during the curtain speech I delivered in the very Theatre where we first met. I went down on one knee when I called her to the stage to place a ring I custom designed to subtly symbolize a Dragonfly on her finger and asked her to be my wife, she said yes, the audience stood up in standing ovation, and then just 5 months later she destroyed my life plunging me into a Hell to be greeted at its door by my new roommates that the Orkin man should have evicted...

So, naturally my hackles went up at first glance of what the Dragonfly means and what it has brought me. But I passed the test for this lesson taught by the Universe. Because, according to what this says about the Dragonfly it is right on the money.

The Dragonfly brought my dreams of doing what I love more than anything on this planet to a reality. I get to be what I told my mother at 7 years old I wanted to be when I grew up. An actor. I make my living now performing onstage full time in the #1 rated show in Myrtle Beach, SC where I make memories for hundreds of thousands of people a year. And that same Dragonfly has indeed brought me messages of wisdom and enlightenment from other realms. For without this 2 year journey of self enlightenment which the Dragonfly has led me down, I would not have gained the wisdom bestowed upon me which I believe the Universe and my own Spirit Guardians have been attempting to teach me most of my life. It is no coincidence that I found this Dragonfly meme on my Facebook feed today of all days. It dawned on me as I compose this that today, October 2nd, 2017 would have been our first wedding anniversary had my life not changed so drastically as it had for me.

And with that insomnia releases its hold on me at this late hour. But before I bed down finally this night I would like to say one last thing. I would like to say a thank you.

Thank you Shannon. Thank you for bringing me the Dragonfly.

Mystic Pizza...

I find myself writing this morning just to try to once again work some things out of my head. I last wrote of unconditional love given by my mistress that I call the Theatre. How She is both a blessing and a curse that I is an actor find every time I walk either in or out of her loving embrace (in and out of the stage door). The love that I feel from her when I perform, and the loneliness that descends when the lights go out, the audience goes home, and I am left alone with my own thoughts.

Many, many years ago I was given a tarot card reading which I really didn't think much of at the time. During the reading one card was turned over which carried the most significance of the reading according to the mystic "telling my fortune." That card was "The Hermit." The mystic giving my reading took pause upon seeing the face of that card. I looked at him and asked what was wrong judging from the expression on his face. His look was not of concern, but more puzzled surprise. He told me that there was nothing necessarily wrong, however this card signified that my life looked to be like one man walking a very long road. When I questioned the mystic about his statement and asked him to elaborate further on what he meant, he said that it didn't mean I would end up a grizzled old man living alone out in a cabin in the woods. "The Hermit" card merely means that the road I follow will be one walked alone. Now seeing as my girlfriend at that time was present during the reading you can imagine my surprise at hearing this. I have always thought of myself as a bit of a gregarious individual and a very social animal. And given the fact that the love of my life at that time was next to me I was rather expecting to hear about the shared life, a dog, two kids, and a house with a white picket fence. Right? Upon pressing him further the mystic took my hand and pointed to a line in my palm. He pointed out the lifeline. How long it was and how it crossed with other lines. Some shorter, some longer, and some slightly parallel until veering off altogether. But that long line representing my life was a long single line. And to think of it as my journey on the long road of life which crosses many paths. Some briefly, some longer, some with you for a while, and some that go their own way. But that main path is yours and yours alone to walk. And to embrace the walk as a sole traveler.

That tarot reading was about 30 years ago. And For whatever reason I still remember it. "The Hermit." And it wasn't until recently that the thought crossed my mind again.

One of our fellow cast members in this fantastic production that I have been blessed to perform in finished his final show the other night as he is going on to another production out West after 3 years as a Pirate here in Myrtle Beach. He, his talent, and his leadership will be sorely missed here by all, and members of the cast celebrated with him in a final farewell gathering after the last show that evening. I only heard of it from the only other individual left in the dressing room in passing as I was leaving for the night. Being a new member of the cast and not being here as long as the others working with our departing cast mate, and especially not knowing of the celebration I didn't feel right to show up uninvited. There is a long history of years with most everyone else in the cast. But when I saw a "final" Cast Photo on social media taken immediately after a show that night with the entire cast in wardrobe I noticed a member of the cast was missing in the photo. A member of the cast that knew nothing of the photo until I saw it two days later on Instagram & Facebook.


It hurt.

And "The Hermit" tarot reading started swimming around in my head once again. And between that and going home alone to my rented room to enjoy a frozen pizza and "Game of Thrones" 1500 miles away from my family of friends each night after I leave the Theatre, the shadows of rejection and self doubt from my former life creep ever so slowly back into my head and make me wonder what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Maybe I'm an unknowing asshole. Or maybe there was indeed something in those cards.

At any rate, I find myself wishing for the kindred spirits of friends for company.

Or possibly 3 Dragons...

Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

The Irony of It All

"Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you."

I find such great irony in both this quote and this picture, both created by the mind of the same real life individual.

Upon reading this quote a very broken part of me painfully thought of another real life individual hearing this quote in her voice. Of course, the words she never actually uttered to me. But quoted words gave voice to her life destroying actions against me. The result rendering me homeless and destitute without ever being given a single opportunity to defend myself. And then the image... Looking through my shattered prism I can see that same woman depicted as Evil personified... Laughing at me and raising a glass to toast the life and love she destroyed by driving a spear through its heart. There still is a very damaged part of my soul that continues to bleed, and will instinctually see such quotes and images materializing into something resembling that woman. At least I can admit that and know that it is coming from broken place inside me.

The irony lies in the fact that my life which had completely lost all its hope and meaning to me just suddenly launched without warning and is traveling at supersonic speed. And from behind the wheel of this rocket ship there is that first individual I explained at the top of this post. The man who actually said, "Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you." and actually designed the image I posted here. And I'm gonna be on the ride of my life!

