Day 56 - Christmas, A Self Deprecating Walk Through Self Destruction Into Joy

I have to get this out of my head to release the anger and pain taking harbor in me on My Beach at Christmas... But also share some joy instilled upon me...

Oh joy.... Here he goes again... Off on an online tirade feeling sorry for himself! Jesus H Christ on a raft!!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST MOVE ON!!!! IT'S OVER!!!! GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! "SCRAPE YOUR SHOE AND JUST MOVE ON" as my Father's bride so eloquently stated after I was released from a mental institution where I was placed against my will, and then served with papers forbidding me from ever returning to MY HOME!!!! (Well, what more can you expect from a human that takes pride in being a founding member of a girl's club called "The Bottom Feeders?")

I had my Christmas meltdown on the morning of Christmas Eve, I thank God for my Aunt & Uncle making time for me to settle me down and talk me off a ledge! During which time they were attempting to get things together for a Christmas dinner with their daughter, her husband, their young children, and my cousin's in-laws. 

So I again thank them publicly for slapping me in the face with a proverbial "SNAP OUT OF IT!" of which I desperately needed and deserved! A grits, egg & bacon breakfast my aunt prepared - just like my Grandmommy used to, and a smoked mullet lunch my uncle treated me to - just like my granddaddy used to provide. Some comfort food!

My aunt knew a meltdown was coming from me, but I don't think she expected the intensity of my storm. But she & my uncle propped me up and reduced my emotional catharsis to just sporadic tears that would gently roll down my face over the course of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

I worked as much as I possibly could over the past two days just to divert my self loathing, and keep me from seeking out self destruction to quell the pain. My best friend called to comfort me, and on my Facebook page I was sent the following from a childhood friend:

"Just wanted to send out a Merry Christmas shout out. On a day where many folks can feel like they are alone in the midst of others togetherness ... this little post is a moment of connectedness out in the ether for you."

The combination of words from friends past & present along with family comfort eased my pain. And I want to again express my gratitude for the love and thoughts sent my way on a Holiday meant to be shared with friends and family. Thank you! It kept me together more than you could ever know! Add to that a couple of giving gestures - gift cards, an ornament, and a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" from my aunt & uncle, and a Star Wars XMAS card & ornament encapsulating gift cards, and home brew & fine cigar from my cousin & her husband all brought some Christmas cheer to my soul. 

But what brought the biggest smile to my face were my cousin's two children who both took it upon themselves to make me a human jungle gym which called forth my inner child, if only for a few minutes, to come out and play with them! It was Christmas for goodness sakes!!! I should come out and play!!!

And I did!

Day 53 - Blue Christmas.....

Cliche right? The Elvis Presley version of that stupid song just rattles around in my head... I feel like I need to get a rhinestone cape and some gold sunglasses!

I've had old friends from times past reaching out with love to prop me up. And I feel it, and I am grateful. But the sadness of my loss keeps creeping in....

Every day I do my best to let go and push through. But this week has been extraordinarily rough. I think it started when I picked up a couple from a Christmas party Sunday night and was witness to a "make-out" session in my back seat. Two lovers enjoying the Holiday Season together. Since that night I cannot help but see couples walking hand in hand along My Beach. Sharing their love together and enjoying a sunset. 

It hurts. The pain of my love, family, and life lost has swelled into an excruciating ache that I cannot seem to tamper down this Holiday Season. I find myself wondering what She is doing, and what the kids are up to, how the family Christmas will be at her parents' house... It is driving me into a mad and self destructive state. Work doesn't seem to bury my heartbreak this week. My eyes fill with tears driving down the road. I cried myself to sleep last night.... God, I just want to hold them all again!

I hate Christmas! I wish it would hurry up and be over so I don't have to listen to anyone else tell me that they "don't want to see anyone spend Christmas alone - that's just sad!"

No shit!

This hurt will too pass. Time will lessen its sting. Christmas will end as quickly as it came, and I'll go on healing on My Beach. 

But the storm surge came back... With red tide this Christmas...

Day 51 - Cyber-Hugs

I re-entered the Facebook social media realm on Thursday when "Star Wars - Episode VII The Force Awakens" finally premiered. I told someone today I returned to Facebook because I am so lonely. (Wanting to share a picture of my buddy Darth giving me the old "Force Choke" in front of the concessions counter probably played a small factor as well...)

But mostly, because I am a little lonely. Well, VERY lonely, if I am to be honest. 

The last two and a half months have been extremely hard for me to work through. And now with Christmas landing on Friday with a thud and my past life's family stripped away from me and gone without a trace, I feel the weight of my sadness and loneliness to be a little heavier than usual. 

So, back to Facebook I turned.... Reconnecting with the people who were most worried about me when I was at my breaking point a couple of months ago. 

Immediately, an outpouring of love flowed forth from my high school & college friends whom I have carried in my heart for decades. "I am sending you a hug right now," wrote one of my sweet friends. 

And it dawned on me, despite being alone, I now know I am not alone. Even with the two humans that know where I am and talk to me on a regular basis constantly telling me that I am not alone - it is just now becoming clear to me that I am indeed not alone. And I feel the "Cyber-Hugs" sent to me from afar to raise my spirits. 

So, to all of you - my sweetest, kindest, and dearest friends from times gone by - I thank you! I feel less lonely, and my heart warmed up from your love!

And the storm surge recedes even more with each warm wish and "Cyber-Hug!"

Day 47 - THE Awakening!!!!!

"There has been an awakening...

Have you felt it?

The Dark Side...

And The Light......"

This 45 year old man just turned 7 all over again!!! Alas, I have scored a ticket to the opening premier of "Star Wars - The Force Awakens" tonight at 7:00!!! I will squeeze into a packed theater that has been waiting for this day like overly eager Ewoks!!!! And I will join the the millions of cheering voices tonight across the USA that joyously roar with deafening glee as "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...." glows center screen in a brilliant lightsaber electric blue!!!

