Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

Day 147 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part II

Miracles happen. I have witnessed them. My faith in humanity has at last been restored! My faith in myself has been rediscovered! And I can finally see, hear, and feel what the Universe has been silently screaming in my direction for years now. 

It starts with letting go. Letting go of fear, anger, and hate. Surrendering to a Higher  Power and living life one day at a time. Knowing what I can and cannot control. Trusting myself and listening to my instincts. And accepting love that I never knew existed.

The last 2 weeks have been hard. I continue to feel the void of all I have lost, as well as the sadness and pain left in its wake. But I have felt something new as of recent that now coexists with this darkness. I can find faith where I once had none. I can hear and feel my Guiding Spirits giving me assurances and strengthening my instincts. I can let go of that which I cannot control and surrender to the Universe. And I have become strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when I need help, and brave enough to ask for it. 

I am 3 weeks into my new home. My new landlord has been gracious enough to allow me to pay weekly portions of my rent for my first month so I can get back on my feet. He has opened his door to me when all others have been closed. I've been disqualified from every apartment I've applied to because of the bankruptcy my ex-wife forced me into and the outstanding warrant for my arrest my ex-fiancé made for me at Christmas stating I was stalking her in NC (unbeknownst to me while I was hundreds of miles away in FL shuttling beach rats and holiday drunks around from bar to bar.) Those things tend to show up on the standard background check required when one attempts to rent an apartment... But I digress... I explained to my landlord the challenges I faced and he helped me despite of them. 

Then 2 weeks ago my car (my livelihood as an Uber driver) decided to die on the freeway at 70mph leaving me stranded. I was faced with several hundred dollars of repair work now in addition to several hundred dollars to keep the car insured and a few hundred dollars needed for rent that maxed out my budget. Throw in the little fact that I would be out of work for a full week to allow for the car repairs and let panic ensue!

But instead of panicking and letting anger, fear, and frustration get the better of me I looked to the light. I saw the test the Universe put before me. And I let go and asked my Guiding Spirits for help. They gave me the courage to turn to those who have never turned their back to me, my friends. My oldest and dearest family of friends of my life. 

A miracle happened. 

Those who encouraged me to come home - that circle of lifetime friends - passed the proverbial hat around through the magic of social media to help a fallen comrade and lift him back up on his feet. People I have not seen up to that point for 25+ years. I went to bed that Sunday night praying for help. I woke up to a multitude of letters of love, support, and well wishes. All accompanied by $1600 of collected donations from them to pay for repairs, insurance, and housing so that I could work and have shelter. From my friends. Given with love and without hesitation. 

I cried. I cry as I write this. 

The human heart and soul are so incredibly powerful. And just as one so black cast me aside into the darkness allowing me to doubt my self worth and reason for existence, hundreds have pulled me back into the light with love to let me know that I've always mattered to them, and the hole that would be left by my lack of physical existence would be too great to ever fill. 

Suzy, who I wrote about in my last post, continues to tell me that daily. Lynda, an old college friend wrote about it recently and has created a new 3rd grade fanbase cheering me on. I'd said something years ago about her that lifted her up during a rough time for her personally, and she's held on to it for all these years. She was teaching her class about Watershed Moments and this is what she said:

Lamar Wilson and I attended college together, and I didn’t know him well. It was a small department at a small school, so we knew of each other and after we graduated I got to know his unique performance style.Over the last year Lamar has fallen on hard times.

I don’t mean he got a bummer of a performance review or got a flat tire on the freeway. I mean life knocked him down and then spit on him once he was there.  Lamar is definitely too nice of a guy for a fate like that to befall him.

Then Lamar asked his friends for help.

Within hours, several of his friends made contributions to give him a leg back up. This includes me.

Now I’m not much in a position to help many people out, but years ago, when I was in college and going through a dark and difficult time, Lamar said something that I really needed to hear. He said it at a party that I didn’t even attend. I’m fairly certain that a lot of people were helped out by Lamar in a similar way.

He paid me a kindness that he didn’t have to, so I paid him one right back.

My hopes are that he will get blessings a thousandfold back for those he distributed to the world.

When she sent that to me I literally went down to my knees and wept. My face and neck tingled, feeling like an electric current was running through me. I think it was my Guardian Angels touching me and allowing me to see the good man I am and giving me the faith to at long last believe it. 

Lynda talks to me daily and brings me fits of laughter and joy with her fantastic sense of humor. We got to finally catch up the other night over the last 25 years. I think we'll collaborate on future projects because the parallels in our lives are as bountiful as the humor we seem to find in them and each other. 

I was told by my aunt months ago that the Universe was beckoning me to go home to revisit things in the past so as to be able to move forward into my future. I hear what it is saying now, and I will continue to listen. I am truly home now. Home amongst the love of my friends and the miracles of which they are, and they bring!

Day 26 - The True Meaning of Thankful!

I just wrapped a 24 hour shift so that I can reach some personal financial goals for next week. I even got a phone number from a pretty woman tonight for the first time in 3 years! The full moon shined down on me yesterday, and last night for a change, instead of turning me into a wild, howling animal it brought forward light, hope, and love of humanity! 😊

So, before I bed down for a well deserved nap today, I wanted to express my Thanks to The Universe...

I am thankful for a roof over my head! 

I am thankful for the food in my belly, small amount as it is (but I need a flat belly if I'm gonna wander the shores of My Beach)! 

I am thankful for the gas in my tank! 

I am thankful for the hundreds of souls beaming with positive light of whom I have met over the last month - restoring some of the faith I had in humanity! 

I am thankful for witnessing a breathtaking sunrise just before I call it a night. 

And I am thankful for those I hold closest and dearest to my heart - the ones who watch over me from this world, and the next!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! After you read this turn to the person closest to you and pull them tight to you, and tell them why & how you are thankful that he/she is in your life and suddenly wrapped in your arms!!!

L