In 16 days I will take to the stage of the largest production I have ever been a part of and begin the rehearsal process. After which I will take the helm as the lead role on center stage and perform in front of the largest audiences I've ever seen in my life! The maniac behind the wheel is laughing wildly as he accelerates, and Dear God he is raising a glass to toast me! "To you! I give you Quarters as you seize mine!" he bellows! And I'm trying not to have a heart attack from the thrill filling my bones right now! And I'm grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat as this ride increases speed!!!

The irony of it all...

Day 356 - There Goes the Groom...

Picture this if you will:

A top secret plan to propose to the woman you love on stage in front of a sold out audience of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Theatre where you and your betrothed met for the first time. A plan so well conceived that you create a custom designed engagement & wedding ring, calculate the precise time you can actually have her two children and your brother all together in attendance - the three most important people in your life other than the woman you will propose to, blessings from both of her parents with her son at your side smiling and excited to hear his grandparents' approval, and the coordination with the Artistic Director of the Theatre where this is all going to come to a climactic conclusion one Saturday evening in May.

The night arrives! The cast is buzzing with excitement as they hear of what is about to happen during the opening curtain speech! The nervous man flips through his proposal speech wrought with the symbolism of the dragonfly animal spirit - a symbol important to her - representing metamorphosis of life! The actor portraying Jesus actually jokes with the man backstage by saying "You deny me?" when offering the man shaking his head "No" for a pen to write down some last minute notes on his speech!

The big moment! She is called upon from center stage by the man! The audience holds their breath as she glides across the stage finding him down on one knee, and then explodes into applause and a standing ovation when she says YES!!!!

It was a night straight out of a Fairytale!

But that is really it all was... A Fairytale ...

Today, October 2nd, 2016 was the day that nervous man was supposed to marry that beautiful princess. The day that Lamar & Shannon were to become Mr. & Mrs. Wilson. My wedding day....

In retrospect I suppose Jesus' denial joke to me backstage should have been an omen as my bride-to-be betrayed me albeit three times last October. Once by her infidelities, again by her excommunication of me from my life and home - my Garden of Eden, and thirdly by lying a final time to authorities condemning me to arrest and incarnation if I were ever to return to North Carolina. My own personal Judas... And my own metaphorical Crucifixion ending my life as I then knew it...

"Life goes on..." Or so they say. And mine has limped along nursing a still badly broken heart. My angels have been very quiet lately. My nightmares and insomnia have been monstrous noisemakers though. Dreams of the only son I would have once had - the boy parked at my side in his grandparents' living room as I nervously asked for their blessings to wed their daughter - dreams of this young man asking why I couldn't at least see him at Christmas. Dreams of the only daughter I could have ever known and her last soul searing scornful words to me that pierced my heart. Waking at 3AM and listening to the silence alone in the dark. 

I am indeed very sad today. And maybe that is why my Angels stifle themselves so. Because it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to remember the Fairytale. The Fairytale is full of love and warm memories that remain as the postcards in the scrapbook of my mind. The happiest of times to smile about and cherish. Maybe that is the lesson today as I reflect. Because when those memories come to life as I close my eyes and remember, it can push the darkness of my anger, pain, and resentment aside to allow for me to focus on the positive things instead of the negative ones from the past. And from there to find the goodness and happiness of the here and now where I find myself today...

Day 304 - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

Life hasn't gotten any easier since my last post, but it has taken a turn towards the ridiculous. And I mean that in a positive way.

As an actor I have played every role from DC Comics' Batman to Mary Shelly's Creature created by Dr. Frankenstein; I've rhythmically race baited as only David Mamet could pen upon a page, and fallen from Presidential Grace as Richard Nixon when dissected by David Frost with surgical precision. But I've never ventured far from home when stepping upon the stage for every performance.

Today I find myself 1400+ miles away from where I landed in January after my life was aborted and the woman I loved abandonded me in Charlotte, NC leaving me homeless almost a year ago. (You can read my initial posts from 2015 to get the history) This week I find myself on the road in Virginia on tour with a small band of brothers performing a Vaudvillian style western show where I play a sort of Bud Abbott Town Marshall accompanied by a Lou Costello Deputy who have to deal with a couple of bad guys deadset on shooting the Marshall as they pass through town.

I'm pushing 50 and have never been on the road as an actor. The irony in this is that I would have never considered this over the last 15 years. There were always those whom I needed to provide for at home - either financially or as a proverbial punching bag for either of the past mates I tied myself to because of my extremely poor past judgement in women. And now after losing damn near everything I find myself the perfect specimen as a "touring actor." Still homeless and broke for all intensive purposes I find a small amount of stability at last becoming somewhat self sufficient for the first time in a year.

And it is Good!

On the flip side I find myself missing my best friend. She who scooped me & my Frances (the cat) up out off the street, managed to stop my drastic 50 pound  poverty & starvation weight loss streak by feeding me daily. And loving me daily. Making me feel wanted again daily. Giving me back joy and laughter daily. Finding my inner child at long last again and giving him back the world as a playground, while having the love and patience to pick him up again and again when he falls down. I love her dearly and miss the kisses she restocks into the dimple on my chin every so often as to "keep my chin up" so they don't fall out! I miss my Frances who, I am told, has been roaming the halls crying and searching for her Daddy! I miss them terribly....

That is the Bad...

The Ugly started on I-40 as we drove by an interchange to I-77 --> Charlotte, NC... 

All at once the pain from my past life overwhelmed me and tears erupted as I looked through the trees rushing by my window. Memories of a family camping trip and white water rafting stabbed at my heart. Sleep was soon invaded by nightmares of a love lost clawing her way back into my peaceful dreams, ransacking every corner of unconsciousness. Like Poe's Raven, casting it's shadow upon my chamber door. An unwelcomed reminder of all I once had... Nevermore...