And then I will lose myself for 2 hours & 19 minutes and revert back into the little boy that was enraptured by a boy, a girl, and a universe that has since fueled my overactive imagination!!!

Now, if you would excuse me, I need to finish the original Star Wars Trilogy so that I am well prepared for what awaits me this evening!!!

Day 45 - The "I's" Have It!

Having chewed on this for a number of days, I've decided to write about it. I was told that the reason I have not been spoken to by a certain close member of my family (not my former fiancé) is because she counted the number of "I's" I wrote I n my email to her when my calls were not returned. I was told that she thought that I am selfish & self centered. There were 22 "I's" in the email I sent (including the "I love you" as the email subject), and below is the message I sent on 11/23/15:

"I'm not sure why you won't return my calls. I know I am an emotional wreck right now, and I'm doing the very best that I can to rise into the light after falling farther and deeper into the bottom I have dropped into. 

I have always considered you to be my second Mother. I cried all day yesterday for a number of reasons, but particularly for the loss it marked. (11/22 marks the date I lost her husband & son to a car accident in 1981 - my cousin & uncle)

You have done so much that I want to repay, but I'm trying to just keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. I love you so much!

I just want you to know that I love you! You have my number if you'd like to reach out. (Aunt) has it too if you erased it. I don't want anything from anyone at this point. But I need love without judgement. 

I've made far too many mistakes, and I am paying for them with a severely broken heart. That is my penance. But I am working very hard to live again in the light. 

I just want you to know that I love you dearly and want to just want to wrap my arms around you to tell you that. 

I love you!"

Well, May God Damn me to eternal Hell for being such a selfish son-of-bitch in writing such a self centered note! I have only put others before myself my entire life, thus landing myself in my present circumstance. Perhaps if I was a selfish ass I might not care so much about others and lose myself in the process. Perhaps I DO need to be more self centered so that I can be myself again. It seems that all those in the world these days that think of themselves first seem to come out ahead! Alas, I could be the next Donald Trump!!!

I welcome any comments my readers may have about this. Call it a "selfish indulgence!"

L

Day 40 - The 5 Stages of Grief - A Modern Myth

In 1969 the psychiatrist ELISABETH KUBLER-ROSS wrote one of the most influential books in the history of psychology, On Death and Dying. It exposed the heartless treatment of terminally-ill patients prevalent at the time. On the positive side, it altered the care and treatment of dying people. On the negative side, it postulated the now infamous five stages of dying—Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (DABDA), so annealed in culture that most people can recite them by heart. 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a fearless pioneer who openly took the medical profession to task for its callous disregard for the feelings of dying people. The subtitle of On Death and Dying explains the book’s primary focus: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families. The lessons Kubler-Ross learned from those dying people, coupled with her compassionate regard for them, became a focal point of the emergent Hospice movement. Somehow, over the years, the real virtues inspired by her work have been subordinated to the inaccurately named, largely imaginary stages. Somehow the 5 stages of dying morphed into the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. All of which except anger are merely a myth. 

Denial - My fiancé betrayed me, lied to everyone (including law enforcement), and had me surgically removed from my life in Charlotte of 15 years. Though there is shock that the one I held dearest to my heart and soul could ever behave in such a way after everything I poured out of myself for her, her children, our home, and our lives together, there is no denying it. I find myself alone every night and every morning now. There is no denying that. The complete lack of all of my "worldly goods" which were stolen from me leaves nothing to be denied. The empty space once occupied by family and friends cannot be denied. Thus, the "denial stage" of grief is a myth.

Bargaining - My fiancé went to great calculated measures to make sure I could not find any way to communicate with her after the death of our engagement and 3 year relationship lest I find myself incarcerated. There is no way to "bargain" with her for my things, for my pets, for some kind of dialogue, or for the $10,000 engagement & wedding ring set. She made sure she took every chip off of the table and stacked the deck in her favor. No bargaining. Another myth of grief. 

Depression - Though it is natural to feel sadness, depression is not a normal stage of grief. Depression is a mental health condition. Are grievers clinically depressed? With very few exceptions, the answer is “no”, and in those few cases only if they were clinically depressed before the loss that affected them. Grief is the normal reaction to loss, but clinical depression is abnormal and requires different treatment. The line between grief-related depression and clinical depression has become hopelessly blurred, in part because the medical and mental health professions have adopted the non-existent stages of grief. Am I sad because of the loss of my love and life? Absolutely! I cannot put into words how painful the last two months have been as I have tried to heal. But am I depressed? No. I don't turn into myself and close out the world for days at a time. When I feel the blanket of sadness envelope me I grieve, I cry uncontrollably for a little while, and like a summer thunderstorm I let it pass through me and seek the arriving sunshine by meeting new people and engaging the world. So depression in grief? Another myth. 

Acceptance - I wrote in one of my first blog posts that I faced a simple black and white choice after my life was stolen away from me: I could live or die. There was no "acceptance" of what She did to me - it happened. Acceptance, as it relates to psychology or emotions, is a vague and amorphous term. Since there is almost never denial or disbelief that a loss of a loved one occurred, the concept of acceptance is confusing, if not moot. For example, an 85 year old woman whose spouse of 62 years has died reports a different emotional picture about her life and response to that loss of a loved one, than does a 62 year old woman whose 85 year old father has died. Both involve 62 year relationships, but the idea that there could be a stage of acceptance applicable to both is illogical. Therin lies the myth of the acceptance stage of grief. 

That leaves anger... Things do happen when a loved one is lost. One may be angry with God, with circumstances leading to the loss, with the enablers that helped to influence those circumstances, and even with the person Herself for making the choices She made. But anger is not a universal feeling when someone important to us is lost, and therefore is not a stage.

