Day 123 - Brick & Mortar: The Foundation of Victory

I woke up this morning for the first time in a month with heat, and was able to take a hot shower. There are so many things we take for granted... Until they are stripped away from us. So, this morning I celebrate a victory! I am at last no longer homeless. I have secured lodging made of brick & mortar. And I finally have a physical address I can use where I will now call home for the foreseeable future!

I spoke with an old friend last week who had also fallen on hard times, not unlike myself. In our conversation I tried to convey to him positive thoughts and hope. It turns out positive energy found its mark for both of us: I found a home and he made his first commission on a new job! After we spoke and congratulated each other on our personal victories he wrote the following:

"Things I learned today:

The word "perspective" is from the Latin word "perspicere" meaning to see through. In other words, with the proper perspective you can see through all the bullshit that life has the audacity to send your way. 

Proper perspective leads to a proper outlook on life. This leads to seeing those yearly, monthly, weekly and daily victories. And by all means, when those victories come (I promise they will) never forget to spike the ball, do your end zone dance and celebrate."

When we spoke after he posted that he stated, "See, I was paying attention today when we spoke!"

And that really sums it up for me. No matter how awful things seem to be, someone somewhere is in an equally dismal situation. From the darkness of a rat infested and filthy hovel I held onto faith that life will get better and to not give up! And when he explained his state of depression and hopelessness I told him to give it one more day. That tomorrow brings new opportunities for us all. And to trust that a Higher Power has something better for us. Have faith. 

The next day brought victories for both of us; a new home for me, and a healthy commission for him. Victories that gave us both a revitalized strength to carry on, and a rejuvenated faith that the Universe IS listening.

And the light we walk in grows brighter, and I am dancing my happy dance in the end zone while my friend is spiking the ball over his own goal line!

Day 114 - Winds of Change

In the vast prairie that is West Texas the unending horizon is now dotted with thousands of windmills that can be seen as far as the eye can see. And as I gaze out my window onto these vast plains I see these windmills spinning like enormous pinwheels that some mischievous child has planted into the middle of a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western. It drives home the fact that the world is continually evolving - harnessed by the winds of change. 

A dear old pair of friends put me to work yesterday in Hobbs, NM. We haven't worked together in almost 25 years. Chris & Joey still look fantastic! Still the same after 25 years - maybe a few more gray hairs (as with me) - but still the same nonetheless. With one difference: 25 years of life lessons... Winds of change... Gone are the faces of youthfulness and naivety. Replaced by faces showing expressions of life's lessons learned and souls now filled with wisdom from those same lessons. But what still burns through is the playful child in them both. That ever present need to play coupled with the wisdom gained over the last 25 years of life have made them very successful - and more importantly brought a peace & love to their faces I had not seen before. 

And so I reflect as I watch the pinwheels of the west spin away. As they illustrate a different appearance today on the horizon I so frequently looked to in my youth - harnessing the winds of change to create the energy that will support West Texas lives. And spinning in a way that inspires my inner child's imagination. 

Stay young, play in your sandbox, and use your past life lessons to successfully create your destiny of love, peace, and happiness!

Day 110 - Hope Springs Eternal... Many Happy Returns!

Tomorrow I will find myself walking this planet for 46 years, and I have found this birthday week filled with with a multitude of gifts. Not the kind one finds wrapped with eye catching, colorful paper - but gifts to be grateful for and celebrated. Gifts sent in the forms of signs from the Universe that I am finally in the right place to begin the rest of my life. Gifts of friendships, love, work, family, and signs of guidance and light. 

My soul continues to hum & vibrate like a tuning fork that is resonating with the world around me. The signs are everywhere every day and I find my psyche aligning with what the Universe is saying to me more with each passing day. 

Monday the Universe guided me into an up close and personal view of complete loss and devastation. 3 times. I was led through the neighborhoods of Rowlett, Texas where an F4 tornado leveled homes in a scene that I can only describe as what looked like a war zone. 3 times. And each of those times I was sent a message of hope amongst the devastation that laid before me. A young man suffering with a brain trauma, and two women in the final weeks of pregnancy. I was given examples of life and joy that were emerging out of desolation. 

The young man: suffering from a lifelong brain injury, and now homeless from the loss of his home, as well as the overwhelming pain in his head. Yet, he did not complain. He was grateful for the medical attention he was receiving and the temporary home made for him where we drove. He chatted happily the entire way like a chirping bird in a new dawn's light. 