However, upon opening my eyes and waking from the bad dreams I find myself on the road realizing I no longer need what I once had. It would be an obstacle blocking the stage door that opens up to the sight of smiling children who greet me before and after every performance. And in those smiles I am reminded of why I love what I do and do what I love - why I act. Because it is only there that I am reminded that pain is fleeting, and the joy both given and taken on the stage overcomes a lifetime of sadness, if even for a moment. Followed thereafter by  homecoming kisses filling up an empty chin dimple, and purring yowls of joy twisting through my ankles. ☺️

Day 253 - 9 months to term... Stillborn......

Day turns into night... Night divides the day... For weeks at a time... And the darkness falls again... With the eternalness of a death spiral meeting me upon each sunrise....

All that remains is the pain. Sleep has given up its loving embrace to quiet my mind. Food is a luxury item donated by the kind hearts of others. Family is nonexistent. If it were not for the love of friends I'd have aborted my "rebirth" months ago... Long before the 3rd trimester of hopelessness found me shrunken and so broken... Dwindling down roughly fifty pounds from where I was in October....

The car is dead...

I am again homeless...

I am jobless...

I am penniless...

I am hungry...

I am sleepless...

I am so tired...

Joy is fleeting...

And if it were not for the love and kindness of a dear friend I would have nothing at all...

Dark thoughts cloud my mind as I lie sleepless in my nightmare....

I still tell myself that the sun will indeed rise each day, and with it is born a new opportunity for another chance at life...

But lately the day sneers at the rising sun with the breath of Hell, and another chance at life lies stillborn...

I need my Angels...

Come fly to me and pick me up!

11:11

Day 197 - A Story & A Snack

Kindergarten children have it sewn up when they are sad. They lean on someone they can trust looking for reassurance, and are told it will soon be time for a story & a snack. At that time all will be well in their worlds. 

I find comfort in knowing I've allowed myself to trust again, if only finding it in one other soul as of late. But it is progress. Days lately have been wrought with futile attempts to move forward. Money is non existent and food tends to be a luxury item. The harder I work the less I seem to have to show for it. This too shall pass I keep telling myself. 

Depression is a dangerous animal to give shelter to. It whispers darkness that steals light and joy. And within its silence a deafening roar of futility drowns out all progress made in the months past. 

It is here where I turn to the one I've grown to trust to illuminate the shadows I slip into. And with a smile, a hug, and a quick fill up of kisses to the dimple in my chin (so as I keep my chin up lest the kisses fall out) I am offered a story and a snack along with the promise that life is going to be great again. 

And that keeps me going another day more!

Day 162 - Six Months Served of a Life Sentence

It has been exactly 6 months today since I was driven from my former life. Many, many things have happened along the way. Every emotion in existence has poured through my soul. It has been a tumultuous time and an incredibly challenging journey I've found myself on. And now, 6 months into this journey of self discovery I quietly reflect on my victories and my failures. 

I still find myself bewildered by the fact that in the blink of an eye the woman I loved so deeply betrayed me. Brutally betrayed me and left me with literally nothing and put me on the street keeping me homeless for 5 months. She destroyed my life. Overnight. The woman I loved so dearly evicted me from our home together, which I paid for and worked so hard to create for her and her children during our 2 and a half years of co-inhabiting. She stole all of my property from me, lied to a magistrate and had me taken away in shackles from my best friend's house and committed into a mental hospital against my will, lied again to law enforcement and took a warrant out for my arrest for stalking her at Christmas even though I was hundreds of miles away in Florida. I actually spoke to NC law enforcement and legal counsel who all sympathized with my situation but told me I was "Shit out of luck" in not so many words because of how calculating each of her actions were. And finally, she poisoned the well so deeply with her lies about me that to this day I've not had so much as a single person in Charlotte (save 2) I considered friend or family ever even ask if I am ok. Nor any contact from anyone giving me any opportunity to explain my side of things or defend myself. I spent 15 years of my life there, and now I cannot ever go back. There is nothing left because of this woman. One cannot write fiction better than this. I feel like the Ben Affleck character from "Gone Girl." Manipulated, deceived, judged and cast aside like garbage without a single word by the very woman who told me I was her soul mate and would grow old with me. The entire experience of literally losing everything gives new meaning to the phrase "Mid-Life Crisis."

Never in my life have I encountered another human being so heartless and cruel. I've seen her now very infrequent blog posts chalked full of her self proclaimed goodness and concern for those finding themselves in hard times or horrible loss, and her hypocrisy as she encourages love, acceptance, and human kindness astounds me. I don't know if she is that delusional, or just being a sick kind of passive aggressive. Her latest post of comparing herself to a Phoenix rising from the ashes takes the cake! I have truly looked into the eyes of a succubus where I lost my identity while all the time believing in her and loving her. It turns out that she is in fact NOT pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough... For anyone... She is quite ugly, conniving & manipulating, and what some would consider dark and evil. 

But focusing on the black hole that sucked me in and ripped me to shreds would undermine the lessons and enlightenment I have discovered on my new path. I believe I was made to endure the darkness she buried me in so that I would be forced to either die in shadow or rise to the light. 

I said in my first post months ago that I could live or I could die - the choice was mine alone. And I chose to live. 

What I didn't know then was how complicated that would be. And when I say complicated, I mean facing choices that the Universe presents for me to make. Obstacles placed before me purposely to see if I can choose the path in the Light, or test me to see if I walk along the line of Light & Dark and still keep my balance. 

The balance cannot be kept. There is only self destruction that ensues by letting just a thin shadow of darkness throw a veil over the brightest paths of Light. It eats at one's soul like an aggressive acid, slowly dissolving away the purity of all the good places in one's path. And it is only when one makes the absolute decision to burn those shadows with the whitest of Light can one keep safe along the path where one's spirit can grow and attune itself to what is being transmitted directly to him by The Universe. 

In 6 months I have fallen harder, farther, and faster than seemingly ever possible  into my own personal Hell. I've been homeless, hungry, penniless, had a gun held against my head and a knife at my throat. I have attempted to numb my excruciating pain through self destructive means. I have cried more tears (and still continue to) than I ever thought physically possible, and suffered more than I honestly thought I could endure, and inevitably considered would be the death of me. 

