A top secret plan to propose to the woman you love on stage in front of a sold out audience of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Theatre where you and your betrothed met for the first time. A plan so well conceived that you create a custom designed engagement & wedding ring, calculate the precise time you can actually have her two children and your brother all together in attendance - the three most important people in your life other than the woman you will propose to, blessings from both of her parents with her son at your side smiling and excited to hear his grandparents' approval, and the coordination with the Artistic Director of the Theatre where this is all going to come to a climactic conclusion one Saturday evening in May.
The night arrives! The cast is buzzing with excitement as they hear of what is about to happen during the opening curtain speech! The nervous man flips through his proposal speech wrought with the symbolism of the dragonfly animal spirit - a symbol important to her - representing metamorphosis of life! The actor portraying Jesus actually jokes with the man backstage by saying "You deny me?" when offering the man shaking his head "No" for a pen to write down some last minute notes on his speech!
The big moment! She is called upon from center stage by the man! The audience holds their breath as she glides across the stage finding him down on one knee, and then explodes into applause and a standing ovation when she says YES!!!!
It was a night straight out of a Fairytale!
But that is really it all was... A Fairytale ...
Today, October 2nd, 2016 was the day that nervous man was supposed to marry that beautiful princess. The day that Lamar & Shannon were to become Mr. & Mrs. Wilson. My wedding day....
In retrospect I suppose Jesus' denial joke to me backstage should have been an omen as my bride-to-be betrayed me albeit three times last October. Once by her infidelities, again by her excommunication of me from my life and home - my Garden of Eden, and thirdly by lying a final time to authorities condemning me to arrest and incarnation if I were ever to return to North Carolina. My own personal Judas... And my own metaphorical Crucifixion ending my life as I then knew it...
"Life goes on..." Or so they say. And mine has limped along nursing a still badly broken heart. My angels have been very quiet lately. My nightmares and insomnia have been monstrous noisemakers though. Dreams of the only son I would have once had - the boy parked at my side in his grandparents' living room as I nervously asked for their blessings to wed their daughter - dreams of this young man asking why I couldn't at least see him at Christmas. Dreams of the only daughter I could have ever known and her last soul searing scornful words to me that pierced my heart. Waking at 3AM and listening to the silence alone in the dark.
I am indeed very sad today. And maybe that is why my Angels stifle themselves so. Because it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to remember the Fairytale. The Fairytale is full of love and warm memories that remain as the postcards in the scrapbook of my mind. The happiest of times to smile about and cherish. Maybe that is the lesson today as I reflect. Because when those memories come to life as I close my eyes and remember, it can push the darkness of my anger, pain, and resentment aside to allow for me to focus on the positive things instead of the negative ones from the past. And from there to find the goodness and happiness of the here and now where I find myself today...
