Day 26 - The True Meaning of Thankful!

I just wrapped a 24 hour shift so that I can reach some personal financial goals for next week. I even got a phone number from a pretty woman tonight for the first time in 3 years! The full moon shined down on me yesterday, and last night for a change, instead of turning me into a wild, howling animal it brought forward light, hope, and love of humanity! 😊

So, before I bed down for a well deserved nap today, I wanted to express my Thanks to The Universe...

I am thankful for a roof over my head! 

I am thankful for the food in my belly, small amount as it is (but I need a flat belly if I'm gonna wander the shores of My Beach)! 

I am thankful for the gas in my tank! 

I am thankful for the hundreds of souls beaming with positive light of whom I have met over the last month - restoring some of the faith I had in humanity! 

I am thankful for witnessing a breathtaking sunrise just before I call it a night. 

And I am thankful for those I hold closest and dearest to my heart - the ones who watch over me from this world, and the next!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! After you read this turn to the person closest to you and pull them tight to you, and tell them why & how you are thankful that he/she is in your life and suddenly wrapped in your arms!!!

L

Day 24 - The "Professional's" Guide to Emotional Instability

I was told today by someone close that, "My hope is you will find the strength to move on and find out who you are without relying on another (i.e. woman) to define you. Your emotional instability needs to be addressed - by a professional - but begins with strong desire by you to change."

Now, unfortunately, this is where my Father comes out in me.....

A strong desire to change.... Let's see.... 

I've moved hundreds and hundreds of miles away from the life I once knew so I could start over. I am alone. I haven't eaten in 2 days because of an unexpected request by my landlord to pay utilities which were not budgeted because I only just moved in. The person I thought was my soulmate cast me out into a pit of Hell where I LITERALLY faced a 9mm pistol pointed at my head by someone who wanted to rob me, a knife to my throat by someone that AGAIN wanted to steal from me, chased down an alley by some insane woman trying to stab me with a screwdriver... I have been homeless, abandoned, committed to a loony bin, hungry, penniless, and heartbroken....

I HAVE FOUND OUT WHO I AM!!! 

READ MY FUCKING BLOG OR MAKE A PHONE CALL IN THE MIDST OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO SEE WHY EXACTLY I MIGHT SEEM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!! I hate sounding like my Father!!!

I write here to quell anger and rage. As I have really no one to talk to (other than one individual) this is the only communication outlet I have - other than crying alone in the dark!

I know EXACTLY who I am. I am a kind soul that somehow actively seeks other souls in distress so that I might ease their pain. And I lose myself somewhere in the process. Perhaps it is because my life has been filled with pain and heartbreak since the tender age of 16 when I found my Mother's corpse in the back of an Oldsmobile Delta 88 - doors and windows of the car wide open in a garage choked full of toxic exhaust. Alone with a 5 year old brother whom I felt I needed to protect from that horror and look out for ever since. 

I've been called a "rescuer" by others. That I feed on trying to "save souls" if you will. 

Well, I KNOW WHO I AM!!! And right now the soul I'm saving is MY OWN!!! I am rescuing myself!!!! I don't want any help. I don't need any help! What I need is love - not lectures! My world has been turned inside out & upside down SO MANY TIMES!!! But I keep fighting through it all. I have endured loss and pain consistently for the last 30 years!

I HAVE found the strength to move on! I left Charlotte, NC with NOTHING other than the clothes on my back and my car. And I drove to find a beach. And through the homelessness, heartache, homicidal threats, and hopelessness of it all - I SURVIVED!!!

And YES MA'AM!!! I KNOW WHO I AM!!!

Love and hugs to you too...

Day 23 - A River Runs Through It

Emotions are a blessing and a curse. I felt the curse this weekend. 

The heart is the strongest muscle in the body. But becomes the weakest when broken. 

Sunday morning dawn greeted me with tears. A river of tears flooding the banks of my new home. Loneliness, heartache, and unadulterated sadness just flowed forth - unable to be turned off. 

And that will happen. When one loses something so dear to one's heart it is natural to mourn. 

I mourn a little every day. I mourned a lot over the last two. It paralyzed me. To the point I closed the door and cried myself to sleep, woke up, and repeated it for two days. 

