Mystic Pizza...

I find myself writing this morning just to try to once again work some things out of my head. I last wrote of unconditional love given by my mistress that I call the Theatre. How She is both a blessing and a curse that I is an actor find every time I walk either in or out of her loving embrace (in and out of the stage door). The love that I feel from her when I perform, and the loneliness that descends when the lights go out, the audience goes home, and I am left alone with my own thoughts.

Many, many years ago I was given a tarot card reading which I really didn't think much of at the time. During the reading one card was turned over which carried the most significance of the reading according to the mystic "telling my fortune." That card was "The Hermit." The mystic giving my reading took pause upon seeing the face of that card. I looked at him and asked what was wrong judging from the expression on his face. His look was not of concern, but more puzzled surprise. He told me that there was nothing necessarily wrong, however this card signified that my life looked to be like one man walking a very long road. When I questioned the mystic about his statement and asked him to elaborate further on what he meant, he said that it didn't mean I would end up a grizzled old man living alone out in a cabin in the woods. "The Hermit" card merely means that the road I follow will be one walked alone. Now seeing as my girlfriend at that time was present during the reading you can imagine my surprise at hearing this. I have always thought of myself as a bit of a gregarious individual and a very social animal. And given the fact that the love of my life at that time was next to me I was rather expecting to hear about the shared life, a dog, two kids, and a house with a white picket fence. Right? Upon pressing him further the mystic took my hand and pointed to a line in my palm. He pointed out the lifeline. How long it was and how it crossed with other lines. Some shorter, some longer, and some slightly parallel until veering off altogether. But that long line representing my life was a long single line. And to think of it as my journey on the long road of life which crosses many paths. Some briefly, some longer, some with you for a while, and some that go their own way. But that main path is yours and yours alone to walk. And to embrace the walk as a sole traveler.

That tarot reading was about 30 years ago. And For whatever reason I still remember it. "The Hermit." And it wasn't until recently that the thought crossed my mind again.

One of our fellow cast members in this fantastic production that I have been blessed to perform in finished his final show the other night as he is going on to another production out West after 3 years as a Pirate here in Myrtle Beach. He, his talent, and his leadership will be sorely missed here by all, and members of the cast celebrated with him in a final farewell gathering after the last show that evening. I only heard of it from the only other individual left in the dressing room in passing as I was leaving for the night. Being a new member of the cast and not being here as long as the others working with our departing cast mate, and especially not knowing of the celebration I didn't feel right to show up uninvited. There is a long history of years with most everyone else in the cast. But when I saw a "final" Cast Photo on social media taken immediately after a show that night with the entire cast in wardrobe I noticed a member of the cast was missing in the photo. A member of the cast that knew nothing of the photo until I saw it two days later on Instagram & Facebook.


It hurt.

And "The Hermit" tarot reading started swimming around in my head once again. And between that and going home alone to my rented room to enjoy a frozen pizza and "Game of Thrones" 1500 miles away from my family of friends each night after I leave the Theatre, the shadows of rejection and self doubt from my former life creep ever so slowly back into my head and make me wonder what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Maybe I'm an unknowing asshole. Or maybe there was indeed something in those cards.

At any rate, I find myself wishing for the kindred spirits of friends for company.

Or possibly 3 Dragons...

In & Out of the Arms of My Mistress...

Ten weeks ago I set sail for the greatest adventure I've ever plotted a course to navigate. The storms I've weathered in life abruptly ceased, the skies opened up, and blessings radiated down upon me carried upon beams of sunlight.  My emancipated form literally arrived on a wing and a prayer with a couple of suitcases filled with most all of my worldly possessions of clothes, laptop, iPhone & iPad to a beach offering a gift to restore my life and fulfil my dreams. The most beautiful soul I know and love bought the plane ticket for me, and filled my empty pockets with a few hundred dollars for food and living expenses, and arranged a week of lodging in a cozy motel on the beach. The rest was up to me.

Fast forward to the present day. Memorial Day Weekend. I write this post slurping on hot java from the deck of my current abode overlooking the scenic glory of one of the many popular golf courses in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yet another Blessing from on High that literally fell into my lap in the form of a fully furnished 3 bedroom/3bathroom townhouse that I share with another gentleman and his canine companion, Charlie. A perfect arrangement where I can contribute to the cost of my lodging in a "pay as you go" way that coincides with my bi-weekly pay periods.  My closely cropped salt & pepper scalp and grizzled grey bearded scruff no longer exist, but have evolved into a considerably longer mane erupting from the entire surface area of my skull like a Chia Pet, and are now jet black courtesy of the "Just For Men" aisle at the local Walmart. And I've managed put the famous "Freshman Fifteen" back onto my sturdy haunches through three square meals a day.  Yours truly, the Pirate King Blackbeard, seems to be sailing through calm seas with a steady breeze in a sturdy vessel!

