Day 36 - The Ghost of a Soulmate

This morning brought me something unknown to me for three years. I felt the heartbeat and warmth of a new and different human being beside me when I opened my eyes at dawn. In the faint light I made out the blonde hair of a woman tucked tight into my arms. As my senses awakened they were greeted with an amazing floral scent and a tickling touch upon my face. 

And I suddenly thought I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. That She - my true love & soulmate from my past life - is still by my side holding me to her. And for an instant, before consciousness took hold of me, I felt such relief and love. 

It was merely a ghost in the form of another human being leaving me bereft upon another Sunday dawn. And I started to feel empty again. 

But then the hand of this beautiful woman took mine in hers, kissed it, and started telling me about a dream she had that woke her up just before daybreak. She dreamt of a blonde woman who walked through her dream. A beautiful woman that looked very sad and troubled looking down at us sleeping. She spoke of me putting her on the back of a black & white Harley Davidson and riding across a long bridge over the ocean. She spoke of mattresses lining the streets when she walked outside. All in her dream lying beside me in the dark. 

What took my breath away as she was speaking about her dream was the vivid details of the woman's appearance, the description of the motorcycle, and the countless mattresses littering the streets of her dream. She described my former fiancé perfectly. She described every detail of the motorcycle I traded in for the family car I wanted for my fiancé and her her children. And she described only what I can guess was a symbolic representation of the infidelities I learned of which ended my former life. 

And I never spoke of any of those things to her. 

Maybe it was another sign sent to me. Francis the Cat returned home to me this afternoon looking frightened. He hesitated when I opened the door for him. Was it the whisperings of The Beast sneaking through my new home like an approaching sea fog? Or was it my true soulmate calling out to me from my past life?

I watched "Good Will Hunting" again today and heard so many lines of dialogue that resonated with me unlike any other time I've watched the film. I think the one that carried the most weight for me was when Robin Williams' character (Sean) told Matt Damon (Will) what the definition of a soulmate is, and how only THAT person is able to challenge you as a human being to make you be a better man. 

I don't know which it was in my lover's dream - Demon or Angel. I do know this though, for the first time in almost three months the love I carry in me had a place to fly forth and land, if even only for a night. My tears today weren't a torrent as usual. That means I'm healing. On My Beach!

And the storm surge receded a little more today...

Day 38 - Happy Anniversary, my Darling...

I write this blog with my own tears flooding from my eyes. And in complete disbelief I say this to the one I love more than any other soul I've encountered in life - For some idiotic reason I am still in love with you, and the void I feel from your loss gets deeper each day. 

I write this to YOU, as I have no other means of communicating with you - You have forbidden any communication lest I be hauled off and incarcerated... (Hence my own disbelief in writing this...) I know you'll see this. And I am forever now trapped in the "Why? Wherefore? What?!?" of it all. 

3 years ago today I found myself completely under your spell. And from what you have told me about our first kiss, you fell under mine. I have never loved another human being as I loved (and still love) you! I remember the anticipation of going out with you a second time! I remember how frightened I was the night we first made love... You were (and still are) the most beautiful woman I have ever set my eyes upon! I remember the countless nights we stayed up until well past dawn just talking to each other, without ever searching to find something to say. I remember you telling me very explicitly that if I wanted to be with you I had to accept the "whole package" of you, your daughter, and your son. And I remember wanting that with you more than anything in the world!!!

I held you up when you were weak. You kept me going when I thought all was lost. You always made it a point to find something positive amongst the chaos and seemingly never ending cycle of turbulence that blasted a hole in the lives we were working to build with each other. 

We BOTH made mistakes. I am not going to point fingers at either of us. We BOTH know where the mistakes were made. We BOTH know the truth and the fiction (I know far more than I ever let on), and that lies between us, and only us. 

I have always been honest with you, and will continue to if I am ever granted the opportunity to communicate with you again. My anger and wreckage were wrong. I regret all of it. You successfully forced my hand to face my greatest fault head on, and work to overcome it. And I still am. 

But my emotions did not manifest themselves without provocation. For every reaction there is a causing action. I know what you did, and were doing for a considerable amount of time. And I did not want to believe it. The final lie broke something great in me to which I snapped. My reaction was wrong, and believe me when I say that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I have no excuse. But your actions that followed had no place nor justification. 