Time will heal. I accept the pain. Tomorrow will come with a new sunrise and another day to help heal the heartache. 

I know you see this. I love you still, and miss you desperately. You have forbidden me to reach out, so just know I am trying to swim upstream through the river of tears flowing. Some days are better than others. But I'm still swimming through the ocean on my beach. 

I'm sorry that things ended the way they did. And I would take it all back if I could. 

I love you still and I miss you!

Day 19 - The Worst Kind of Goodbye

Maybe it is the fact that it has been rainy & gloomy for two days. Maybe it is because work hasn't been as busy for the last two days. Or maybe it is because I chatted with a pretty blonde at lunch today who told me about her 2 kids (a 21 year old girl & a 16 year old boy) which opened up a wound trying to heal. I just know that for two days the waterworks have been turned on and my heartache becomes the only thing I can feel. 

I got angry today. It was the first time since my rebirth I've felt rage - seemingly at nothing but focused on anything or anyone around me. 

But tonight I write instead of wreck. I'm working hard on letting my anger manifest itself constructively instead of destructively. And I reflect to discover from exactly where the source of my angst is generated. 

And after calm meditation and an inward look I've discovered it. 

You see, closure is something I've been deprived of with every woman I have loved. My Mother never told me goodbye before she drew her last breath. I was far too young and naive then at 16 to believe she would leave me. My teenage arrogance blinded me. My first wife cheated and I simply walked out the door and left, never looking back, and never giving her the opportunity to apologize or say goodbye. It was easy at 26. I was strong and had a plan. My second wife was a bully and an abusive alcoholic. I had lost my job and looked for work for 10 months. The abuse grew worse day by day, and my self respect dwindled along with it. It was only when given a new job, and saving newly earned money that I rescued myself from her abuse by retreating away from her, and attempting to start over at 42. No goodbyes. And now I find myself the cheap joke of someone's lies and deceit at 45. I was simply surgically removed like a cancer and cut out. And I think that is what has opened back up the flood of tears and pain over the last 2 days. 

I received a dose of my own poisonous medicine. When a line is crossed on me I consider that person dead to me. Problem is that I still love this woman unconditionally. Despite the 9 circles of Hell she put me through. But she made me dead to her, and I never got to say goodbye. It is easier to stomach that emptiness when a loved one passes away. But when they still live, and forbid any contact, and have literally stolen all things and loved ones- poisoning the well of friendships I drank from for 15 years - that is the worst kind of goodbye...

The one I'm forbidden to say...

Day 18 - The Siren's Song

Only a handful of people know where I am on this planet, and how to communicate with me. As I've stated in previous Blog Posts: I have trust issues. More so now than I have ever had considering what the human I trusted more than anyone on this Earth put me through and caused me to endure over the last month. My own Father & Brother know not where I am. So, as I've stated to many before I left - I am in the wind. And I intend to keep it that way. Call it my coat of armor disallowing anyone or anything to get in. It is how I now unfortunately protect myself. 

But my best friend in the world posed a question to me.... "Would I come back to my former life and love if I was given the opportunity?"

Ah, the Beast whispers to me in my lonely darkness.... Tempting.... Playing with my broken heart & soul....

Every day when I wake up I see the same placard in my new home. It states, "Man can not change the direction of the wind but can adjust his sails..."

When my friend asked me his question I immediately thought of that placard, and then thought of Homer's "Odyssey." When the Sirens' Songs lured ships at sea into a seemingly loving embrace, only to smash them upon the rocks...

I've adjusted my sails, and as tempting as the Beast might ever be if She were to sing to me, THAT ship has sailed... Away from the rocks!

Onward & upward into the Light!

Day 16 - Wrackspurts

"A Wrackspurt... They're invisible. They float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy, I thought I felt one zooming around in here."

For you HARRY POTTER fans, a Wrackspurt is an invisible creature which floats into a person's ears, making his/her brain go fuzzy. Supposedly, Wrackspurts can be seen with aid of Spectrespecs. Those suffering from Wrackspurt infections can possibly dispell them by thinking positive thoughts.

My beach IS my positive thought! My solution to survive IS my positive thought! A paycheck justification and a flirtatious comment from a pretty girl MAKE my positive thoughts these days!!! 