To be honest with you, I don't know that you can even break down the raw and gutted feelings grief lays in Her wake into any measurable "stages" except for maybe one: time. Because time is the sole anomaly that takes any shape or form of a "stage" within the grieving process. Time is unending. It lessens the pain as it continues on, but it will never erase the scars ripped into our hearts, minds, and souls. 

Day 39 - Skin

Paint yourself a picture

Of what you wish you looked like

Maybe then they just might

Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus

Step out of the shadows

It's a losing battle

There's no need to be ashamed

'Cause they don't even know you

All they see is scars

They don't see the angel

Living in your heart

Let them find the real you

Buried deep within

Let them know with all you've got

That you are not your skin

Oh

When they start to judge you

Show them your true colors

And do unto others

As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this

Kill them with your kindness

Ignorance is blindness

They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you

All they see is scars

They don't see the angel

Living in your heart

Let them find the real you

Buried deep within

Let them know with all you've got

That you are not your skin

Oh

Well, they don't even know you

All they see is scars

And they don't see the angels

Living in your heart

So, let them find the real you

Buried deep within

Let them know with all you've got

That you are not

You are not your skin

     - Frank Feranna, Jr. 

Day 36 - The Ghost of a Soulmate

This morning brought me something unknown to me for three years. I felt the heartbeat and warmth of a new and different human being beside me when I opened my eyes at dawn. In the faint light I made out the blonde hair of a woman tucked tight into my arms. As my senses awakened they were greeted with an amazing floral scent and a tickling touch upon my face. 

And I suddenly thought I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. That She - my true love & soulmate from my past life - is still by my side holding me to her. And for an instant, before consciousness took hold of me, I felt such relief and love. 

It was merely a ghost in the form of another human being leaving me bereft upon another Sunday dawn. And I started to feel empty again. 

But then the hand of this beautiful woman took mine in hers, kissed it, and started telling me about a dream she had that woke her up just before daybreak. She dreamt of a blonde woman who walked through her dream. A beautiful woman that looked very sad and troubled looking down at us sleeping. She spoke of me putting her on the back of a black & white Harley Davidson and riding across a long bridge over the ocean. She spoke of mattresses lining the streets when she walked outside. All in her dream lying beside me in the dark. 

What took my breath away as she was speaking about her dream was the vivid details of the woman's appearance, the description of the motorcycle, and the countless mattresses littering the streets of her dream. She described my former fiancé perfectly. She described every detail of the motorcycle I traded in for the family car I wanted for my fiancé and her her children. And she described only what I can guess was a symbolic representation of the infidelities I learned of which ended my former life. 

And I never spoke of any of those things to her. 

Maybe it was another sign sent to me. Francis the Cat returned home to me this afternoon looking frightened. He hesitated when I opened the door for him. Was it the whisperings of The Beast sneaking through my new home like an approaching sea fog? Or was it my true soulmate calling out to me from my past life?

I watched "Good Will Hunting" again today and heard so many lines of dialogue that resonated with me unlike any other time I've watched the film. I think the one that carried the most weight for me was when Robin Williams' character (Sean) told Matt Damon (Will) what the definition of a soulmate is, and how only THAT person is able to challenge you as a human being to make you be a better man. 

I don't know which it was in my lover's dream - Demon or Angel. I do know this though, for the first time in almost three months the love I carry in me had a place to fly forth and land, if even only for a night. My tears today weren't a torrent as usual. That means I'm healing. On My Beach!

And the storm surge receded a little more today...

Day 38 - Happy Anniversary, my Darling...

I write this blog with my own tears flooding from my eyes. And in complete disbelief I say this to the one I love more than any other soul I've encountered in life - For some idiotic reason I am still in love with you, and the void I feel from your loss gets deeper each day. 

I write this to YOU, as I have no other means of communicating with you - You have forbidden any communication lest I be hauled off and incarcerated... (Hence my own disbelief in writing this...) I know you'll see this. And I am forever now trapped in the "Why? Wherefore? What?!?" of it all. 

3 years ago today I found myself completely under your spell. And from what you have told me about our first kiss, you fell under mine. I have never loved another human being as I loved (and still love) you! I remember the anticipation of going out with you a second time! I remember how frightened I was the night we first made love... You were (and still are) the most beautiful woman I have ever set my eyes upon! I remember the countless nights we stayed up until well past dawn just talking to each other, without ever searching to find something to say. I remember you telling me very explicitly that if I wanted to be with you I had to accept the "whole package" of you, your daughter, and your son. And I remember wanting that with you more than anything in the world!!!

I held you up when you were weak. You kept me going when I thought all was lost. You always made it a point to find something positive amongst the chaos and seemingly never ending cycle of turbulence that blasted a hole in the lives we were working to build with each other. 

We BOTH made mistakes. I am not going to point fingers at either of us. We BOTH know where the mistakes were made. We BOTH know the truth and the fiction (I know far more than I ever let on), and that lies between us, and only us. 

I have always been honest with you, and will continue to if I am ever granted the opportunity to communicate with you again. My anger and wreckage were wrong. I regret all of it. You successfully forced my hand to face my greatest fault head on, and work to overcome it. And I still am. 

But my emotions did not manifest themselves without provocation. For every reaction there is a causing action. I know what you did, and were doing for a considerable amount of time. And I did not want to believe it. The final lie broke something great in me to which I snapped. My reaction was wrong, and believe me when I say that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I have no excuse. But your actions that followed had no place nor justification. 