But in 6 months I have also seen what I can only explain as Devine Intervention. I have physically felt the presence of my Guardian Angels. I have, and continue to, attune my physical and spiritual being to the messages and signs those Angels send to me with ever more frequency. I have reconnected with my dearest and oldest friends by coming home. I have learned to let go, and found new wisdom by becoming strong enough to know when I need help and brave enough to ask for it. I have witnessed miracles born from love, and I have again learned to feel love in my heart. 

There has been an awakening... And I have felt it!

My heart has found a place for its love to land. Home. With the dearest souls I have ever encountered. So many pure beings of Light that have restored my faith in humanity. I have been overwhelmed by their giving nature and the outpouring of their love. They have all lifted me up, restored my trust in myself, and given me back the hope I'd lost. They have made it very clear to me that I am a good human being and have always been. My doubt and self loathing have been eliminated and replaced with faith and self confidence. I am so truly blessed. 

I still have a long way to go to make a full recovery. My goal for these next 6 months is to allow myself to let my dreams take flight. To build on my new self confidence where nothing will stop me. To learn how to again be able to intimately love another, and how to again be able to trust someone implicitly. To let the wounds cut so deeply into my soul heal without hideous scars. It will take time to get there. But I have the confidence now that it will get there. 

Last night I celebrated. My dear friend Lynda and I toasted to my new life. To my rebirth. And to survival... Survival of the first Six Months Served of a Life Sentence. 

Life is just beginning...

Day 147 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part II

Miracles happen. I have witnessed them. My faith in humanity has at last been restored! My faith in myself has been rediscovered! And I can finally see, hear, and feel what the Universe has been silently screaming in my direction for years now. 

It starts with letting go. Letting go of fear, anger, and hate. Surrendering to a Higher  Power and living life one day at a time. Knowing what I can and cannot control. Trusting myself and listening to my instincts. And accepting love that I never knew existed.

The last 2 weeks have been hard. I continue to feel the void of all I have lost, as well as the sadness and pain left in its wake. But I have felt something new as of recent that now coexists with this darkness. I can find faith where I once had none. I can hear and feel my Guiding Spirits giving me assurances and strengthening my instincts. I can let go of that which I cannot control and surrender to the Universe. And I have become strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when I need help, and brave enough to ask for it. 

I am 3 weeks into my new home. My new landlord has been gracious enough to allow me to pay weekly portions of my rent for my first month so I can get back on my feet. He has opened his door to me when all others have been closed. I've been disqualified from every apartment I've applied to because of the bankruptcy my ex-wife forced me into and the outstanding warrant for my arrest my ex-fiancé made for me at Christmas stating I was stalking her in NC (unbeknownst to me while I was hundreds of miles away in FL shuttling beach rats and holiday drunks around from bar to bar.) Those things tend to show up on the standard background check required when one attempts to rent an apartment... But I digress... I explained to my landlord the challenges I faced and he helped me despite of them. 

Then 2 weeks ago my car (my livelihood as an Uber driver) decided to die on the freeway at 70mph leaving me stranded. I was faced with several hundred dollars of repair work now in addition to several hundred dollars to keep the car insured and a few hundred dollars needed for rent that maxed out my budget. Throw in the little fact that I would be out of work for a full week to allow for the car repairs and let panic ensue!

But instead of panicking and letting anger, fear, and frustration get the better of me I looked to the light. I saw the test the Universe put before me. And I let go and asked my Guiding Spirits for help. They gave me the courage to turn to those who have never turned their back to me, my friends. My oldest and dearest family of friends of my life. 

A miracle happened. 

Those who encouraged me to come home - that circle of lifetime friends - passed the proverbial hat around through the magic of social media to help a fallen comrade and lift him back up on his feet. People I have not seen up to that point for 25+ years. I went to bed that Sunday night praying for help. I woke up to a multitude of letters of love, support, and well wishes. All accompanied by $1600 of collected donations from them to pay for repairs, insurance, and housing so that I could work and have shelter. From my friends. Given with love and without hesitation. 

I cried. I cry as I write this. 

The human heart and soul are so incredibly powerful. And just as one so black cast me aside into the darkness allowing me to doubt my self worth and reason for existence, hundreds have pulled me back into the light with love to let me know that I've always mattered to them, and the hole that would be left by my lack of physical existence would be too great to ever fill. 

Suzy, who I wrote about in my last post, continues to tell me that daily. Lynda, an old college friend wrote about it recently and has created a new 3rd grade fanbase cheering me on. I'd said something years ago about her that lifted her up during a rough time for her personally, and she's held on to it for all these years. She was teaching her class about Watershed Moments and this is what she said:

Lamar Wilson and I attended college together, and I didn’t know him well. It was a small department at a small school, so we knew of each other and after we graduated I got to know his unique performance style.Over the last year Lamar has fallen on hard times.

I don’t mean he got a bummer of a performance review or got a flat tire on the freeway. I mean life knocked him down and then spit on him once he was there.  Lamar is definitely too nice of a guy for a fate like that to befall him.

Then Lamar asked his friends for help.

Within hours, several of his friends made contributions to give him a leg back up. This includes me.

Now I’m not much in a position to help many people out, but years ago, when I was in college and going through a dark and difficult time, Lamar said something that I really needed to hear. He said it at a party that I didn’t even attend. I’m fairly certain that a lot of people were helped out by Lamar in a similar way.

He paid me a kindness that he didn’t have to, so I paid him one right back.

My hopes are that he will get blessings a thousandfold back for those he distributed to the world.

When she sent that to me I literally went down to my knees and wept. My face and neck tingled, feeling like an electric current was running through me. I think it was my Guardian Angels touching me and allowing me to see the good man I am and giving me the faith to at long last believe it. 