I had a "Wrackspurt" buzzing around my brain for almost 3 years. It clouded my vision. It blackened my light. 

But as Obi-Wan would say, "The Force will be with you... Always!"

Which, in layman's terms means, "Fuck you Harry! You use magic to bend reality to place self favor in your own physical dimension! Only to benefit you!"

I say, "The Force is MY ally! It is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, It penetrates us, It binds the galaxy together!"

So, I now ask this of you - Oh, Potter Alum....

Let go your conscious self... And ACT ON INSTINCT!!!

Day 15 - Echoes of Laughter Floating on Perfume

I said last night it was good to feel myself again. And evidently it is showing!

My entire day was filled meeting women of all ages from all corners of the globe. Naturally, I want to hear a girlish giggle and see the flash of a dainty smile from a beautiful woman. It was what made my heart leap in my past life. And somewhere along the way I lost myself - the love and charm that would bring a smile to a pretty face and cause uncontrollable schoolgirl giggling. 

I was blessed today. I felt myself for the first time in a very long time. Every person I encountered today was stunningly gorgeous and allowed me to "Play" at the level that brought smiles and giggles to their pretty faces!

There was laughter today! Happiness! All carried on the scent of flowers from beautiful women from all over the world!

And the storm surge receded a little more tonight!

Day 14 - Loneliness of a Social Creature

I'm I am a social animal by nature. I love the Theatre, I love the stage, I love to perform... It makes me somewhat of a playful & extroverted middle aged child. And my job helps with my daily healing. I get to intermingle with other humans from every walk of life - every race, gender, social class, sexual orientation, religion... You name it. And everyone allows me to be me. 

And they love it!

And I love it!

My high blood pressure & stress level have both dropped exponentially over the last three weeks since I landed on my beach! It is amazing how liberating it has been by LITERALLY losing EVERYTHING and starting completely over at 45 years old! A liberation of my heart, mind, and soul!

But there is also the void....

The black hole of emptiness that exists where love & companionship once lived and breathed. 

What do I do with the love in my heart now? Where do I send it? What direction does it need to travel to?

My beach is filled with debris and fallout from the hurricane which tore through my heart & soul. It has created a storm surge  of love and light with nowhere to go... So it floods my privacy. The hours when I'm alone... The endless flow from my heart... My love with nowhere to go now...

That's when the loneliness of my new life swells, and the pain comes back... A social creature who is all alone at the end of the day...

And I ask the Universe, "What do I do now? I'm broken, bleeding from my soul, and don't know where or how to channel the love I have inside me... What do I do now?"

And as I write this, the Universe answered me as my new found feline friend Frances bounced up the driveway and into my lap. For the first time - in my lap purring as loud as he could!

And the flood waters receded a little tonight!

Day 12 - The Judas Kiss & The Salted Wound

Julius Caesar nailed it! 

I know what you're thinking... "Et tu, Brute?"

Well, that quote HAS crossed my mind a few thousand times over the last month!

 

But I think Caesar nailed it by saying, "Men at some time are masters of their fates: 

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars

But in ourselves, that we are underlings."

In other words, regardless of what the Universe attempts to tell us, it is ultimately our own actions that decide the result or consequence. 

My first Blog Post touched on that. My actions created consequences. But if we peel back the onion skin a bit farther, we see that there are behaviors which result in actions that result in consequences.  

And that is the cross I currently feel across my back... I went an entire week without tears. I suppose it was because I was so focused on landing somewhere I could call home. Survival instincts kicked in: shelter, food, work... All of which took 110% of my energy and focus. 

Then there was a roof... A fridge full of food... A paycheck to keep a sustainable basic life.... 

And that's when the dreams started. Or, rather, the nightmares.... Vivid dreams of the Beast who seduced me... Possessed me... Consumed me...

She, whom I still love and ache for every minute of every day. She who betrayed me, not unlike Judas or Brutus. And has brought pain upon my soul as scorching as salt in an open wound. 

And yet I still miss her... I still ache for her... The empty void in me is a black hole that sucks away the light...

