I still find myself bewildered by the fact that in the blink of an eye the woman I loved so deeply betrayed me. Brutally betrayed me and left me with literally nothing and put me on the street keeping me homeless for 5 months. She destroyed my life. Overnight. The woman I loved so dearly evicted me from our home together, which I paid for and worked so hard to create for her and her children during our 2 and a half years of co-inhabiting. She stole all of my property from me, lied to a magistrate and had me taken away in shackles from my best friend's house and committed into a mental hospital against my will, lied again to law enforcement and took a warrant out for my arrest for stalking her at Christmas even though I was hundreds of miles away in Florida. I actually spoke to NC law enforcement and legal counsel who all sympathized with my situation but told me I was "Shit out of luck" in not so many words because of how calculating each of her actions were. And finally, she poisoned the well so deeply with her lies about me that to this day I've not had so much as a single person in Charlotte (save 2) I considered friend or family ever even ask if I am ok. Nor any contact from anyone giving me any opportunity to explain my side of things or defend myself. I spent 15 years of my life there, and now I cannot ever go back. There is nothing left because of this woman. One cannot write fiction better than this. I feel like the Ben Affleck character from "Gone Girl." Manipulated, deceived, judged and cast aside like garbage without a single word by the very woman who told me I was her soul mate and would grow old with me. The entire experience of literally losing everything gives new meaning to the phrase "Mid-Life Crisis."
Never in my life have I encountered another human being so heartless and cruel. I've seen her now very infrequent blog posts chalked full of her self proclaimed goodness and concern for those finding themselves in hard times or horrible loss, and her hypocrisy as she encourages love, acceptance, and human kindness astounds me. I don't know if she is that delusional, or just being a sick kind of passive aggressive. Her latest post of comparing herself to a Phoenix rising from the ashes takes the cake! I have truly looked into the eyes of a succubus where I lost my identity while all the time believing in her and loving her. It turns out that she is in fact NOT pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough... For anyone... She is quite ugly, conniving & manipulating, and what some would consider dark and evil.
But focusing on the black hole that sucked me in and ripped me to shreds would undermine the lessons and enlightenment I have discovered on my new path. I believe I was made to endure the darkness she buried me in so that I would be forced to either die in shadow or rise to the light.
I said in my first post months ago that I could live or I could die - the choice was mine alone. And I chose to live.
What I didn't know then was how complicated that would be. And when I say complicated, I mean facing choices that the Universe presents for me to make. Obstacles placed before me purposely to see if I can choose the path in the Light, or test me to see if I walk along the line of Light & Dark and still keep my balance.
The balance cannot be kept. There is only self destruction that ensues by letting just a thin shadow of darkness throw a veil over the brightest paths of Light. It eats at one's soul like an aggressive acid, slowly dissolving away the purity of all the good places in one's path. And it is only when one makes the absolute decision to burn those shadows with the whitest of Light can one keep safe along the path where one's spirit can grow and attune itself to what is being transmitted directly to him by The Universe.
In 6 months I have fallen harder, farther, and faster than seemingly ever possible into my own personal Hell. I've been homeless, hungry, penniless, had a gun held against my head and a knife at my throat. I have attempted to numb my excruciating pain through self destructive means. I have cried more tears (and still continue to) than I ever thought physically possible, and suffered more than I honestly thought I could endure, and inevitably considered would be the death of me.
But in 6 months I have also seen what I can only explain as Devine Intervention. I have physically felt the presence of my Guardian Angels. I have, and continue to, attune my physical and spiritual being to the messages and signs those Angels send to me with ever more frequency. I have reconnected with my dearest and oldest friends by coming home. I have learned to let go, and found new wisdom by becoming strong enough to know when I need help and brave enough to ask for it. I have witnessed miracles born from love, and I have again learned to feel love in my heart.
There has been an awakening... And I have felt it!
My heart has found a place for its love to land. Home. With the dearest souls I have ever encountered. So many pure beings of Light that have restored my faith in humanity. I have been overwhelmed by their giving nature and the outpouring of their love. They have all lifted me up, restored my trust in myself, and given me back the hope I'd lost. They have made it very clear to me that I am a good human being and have always been. My doubt and self loathing have been eliminated and replaced with faith and self confidence. I am so truly blessed.
I still have a long way to go to make a full recovery. My goal for these next 6 months is to allow myself to let my dreams take flight. To build on my new self confidence where nothing will stop me. To learn how to again be able to intimately love another, and how to again be able to trust someone implicitly. To let the wounds cut so deeply into my soul heal without hideous scars. It will take time to get there. But I have the confidence now that it will get there.
Last night I celebrated. My dear friend Lynda and I toasted to my new life. To my rebirth. And to survival... Survival of the first Six Months Served of a Life Sentence.
Life is just beginning...