I have never fallen so far, so fast, so deep, and so hard, than into the bottom you threw me into. I still look back in complete disbelief that THE only human I trusted more than any other on this planet could be behind all of it. I know now that you had influence, but even so, you cannot fathom the darkness of the pit you cast me into. You held me like one who would hold a spider, or some other loathsome insect, over the Pit of Hell, worthy of nothing else but to be cast into the Fire. I felt like a disobedient dog dumped under a highway overpass and abandoned. 

You claim that you did what you did because you felt "helping the one I hold dear in the only way possibly left, I'm doing the best thing I can do for everyone involved. It may not be easy for anyone, but it's the only way that open-minded empathy can continue to survive. Help, Assist, Care, Support ... Not Shun"

To be brutally honest with you, you have now risen to the ranks of BOTH a liar AND now a hypocrite. Your actions damn near killed me - and not just from my overly inebriated self disparaging state of mind by my own hand... On three separate incidents after my regrettable actions on 10/10/15 I found myself facing my own mortality from others wanting to take my life from me. Of which, the most prominent still leaving me shaken, when someone had a loaded gun; a 9mm muzzle pressed against the side of my head... That happens ONCE and one tends to find out pretty Goddamned quick what kind of person one is. Your "Help, Assist, Care, Support" - DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO YOUR SHUNNING OF ME (despite your self serving written words) left me homeless and literally fighting for my life. 

Even finding my Mother's corpse almost 30 years ago at the tender age of 16 - her body lying across the backseat of a 1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88 with all doors & windows open in the vehicle, a Lionel Richie tape playing in the car - in an enclosed garage full of toxic exhaust - her body already stiff from rigor mortis - her blood settled in a giant purple blotch across every surface of her skin in contact with the back seat...

EVEN THAT TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE has taken a back seat (no pun intended) to what YOU put me through! 

"Help, Assist, Care, Support..." 

Guess what? I could do without that kind of help, assistance, care, and support!

You took EVERYTHING from me! Not just every material worldly possession I had fought to save after a 3 year battle with my ex-wife, but you took everyone I knew and loved away from me. 

YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!!! 

You took my love, my family, my friends, my pets, my "stuff," my home... 

YOU STOLE MY LIFE!!!

And NO ONE has questioned it!!!

May God Damn you for that one day. I think we both believe that Karma is a vindictive bitch. We have both seen Her come back around and justify the wrongs wreaked upon us... The Universe IS watching and listening...

And that is how I let anger, fear, aggression, and pain manifest itself in me now: I write it down. I don't smash and break things like an infant child having a tantrum anymore. It is no excuse, but that is all I had to learn from growing up and watching my Father. Again, IT IS NO EXCUSE! In a twisted way I need to thank you for forcing me into the mindset and existence I now own and employ.  Were it not for your actions evicting and excommunicating me from my former life and past self, I would not have begun this journey of self discovery. So, again, I have to say Thank You for that!

And even now, somehow, after all I have been put through - all by your hand, whether you know it or not.... A ward of the state in an asylum (and let make make it perfectly clear right here & right now that I am NOT mentally ill!), the homelessness by surgically removing me from the life I knew, the uncontrollable tears alone in the dark, the overwhelming pain ripping through my soul every minute of every day, the love inside with nowhere to go now, and the seemingly unending loneliness I find each and every day now... Even now, forgiveness flows forth and my soul still aches for you. You have been the first soul in my life where that forgiveness has landed. One word from you and I would fly back as fast as I could - as wrong as it seems - I would take you in my arms in a heartbeat- if only to hold you once more...

You will never be "dead to me" or "blacklisted" by me as such I have to the wrongdoers of me in the past - forever written off and forgotten to me, as you well know...

You are still uncontrollably loved...

I love you unconditionally... I miss you exponentially... 

Happy anniversary, my love... I am eternally sorry for how things ended, and I mourn each and every day because of it!

I am working very hard to live again. To trust again. And to love again... I don't know if my broken soul will ever heal from its damage. But I'm willing to try! I will take the lessons you taught me and make every effort! 

On my beach...

In my new life.....

Where you still live in my heart with my love......

And will forevermore!!!!!!!

I am so utterly sorry...

I love you....

I miss you.....

Happy anniversary, my Darling......

Day 32 - In Remembrance...