And that is where I have to take a long look in the mirror, and stop the Beast from consuming the light. I tell myself it is okay to mourn. It is alright to release a torrent of tears. But know that time will heal the wound torn so deeply into my soul. 

I guess what really eats at me is the "Why?" of all of it. I'm overly analytical by nature, so "Why?" is the stuff of my nightmares...

Why did she cheat?

Why did I support her & her children as best I could for 3 years when she was unemployed?

Why did she claim I should consider her children as "Ours."?

Why did she get away with stealing EVERYTHING I own (other than my car & my clothes), leaving me with nothing?

Why did she leave me, already bankrupt, with thousands of dollars of bills in my name that I cannot pay?

Why did she lie? Over and over and over and over again?

And, WHY did I get so enveloped in the seduction and the betrayal?

Why? 

I don't know... As Caesar would say, "It's all Greek to me." I just know that there is nowhere to go now but up. When you find your true bottom in the darkness, you can only ascend into the light!

Day 10 - 1 month forced into new life

I read that comfort equals happiness this morning. That shelter from the rain for the homeless makes for comfort, and thus happiness. That a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" brings comfort, and thus, happiness. And finally "pay it forward!"

I find the words comforting, but the source is one of hypocrisy. I don't think she understands the true meaning of comfort and compassion for other humans. I think her definition is one that is self serving for her. 

And that is ok. I've cut that line and watched it drift out to sea. 

I think the true meaning of happiness is one that a person seeks for himself/herself. There in lies comfort to be found. 

At the end of the day it is only ourselves that must claim responsibility for our actions and our path in life. No one else can make that for us. Though individuals cross our paths and garner influence over us, it is ultimately up to us to do what we think is best to survive in this game of life. 

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of my past life's death. And the 10th day of my rebirth. Though this new life is quite lonely at times, I know & trust that the Universe will illuminate my way - as long as I stay in the light. It is ultimately up to me. I am only responsible for me. I alone can only allow darkness to enter my life. And I choose light. Too many signs along this route have pointed me into the light. And I like where it is leading me. I only must have patience and faith. Those two things will see me through. And then my trust in humanity will begin to heal and guide me to trust again.

Every day I heal a little more with love & light!

Day 8 - Payday

I will keep this brief because I'm worn out. Tomorrow is payday! I am literally counting my blessings and my pennies!

Tomorrow not only marks my first payday in my new life - it also marks a full week in my new home after a full month of gut wrenching tragic fallout from my former life. 

I survived! Somehow, by the Grace of  God I made it through THE darkest part of my life. 

Homeless, penniless, loveless, abandoned....

The tears still come and go... My heart still aches.... But I'm healing. On my beach. And my new life gets a paycheck tomorrow!!!

I celebrate this win!!!

Lemons & Sugar

You set me free! 

I found the "Sugar" for my "Lemons." 

I love you, I miss you, I ache for you with ALL of my heart! 

But I also THANK YOU!!!!

#MyBeach

Day 7 - The Gospel According to Jim

A man who went long before his time... A man that was decades ahead of the creative music scene... A man that was THE key to The Doors...

Jim Morrison

I received two "Get Out of Jail Free" cards over the last two days on the Monopoly Board of Life. Both of them also said "Collect $200 and Pass 'GO'"

I worked much longer than I wished to on this morning/yesterday's eve. I watched the sun come behind me on the beach. But I achieved my goal! I am on track now to earn what I need to survive! I'm exhausted, but this is perhaps THE most relaxed I've been in over 10 years. 

And I can say with 110% certainty that the light at the end of the tunnel I now see is most definitely NOT another oncoming train!!!

I heard the Gospel According to Jim tonight as I worked to achieve a goal I set for myself! 

Thank you Saint

Morrison! I HAVE, in fact, made a "Break On Through to the Other Side!!!!!"

And I continue to "BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAAAAAAAKKKK!!!!" 

Day 6 - "The Cat Lady Returns!"

In the past, in my former life, there was a lot of talk about animal spirits. And I have believed that those I have loved and lost in life can somehow reappear in the form of animals to let me know I am on the right path. An encounter with a certain four-legged feline recently has affirmed that belief that I have.