Lynda talks to me daily and brings me fits of laughter and joy with her fantastic sense of humor. We got to finally catch up the other night over the last 25 years. I think we'll collaborate on future projects because the parallels in our lives are as bountiful as the humor we seem to find in them and each other. 

I was told by my aunt months ago that the Universe was beckoning me to go home to revisit things in the past so as to be able to move forward into my future. I hear what it is saying now, and I will continue to listen. I am truly home now. Home amongst the love of my friends and the miracles of which they are, and they bring!

Day 131 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part 1

Each day I read the memes like the one posted here above. I used to post each one on my Facebook page as I read them. Now I will only post one or two per day as it pertains to how I feel on any particular day. It may seem silly, and others have told me "Enough! Good grief!" But I find these daily reminders quite inspirational. They give me affirmation of the positive thoughts I try to keep circulating through my heart, mind, and soul. And believe it or not they bring on the positive energy they are written about. They speak of lessons needed to be learned to free one's soul. 

Last week I sat at the airport much as I do each day waiting for arriving passengers needing a ride. I received a Facebook friend request from what appeared to be a former high school classmate. There were very few mutual friends listed, no photo of the person, and a rather generic message stating, "Hi I am so excited to find you!  How are you? I've sent a friend request I hope you dont mind..." The profile picture was a meme with the following poem by Jean Kyler McMamus entitled The Miracle Of Friendship:

There is a miracle called Friendship

that dwells within the heart

and you don't know how it happens

or when it even starts.

But the happiness it brings you

always gives a special lift

and you realize that Friendship

is God's most precious gift.

In today's day and age cyber hacking and identity theft are rampant. And because of no other photo and the generic message sent to me I considered the request spam and deleted it. 

Last Saturday I was sitting in the same terminal and in the same parking space waiting on a dispatch to pick up another passenger at the airport. I received another message and friend request from the same individual. Only this time the message said, "I have not talked to you since your senior yr in HS. You played the elephant man in the school play. That was an awesome role and you were amazing. Personally your friendship meant a lot to me." At that point I knew that this was indeed someone genuine and not a hacker trying to hijack my Facebook account. 

We chatted throughout the morning through the messaging app and at some point she'd stated that she'd like to see me again if I'm out her direction. I racked my brain to try and put a face with her name. I kept coming up blank. But I felt like there was a reason this person has been put in my path. I am constantly working to listen to what the Universe is telling me, and I was feeling an unexplainable urge that afternoon to see why exactly this woman was made to reconnect with me. And as the Universe would have it, I found myself drawing ever closer to her location upon each fare I picked up & dropped off that afternoon. I felt my Guiding Spirits were speaking to me, and I at last surrendered to their message and drove across the lake to find out who this individual was and why she has been put in my path. I knew there had to be a reason! So, upon crossing the lake just as I had thousands of times in my youth, I found myself back in my hometown. And I sent her a message saying that I'd found my way nearby and would she like to join me for lunch. My phone rang immediately and I headed to her apartment following a quick conversation with her. I still could not remember her face, but I felt a presence giving assurance that I needed to meet her. 

I made it to her address, quickly straightened myself up and walked to her door. The door opened. And then it all came flooding back to me when I saw her. Little Suzy. The little girl from the past severely hobbled by a crippling disease and many painful surgeries. The little girl from school who loved giving and receiving hugs from all of my former classmates. The little girl, who had looked up from her crutches in High School, her big brown eyes full of tears, reaching up to me after one of my final performances as John Merrick, The Elephant Man, grabbing hold of me to tell me how much I had touched her with my character. There she was again. All grown up. Her hair longer with a few grey hairs, but the same little girl. I hugged her close and then helped her into the car to go find a place to eat and talk. 

Throughout our conversation it was made clear to me exactly why she had been placed in my path. Her story of loss, suffering, pain, and loneliness erupted in tears over the table, and I found myself recalling the memes I so often read and reciting them back to her to say that she is not alone, and that something great lies ahead for her. At the same time I was reminded myself of the very same thing, though my loss and pain could not even compare to what she had been made to suffer through. As it turns out she had been writing her life's story and there is great interest from a publisher. I told her that her story can inspire millions of people. That maybe her book is why she has had a difficult life, and that her story could bring about hope in people that have lost it. I felt myself touched by the telling a of her past, and it stirred something within me. Soon I saw her big brown eyes grow brighter, her tears faded away, and before I knew it the inner child in me had her doubled over in laughter. She touched my inner being. The one lost for so long. And like a jack-n-the-box I found myself wound up and popping out with excitement. The real me. And we both said goodbye to each other with new rejuvenation of life. She promised me she would keep writing. That she would finish her book she'd stopped because of the past pain it all brought back. And she is writing. And I have promised to go see her every week to get her out of the house a bit for some time with an old friend. And maybe a few bear hugs!

Day 123 - Brick & Mortar: The Foundation of Victory

I woke up this morning for the first time in a month with heat, and was able to take a hot shower. There are so many things we take for granted... Until they are stripped away from us. So, this morning I celebrate a victory! I am at last no longer homeless. I have secured lodging made of brick & mortar. And I finally have a physical address I can use where I will now call home for the foreseeable future!

I spoke with an old friend last week who had also fallen on hard times, not unlike myself. In our conversation I tried to convey to him positive thoughts and hope. It turns out positive energy found its mark for both of us: I found a home and he made his first commission on a new job! After we spoke and congratulated each other on our personal victories he wrote the following:

"Things I learned today:

The word "perspective" is from the Latin word "perspicere" meaning to see through. In other words, with the proper perspective you can see through all the bullshit that life has the audacity to send your way. 

Proper perspective leads to a proper outlook on life. This leads to seeing those yearly, monthly, weekly and daily victories. And by all means, when those victories come (I promise they will) never forget to spike the ball, do your end zone dance and celebrate."

When we spoke after he posted that he stated, "See, I was paying attention today when we spoke!"