December 2nd has been a date I wish I could erase from my mind. It has marked tumultuous anniversaries for me: the date my divorce was final from my ex-wife, only to have her drag me down for the following three years into the muddy quicksand of a bankruptcy; the date I first asked out the woman I still love beyond reason three years ago today (formerly known as my fiancé) - She who cast me out of my former life without a word; and the date where 29 years ago a son found something no child should ever lay eyes on, the corpse of his Mother - her life taken by her own hand. 

I have done something today I have never done before. I travelled to see my Mother today on this date. I write this as I sit by her graveside. I guess I'm hoping it will bring some closure to a wound that still shoots pain throughout my soul. This is the first time in 29 years I've been with my Mother on this date. I miss her still so desperately. But I know she is still with me - although she lives on a different plane of existence as I. I know all those I've loved and lost this time of year are: Boo, Uncle Bob, Grandmommy, and Mom. I know they are with me because of the signs they send. 

This morning I woke at 6:00am - approximately the time I woke up 29  years ago to the house of horror I discovered. I went to the door to go outside to smoke a cigarette and down a cup of coffee before I went off to work. And as I opened the door I was greeted very loudly by my feline friend Francis who all but jumped up into my arms after a loud barrage of "cat chatter!" I take that as a sign because I haven't seen him in over a week. I was afraid something happened to him! No, as before, he was sent to comfort me in my sadness. Sent to let me know I'm still loved and everything will be alright. Just keep walking in the light!

So instead of sequestering myself away as I usually do on 12/2 I am sitting at my Mother's gravesite sharing my thoughts with her as I write. I know she sees and hears me from the plane of her existence.  And that makes me smile on this day - I love you Mom, and I miss you!

Michele Anne Wilson

6/1/47 - 12/2/86

Day 31 - Thanksgiving Leftovers of Precocious Pretentiousness

Usually the full moon makes people lose their minds. Last Wednesday people didn't. I pulled a 24 hour shift for some of the kindest, respectful people I've encountered in my new life. Generosity was abound as well. A good moon smiling down... 

And then it waned...

Thursday, a day of giving thanks brought out the side of humanity I left in my past life: selfish, self serving, pretentious, and precocious... Everyone!

It wasn't until today that people started to seem human again. Thursday I bought a $10 bottle of wine to give my Thanksgiving Day hosts. It cost 1/6th of what I had to make it through an entire week. But I'm not upset about that. I've managed through another week keeping fuel in the tank and food in my belly. What twists me is that I spent what small amount of my hard earned money for something I wasn't even given the common courtesy of a "Thank You" for.  Twice I offered up my small token of appreciation for the dinner invite, and twice I was snubbed without even much as a nod of acknowledgement! And it went downhill from there... 

Pretentious talk of how much money people had, how many millions of dollars their homes are worth, the boats they have bought for themselves, the new European automobiles shining in the driveway... People talking out their ass about things they claim to know about, and when I corrected them about an industry I spent over 15 years of my life working in I was made to shut up and mind my own business.... I don't have a wallet big enough to have an opinion worth listening to. I was looked down upon by those of affluence because I quit my corporate job and started a new life. 

The whole weekend sounded like a broken record - my customers treating me as if I was some kind of man-servant of theirs... Barking orders at me, laughing at me behind my back, bitching to each other about their miserable corporate lives and how much money they make... It was sickening!

I think that is one of the reasons I hate this time of year - not only does it bring me sadness because of the loves and lives lost to me during the holidays, but just because of the greedy and materialistic nature it has morphed into. 

I've already decided I'm going to work on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. I have neither the funds nor the family any longer for the Holiday to bring me anything other than sadness and heartache. I'll just spread my cheer in other ways: helping those that need a lift, need a meal, or just need a friend to listen. 

And that is what this time of year should mean to we humans: a time of giving. Not take, take, take.... No precocious pretentiousness. 

My uncle told me after I was hospitalized twice for what I thought was a combination of heart attack & stroke (turns out it was WAY too much stress) that I was 45 - half way to 90. My life is half over. And to start living the other half of it! And fill it with what makes me happy, not miserable. Life is too short! And that is what I've done! I've started living again - on MY terms!

And to all of those too affluent to appreciate and accept my new life and my newfound happiness - a life without much funding, but rich beyond measure without stress - I'll keep a good thought for you as I walk down my beach at sunset!

Day 26 - The True Meaning of Thankful!