I have never fallen so far, so fast, so deep, and so hard, than into the bottom you threw me into. I still look back in complete disbelief that THE only human I trusted more than any other on this planet could be behind all of it. I know now that you had influence, but even so, you cannot fathom the darkness of the pit you cast me into. You held me like one who would hold a spider, or some other loathsome insect, over the Pit of Hell, worthy of nothing else but to be cast into the Fire. I felt like a disobedient dog dumped under a highway overpass and abandoned. 

You claim that you did what you did because you felt "helping the one I hold dear in the only way possibly left, I'm doing the best thing I can do for everyone involved. It may not be easy for anyone, but it's the only way that open-minded empathy can continue to survive. Help, Assist, Care, Support ... Not Shun"

To be brutally honest with you, you have now risen to the ranks of BOTH a liar AND now a hypocrite. Your actions damn near killed me - and not just from my overly inebriated self disparaging state of mind by my own hand... On three separate incidents after my regrettable actions on 10/10/15 I found myself facing my own mortality from others wanting to take my life from me. Of which, the most prominent still leaving me shaken, when someone had a loaded gun; a 9mm muzzle pressed against the side of my head... That happens ONCE and one tends to find out pretty Goddamned quick what kind of person one is. Your "Help, Assist, Care, Support" - DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO YOUR SHUNNING OF ME (despite your self serving written words) left me homeless and literally fighting for my life. 

Even finding my Mother's corpse almost 30 years ago at the tender age of 16 - her body lying across the backseat of a 1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88 with all doors & windows open in the vehicle, a Lionel Richie tape playing in the car - in an enclosed garage full of toxic exhaust - her body already stiff from rigor mortis - her blood settled in a giant purple blotch across every surface of her skin in contact with the back seat...

EVEN THAT TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE has taken a back seat (no pun intended) to what YOU put me through! 

"Help, Assist, Care, Support..." 

Guess what? I could do without that kind of help, assistance, care, and support!

You took EVERYTHING from me! Not just every material worldly possession I had fought to save after a 3 year battle with my ex-wife, but you took everyone I knew and loved away from me. 

YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!!! 

You took my love, my family, my friends, my pets, my "stuff," my home... 

YOU STOLE MY LIFE!!!

And NO ONE has questioned it!!!

May God Damn you for that one day. I think we both believe that Karma is a vindictive bitch. We have both seen Her come back around and justify the wrongs wreaked upon us... The Universe IS watching and listening...

And that is how I let anger, fear, aggression, and pain manifest itself in me now: I write it down. I don't smash and break things like an infant child having a tantrum anymore. It is no excuse, but that is all I had to learn from growing up and watching my Father. Again, IT IS NO EXCUSE! In a twisted way I need to thank you for forcing me into the mindset and existence I now own and employ.  Were it not for your actions evicting and excommunicating me from my former life and past self, I would not have begun this journey of self discovery. So, again, I have to say Thank You for that!

And even now, somehow, after all I have been put through - all by your hand, whether you know it or not.... A ward of the state in an asylum (and let make make it perfectly clear right here & right now that I am NOT mentally ill!), the homelessness by surgically removing me from the life I knew, the uncontrollable tears alone in the dark, the overwhelming pain ripping through my soul every minute of every day, the love inside with nowhere to go now, and the seemingly unending loneliness I find each and every day now... Even now, forgiveness flows forth and my soul still aches for you. You have been the first soul in my life where that forgiveness has landed. One word from you and I would fly back as fast as I could - as wrong as it seems - I would take you in my arms in a heartbeat- if only to hold you once more...

You will never be "dead to me" or "blacklisted" by me as such I have to the wrongdoers of me in the past - forever written off and forgotten to me, as you well know...

You are still uncontrollably loved...

I love you unconditionally... I miss you exponentially... 

Happy anniversary, my love... I am eternally sorry for how things ended, and I mourn each and every day because of it!

I am working very hard to live again. To trust again. And to love again... I don't know if my broken soul will ever heal from its damage. But I'm willing to try! I will take the lessons you taught me and make every effort! 

On my beach...

In my new life.....

Where you still live in my heart with my love......

And will forevermore!!!!!!!

I am so utterly sorry...

I love you....

I miss you.....

Happy anniversary, my Darling......

Day 32 - In Remembrance...

December 2nd has been a date I wish I could erase from my mind. It has marked tumultuous anniversaries for me: the date my divorce was final from my ex-wife, only to have her drag me down for the following three years into the muddy quicksand of a bankruptcy; the date I first asked out the woman I still love beyond reason three years ago today (formerly known as my fiancé) - She who cast me out of my former life without a word; and the date where 29 years ago a son found something no child should ever lay eyes on, the corpse of his Mother - her life taken by her own hand. 

I have done something today I have never done before. I travelled to see my Mother today on this date. I write this as I sit by her graveside. I guess I'm hoping it will bring some closure to a wound that still shoots pain throughout my soul. This is the first time in 29 years I've been with my Mother on this date. I miss her still so desperately. But I know she is still with me - although she lives on a different plane of existence as I. I know all those I've loved and lost this time of year are: Boo, Uncle Bob, Grandmommy, and Mom. I know they are with me because of the signs they send. 

This morning I woke at 6:00am - approximately the time I woke up 29  years ago to the house of horror I discovered. I went to the door to go outside to smoke a cigarette and down a cup of coffee before I went off to work. And as I opened the door I was greeted very loudly by my feline friend Francis who all but jumped up into my arms after a loud barrage of "cat chatter!" I take that as a sign because I haven't seen him in over a week. I was afraid something happened to him! No, as before, he was sent to comfort me in my sadness. Sent to let me know I'm still loved and everything will be alright. Just keep walking in the light!

So instead of sequestering myself away as I usually do on 12/2 I am sitting at my Mother's gravesite sharing my thoughts with her as I write. I know she sees and hears me from the plane of her existence.  And that makes me smile on this day - I love you Mom, and I miss you!

