Day 110 - Hope Springs Eternal... Many Happy Returns!

Tomorrow I will find myself walking this planet for 46 years, and I have found this birthday week filled with with a multitude of gifts. Not the kind one finds wrapped with eye catching, colorful paper - but gifts to be grateful for and celebrated. Gifts sent in the forms of signs from the Universe that I am finally in the right place to begin the rest of my life. Gifts of friendships, love, work, family, and signs of guidance and light. 

My soul continues to hum & vibrate like a tuning fork that is resonating with the world around me. The signs are everywhere every day and I find my psyche aligning with what the Universe is saying to me more with each passing day. 

Monday the Universe guided me into an up close and personal view of complete loss and devastation. 3 times. I was led through the neighborhoods of Rowlett, Texas where an F4 tornado leveled homes in a scene that I can only describe as what looked like a war zone. 3 times. And each of those times I was sent a message of hope amongst the devastation that laid before me. A young man suffering with a brain trauma, and two women in the final weeks of pregnancy. I was given examples of life and joy that were emerging out of desolation. 

The young man: suffering from a lifelong brain injury, and now homeless from the loss of his home, as well as the overwhelming pain in his head. Yet, he did not complain. He was grateful for the medical attention he was receiving and the temporary home made for him where we drove. He chatted happily the entire way like a chirping bird in a new dawn's light. 

The 2 women: 2 different rides given to them - One at the end of her 9th month of pregnancy with her 3rd child - a girl. And one midway through her 9th month with her 1st child - a boy. Both coming out of different sides of the neighborhood of destruction, and both glowing and joyous for the new life they are about to bring forth. 

Gifts to me from the Universe with a loud and clear message that Hope Springs Eternal. And each one leading me back through my past into Rockwall where I grew up. 

It was a day of fond memories for me. A trip down memory lane where I found joy in recalling childhood events I'd long forgotten. A torrent of happy memories poured out with every home I drove past in my old neighborhood. What's more, 3 different childhood friends reached out to me through Facebook Messenger just after I drove past their old homes where they grew up. More gifts given to me from the Universe. The best of which was hearing from Melissa, my oldest childhood friend, just minutes after I stood looking at her old home and laughing to myself about our past antics & adventures together that suddenly revisited my mind. We had lunch today, by the way. And she is still the same pretty little girl with the million dollar smile I grew up with but haven't seen in 30 years. Another gift!

Yesterday I picked up an old college class mate at DFW Airport. My Uber alert told me I had a passenger named Kathy (from NJ) requesting a ride. By chance I randomly got assigned the fare in the airport queue. Then, a 45 minute drive talking about our collective college friends. More joy and fond memories bubbling up into my brain! Again, a gift...

I've booked 2 acting jobs this week and will work a 3rd on Saturday with another college chum. More gifts!!!

2 random fares this week, both in the entertainment industry, and both who requesting my résumé. Additionally, both separately spouting off names of friends we had in common. Gifts - all!!!

And so, as I close my eyes for the final night of my 45th year, I celebrate my 1st half of life. I give thanks to all it has bestowed upon me - both its pain and its joy. Because it has made me into the man I am now. Taught me that which I need to wake up in the morning to begin my 46th year with joy, and cherish each day that follows for the next half of my life!

Day 40 - The 5 Stages of Grief - A Modern Myth

In 1969 the psychiatrist ELISABETH KUBLER-ROSS wrote one of the most influential books in the history of psychology, On Death and Dying. It exposed the heartless treatment of terminally-ill patients prevalent at the time. On the positive side, it altered the care and treatment of dying people. On the negative side, it postulated the now infamous five stages of dying—Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (DABDA), so annealed in culture that most people can recite them by heart. 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a fearless pioneer who openly took the medical profession to task for its callous disregard for the feelings of dying people. The subtitle of On Death and Dying explains the book’s primary focus: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families. The lessons Kubler-Ross learned from those dying people, coupled with her compassionate regard for them, became a focal point of the emergent Hospice movement. Somehow, over the years, the real virtues inspired by her work have been subordinated to the inaccurately named, largely imaginary stages. Somehow the 5 stages of dying morphed into the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. All of which except anger are merely a myth. 

Denial - My fiancé betrayed me, lied to everyone (including law enforcement), and had me surgically removed from my life in Charlotte of 15 years. Though there is shock that the one I held dearest to my heart and soul could ever behave in such a way after everything I poured out of myself for her, her children, our home, and our lives together, there is no denying it. I find myself alone every night and every morning now. There is no denying that. The complete lack of all of my "worldly goods" which were stolen from me leaves nothing to be denied. The empty space once occupied by family and friends cannot be denied. Thus, the "denial stage" of grief is a myth.

Bargaining - My fiancé went to great calculated measures to make sure I could not find any way to communicate with her after the death of our engagement and 3 year relationship lest I find myself incarcerated. There is no way to "bargain" with her for my things, for my pets, for some kind of dialogue, or for the $10,000 engagement & wedding ring set. She made sure she took every chip off of the table and stacked the deck in her favor. No bargaining. Another myth of grief. 

Depression - Though it is natural to feel sadness, depression is not a normal stage of grief. Depression is a mental health condition. Are grievers clinically depressed? With very few exceptions, the answer is “no”, and in those few cases only if they were clinically depressed before the loss that affected them. Grief is the normal reaction to loss, but clinical depression is abnormal and requires different treatment. The line between grief-related depression and clinical depression has become hopelessly blurred, in part because the medical and mental health professions have adopted the non-existent stages of grief. Am I sad because of the loss of my love and life? Absolutely! I cannot put into words how painful the last two months have been as I have tried to heal. But am I depressed? No. I don't turn into myself and close out the world for days at a time. When I feel the blanket of sadness envelope me I grieve, I cry uncontrollably for a little while, and like a summer thunderstorm I let it pass through me and seek the arriving sunshine by meeting new people and engaging the world. So depression in grief? Another myth. 

Acceptance - I wrote in one of my first blog posts that I faced a simple black and white choice after my life was stolen away from me: I could live or die. There was no "acceptance" of what She did to me - it happened. Acceptance, as it relates to psychology or emotions, is a vague and amorphous term. Since there is almost never denial or disbelief that a loss of a loved one occurred, the concept of acceptance is confusing, if not moot. For example, an 85 year old woman whose spouse of 62 years has died reports a different emotional picture about her life and response to that loss of a loved one, than does a 62 year old woman whose 85 year old father has died. Both involve 62 year relationships, but the idea that there could be a stage of acceptance applicable to both is illogical. Therin lies the myth of the acceptance stage of grief. 

That leaves anger... Things do happen when a loved one is lost. One may be angry with God, with circumstances leading to the loss, with the enablers that helped to influence those circumstances, and even with the person Herself for making the choices She made. But anger is not a universal feeling when someone important to us is lost, and therefore is not a stage.

To be honest with you, I don't know that you can even break down the raw and gutted feelings grief lays in Her wake into any measurable "stages" except for maybe one: time. Because time is the sole anomaly that takes any shape or form of a "stage" within the grieving process. Time is unending. It lessens the pain as it continues on, but it will never erase the scars ripped into our hearts, minds, and souls.