And that really sums it up for me. No matter how awful things seem to be, someone somewhere is in an equally dismal situation. From the darkness of a rat infested and filthy hovel I held onto faith that life will get better and to not give up! And when he explained his state of depression and hopelessness I told him to give it one more day. That tomorrow brings new opportunities for us all. And to trust that a Higher Power has something better for us. Have faith. 

The next day brought victories for both of us; a new home for me, and a healthy commission for him. Victories that gave us both a revitalized strength to carry on, and a rejuvenated faith that the Universe IS listening.

And the light we walk in grows brighter, and I am dancing my happy dance in the end zone while my friend is spiking the ball over his own goal line!

Day 114 - Winds of Change

In the vast prairie that is West Texas the unending horizon is now dotted with thousands of windmills that can be seen as far as the eye can see. And as I gaze out my window onto these vast plains I see these windmills spinning like enormous pinwheels that some mischievous child has planted into the middle of a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western. It drives home the fact that the world is continually evolving - harnessed by the winds of change. 

A dear old pair of friends put me to work yesterday in Hobbs, NM. We haven't worked together in almost 25 years. Chris & Joey still look fantastic! Still the same after 25 years - maybe a few more gray hairs (as with me) - but still the same nonetheless. With one difference: 25 years of life lessons... Winds of change... Gone are the faces of youthfulness and naivety. Replaced by faces showing expressions of life's lessons learned and souls now filled with wisdom from those same lessons. But what still burns through is the playful child in them both. That ever present need to play coupled with the wisdom gained over the last 25 years of life have made them very successful - and more importantly brought a peace & love to their faces I had not seen before. 

And so I reflect as I watch the pinwheels of the west spin away. As they illustrate a different appearance today on the horizon I so frequently looked to in my youth - harnessing the winds of change to create the energy that will support West Texas lives. And spinning in a way that inspires my inner child's imagination. 

Stay young, play in your sandbox, and use your past life lessons to successfully create your destiny of love, peace, and happiness!

Day 110 - Hope Springs Eternal... Many Happy Returns!

Tomorrow I will find myself walking this planet for 46 years, and I have found this birthday week filled with with a multitude of gifts. Not the kind one finds wrapped with eye catching, colorful paper - but gifts to be grateful for and celebrated. Gifts sent in the forms of signs from the Universe that I am finally in the right place to begin the rest of my life. Gifts of friendships, love, work, family, and signs of guidance and light. 

My soul continues to hum & vibrate like a tuning fork that is resonating with the world around me. The signs are everywhere every day and I find my psyche aligning with what the Universe is saying to me more with each passing day. 

Monday the Universe guided me into an up close and personal view of complete loss and devastation. 3 times. I was led through the neighborhoods of Rowlett, Texas where an F4 tornado leveled homes in a scene that I can only describe as what looked like a war zone. 3 times. And each of those times I was sent a message of hope amongst the devastation that laid before me. A young man suffering with a brain trauma, and two women in the final weeks of pregnancy. I was given examples of life and joy that were emerging out of desolation. 

The young man: suffering from a lifelong brain injury, and now homeless from the loss of his home, as well as the overwhelming pain in his head. Yet, he did not complain. He was grateful for the medical attention he was receiving and the temporary home made for him where we drove. He chatted happily the entire way like a chirping bird in a new dawn's light. 

The 2 women: 2 different rides given to them - One at the end of her 9th month of pregnancy with her 3rd child - a girl. And one midway through her 9th month with her 1st child - a boy. Both coming out of different sides of the neighborhood of destruction, and both glowing and joyous for the new life they are about to bring forth. 

Gifts to me from the Universe with a loud and clear message that Hope Springs Eternal. And each one leading me back through my past into Rockwall where I grew up. 

It was a day of fond memories for me. A trip down memory lane where I found joy in recalling childhood events I'd long forgotten. A torrent of happy memories poured out with every home I drove past in my old neighborhood. What's more, 3 different childhood friends reached out to me through Facebook Messenger just after I drove past their old homes where they grew up. More gifts given to me from the Universe. The best of which was hearing from Melissa, my oldest childhood friend, just minutes after I stood looking at her old home and laughing to myself about our past antics & adventures together that suddenly revisited my mind. We had lunch today, by the way. And she is still the same pretty little girl with the million dollar smile I grew up with but haven't seen in 30 years. Another gift!

Yesterday I picked up an old college class mate at DFW Airport. My Uber alert told me I had a passenger named Kathy (from NJ) requesting a ride. By chance I randomly got assigned the fare in the airport queue. Then, a 45 minute drive talking about our collective college friends. More joy and fond memories bubbling up into my brain! Again, a gift...

I've booked 2 acting jobs this week and will work a 3rd on Saturday with another college chum. More gifts!!!

2 random fares this week, both in the entertainment industry, and both who requesting my résumé. Additionally, both separately spouting off names of friends we had in common. Gifts - all!!!

And so, as I close my eyes for the final night of my 45th year, I celebrate my 1st half of life. I give thanks to all it has bestowed upon me - both its pain and its joy. Because it has made me into the man I am now. Taught me that which I need to wake up in the morning to begin my 46th year with joy, and cherish each day that follows for the next half of my life!

Day 100 - A Love From Beyond, A Friend From The Past, A Light In The Darkness

I've said previously that I believe that those who we have loved in life and lost to death never really leave us. They continue to stay with us on a different plane of existence that we do not yet understand. Some are with us more than others, some check in from time to time, and some never leave us. They are our Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides. They communicate with us regularly on a very different frequency. But in order to hear what they say we have to pay attention to the signs they send us. And I think over the last 4 months I've become more attuned to them. And even though I am not a religious person, I am certain that there are things that coexist with us on a different plane that logic & science cannot explain. Some call it God. Some call it a Higher Power. Some call it the Universe. Whatever you may call It, It just answered my cries in my darkness with Its Light. 

Powerfully!

And with such an intensity that the core of my soul continues to vibrate from the "4th dimension sonic boom" that shattered its windows early Saturday morning. 