Michele Anne Wilson

6/1/47 - 12/2/86

Day 31 - Thanksgiving Leftovers of Precocious Pretentiousness

Usually the full moon makes people lose their minds. Last Wednesday people didn't. I pulled a 24 hour shift for some of the kindest, respectful people I've encountered in my new life. Generosity was abound as well. A good moon smiling down... 

And then it waned...

Thursday, a day of giving thanks brought out the side of humanity I left in my past life: selfish, self serving, pretentious, and precocious... Everyone!

It wasn't until today that people started to seem human again. Thursday I bought a $10 bottle of wine to give my Thanksgiving Day hosts. It cost 1/6th of what I had to make it through an entire week. But I'm not upset about that. I've managed through another week keeping fuel in the tank and food in my belly. What twists me is that I spent what small amount of my hard earned money for something I wasn't even given the common courtesy of a "Thank You" for.  Twice I offered up my small token of appreciation for the dinner invite, and twice I was snubbed without even much as a nod of acknowledgement! And it went downhill from there... 

Pretentious talk of how much money people had, how many millions of dollars their homes are worth, the boats they have bought for themselves, the new European automobiles shining in the driveway... People talking out their ass about things they claim to know about, and when I corrected them about an industry I spent over 15 years of my life working in I was made to shut up and mind my own business.... I don't have a wallet big enough to have an opinion worth listening to. I was looked down upon by those of affluence because I quit my corporate job and started a new life. 

The whole weekend sounded like a broken record - my customers treating me as if I was some kind of man-servant of theirs... Barking orders at me, laughing at me behind my back, bitching to each other about their miserable corporate lives and how much money they make... It was sickening!

I think that is one of the reasons I hate this time of year - not only does it bring me sadness because of the loves and lives lost to me during the holidays, but just because of the greedy and materialistic nature it has morphed into. 

I've already decided I'm going to work on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. I have neither the funds nor the family any longer for the Holiday to bring me anything other than sadness and heartache. I'll just spread my cheer in other ways: helping those that need a lift, need a meal, or just need a friend to listen. 

And that is what this time of year should mean to we humans: a time of giving. Not take, take, take.... No precocious pretentiousness. 

My uncle told me after I was hospitalized twice for what I thought was a combination of heart attack & stroke (turns out it was WAY too much stress) that I was 45 - half way to 90. My life is half over. And to start living the other half of it! And fill it with what makes me happy, not miserable. Life is too short! And that is what I've done! I've started living again - on MY terms!

And to all of those too affluent to appreciate and accept my new life and my newfound happiness - a life without much funding, but rich beyond measure without stress - I'll keep a good thought for you as I walk down my beach at sunset!

Day 26 - The True Meaning of Thankful!

I just wrapped a 24 hour shift so that I can reach some personal financial goals for next week. I even got a phone number from a pretty woman tonight for the first time in 3 years! The full moon shined down on me yesterday, and last night for a change, instead of turning me into a wild, howling animal it brought forward light, hope, and love of humanity! 😊

So, before I bed down for a well deserved nap today, I wanted to express my Thanks to The Universe...

I am thankful for a roof over my head! 

I am thankful for the food in my belly, small amount as it is (but I need a flat belly if I'm gonna wander the shores of My Beach)! 

I am thankful for the gas in my tank! 

I am thankful for the hundreds of souls beaming with positive light of whom I have met over the last month - restoring some of the faith I had in humanity! 

I am thankful for witnessing a breathtaking sunrise just before I call it a night. 

And I am thankful for those I hold closest and dearest to my heart - the ones who watch over me from this world, and the next!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! After you read this turn to the person closest to you and pull them tight to you, and tell them why & how you are thankful that he/she is in your life and suddenly wrapped in your arms!!!

L

Day 24 - The "Professional's" Guide to Emotional Instability

I was told today by someone close that, "My hope is you will find the strength to move on and find out who you are without relying on another (i.e. woman) to define you. Your emotional instability needs to be addressed - by a professional - but begins with strong desire by you to change."

Now, unfortunately, this is where my Father comes out in me.....

A strong desire to change.... Let's see.... 

I've moved hundreds and hundreds of miles away from the life I once knew so I could start over. I am alone. I haven't eaten in 2 days because of an unexpected request by my landlord to pay utilities which were not budgeted because I only just moved in. The person I thought was my soulmate cast me out into a pit of Hell where I LITERALLY faced a 9mm pistol pointed at my head by someone who wanted to rob me, a knife to my throat by someone that AGAIN wanted to steal from me, chased down an alley by some insane woman trying to stab me with a screwdriver... I have been homeless, abandoned, committed to a loony bin, hungry, penniless, and heartbroken....

I HAVE FOUND OUT WHO I AM!!! 

READ MY FUCKING BLOG OR MAKE A PHONE CALL IN THE MIDST OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO SEE WHY EXACTLY I MIGHT SEEM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!! I hate sounding like my Father!!!

I write here to quell anger and rage. As I have really no one to talk to (other than one individual) this is the only communication outlet I have - other than crying alone in the dark!

I know EXACTLY who I am. I am a kind soul that somehow actively seeks other souls in distress so that I might ease their pain. And I lose myself somewhere in the process. Perhaps it is because my life has been filled with pain and heartbreak since the tender age of 16 when I found my Mother's corpse in the back of an Oldsmobile Delta 88 - doors and windows of the car wide open in a garage choked full of toxic exhaust. Alone with a 5 year old brother whom I felt I needed to protect from that horror and look out for ever since. 

I've been called a "rescuer" by others. That I feed on trying to "save souls" if you will. 

Well, I KNOW WHO I AM!!! And right now the soul I'm saving is MY OWN!!! I am rescuing myself!!!! I don't want any help. I don't need any help! What I need is love - not lectures! My world has been turned inside out & upside down SO MANY TIMES!!! But I keep fighting through it all. I have endured loss and pain consistently for the last 30 years!