I just wrapped a 24 hour shift so that I can reach some personal financial goals for next week. I even got a phone number from a pretty woman tonight for the first time in 3 years! The full moon shined down on me yesterday, and last night for a change, instead of turning me into a wild, howling animal it brought forward light, hope, and love of humanity! 😊

So, before I bed down for a well deserved nap today, I wanted to express my Thanks to The Universe...

I am thankful for a roof over my head! 

I am thankful for the food in my belly, small amount as it is (but I need a flat belly if I'm gonna wander the shores of My Beach)! 

I am thankful for the gas in my tank! 

I am thankful for the hundreds of souls beaming with positive light of whom I have met over the last month - restoring some of the faith I had in humanity! 

I am thankful for witnessing a breathtaking sunrise just before I call it a night. 

And I am thankful for those I hold closest and dearest to my heart - the ones who watch over me from this world, and the next!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! After you read this turn to the person closest to you and pull them tight to you, and tell them why & how you are thankful that he/she is in your life and suddenly wrapped in your arms!!!

L

Day 24 - The "Professional's" Guide to Emotional Instability

I was told today by someone close that, "My hope is you will find the strength to move on and find out who you are without relying on another (i.e. woman) to define you. Your emotional instability needs to be addressed - by a professional - but begins with strong desire by you to change."

Now, unfortunately, this is where my Father comes out in me.....

A strong desire to change.... Let's see.... 

I've moved hundreds and hundreds of miles away from the life I once knew so I could start over. I am alone. I haven't eaten in 2 days because of an unexpected request by my landlord to pay utilities which were not budgeted because I only just moved in. The person I thought was my soulmate cast me out into a pit of Hell where I LITERALLY faced a 9mm pistol pointed at my head by someone who wanted to rob me, a knife to my throat by someone that AGAIN wanted to steal from me, chased down an alley by some insane woman trying to stab me with a screwdriver... I have been homeless, abandoned, committed to a loony bin, hungry, penniless, and heartbroken....

I HAVE FOUND OUT WHO I AM!!! 

READ MY FUCKING BLOG OR MAKE A PHONE CALL IN THE MIDST OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO SEE WHY EXACTLY I MIGHT SEEM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!! I hate sounding like my Father!!!

I write here to quell anger and rage. As I have really no one to talk to (other than one individual) this is the only communication outlet I have - other than crying alone in the dark!

I know EXACTLY who I am. I am a kind soul that somehow actively seeks other souls in distress so that I might ease their pain. And I lose myself somewhere in the process. Perhaps it is because my life has been filled with pain and heartbreak since the tender age of 16 when I found my Mother's corpse in the back of an Oldsmobile Delta 88 - doors and windows of the car wide open in a garage choked full of toxic exhaust. Alone with a 5 year old brother whom I felt I needed to protect from that horror and look out for ever since. 

I've been called a "rescuer" by others. That I feed on trying to "save souls" if you will. 

Well, I KNOW WHO I AM!!! And right now the soul I'm saving is MY OWN!!! I am rescuing myself!!!! I don't want any help. I don't need any help! What I need is love - not lectures! My world has been turned inside out & upside down SO MANY TIMES!!! But I keep fighting through it all. I have endured loss and pain consistently for the last 30 years!

I HAVE found the strength to move on! I left Charlotte, NC with NOTHING other than the clothes on my back and my car. And I drove to find a beach. And through the homelessness, heartache, homicidal threats, and hopelessness of it all - I SURVIVED!!!

And YES MA'AM!!! I KNOW WHO I AM!!!

Love and hugs to you too...

Day 23 - A River Runs Through It

Emotions are a blessing and a curse. I felt the curse this weekend. 

The heart is the strongest muscle in the body. But becomes the weakest when broken. 

Sunday morning dawn greeted me with tears. A river of tears flooding the banks of my new home. Loneliness, heartache, and unadulterated sadness just flowed forth - unable to be turned off. 

And that will happen. When one loses something so dear to one's heart it is natural to mourn. 

I mourn a little every day. I mourned a lot over the last two. It paralyzed me. To the point I closed the door and cried myself to sleep, woke up, and repeated it for two days. 

Time will heal. I accept the pain. Tomorrow will come with a new sunrise and another day to help heal the heartache. 

I know you see this. I love you still, and miss you desperately. You have forbidden me to reach out, so just know I am trying to swim upstream through the river of tears flowing. Some days are better than others. But I'm still swimming through the ocean on my beach. 

I'm sorry that things ended the way they did. And I would take it all back if I could. 