And I am! For the first time in almost two years I have finally found my independence at long last where I can proudly provide for myself again!  For the first time in almost two years I have regained my footing without having my legs swept out from underneath me knocking me back down to the ground with a hopeless thud! And for the first time in many years I have found happiness again! True happiness that rushes to embrace me with her loving arms every time I walk through the "Castmember Entrance" of the Theatre that is currently Pirates Voyage!

However, happiness comes with price.  And as of late I find myself having to pay the cost of that price.

It is no great mystery that in order to achieve the things in life that we truly desire one must sacrifice other things. And so it is with me as I sail along my current heading in this fantastic adventure. I also think it is a lesson The Universe demands that I understand completely. 

Those who have known me the longest understand why I call the Theatre "My Mistress." No matter what misfortune has transpired in my life She has always been there for me with open arms and unconditional love.  And I love Her more than anything in life. She gave Herself to me at age 5 and never left. I would wander off, sometimes for years on end. But Her love has never faltered and She has never turned me away when I would return to Her.  Every time Her love growing exponentially. But like every mythological tale of true love, there is a tragic side to the story. And in this instance it is at Her doorstep. You see, She continues to love me like no other, and I Her.  But only in the sanctity of Her domain. Once I leave Her sanctuary and walk out the "Castmember Entrance" to return to the mortal world I reside in She is unable to follow me home, break bread with me, enjoy a moonlit conversation, or even wrap herself around me and drift off to sleep.  That is the price for her unconditional love and happiness.

And it is currently there at that place where I ponder this most recent lesson of The Universe. In every other instance throughout my life I would seek companionship upon leaving the arms of my Mistress. In years past I would latch on to any warm body feigning love and lose my identity completely, only to get crushed and go running back to my Mistress with a broken heart. Lately it is the warmth of my oldest, dearest, and most loved friends that I find myself missing the most and wishing were with me to enjoy this ride. I've made a few new Pirate friends, but other than a certain Calico Co-Star that has heard a Readers Digest version of my life events over the last two years and shares enough theatrical background and life experience to become a trusted friend, everyone else thinks I'm a certified lunatic.  And that's okay. They're very young and don't know what I've been through to get to where I am now in my life, and that because I spend all of my time outside the "Castmember Entrance" alone I turn into a 47 year old child at recess on the playground.  And so today, a dreaded day off without my Mistress, I quietly contemplate this newest lesson The Universe is working to teach me: that it is okay to be truly happy and be by myself at the same time.

And just as I typed this I glanced at the clock... 11:11... And that was The Universe saying that I'm catching on at last! I may currently be sitting by myself and out of the arms of my Mistress that will shower me with love again tomorrow when I walk through Her doors, but I am never truly alone!

Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

The Irony of It All

"Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you."

I find such great irony in both this quote and this picture, both created by the mind of the same real life individual.

Upon reading this quote a very broken part of me painfully thought of another real life individual hearing this quote in her voice. Of course, the words she never actually uttered to me. But quoted words gave voice to her life destroying actions against me. The result rendering me homeless and destitute without ever being given a single opportunity to defend myself. And then the image... Looking through my shattered prism I can see that same woman depicted as Evil personified... Laughing at me and raising a glass to toast the life and love she destroyed by driving a spear through its heart. There still is a very damaged part of my soul that continues to bleed, and will instinctually see such quotes and images materializing into something resembling that woman. At least I can admit that and know that it is coming from broken place inside me.

The irony lies in the fact that my life which had completely lost all its hope and meaning to me just suddenly launched without warning and is traveling at supersonic speed. And from behind the wheel of this rocket ship there is that first individual I explained at the top of this post. The man who actually said, "Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you." and actually designed the image I posted here. And I'm gonna be on the ride of my life!

In 16 days I will take to the stage of the largest production I have ever been a part of and begin the rehearsal process. After which I will take the helm as the lead role on center stage and perform in front of the largest audiences I've ever seen in my life! The maniac behind the wheel is laughing wildly as he accelerates, and Dear God he is raising a glass to toast me! "To you! I give you Quarters as you seize mine!" he bellows! And I'm trying not to have a heart attack from the thrill filling my bones right now! And I'm grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat as this ride increases speed!!!

The irony of it all...

Day 356 - There Goes the Groom...

Picture this if you will:

A top secret plan to propose to the woman you love on stage in front of a sold out audience of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Theatre where you and your betrothed met for the first time. A plan so well conceived that you create a custom designed engagement & wedding ring, calculate the precise time you can actually have her two children and your brother all together in attendance - the three most important people in your life other than the woman you will propose to, blessings from both of her parents with her son at your side smiling and excited to hear his grandparents' approval, and the coordination with the Artistic Director of the Theatre where this is all going to come to a climactic conclusion one Saturday evening in May.

The night arrives! The cast is buzzing with excitement as they hear of what is about to happen during the opening curtain speech! The nervous man flips through his proposal speech wrought with the symbolism of the dragonfly animal spirit - a symbol important to her - representing metamorphosis of life! The actor portraying Jesus actually jokes with the man backstage by saying "You deny me?" when offering the man shaking his head "No" for a pen to write down some last minute notes on his speech!