I HAVE found the strength to move on! I left Charlotte, NC with NOTHING other than the clothes on my back and my car. And I drove to find a beach. And through the homelessness, heartache, homicidal threats, and hopelessness of it all - I SURVIVED!!!

And YES MA'AM!!! I KNOW WHO I AM!!!

Love and hugs to you too...

Day 23 - A River Runs Through It

Emotions are a blessing and a curse. I felt the curse this weekend. 

The heart is the strongest muscle in the body. But becomes the weakest when broken. 

Sunday morning dawn greeted me with tears. A river of tears flooding the banks of my new home. Loneliness, heartache, and unadulterated sadness just flowed forth - unable to be turned off. 

And that will happen. When one loses something so dear to one's heart it is natural to mourn. 

I mourn a little every day. I mourned a lot over the last two. It paralyzed me. To the point I closed the door and cried myself to sleep, woke up, and repeated it for two days. 

Time will heal. I accept the pain. Tomorrow will come with a new sunrise and another day to help heal the heartache. 

I know you see this. I love you still, and miss you desperately. You have forbidden me to reach out, so just know I am trying to swim upstream through the river of tears flowing. Some days are better than others. But I'm still swimming through the ocean on my beach. 

I'm sorry that things ended the way they did. And I would take it all back if I could. 

I love you still and I miss you!

Day 19 - The Worst Kind of Goodbye

Maybe it is the fact that it has been rainy & gloomy for two days. Maybe it is because work hasn't been as busy for the last two days. Or maybe it is because I chatted with a pretty blonde at lunch today who told me about her 2 kids (a 21 year old girl & a 16 year old boy) which opened up a wound trying to heal. I just know that for two days the waterworks have been turned on and my heartache becomes the only thing I can feel. 

I got angry today. It was the first time since my rebirth I've felt rage - seemingly at nothing but focused on anything or anyone around me. 

But tonight I write instead of wreck. I'm working hard on letting my anger manifest itself constructively instead of destructively. And I reflect to discover from exactly where the source of my angst is generated. 

And after calm meditation and an inward look I've discovered it. 

You see, closure is something I've been deprived of with every woman I have loved. My Mother never told me goodbye before she drew her last breath. I was far too young and naive then at 16 to believe she would leave me. My teenage arrogance blinded me. My first wife cheated and I simply walked out the door and left, never looking back, and never giving her the opportunity to apologize or say goodbye. It was easy at 26. I was strong and had a plan. My second wife was a bully and an abusive alcoholic. I had lost my job and looked for work for 10 months. The abuse grew worse day by day, and my self respect dwindled along with it. It was only when given a new job, and saving newly earned money that I rescued myself from her abuse by retreating away from her, and attempting to start over at 42. No goodbyes. And now I find myself the cheap joke of someone's lies and deceit at 45. I was simply surgically removed like a cancer and cut out. And I think that is what has opened back up the flood of tears and pain over the last 2 days. 

I received a dose of my own poisonous medicine. When a line is crossed on me I consider that person dead to me. Problem is that I still love this woman unconditionally. Despite the 9 circles of Hell she put me through. But she made me dead to her, and I never got to say goodbye. It is easier to stomach that emptiness when a loved one passes away. But when they still live, and forbid any contact, and have literally stolen all things and loved ones- poisoning the well of friendships I drank from for 15 years - that is the worst kind of goodbye...

The one I'm forbidden to say...

Day 18 - The Siren's Song

Only a handful of people know where I am on this planet, and how to communicate with me. As I've stated in previous Blog Posts: I have trust issues. More so now than I have ever had considering what the human I trusted more than anyone on this Earth put me through and caused me to endure over the last month. My own Father & Brother know not where I am. So, as I've stated to many before I left - I am in the wind. And I intend to keep it that way. Call it my coat of armor disallowing anyone or anything to get in. It is how I now unfortunately protect myself. 

But my best friend in the world posed a question to me.... "Would I come back to my former life and love if I was given the opportunity?"

Ah, the Beast whispers to me in my lonely darkness.... Tempting.... Playing with my broken heart & soul....

Every day when I wake up I see the same placard in my new home. It states, "Man can not change the direction of the wind but can adjust his sails..."

When my friend asked me his question I immediately thought of that placard, and then thought of Homer's "Odyssey." When the Sirens' Songs lured ships at sea into a seemingly loving embrace, only to smash them upon the rocks...

I've adjusted my sails, and as tempting as the Beast might ever be if She were to sing to me, THAT ship has sailed... Away from the rocks!

Onward & upward into the Light!

Day 16 - Wrackspurts

"A Wrackspurt... They're invisible. They float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy, I thought I felt one zooming around in here."

For you HARRY POTTER fans, a Wrackspurt is an invisible creature which floats into a person's ears, making his/her brain go fuzzy. Supposedly, Wrackspurts can be seen with aid of Spectrespecs. Those suffering from Wrackspurt infections can possibly dispell them by thinking positive thoughts.

My beach IS my positive thought! My solution to survive IS my positive thought! A paycheck justification and a flirtatious comment from a pretty girl MAKE my positive thoughts these days!!! 

I had a "Wrackspurt" buzzing around my brain for almost 3 years. It clouded my vision. It blackened my light. 

But as Obi-Wan would say, "The Force will be with you... Always!"

Which, in layman's terms means, "Fuck you Harry! You use magic to bend reality to place self favor in your own physical dimension! Only to benefit you!"

I say, "The Force is MY ally! It is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, It penetrates us, It binds the galaxy together!"

So, I now ask this of you - Oh, Potter Alum....

Let go your conscious self... And ACT ON INSTINCT!!!