The 2 women: 2 different rides given to them - One at the end of her 9th month of pregnancy with her 3rd child - a girl. And one midway through her 9th month with her 1st child - a boy. Both coming out of different sides of the neighborhood of destruction, and both glowing and joyous for the new life they are about to bring forth. 

Gifts to me from the Universe with a loud and clear message that Hope Springs Eternal. And each one leading me back through my past into Rockwall where I grew up. 

It was a day of fond memories for me. A trip down memory lane where I found joy in recalling childhood events I'd long forgotten. A torrent of happy memories poured out with every home I drove past in my old neighborhood. What's more, 3 different childhood friends reached out to me through Facebook Messenger just after I drove past their old homes where they grew up. More gifts given to me from the Universe. The best of which was hearing from Melissa, my oldest childhood friend, just minutes after I stood looking at her old home and laughing to myself about our past antics & adventures together that suddenly revisited my mind. We had lunch today, by the way. And she is still the same pretty little girl with the million dollar smile I grew up with but haven't seen in 30 years. Another gift!

Yesterday I picked up an old college class mate at DFW Airport. My Uber alert told me I had a passenger named Kathy (from NJ) requesting a ride. By chance I randomly got assigned the fare in the airport queue. Then, a 45 minute drive talking about our collective college friends. More joy and fond memories bubbling up into my brain! Again, a gift...

I've booked 2 acting jobs this week and will work a 3rd on Saturday with another college chum. More gifts!!!

2 random fares this week, both in the entertainment industry, and both who requesting my résumé. Additionally, both separately spouting off names of friends we had in common. Gifts - all!!!

And so, as I close my eyes for the final night of my 45th year, I celebrate my 1st half of life. I give thanks to all it has bestowed upon me - both its pain and its joy. Because it has made me into the man I am now. Taught me that which I need to wake up in the morning to begin my 46th year with joy, and cherish each day that follows for the next half of my life!

Day 100 - A Love From Beyond, A Friend From The Past, A Light In The Darkness

I've said previously that I believe that those who we have loved in life and lost to death never really leave us. They continue to stay with us on a different plane of existence that we do not yet understand. Some are with us more than others, some check in from time to time, and some never leave us. They are our Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides. They communicate with us regularly on a very different frequency. But in order to hear what they say we have to pay attention to the signs they send us. And I think over the last 4 months I've become more attuned to them. And even though I am not a religious person, I am certain that there are things that coexist with us on a different plane that logic & science cannot explain. Some call it God. Some call it a Higher Power. Some call it the Universe. Whatever you may call It, It just answered my cries in my darkness with Its Light. 

Powerfully!

And with such an intensity that the core of my soul continues to vibrate from the "4th dimension sonic boom" that shattered its windows early Saturday morning. 

That's the best way I can describe it. Some would say it was God at work. Others would say it was merely a coincidence and logically find a way to say I'm reading what I want to think into it. 

I say, call it what you want. I KNOW what it was. I KNOW what I felt and what is still occurring from the aftershock that has continued in my soul since. And it was the moment that will forever change my life on a day I will never, ever forget.

My Zero Hour. The moment I made peace with the core of my pain and completely let it go. My moment of clarity. 

I got sick Wednesday night. Became sicker Thursday. By Friday night I thought I needed to be hospitalized. My normal urination went from a normal hue to a lovely shade of dark brown, and then ceased altogether. My back was in so much pain I could barely stand, let alone walk. I started to feel delirious from what I would guess to be my kidneys taking a couple days off giving my body an abundant cocktail of unfiltered blood.  After a 6:00am excruciatingly painful walk next door to Wal-Mart for cranberry juice and pain reliever I was ready to die. And after 3 days of witnessing crack cocaine being dealt in the parking lot of my "budget weekly stay" motel, and an endless revolving door of clientele seeking late Friday night service from the prostitutes on either side of my cozy room, I began welcoming it. 

I began thinking about the reality of my now pathetic existence. I didn't work for 3 days because of my illness. I won't be able to pay for a room in this Hell Hole next week. How am I going to ever be able to afford a deposit/1st/last month rent on anything when I can't even pay for a night now in this shit hole? And how can I work to make & save the money I need to escape this Hell if I live in my car? And then how will I ever be able to focus on starting my life over with no escape from Hell? And with every moan, groan, and headboard banging into the walls in front and behind me hour after hour after hour, I thought of more simple expenses of life that have become barricades obstructing every avenue of escape. And when the thought of an uninsured hospitalization expense came to mind as I stared at the phone debating on whether or not to call 911, I surrendered. 

