Ashes to Ashes... Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne... What on Earth does that mean? The Scotch/Irish in me says it means "times gone by" and is about friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten. I watched "When Harry Met Sally" for the umpteenth time the other night, and even Harry was confused by the saying. "Should old acquaintance be forgot? Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances? Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them?"

Sally comes back to say "Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something."

I never really gave it much thought myself until recently. I told the person closest to me today that I feel abandoned. Those I loved most in former life exiled me from their lives a little over a year ago, never to say another word to me - as if I had died. My own family has disappeared from my life as well in a time where I didn't know how to survive until the next tomorrow. Were it not for that one special soul, now dearest to me, I know I wouldn't have seen much beyond July of this year. ​My year long personal human crisis has literally beaten the life out of me so relentlessly I've lost 25% (or roughly 55 pounds) of my former self. The most bowdlerized dismantling created out of my feeling of forgotten abandon which has been keeping me staring bleary eyed into the dark - night after sleepless night - sculpting my evaporating reflection...

2016 beat down the souls of many. And took the souls of many from us. Just this week depriving us of two souls that brought joy to millions. I myself cried an entire night over the loss of Carrie Fisher. Sleepless and sobbing ​like 2 year old over the death of someone I've never met, and then grasping at anything at all to stop the tears by trying to find some logical sense as to WHY exactly I'm so overwrought with emotion. Only to realize over and over again how she and a handful of unknowns created something so magical in a galaxy far, far away some 40 years ago, that still to this day THAT magic continues to make a profound impact on me! It is the very reason why I still have an insatiable appetite to pursue my dream. And in creating my own personal tribute to her (seen at the bottom of this post) I realized how important people are and that we remember them fondly. Because in the blink of an eye, life itself becomes a fleeting memory...

So, as you toast with champagne and share a kiss with someone special as 2017 is born later this evening ponder Sally's take on Auld Lang Syne, and let no one become abandoned. Remember those forgotten, so that they may live on within our souls forever.


For Carrie... Forever Our Princess

Day 356 - There Goes the Groom...

Picture this if you will:

A top secret plan to propose to the woman you love on stage in front of a sold out audience of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Theatre where you and your betrothed met for the first time. A plan so well conceived that you create a custom designed engagement & wedding ring, calculate the precise time you can actually have her two children and your brother all together in attendance - the three most important people in your life other than the woman you will propose to, blessings from both of her parents with her son at your side smiling and excited to hear his grandparents' approval, and the coordination with the Artistic Director of the Theatre where this is all going to come to a climactic conclusion one Saturday evening in May.

The night arrives! The cast is buzzing with excitement as they hear of what is about to happen during the opening curtain speech! The nervous man flips through his proposal speech wrought with the symbolism of the dragonfly animal spirit - a symbol important to her - representing metamorphosis of life! The actor portraying Jesus actually jokes with the man backstage by saying "You deny me?" when offering the man shaking his head "No" for a pen to write down some last minute notes on his speech!

The big moment! She is called upon from center stage by the man! The audience holds their breath as she glides across the stage finding him down on one knee, and then explodes into applause and a standing ovation when she says YES!!!!

It was a night straight out of a Fairytale!

But that is really it all was... A Fairytale ...

Today, October 2nd, 2016 was the day that nervous man was supposed to marry that beautiful princess. The day that Lamar & Shannon were to become Mr. & Mrs. Wilson. My wedding day....

In retrospect I suppose Jesus' denial joke to me backstage should have been an omen as my bride-to-be betrayed me albeit three times last October. Once by her infidelities, again by her excommunication of me from my life and home - my Garden of Eden, and thirdly by lying a final time to authorities condemning me to arrest and incarnation if I were ever to return to North Carolina. My own personal Judas... And my own metaphorical Crucifixion ending my life as I then knew it...

"Life goes on..." Or so they say. And mine has limped along nursing a still badly broken heart. My angels have been very quiet lately. My nightmares and insomnia have been monstrous noisemakers though. Dreams of the only son I would have once had - the boy parked at my side in his grandparents' living room as I nervously asked for their blessings to wed their daughter - dreams of this young man asking why I couldn't at least see him at Christmas. Dreams of the only daughter I could have ever known and her last soul searing scornful words to me that pierced my heart. Waking at 3AM and listening to the silence alone in the dark. 

I am indeed very sad today. And maybe that is why my Angels stifle themselves so. Because it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to remember the Fairytale. The Fairytale is full of love and warm memories that remain as the postcards in the scrapbook of my mind. The happiest of times to smile about and cherish. Maybe that is the lesson today as I reflect. Because when those memories come to life as I close my eyes and remember, it can push the darkness of my anger, pain, and resentment aside to allow for me to focus on the positive things instead of the negative ones from the past. And from there to find the goodness and happiness of the here and now where I find myself today...

Day 39 - Skin

Paint yourself a picture

Of what you wish you looked like

Maybe then they just might

Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus

Step out of the shadows

It's a losing battle

There's no need to be ashamed

'Cause they don't even know you

All they see is scars

They don't see the angel

Living in your heart

Let them find the real you

Buried deep within

Let them know with all you've got

That you are not your skin

Oh

When they start to judge you

Show them your true colors

And do unto others

As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this

Kill them with your kindness

Ignorance is blindness

They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you

All they see is scars

They don't see the angel

Living in your heart

Let them find the real you

Buried deep within

Let them know with all you've got

That you are not your skin

Oh

Well, they don't even know you

All they see is scars

And they don't see the angels

Living in your heart

So, let them find the real you

Buried deep within

Let them know with all you've got

That you are not

You are not your skin

     - Frank Feranna, Jr.