That's the best way I can describe it. Some would say it was God at work. Others would say it was merely a coincidence and logically find a way to say I'm reading what I want to think into it. 

I say, call it what you want. I KNOW what it was. I KNOW what I felt and what is still occurring from the aftershock that has continued in my soul since. And it was the moment that will forever change my life on a day I will never, ever forget.

My Zero Hour. The moment I made peace with the core of my pain and completely let it go. My moment of clarity. 

I got sick Wednesday night. Became sicker Thursday. By Friday night I thought I needed to be hospitalized. My normal urination went from a normal hue to a lovely shade of dark brown, and then ceased altogether. My back was in so much pain I could barely stand, let alone walk. I started to feel delirious from what I would guess to be my kidneys taking a couple days off giving my body an abundant cocktail of unfiltered blood.  After a 6:00am excruciatingly painful walk next door to Wal-Mart for cranberry juice and pain reliever I was ready to die. And after 3 days of witnessing crack cocaine being dealt in the parking lot of my "budget weekly stay" motel, and an endless revolving door of clientele seeking late Friday night service from the prostitutes on either side of my cozy room, I began welcoming it. 

I began thinking about the reality of my now pathetic existence. I didn't work for 3 days because of my illness. I won't be able to pay for a room in this Hell Hole next week. How am I going to ever be able to afford a deposit/1st/last month rent on anything when I can't even pay for a night now in this shit hole? And how can I work to make & save the money I need to escape this Hell if I live in my car? And then how will I ever be able to focus on starting my life over with no escape from Hell? And with every moan, groan, and headboard banging into the walls in front and behind me hour after hour after hour, I thought of more simple expenses of life that have become barricades obstructing every avenue of escape. And when the thought of an uninsured hospitalization expense came to mind as I stared at the phone debating on whether or not to call 911, I surrendered. 

It is said that when one is near death one can see both dimensions of existence simultaneously. I don't know if that is true or not. I DO know that I felt an increasingly unexplainable presence in my room Friday and Saturday. I saw shadows moving across the room out of the corner of my eye. Both in the daylight and at night with the lights in my rooms both on and off. As Friday turned into Saturday the shadows became more prominent. There were 2 figures I kept seeing in my periphery - one the size of a normal person and the other the size of a house cat. I felt tickling sensations across my body when I sat in bed. Even stranger yet, I felt the sensation of something sit down on the foot of bed and touch my leg when I was lying down. And when I would walk to the bathroom sink for water I heard the sound of someone behind me in the other room who was watching me. And then I would return to an empty room. At the time I chalked it up to being delusional because of becoming so Ill, which then prompted the self debate to call 911. 

And in my darkness on a Saturday dawn I cried a pathetic and whimpering sob up to the ceiling saying that I've lost the strength I need to continue on this path that I am traveling on. That it now seemed a hopeless journey filled with emptiness. And with one last breath before I closed my overflowing eyes to surrender to whatever would be I cried into the dark, "Momma, if you are there and you can hear me - help me. I can't find the strength anymore that I know I need. I'm in so much emotional agony and physical pain now that I truly feel like I am dying. I don't want to die. I want to live again - to start over again. But I am so lost. Please help me." And that is the last thing I remember until I opened my eyes again around 11:00am Saturday morning. 

There is great irony in that last admission. For part of the sworn testimony my Ex-Fiancé concocted and made to a Magistrate issuing the order to have me taken into custody, transported, and involuntarily committed into a state run mental health asylum said, "Individual has been witnessed for months by respondent having 'full conversations' with his dead mother." I also find it ironic that someone so mentally ill herself made up that claim to have me institutionalized for mentally illness.  

But what gives me pause and is truly something that has, and will forever change the view from my prism of life is the message I woke up to on my phone from someone I have not spoken to in years. 

"Are you OK?"

This, from a childhood friend I grew up with. I chalked it up to either my blog posts she had read or catching herself up on my 4 month drama via Facebook.

It was neither. 

After she gave me a contact number She asked me to call her out of the blue. So, I picked up the phone. She told me that she woke up with a heavy heart for me. That she remembers the death of my Mother very well and that her brother had taken his life at age 45 just three years ago, and how she understands the fallout suicide leaves in its wake & how she's thought of me often after her own family loss. 

But suicide is something we merely experienced in life which has attached us randomly together in the Universe; having it and its fallout in common like some bizarre "suicide fallout" club.

That wasn't what prompted her to reach out to me at 9:00am Saturday morning though. It was a dream she'd just had. About me. Saturday morning. Waking her up at right about the same time I closed my eyes: 

We were all at a family fun center. Similar to a bowling alley with the arcade games, laser tag, bowling, bouncy rooms, and food. We were all happy and enjoying each other's company and having fun. Like high school but now all at our current ages and with our families. I was attending the gathering alone and without a family in tow. And then it came time to leave at closing time and everyone walked out the door except for me. And when she realized I hadn't followed everyone else out she turned and looked back inside. She saw me sitting alone inside the family fun center, and before she could ask me if I was coming along the lights all went out. And then she woke up. 

Her dream...

She told me she sometimes picks up her bible to read passages. And after she woke up so abruptly from her dream when the lights went out on me, she couldn't shake the unnerving feeling it left in her. She went to her bible to seek some of its teachings to lessen the uneasy feeling from her dream. She randomly opened it up to a passage that read, "If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord and rely on your God."

And that is when she sent me the message asking, "Are you OK?"

We talked for an hour when I called her. She hadn't read any of my blog posts. And she had no knowledge of the last 4 months of my life. She knew only I was back home in Texas recently. And at the conclusion of our conversation she said and then repeated, "Lamar, you are loved!"

After I hung up the phone I looked up and said, "Thank you Mom. I just found the strength I lost." And with that the pain  in my back started fading, and I have surrendered to a new hope & a renewed faith on this journey. 

Day 94 - Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

It's only a day away...