The day that I looked at my new home, as I walked back out to my car I was greeted by a little red cat, not unlike my GiGi that was taken from me. My "ginger cat" of 10 years whom I was denied of ever seeing again when I was cast out of my past life. This new furry little friend came running up to me and immediately started wrapping himself around the inside of my ankles, purring extremely loudly. I took that as a good sign that I had found THE place I was going to be healing and welcoming to me which I now call home.

I woke up this morning and walked out my front door and was greeted by a very soft and sweet meow. I looked up above me and there was my red little friend on the roof of my new home staring down at me with a smile that only a cat can have - A Cheshire grin! Full of unconditional love that only in animal can give as he purred and rubbed on my hand when I reached up to say hello to my new found friend. 

And then it dawned on me, we always referred to my grandmother as "The Cat Lady." And as with many of the other angelic signs of light that I have found as I have relocated to my new home, I like to think that my new friend is just another sign from the universe that I am in the right place and all will be well.

And as I write this brief little blog he sits on top of my rooftop watching me as I dictate this into words.

I think I'm going to call him Frances!

Day 4 - Angels & Demons

Someone in my family made something  crystal clear to me yesterday with the comment, "You got in bed with the Devil..."

It took 24 hours for it to sink in. And as she said, it should scare the shit out of me... And it does - the more I think about it! 

Sunday School used to teach me that The Devil seduces and deceives man. Even Jesus Christ was tempted in the desert. The lesson was that even those of us that attempt to do good and walk in the light can be seduced and deceived by dark forces. 

My aunt's words really sunk in. She showed me messages, as well as the lack of, in the darkest times of my life that were both sent and ignored by THE one I thought to be a soul mate. 

It's funny how you think you know people. How one can be seduced and completely taken in by the deception of "goodness." What terrifies me is that I fell into the seduction. I loved it with all of my heart. I'd have laid my life down for the person I thought I knew better than anyone on the planet. 

And that was my Faust story. I was seduced by something so evil I could not fathom that the angel I laid down with was a demon set to possess my soul, and make me walk in darkness by constantly calling it the light. 

That REALLY terrifies me. That I could be swept up under a Demon's wing and love it unconditionally - have it possess my own soul - and cause me to question whether or not I should stop my own pulse- to release my soul because of this entity. 

Now, hundreds & hundreds of miles away from that entity I find my self penniless, but so much more peaceful. Because I know the Universe sees and hears all of her children. And she witnessed my seduction, the deceits, and my "possession" if you will. 

And I've walked into the light! There is wind and warmth and peace in this light. And the demons have been made rid of my possessions. And even penniless I have found peace!

Day 3 - $160

If you read my 1st post you've read how I got here. 

Funny thing about "The Universe" is that it gives & it takes without explanation...

After my 1st post I thought I'd made it through the other side... That I'd walked through the flames to the other side. 

Then the bank email came....

I'm out of money....

I have a roof over my head now, but now have nothing in reserve to use so as feed myself. 

Now, I can go 2 days without food... Done it before, I'll do it again. But without the promise of work beyond that second day.... I'm 6'2" & 215 lbs. I need to eat!!! Day 3 I get hungry! And the thought of completely broke frightened the shit out of me! I pushed my hunger down for a day, and I did what I'd swore to myself that I'd never do.... I asked for help....

I asked for help from the only people in my family whom I felt KNEW me, and did not believe the piece/parchment lies written about me. 

A week.... That's all I need (as far as I know at this point) to survive. I kept a count.... Right around $160 for a couple of pots & pans, food, gasoline.... And a solar powered elephant to put on my dashboard - trunk up & ears flapping = a good day!

$160 to stay on my feet!

I'm still standing! I'm alive! I'm grateful! I'm loved, and I love! 

And I swear to return the $160 gift given to me to keep me standing!!!

And I say thank you, and I love you & appreciate the loving bond that makes family THE number one importance in life!

....and even in the dark the elephant has his trunk up, and his ears keep flapping!

😊

Day 1.... A rebirth.....

I'm taking a page out of the book of the human being I love more than life itself. I'm going to write... I'm going to gently convert my rage, hurt, sadness, and joy into words. To work it out of my head.

Today is the first day I have not cried since October 10th, 2015. And when I say cry - I mean unending rivers of tears that run deeper than any ocean, and are brought forth in a howling and primal, uncontrollable sobbing. 

