Miracles happen. I have witnessed them. My faith in humanity has at last been restored! My faith in myself has been rediscovered! And I can finally see, hear, and feel what the Universe has been silently screaming in my direction for years now.
It starts with letting go. Letting go of fear, anger, and hate. Surrendering to a Higher Power and living life one day at a time. Knowing what I can and cannot control. Trusting myself and listening to my instincts. And accepting love that I never knew existed.
The last 2 weeks have been hard. I continue to feel the void of all I have lost, as well as the sadness and pain left in its wake. But I have felt something new as of recent that now coexists with this darkness. I can find faith where I once had none. I can hear and feel my Guiding Spirits giving me assurances and strengthening my instincts. I can let go of that which I cannot control and surrender to the Universe. And I have become strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when I need help, and brave enough to ask for it.
I am 3 weeks into my new home. My new landlord has been gracious enough to allow me to pay weekly portions of my rent for my first month so I can get back on my feet. He has opened his door to me when all others have been closed. I've been disqualified from every apartment I've applied to because of the bankruptcy my ex-wife forced me into and the outstanding warrant for my arrest my ex-fiancé made for me at Christmas stating I was stalking her in NC (unbeknownst to me while I was hundreds of miles away in FL shuttling beach rats and holiday drunks around from bar to bar.) Those things tend to show up on the standard background check required when one attempts to rent an apartment... But I digress... I explained to my landlord the challenges I faced and he helped me despite of them.
Then 2 weeks ago my car (my livelihood as an Uber driver) decided to die on the freeway at 70mph leaving me stranded. I was faced with several hundred dollars of repair work now in addition to several hundred dollars to keep the car insured and a few hundred dollars needed for rent that maxed out my budget. Throw in the little fact that I would be out of work for a full week to allow for the car repairs and let panic ensue!
But instead of panicking and letting anger, fear, and frustration get the better of me I looked to the light. I saw the test the Universe put before me. And I let go and asked my Guiding Spirits for help. They gave me the courage to turn to those who have never turned their back to me, my friends. My oldest and dearest family of friends of my life.
A miracle happened.
Those who encouraged me to come home - that circle of lifetime friends - passed the proverbial hat around through the magic of social media to help a fallen comrade and lift him back up on his feet. People I have not seen up to that point for 25+ years. I went to bed that Sunday night praying for help. I woke up to a multitude of letters of love, support, and well wishes. All accompanied by $1600 of collected donations from them to pay for repairs, insurance, and housing so that I could work and have shelter. From my friends. Given with love and without hesitation.
I cried. I cry as I write this.
The human heart and soul are so incredibly powerful. And just as one so black cast me aside into the darkness allowing me to doubt my self worth and reason for existence, hundreds have pulled me back into the light with love to let me know that I've always mattered to them, and the hole that would be left by my lack of physical existence would be too great to ever fill.
Suzy, who I wrote about in my last post, continues to tell me that daily. Lynda, an old college friend wrote about it recently and has created a new 3rd grade fanbase cheering me on. I'd said something years ago about her that lifted her up during a rough time for her personally, and she's held on to it for all these years. She was teaching her class about Watershed Moments and this is what she said:
Lamar Wilson and I attended college together, and I didn’t know him well. It was a small department at a small school, so we knew of each other and after we graduated I got to know his unique performance style.Over the last year Lamar has fallen on hard times.
I don’t mean he got a bummer of a performance review or got a flat tire on the freeway. I mean life knocked him down and then spit on him once he was there. Lamar is definitely too nice of a guy for a fate like that to befall him.
Then Lamar asked his friends for help.
Within hours, several of his friends made contributions to give him a leg back up. This includes me.
Now I’m not much in a position to help many people out, but years ago, when I was in college and going through a dark and difficult time, Lamar said something that I really needed to hear. He said it at a party that I didn’t even attend. I’m fairly certain that a lot of people were helped out by Lamar in a similar way.
He paid me a kindness that he didn’t have to, so I paid him one right back.
My hopes are that he will get blessings a thousandfold back for those he distributed to the world.
When she sent that to me I literally went down to my knees and wept. My face and neck tingled, feeling like an electric current was running through me. I think it was my Guardian Angels touching me and allowing me to see the good man I am and giving me the faith to at long last believe it.
Lynda talks to me daily and brings me fits of laughter and joy with her fantastic sense of humor. We got to finally catch up the other night over the last 25 years. I think we'll collaborate on future projects because the parallels in our lives are as bountiful as the humor we seem to find in them and each other.
I was told by my aunt months ago that the Universe was beckoning me to go home to revisit things in the past so as to be able to move forward into my future. I hear what it is saying now, and I will continue to listen. I am truly home now. Home amongst the love of my friends and the miracles of which they are, and they bring!
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