In 1969 the psychiatrist ELISABETH KUBLER-ROSS wrote one of the most influential books in the history of psychology, On Death and Dying. It exposed the heartless treatment of terminally-ill patients prevalent at the time. On the positive side, it altered the care and treatment of dying people. On the negative side, it postulated the now infamous five stages of dying—Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (DABDA), so annealed in culture that most people can recite them by heart.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a fearless pioneer who openly took the medical profession to task for its callous disregard for the feelings of dying people. The subtitle of On Death and Dying explains the book’s primary focus: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families. The lessons Kubler-Ross learned from those dying people, coupled with her compassionate regard for them, became a focal point of the emergent Hospice movement. Somehow, over the years, the real virtues inspired by her work have been subordinated to the inaccurately named, largely imaginary stages. Somehow the 5 stages of dying morphed into the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. All of which except anger are merely a myth.
Denial - My fiancé betrayed me, lied to everyone (including law enforcement), and had me surgically removed from my life in Charlotte of 15 years. Though there is shock that the one I held dearest to my heart and soul could ever behave in such a way after everything I poured out of myself for her, her children, our home, and our lives together, there is no denying it. I find myself alone every night and every morning now. There is no denying that. The complete lack of all of my "worldly goods" which were stolen from me leaves nothing to be denied. The empty space once occupied by family and friends cannot be denied. Thus, the "denial stage" of grief is a myth.
Bargaining - My fiancé went to great calculated measures to make sure I could not find any way to communicate with her after the death of our engagement and 3 year relationship lest I find myself incarcerated. There is no way to "bargain" with her for my things, for my pets, for some kind of dialogue, or for the $10,000 engagement & wedding ring set. She made sure she took every chip off of the table and stacked the deck in her favor. No bargaining. Another myth of grief.
Depression - Though it is natural to feel sadness, depression is not a normal stage of grief. Depression is a mental health condition. Are grievers clinically depressed? With very few exceptions, the answer is “no”, and in those few cases only if they were clinically depressed before the loss that affected them. Grief is the normal reaction to loss, but clinical depression is abnormal and requires different treatment. The line between grief-related depression and clinical depression has become hopelessly blurred, in part because the medical and mental health professions have adopted the non-existent stages of grief. Am I sad because of the loss of my love and life? Absolutely! I cannot put into words how painful the last two months have been as I have tried to heal. But am I depressed? No. I don't turn into myself and close out the world for days at a time. When I feel the blanket of sadness envelope me I grieve, I cry uncontrollably for a little while, and like a summer thunderstorm I let it pass through me and seek the arriving sunshine by meeting new people and engaging the world. So depression in grief? Another myth.
Acceptance - I wrote in one of my first blog posts that I faced a simple black and white choice after my life was stolen away from me: I could live or die. There was no "acceptance" of what She did to me - it happened. Acceptance, as it relates to psychology or emotions, is a vague and amorphous term. Since there is almost never denial or disbelief that a loss of a loved one occurred, the concept of acceptance is confusing, if not moot. For example, an 85 year old woman whose spouse of 62 years has died reports a different emotional picture about her life and response to that loss of a loved one, than does a 62 year old woman whose 85 year old father has died. Both involve 62 year relationships, but the idea that there could be a stage of acceptance applicable to both is illogical. Therin lies the myth of the acceptance stage of grief.
That leaves anger... Things do happen when a loved one is lost. One may be angry with God, with circumstances leading to the loss, with the enablers that helped to influence those circumstances, and even with the person Herself for making the choices She made. But anger is not a universal feeling when someone important to us is lost, and therefore is not a stage.
To be honest with you, I don't know that you can even break down the raw and gutted feelings grief lays in Her wake into any measurable "stages" except for maybe one: time. Because time is the sole anomaly that takes any shape or form of a "stage" within the grieving process. Time is unending. It lessens the pain as it continues on, but it will never erase the scars ripped into our hearts, minds, and souls.
