Day 45 - The "I's" Have It!

Having chewed on this for a number of days, I've decided to write about it. I was told that the reason I have not been spoken to by a certain close member of my family (not my former fiancé) is because she counted the number of "I's" I wrote I n my email to her when my calls were not returned. I was told that she thought that I am selfish & self centered. There were 22 "I's" in the email I sent (including the "I love you" as the email subject), and below is the message I sent on 11/23/15:

"I'm not sure why you won't return my calls. I know I am an emotional wreck right now, and I'm doing the very best that I can to rise into the light after falling farther and deeper into the bottom I have dropped into. 

I have always considered you to be my second Mother. I cried all day yesterday for a number of reasons, but particularly for the loss it marked. (11/22 marks the date I lost her husband & son to a car accident in 1981 - my cousin & uncle)

You have done so much that I want to repay, but I'm trying to just keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. I love you so much!

I just want you to know that I love you! You have my number if you'd like to reach out. (Aunt) has it too if you erased it. I don't want anything from anyone at this point. But I need love without judgement. 

I've made far too many mistakes, and I am paying for them with a severely broken heart. That is my penance. But I am working very hard to live again in the light. 

I just want you to know that I love you dearly and want to just want to wrap my arms around you to tell you that. 

I love you!"

Well, May God Damn me to eternal Hell for being such a selfish son-of-bitch in writing such a self centered note! I have only put others before myself my entire life, thus landing myself in my present circumstance. Perhaps if I was a selfish ass I might not care so much about others and lose myself in the process. Perhaps I DO need to be more self centered so that I can be myself again. It seems that all those in the world these days that think of themselves first seem to come out ahead! Alas, I could be the next Donald Trump!!!

I welcome any comments my readers may have about this. Call it a "selfish indulgence!"

L