Day 93 - Suicide Solution?

"Wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker

Suicide is slow with liqueur

Take a bottle, drown your sorrows

Then it floods away tomorrows

Away tomorrows

Evil thoughts and evil doings

Cold, alone you hang in ruins

Thought that you'd escape the reaper

You can't escape the master keeper

'Cos you feel life's unreal, and you're living a lie

Such a shame, who's to blame, and you're wondering why

Then you ask from your cask, is there life after birth

What you saw can mean hell on this earth

Hell on this earth..."

Leave it to me - the consummate drama king to quote the lyrics from a man who boasted about snorting a line of ants. But then again, who am I to judge?

Before you all call the authorities, let me put your minds at ease. I don't plan on offing myself. Yes, that thought has been front and center in my brain today, but I've lived through the fallout. I won't do that to anyone else. Nor am I intending on drinking myself into a stupor. 1 or 2 bloody maries, yes... Stupor, no. Drugs, no. Besides, it is Sunday and not only are the liquor stores closed, but I couldn't even think of where I could find illegal substances in a place I've been away from for 25 years! Besides, I'm broke & homeless. 

No, I'm angry and frustrated. There is a broken record on this turntable of life for me, and I have reached "meltdown mode."

So I write. Alone. In a strange place. Sober. 

I stress SOBER because I have been accused very recently of being an alcoholic. 

I am not an alcoholic. 

My Father is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Wife is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Fiancé is an alcoholic and drug addict. 

I am neither. 

I am, however, in incomprehensible pain. 

And every day I tell myself to get through to another sunrise. And every day I do. I will cry myself to sleep tonight for the first time in a month. But I will also wake up to a new day tomorrow, just as I have for my entire life. 

I broke a Jim Beam bottle by accident a couple of days ago. It was about 3/4 full. I drank a little vodka with a Bloody Mary or two Thursday & Friday about 4 hours before I worked. Friday being an all nighter - pulling in the driveway at 8am Saturday morning. It was not the 1st time I worked all night to try and meet a monetary goal. I'm busting my ass 60+ hours a week to dig out of the hole I am in so that I can get a place of my own again!!!

The difference now is the perception of others. Others that care and worry about my well being. Of which I am grateful. Without those souls I would be completely lost. But, as I've said for many years: perception is one's reality. And my Demons tend to fuck with people's minds as much as they do my own. 

And it doesn't take much of them to bend reality towards perception. 

Whiskey bottle gone, small vodka bottle 3/4 empty, out all night Friday night walking in bleary eyed 8:00am Saturday morning, shaking, feeling ill, and sleeping 4 or 5 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Hell, if I didn't know me I'd think the same thing. 

But reality is a far different galaxy from perception. And my reality is the stuff of fiction in that galaxy - far, far away... But, unfortunately, it is true... All of it...

The long & short of reality is that I thought I wanted a drink. I was alone and blue, and like an idiot my Demons & I thought we could find some courage by talking to Mr. Jim Beam. MY reality set in and advised otherwise. And as I went to move the bottle back to the bar it slipped and broke cleanly off at the neck of the bottle, spilling its contents on the tile kitchen floor. I cleaned up the breakage, mopped the floor, put the broken shards of glass in a double bag and into the trunk of my car. After plugging tires on 2 other occasions I felt it better to dispose of jagged shards of glass in a mall dumpster down the road, instead of in the driveway trash can. 

But perception makes me an alcoholic trying to hide alcohol consumption... Or so the Demons say...

After I cleaned up my mess I sat down and cried. My self loathing surged and I sat and cried feeling sorry for myself for a number of hours.

I opened a small vodka bottle and had a couple of Bloody Mary cocktails at that point. Yes, I gave in a little. I'm fucking human! I cried, got it out of my system, gave myself a pep talk, took a shower, shaved, combed my hair, dressed, cleaned the cat box, kissed Frances, and 3 hours later was out the door trying to put my best foot forward to make some money. 

Here's the thing - I drive for a living now. 

I DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE!!!

My Father had a DUI. 

My Ex-Wife had a DUI. 

My Ex-Fiancé had THREE DUI's. 

If I want to have a Bloody Fucking Mary HOURS before I drive, know that I am an intelligent enough human being to know the difference between .08 and sober! And if that doesn't suit you - tough shit! It wouldn't be the first time the truth has been obliterated regarding me, my character, and my life!!! My character assassination has more bullet holes now than an 80's action movie!!!

All I want to do is start my life over. I don't know if you that read these posts can fathom what it is like to start over at mid-life from literally nothing. No job, no home, no money, nothing! I work over 60 hours a week - 7 days a week - praying to God that my car can make it another month without service so that I can save enough money to put a deposit down on a shit hole of an apartment. But because my Ex-Wife is a vindictive bitch she-devil from Hell, I have been forced into bankruptcy. I have no credit because of her. I couldn't finance a TV dinner because of her. That makes it very difficult to find an apartment without $500 to over $1000 in deposit plus 1st & last month rent. Now that my Ex-Fiancé has stolen everything else I had left, I do not even have a bed to lay down in after I come up with a couple grand to even find a home. And the rooms that are furnished are slums not unlike where I had previously had BOTH a gun to my head and a knife at my throat. 

I hate my life at present. I am trying to change it!

The world is a cruel and rotten place. All I have is my character. And when that comes in question I begin to feel lost. And suicidal thoughts begin whispering in my head. Self loathing reaches a climax. I cry. I hate. I rage against the world. 

Then the little voice of reason pipes up in my head and says, "Have a Coke and a smile... Tomorrow we can give it another go! Close your eyes and rest. You can fight the world again tomorrow! Let your heart and mind rest. Until tomorrow..."

And the record on the turntable keeps spinning... And the needle hasn't moved in 4 months...

I'm terrified. For the first time in my life I am genuinely scared to death. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I want to be optimistic. And I will try to move the needle on the broken record again tomorrow...

But now, tears to sleep...