The big moment! She is called upon from center stage by the man! The audience holds their breath as she glides across the stage finding him down on one knee, and then explodes into applause and a standing ovation when she says YES!!!!

It was a night straight out of a Fairytale!

But that is really it all was... A Fairytale ...

Today, October 2nd, 2016 was the day that nervous man was supposed to marry that beautiful princess. The day that Lamar & Shannon were to become Mr. & Mrs. Wilson. My wedding day....

In retrospect I suppose Jesus' denial joke to me backstage should have been an omen as my bride-to-be betrayed me albeit three times last October. Once by her infidelities, again by her excommunication of me from my life and home - my Garden of Eden, and thirdly by lying a final time to authorities condemning me to arrest and incarnation if I were ever to return to North Carolina. My own personal Judas... And my own metaphorical Crucifixion ending my life as I then knew it...

"Life goes on..." Or so they say. And mine has limped along nursing a still badly broken heart. My angels have been very quiet lately. My nightmares and insomnia have been monstrous noisemakers though. Dreams of the only son I would have once had - the boy parked at my side in his grandparents' living room as I nervously asked for their blessings to wed their daughter - dreams of this young man asking why I couldn't at least see him at Christmas. Dreams of the only daughter I could have ever known and her last soul searing scornful words to me that pierced my heart. Waking at 3AM and listening to the silence alone in the dark. 

I am indeed very sad today. And maybe that is why my Angels stifle themselves so. Because it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to remember the Fairytale. The Fairytale is full of love and warm memories that remain as the postcards in the scrapbook of my mind. The happiest of times to smile about and cherish. Maybe that is the lesson today as I reflect. Because when those memories come to life as I close my eyes and remember, it can push the darkness of my anger, pain, and resentment aside to allow for me to focus on the positive things instead of the negative ones from the past. And from there to find the goodness and happiness of the here and now where I find myself today...

Day 304 - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

Life hasn't gotten any easier since my last post, but it has taken a turn towards the ridiculous. And I mean that in a positive way.

As an actor I have played every role from DC Comics' Batman to Mary Shelly's Creature created by Dr. Frankenstein; I've rhythmically race baited as only David Mamet could pen upon a page, and fallen from Presidential Grace as Richard Nixon when dissected by David Frost with surgical precision. But I've never ventured far from home when stepping upon the stage for every performance.

Today I find myself 1400+ miles away from where I landed in January after my life was aborted and the woman I loved abandonded me in Charlotte, NC leaving me homeless almost a year ago. (You can read my initial posts from 2015 to get the history) This week I find myself on the road in Virginia on tour with a small band of brothers performing a Vaudvillian style western show where I play a sort of Bud Abbott Town Marshall accompanied by a Lou Costello Deputy who have to deal with a couple of bad guys deadset on shooting the Marshall as they pass through town.

I'm pushing 50 and have never been on the road as an actor. The irony in this is that I would have never considered this over the last 15 years. There were always those whom I needed to provide for at home - either financially or as a proverbial punching bag for either of the past mates I tied myself to because of my extremely poor past judgement in women. And now after losing damn near everything I find myself the perfect specimen as a "touring actor." Still homeless and broke for all intensive purposes I find a small amount of stability at last becoming somewhat self sufficient for the first time in a year.

And it is Good!

On the flip side I find myself missing my best friend. She who scooped me & my Frances (the cat) up out off the street, managed to stop my drastic 50 pound  poverty & starvation weight loss streak by feeding me daily. And loving me daily. Making me feel wanted again daily. Giving me back joy and laughter daily. Finding my inner child at long last again and giving him back the world as a playground, while having the love and patience to pick him up again and again when he falls down. I love her dearly and miss the kisses she restocks into the dimple on my chin every so often as to "keep my chin up" so they don't fall out! I miss my Frances who, I am told, has been roaming the halls crying and searching for her Daddy! I miss them terribly....

That is the Bad...

The Ugly started on I-40 as we drove by an interchange to I-77 --> Charlotte, NC... 

All at once the pain from my past life overwhelmed me and tears erupted as I looked through the trees rushing by my window. Memories of a family camping trip and white water rafting stabbed at my heart. Sleep was soon invaded by nightmares of a love lost clawing her way back into my peaceful dreams, ransacking every corner of unconsciousness. Like Poe's Raven, casting it's shadow upon my chamber door. An unwelcomed reminder of all I once had... Nevermore...

However, upon opening my eyes and waking from the bad dreams I find myself on the road realizing I no longer need what I once had. It would be an obstacle blocking the stage door that opens up to the sight of smiling children who greet me before and after every performance. And in those smiles I am reminded of why I love what I do and do what I love - why I act. Because it is only there that I am reminded that pain is fleeting, and the joy both given and taken on the stage overcomes a lifetime of sadness, if even for a moment. Followed thereafter by  homecoming kisses filling up an empty chin dimple, and purring yowls of joy twisting through my ankles. ☺️