It is said that when one is near death one can see both dimensions of existence simultaneously. I don't know if that is true or not. I DO know that I felt an increasingly unexplainable presence in my room Friday and Saturday. I saw shadows moving across the room out of the corner of my eye. Both in the daylight and at night with the lights in my rooms both on and off. As Friday turned into Saturday the shadows became more prominent. There were 2 figures I kept seeing in my periphery - one the size of a normal person and the other the size of a house cat. I felt tickling sensations across my body when I sat in bed. Even stranger yet, I felt the sensation of something sit down on the foot of bed and touch my leg when I was lying down. And when I would walk to the bathroom sink for water I heard the sound of someone behind me in the other room who was watching me. And then I would return to an empty room. At the time I chalked it up to being delusional because of becoming so Ill, which then prompted the self debate to call 911. 

And in my darkness on a Saturday dawn I cried a pathetic and whimpering sob up to the ceiling saying that I've lost the strength I need to continue on this path that I am traveling on. That it now seemed a hopeless journey filled with emptiness. And with one last breath before I closed my overflowing eyes to surrender to whatever would be I cried into the dark, "Momma, if you are there and you can hear me - help me. I can't find the strength anymore that I know I need. I'm in so much emotional agony and physical pain now that I truly feel like I am dying. I don't want to die. I want to live again - to start over again. But I am so lost. Please help me." And that is the last thing I remember until I opened my eyes again around 11:00am Saturday morning. 

There is great irony in that last admission. For part of the sworn testimony my Ex-Fiancé concocted and made to a Magistrate issuing the order to have me taken into custody, transported, and involuntarily committed into a state run mental health asylum said, "Individual has been witnessed for months by respondent having 'full conversations' with his dead mother." I also find it ironic that someone so mentally ill herself made up that claim to have me institutionalized for mentally illness.  

But what gives me pause and is truly something that has, and will forever change the view from my prism of life is the message I woke up to on my phone from someone I have not spoken to in years. 

"Are you OK?"

This, from a childhood friend I grew up with. I chalked it up to either my blog posts she had read or catching herself up on my 4 month drama via Facebook.

It was neither. 

After she gave me a contact number She asked me to call her out of the blue. So, I picked up the phone. She told me that she woke up with a heavy heart for me. That she remembers the death of my Mother very well and that her brother had taken his life at age 45 just three years ago, and how she understands the fallout suicide leaves in its wake & how she's thought of me often after her own family loss. 

But suicide is something we merely experienced in life which has attached us randomly together in the Universe; having it and its fallout in common like some bizarre "suicide fallout" club.

That wasn't what prompted her to reach out to me at 9:00am Saturday morning though. It was a dream she'd just had. About me. Saturday morning. Waking her up at right about the same time I closed my eyes: 

We were all at a family fun center. Similar to a bowling alley with the arcade games, laser tag, bowling, bouncy rooms, and food. We were all happy and enjoying each other's company and having fun. Like high school but now all at our current ages and with our families. I was attending the gathering alone and without a family in tow. And then it came time to leave at closing time and everyone walked out the door except for me. And when she realized I hadn't followed everyone else out she turned and looked back inside. She saw me sitting alone inside the family fun center, and before she could ask me if I was coming along the lights all went out. And then she woke up. 

Her dream...

She told me she sometimes picks up her bible to read passages. And after she woke up so abruptly from her dream when the lights went out on me, she couldn't shake the unnerving feeling it left in her. She went to her bible to seek some of its teachings to lessen the uneasy feeling from her dream. She randomly opened it up to a passage that read, "If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord and rely on your God."

And that is when she sent me the message asking, "Are you OK?"

We talked for an hour when I called her. She hadn't read any of my blog posts. And she had no knowledge of the last 4 months of my life. She knew only I was back home in Texas recently. And at the conclusion of our conversation she said and then repeated, "Lamar, you are loved!"

After I hung up the phone I looked up and said, "Thank you Mom. I just found the strength I lost." And with that the pain  in my back started fading, and I have surrendered to a new hope & a renewed faith on this journey. 

Day 94 - Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

It's only a day away...