Day 15 - Echoes of Laughter Floating on Perfume

I said last night it was good to feel myself again. And evidently it is showing!

My entire day was filled meeting women of all ages from all corners of the globe. Naturally, I want to hear a girlish giggle and see the flash of a dainty smile from a beautiful woman. It was what made my heart leap in my past life. And somewhere along the way I lost myself - the love and charm that would bring a smile to a pretty face and cause uncontrollable schoolgirl giggling. 

I was blessed today. I felt myself for the first time in a very long time. Every person I encountered today was stunningly gorgeous and allowed me to "Play" at the level that brought smiles and giggles to their pretty faces!

There was laughter today! Happiness! All carried on the scent of flowers from beautiful women from all over the world!

And the storm surge receded a little more tonight!

Day 14 - Loneliness of a Social Creature

I'm I am a social animal by nature. I love the Theatre, I love the stage, I love to perform... It makes me somewhat of a playful & extroverted middle aged child. And my job helps with my daily healing. I get to intermingle with other humans from every walk of life - every race, gender, social class, sexual orientation, religion... You name it. And everyone allows me to be me. 

And they love it!

And I love it!

My high blood pressure & stress level have both dropped exponentially over the last three weeks since I landed on my beach! It is amazing how liberating it has been by LITERALLY losing EVERYTHING and starting completely over at 45 years old! A liberation of my heart, mind, and soul!

But there is also the void....

The black hole of emptiness that exists where love & companionship once lived and breathed. 

What do I do with the love in my heart now? Where do I send it? What direction does it need to travel to?

My beach is filled with debris and fallout from the hurricane which tore through my heart & soul. It has created a storm surge  of love and light with nowhere to go... So it floods my privacy. The hours when I'm alone... The endless flow from my heart... My love with nowhere to go now...

That's when the loneliness of my new life swells, and the pain comes back... A social creature who is all alone at the end of the day...

And I ask the Universe, "What do I do now? I'm broken, bleeding from my soul, and don't know where or how to channel the love I have inside me... What do I do now?"

And as I write this, the Universe answered me as my new found feline friend Frances bounced up the driveway and into my lap. For the first time - in my lap purring as loud as he could!

And the flood waters receded a little tonight!

Day 12 - The Judas Kiss & The Salted Wound

Julius Caesar nailed it! 

I know what you're thinking... "Et tu, Brute?"

Well, that quote HAS crossed my mind a few thousand times over the last month!

 

But I think Caesar nailed it by saying, "Men at some time are masters of their fates: 

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars

But in ourselves, that we are underlings."

In other words, regardless of what the Universe attempts to tell us, it is ultimately our own actions that decide the result or consequence. 

My first Blog Post touched on that. My actions created consequences. But if we peel back the onion skin a bit farther, we see that there are behaviors which result in actions that result in consequences.  

And that is the cross I currently feel across my back... I went an entire week without tears. I suppose it was because I was so focused on landing somewhere I could call home. Survival instincts kicked in: shelter, food, work... All of which took 110% of my energy and focus. 

Then there was a roof... A fridge full of food... A paycheck to keep a sustainable basic life.... 

And that's when the dreams started. Or, rather, the nightmares.... Vivid dreams of the Beast who seduced me... Possessed me... Consumed me...

She, whom I still love and ache for every minute of every day. She who betrayed me, not unlike Judas or Brutus. And has brought pain upon my soul as scorching as salt in an open wound. 

And yet I still miss her... I still ache for her... The empty void in me is a black hole that sucks away the light...

And that is where I have to take a long look in the mirror, and stop the Beast from consuming the light. I tell myself it is okay to mourn. It is alright to release a torrent of tears. But know that time will heal the wound torn so deeply into my soul. 

I guess what really eats at me is the "Why?" of all of it. I'm overly analytical by nature, so "Why?" is the stuff of my nightmares...

Why did she cheat?

Why did I support her & her children as best I could for 3 years when she was unemployed?

Why did she claim I should consider her children as "Ours."?

Why did she get away with stealing EVERYTHING I own (other than my car & my clothes), leaving me with nothing?

Why did she leave me, already bankrupt, with thousands of dollars of bills in my name that I cannot pay?

Why did she lie? Over and over and over and over again?

And, WHY did I get so enveloped in the seduction and the betrayal?

Why? 

I don't know... As Caesar would say, "It's all Greek to me." I just know that there is nowhere to go now but up. When you find your true bottom in the darkness, you can only ascend into the light!

Day 10 - 1 month forced into new life

I read that comfort equals happiness this morning. That shelter from the rain for the homeless makes for comfort, and thus happiness. That a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" brings comfort, and thus, happiness. And finally "pay it forward!"

I find the words comforting, but the source is one of hypocrisy. I don't think she understands the true meaning of comfort and compassion for other humans. I think her definition is one that is self serving for her. 

And that is ok. I've cut that line and watched it drift out to sea. 

I think the true meaning of happiness is one that a person seeks for himself/herself. There in lies comfort to be found. 

At the end of the day it is only ourselves that must claim responsibility for our actions and our path in life. No one else can make that for us. Though individuals cross our paths and garner influence over us, it is ultimately up to us to do what we think is best to survive in this game of life. 

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of my past life's death. And the 10th day of my rebirth. Though this new life is quite lonely at times, I know & trust that the Universe will illuminate my way - as long as I stay in the light. It is ultimately up to me. I am only responsible for me. I alone can only allow darkness to enter my life. And I choose light. Too many signs along this route have pointed me into the light. And I like where it is leading me. I only must have patience and faith. Those two things will see me through. And then my trust in humanity will begin to heal and guide me to trust again.

Every day I heal a little more with love & light!

Day 8 - Payday

I will keep this brief because I'm worn out. Tomorrow is payday! I am literally counting my blessings and my pennies!