The last time I cried like this was in December 1986 when my Mother died. And even then, I only wept when I didn't have to be strong for my 5 year old brother - abandoned in life by our Mother.

Her death was the hardest event in my life I have ever had to deal with. Until now... 

I am 45 years old, college educated, well spoken, attractive. I thought I'd found my soulmate back in 2012. She told me, "With me you have to accept the whole package - me, my daughter, and my son." And I welcomed it wide eyed and with open arms. And for 3 years I started building a life with the woman I love so dearly and her her two children. We moved in together. She was unemployed and I worked to support her. I paid for the roof over our head and as much as I could for her and her two children - for 2 and a half years. I sacrificed, worked, and loved my new family. Though I did not father either of them, I thought of them as my own, and would have laid my life down without a second thought for all of them. 

Stress makes people do strange things... The entire time I was working to build my new family and lay deep roots down with them the Universe kept throwing knuckleballs into my gut. And I did not react well to the undue stress. Maybe it was because I was working so hard to do all the right things to support my family. Not ever having children myself, I only had the image in my mind of "how it was supposed to be done." I did the best I could.

And I failed....

I let my emotions get the best of me, and BELIEVE ME, if I had it all to do over again I would have done things so differently! But hindsight is 20/20. 

Without going into a diatribe of events, I will just say this: I fell victim to lies and deceit from the one person I held dearest to my heart & soul. I have "trust issues" that I have spent 30 years working to overcome after my Mother's suicide. And once I knew I'd been lied to and my trust in the one I love most had been shattered, I let rage, pain, and raw animalistic emotion consume me to the point I lost control of myself in my pain and rage. And it was wrong. So utterly wrong! It set in motion a series of events that has found me writing down these thoughts hundreds of miles away from the life and family I was working so hard to make for myself. 

I was wrong. But I was never given an opportunity to right that wrong. And I will live with the regret of my emotional actions for the rest of my life. But I didn't deserve all of the fallout. 

She whom I trusted and loved more than anyone I have ever known continued to lie to those in a position of authority. Her lies allowed a Magistrate to order me into a Mental Hospital where I was held against my will for almost a week. She then submitted to the court more lies about me which evicted me from the home that I'd paid for throughout the 2 and a half year duration we'd lived there. I was abandoned and left allowed to take my clothes and my car from my home. 

Forbidden to speak to the woman I love so dearly.... And after my blood, sweat, and tears working to provide for her & her children - She left me homeless... Forbidden to ever return... And to this day no contact now - almost a month.

My life.... Stripped away from me... Everything I knew and loved stolen from me... My heart broken, and my soul shattered... Abandoned again... But this time worse than my Mother's abandonment.

This time I was truly alone...

You come face to face with your own soul when you hit rock bottom. You find out who you truly are and what kind of human being you are. I did! And I was forced to make a choice - I can live, or I can die. It was that simple. And I was the only one that could make that choice. I had been forced out alone on the street. No one at my side for guidance or insight. Just me. Barebones... Raw... Confused... Gut wrenching... And completely alone.

Live or die?

And what's more, how?

I was left for dead. Abandoned by the human being I loved more than any soul I've ever encountered. And still do! The pain is excruciating.

But somehow I am still here. I chose life instead of death. I put the only belongings I was allowed to have in my car and I drove away from everything and everyone I know & love... My life as I have known it for almost 15 years has ended. 

Rebirth happens now. I drove into a sunset on a beach. My beach. 

I looked up from the depths of the Hell I was tossed aside into - where I commiserated with people only read about in fatalistic news reports - when not in my car, I slept in places so filthy that the roaches were terrified - looked down the barrel of a gun pointed at me - stared at the edge of a blade ready to gut me like a fish.... I became as real and as primitive a human being as I have ever been. That level of primitive and basic human instinct  lowered the barrel of the gun pointed at me, folded the blade up and pocketed the knife poised to slice me open, swept the dirt and filth off of the floors I would sleep on. And after almost a month of a literal living Hell - I have found a new home! I have made it through to the other side! I lived!!! And it has made me a far stronger human being!!!

And I am reborn!