I love you still and I miss you!

Day 19 - The Worst Kind of Goodbye

Maybe it is the fact that it has been rainy & gloomy for two days. Maybe it is because work hasn't been as busy for the last two days. Or maybe it is because I chatted with a pretty blonde at lunch today who told me about her 2 kids (a 21 year old girl & a 16 year old boy) which opened up a wound trying to heal. I just know that for two days the waterworks have been turned on and my heartache becomes the only thing I can feel. 

I got angry today. It was the first time since my rebirth I've felt rage - seemingly at nothing but focused on anything or anyone around me. 

But tonight I write instead of wreck. I'm working hard on letting my anger manifest itself constructively instead of destructively. And I reflect to discover from exactly where the source of my angst is generated. 

And after calm meditation and an inward look I've discovered it. 

You see, closure is something I've been deprived of with every woman I have loved. My Mother never told me goodbye before she drew her last breath. I was far too young and naive then at 16 to believe she would leave me. My teenage arrogance blinded me. My first wife cheated and I simply walked out the door and left, never looking back, and never giving her the opportunity to apologize or say goodbye. It was easy at 26. I was strong and had a plan. My second wife was a bully and an abusive alcoholic. I had lost my job and looked for work for 10 months. The abuse grew worse day by day, and my self respect dwindled along with it. It was only when given a new job, and saving newly earned money that I rescued myself from her abuse by retreating away from her, and attempting to start over at 42. No goodbyes. And now I find myself the cheap joke of someone's lies and deceit at 45. I was simply surgically removed like a cancer and cut out. And I think that is what has opened back up the flood of tears and pain over the last 2 days. 

I received a dose of my own poisonous medicine. When a line is crossed on me I consider that person dead to me. Problem is that I still love this woman unconditionally. Despite the 9 circles of Hell she put me through. But she made me dead to her, and I never got to say goodbye. It is easier to stomach that emptiness when a loved one passes away. But when they still live, and forbid any contact, and have literally stolen all things and loved ones- poisoning the well of friendships I drank from for 15 years - that is the worst kind of goodbye...

The one I'm forbidden to say...

Day 18 - The Siren's Song

Only a handful of people know where I am on this planet, and how to communicate with me. As I've stated in previous Blog Posts: I have trust issues. More so now than I have ever had considering what the human I trusted more than anyone on this Earth put me through and caused me to endure over the last month. My own Father & Brother know not where I am. So, as I've stated to many before I left - I am in the wind. And I intend to keep it that way. Call it my coat of armor disallowing anyone or anything to get in. It is how I now unfortunately protect myself. 

But my best friend in the world posed a question to me.... "Would I come back to my former life and love if I was given the opportunity?"

Ah, the Beast whispers to me in my lonely darkness.... Tempting.... Playing with my broken heart & soul....

Every day when I wake up I see the same placard in my new home. It states, "Man can not change the direction of the wind but can adjust his sails..."

When my friend asked me his question I immediately thought of that placard, and then thought of Homer's "Odyssey." When the Sirens' Songs lured ships at sea into a seemingly loving embrace, only to smash them upon the rocks...

I've adjusted my sails, and as tempting as the Beast might ever be if She were to sing to me, THAT ship has sailed... Away from the rocks!

Onward & upward into the Light!

Day 16 - Wrackspurts

"A Wrackspurt... They're invisible. They float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy, I thought I felt one zooming around in here."

For you HARRY POTTER fans, a Wrackspurt is an invisible creature which floats into a person's ears, making his/her brain go fuzzy. Supposedly, Wrackspurts can be seen with aid of Spectrespecs. Those suffering from Wrackspurt infections can possibly dispell them by thinking positive thoughts.

My beach IS my positive thought! My solution to survive IS my positive thought! A paycheck justification and a flirtatious comment from a pretty girl MAKE my positive thoughts these days!!! 

I had a "Wrackspurt" buzzing around my brain for almost 3 years. It clouded my vision. It blackened my light. 

But as Obi-Wan would say, "The Force will be with you... Always!"

Which, in layman's terms means, "Fuck you Harry! You use magic to bend reality to place self favor in your own physical dimension! Only to benefit you!"

I say, "The Force is MY ally! It is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, It penetrates us, It binds the galaxy together!"

So, I now ask this of you - Oh, Potter Alum....

Let go your conscious self... And ACT ON INSTINCT!!!