Tomorrow not only marks my first payday in my new life - it also marks a full week in my new home after a full month of gut wrenching tragic fallout from my former life. 

I survived! Somehow, by the Grace of  God I made it through THE darkest part of my life. 

Homeless, penniless, loveless, abandoned....

The tears still come and go... My heart still aches.... But I'm healing. On my beach. And my new life gets a paycheck tomorrow!!!

I celebrate this win!!!

Lemons & Sugar

You set me free! 

I found the "Sugar" for my "Lemons." 

I love you, I miss you, I ache for you with ALL of my heart! 

But I also THANK YOU!!!!

#MyBeach

Day 7 - The Gospel According to Jim

A man who went long before his time... A man that was decades ahead of the creative music scene... A man that was THE key to The Doors...

Jim Morrison

I received two "Get Out of Jail Free" cards over the last two days on the Monopoly Board of Life. Both of them also said "Collect $200 and Pass 'GO'"

I worked much longer than I wished to on this morning/yesterday's eve. I watched the sun come behind me on the beach. But I achieved my goal! I am on track now to earn what I need to survive! I'm exhausted, but this is perhaps THE most relaxed I've been in over 10 years. 

And I can say with 110% certainty that the light at the end of the tunnel I now see is most definitely NOT another oncoming train!!!

I heard the Gospel According to Jim tonight as I worked to achieve a goal I set for myself! 

Thank you Saint

Morrison! I HAVE, in fact, made a "Break On Through to the Other Side!!!!!"

And I continue to "BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAAAAAAAKKKK!!!!" 

Day 6 - "The Cat Lady Returns!"

In the past, in my former life, there was a lot of talk about animal spirits. And I have believed that those I have loved and lost in life can somehow reappear in the form of animals to let me know I am on the right path. An encounter with a certain four-legged feline recently has affirmed that belief that I have.

The day that I looked at my new home, as I walked back out to my car I was greeted by a little red cat, not unlike my GiGi that was taken from me. My "ginger cat" of 10 years whom I was denied of ever seeing again when I was cast out of my past life. This new furry little friend came running up to me and immediately started wrapping himself around the inside of my ankles, purring extremely loudly. I took that as a good sign that I had found THE place I was going to be healing and welcoming to me which I now call home.

I woke up this morning and walked out my front door and was greeted by a very soft and sweet meow. I looked up above me and there was my red little friend on the roof of my new home staring down at me with a smile that only a cat can have - A Cheshire grin! Full of unconditional love that only in animal can give as he purred and rubbed on my hand when I reached up to say hello to my new found friend. 

And then it dawned on me, we always referred to my grandmother as "The Cat Lady." And as with many of the other angelic signs of light that I have found as I have relocated to my new home, I like to think that my new friend is just another sign from the universe that I am in the right place and all will be well.

And as I write this brief little blog he sits on top of my rooftop watching me as I dictate this into words.

I think I'm going to call him Frances!

Day 4 - Angels & Demons

Someone in my family made something  crystal clear to me yesterday with the comment, "You got in bed with the Devil..."

It took 24 hours for it to sink in. And as she said, it should scare the shit out of me... And it does - the more I think about it! 

Sunday School used to teach me that The Devil seduces and deceives man. Even Jesus Christ was tempted in the desert. The lesson was that even those of us that attempt to do good and walk in the light can be seduced and deceived by dark forces. 

My aunt's words really sunk in. She showed me messages, as well as the lack of, in the darkest times of my life that were both sent and ignored by THE one I thought to be a soul mate. 

It's funny how you think you know people. How one can be seduced and completely taken in by the deception of "goodness." What terrifies me is that I fell into the seduction. I loved it with all of my heart. I'd have laid my life down for the person I thought I knew better than anyone on the planet. 

And that was my Faust story. I was seduced by something so evil I could not fathom that the angel I laid down with was a demon set to possess my soul, and make me walk in darkness by constantly calling it the light. 

That REALLY terrifies me. That I could be swept up under a Demon's wing and love it unconditionally - have it possess my own soul - and cause me to question whether or not I should stop my own pulse- to release my soul because of this entity. 

Now, hundreds & hundreds of miles away from that entity I find my self penniless, but so much more peaceful. Because I know the Universe sees and hears all of her children. And she witnessed my seduction, the deceits, and my "possession" if you will. 

And I've walked into the light! There is wind and warmth and peace in this light. And the demons have been made rid of my possessions. And even penniless I have found peace!

Day 3 - $160

If you read my 1st post you've read how I got here. 

Funny thing about "The Universe" is that it gives & it takes without explanation...

After my 1st post I thought I'd made it through the other side... That I'd walked through the flames to the other side. 

Then the bank email came....

I'm out of money....

I have a roof over my head now, but now have nothing in reserve to use so as feed myself. 

Now, I can go 2 days without food... Done it before, I'll do it again. But without the promise of work beyond that second day.... I'm 6'2" & 215 lbs. I need to eat!!! Day 3 I get hungry! And the thought of completely broke frightened the shit out of me! I pushed my hunger down for a day, and I did what I'd swore to myself that I'd never do.... I asked for help....

I asked for help from the only people in my family whom I felt KNEW me, and did not believe the piece/parchment lies written about me. 

A week.... That's all I need (as far as I know at this point) to survive. I kept a count.... Right around $160 for a couple of pots & pans, food, gasoline.... And a solar powered elephant to put on my dashboard - trunk up & ears flapping = a good day!

$160 to stay on my feet!

I'm still standing! I'm alive! I'm grateful! I'm loved, and I love! 

And I swear to return the $160 gift given to me to keep me standing!!!

And I say thank you, and I love you & appreciate the loving bond that makes family THE number one importance in life!

....and even in the dark the elephant has his trunk up, and his ears keep flapping!

😊