Day 356 - There Goes the Groom...

Picture this if you will:

A top secret plan to propose to the woman you love on stage in front of a sold out audience of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Theatre where you and your betrothed met for the first time. A plan so well conceived that you create a custom designed engagement & wedding ring, calculate the precise time you can actually have her two children and your brother all together in attendance - the three most important people in your life other than the woman you will propose to, blessings from both of her parents with her son at your side smiling and excited to hear his grandparents' approval, and the coordination with the Artistic Director of the Theatre where this is all going to come to a climactic conclusion one Saturday evening in May.

The night arrives! The cast is buzzing with excitement as they hear of what is about to happen during the opening curtain speech! The nervous man flips through his proposal speech wrought with the symbolism of the dragonfly animal spirit - a symbol important to her - representing metamorphosis of life! The actor portraying Jesus actually jokes with the man backstage by saying "You deny me?" when offering the man shaking his head "No" for a pen to write down some last minute notes on his speech!

The big moment! She is called upon from center stage by the man! The audience holds their breath as she glides across the stage finding him down on one knee, and then explodes into applause and a standing ovation when she says YES!!!!

It was a night straight out of a Fairytale!

But that is really it all was... A Fairytale ...

Today, October 2nd, 2016 was the day that nervous man was supposed to marry that beautiful princess. The day that Lamar & Shannon were to become Mr. & Mrs. Wilson. My wedding day....

In retrospect I suppose Jesus' denial joke to me backstage should have been an omen as my bride-to-be betrayed me albeit three times last October. Once by her infidelities, again by her excommunication of me from my life and home - my Garden of Eden, and thirdly by lying a final time to authorities condemning me to arrest and incarnation if I were ever to return to North Carolina. My own personal Judas... And my own metaphorical Crucifixion ending my life as I then knew it...

"Life goes on..." Or so they say. And mine has limped along nursing a still badly broken heart. My angels have been very quiet lately. My nightmares and insomnia have been monstrous noisemakers though. Dreams of the only son I would have once had - the boy parked at my side in his grandparents' living room as I nervously asked for their blessings to wed their daughter - dreams of this young man asking why I couldn't at least see him at Christmas. Dreams of the only daughter I could have ever known and her last soul searing scornful words to me that pierced my heart. Waking at 3AM and listening to the silence alone in the dark. 

I am indeed very sad today. And maybe that is why my Angels stifle themselves so. Because it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to remember the Fairytale. The Fairytale is full of love and warm memories that remain as the postcards in the scrapbook of my mind. The happiest of times to smile about and cherish. Maybe that is the lesson today as I reflect. Because when those memories come to life as I close my eyes and remember, it can push the darkness of my anger, pain, and resentment aside to allow for me to focus on the positive things instead of the negative ones from the past. And from there to find the goodness and happiness of the here and now where I find myself today...

Day 38 - Happy Anniversary, my Darling...

I write this blog with my own tears flooding from my eyes. And in complete disbelief I say this to the one I love more than any other soul I've encountered in life - For some idiotic reason I am still in love with you, and the void I feel from your loss gets deeper each day. 

I write this to YOU, as I have no other means of communicating with you - You have forbidden any communication lest I be hauled off and incarcerated... (Hence my own disbelief in writing this...) I know you'll see this. And I am forever now trapped in the "Why? Wherefore? What?!?" of it all. 

3 years ago today I found myself completely under your spell. And from what you have told me about our first kiss, you fell under mine. I have never loved another human being as I loved (and still love) you! I remember the anticipation of going out with you a second time! I remember how frightened I was the night we first made love... You were (and still are) the most beautiful woman I have ever set my eyes upon! I remember the countless nights we stayed up until well past dawn just talking to each other, without ever searching to find something to say. I remember you telling me very explicitly that if I wanted to be with you I had to accept the "whole package" of you, your daughter, and your son. And I remember wanting that with you more than anything in the world!!!

I held you up when you were weak. You kept me going when I thought all was lost. You always made it a point to find something positive amongst the chaos and seemingly never ending cycle of turbulence that blasted a hole in the lives we were working to build with each other. 

We BOTH made mistakes. I am not going to point fingers at either of us. We BOTH know where the mistakes were made. We BOTH know the truth and the fiction (I know far more than I ever let on), and that lies between us, and only us. 

I have always been honest with you, and will continue to if I am ever granted the opportunity to communicate with you again. My anger and wreckage were wrong. I regret all of it. You successfully forced my hand to face my greatest fault head on, and work to overcome it. And I still am. 

But my emotions did not manifest themselves without provocation. For every reaction there is a causing action. I know what you did, and were doing for a considerable amount of time. And I did not want to believe it. The final lie broke something great in me to which I snapped. My reaction was wrong, and believe me when I say that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I have no excuse. But your actions that followed had no place nor justification. 

I have never fallen so far, so fast, so deep, and so hard, than into the bottom you threw me into. I still look back in complete disbelief that THE only human I trusted more than any other on this planet could be behind all of it. I know now that you had influence, but even so, you cannot fathom the darkness of the pit you cast me into. You held me like one who would hold a spider, or some other loathsome insect, over the Pit of Hell, worthy of nothing else but to be cast into the Fire. I felt like a disobedient dog dumped under a highway overpass and abandoned. 

You claim that you did what you did because you felt "helping the one I hold dear in the only way possibly left, I'm doing the best thing I can do for everyone involved. It may not be easy for anyone, but it's the only way that open-minded empathy can continue to survive. Help, Assist, Care, Support ... Not Shun"

To be brutally honest with you, you have now risen to the ranks of BOTH a liar AND now a hypocrite. Your actions damn near killed me - and not just from my overly inebriated self disparaging state of mind by my own hand... On three separate incidents after my regrettable actions on 10/10/15 I found myself facing my own mortality from others wanting to take my life from me. Of which, the most prominent still leaving me shaken, when someone had a loaded gun; a 9mm muzzle pressed against the side of my head... That happens ONCE and one tends to find out pretty Goddamned quick what kind of person one is. Your "Help, Assist, Care, Support" - DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO YOUR SHUNNING OF ME (despite your self serving written words) left me homeless and literally fighting for my life. 

Even finding my Mother's corpse almost 30 years ago at the tender age of 16 - her body lying across the backseat of a 1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88 with all doors & windows open in the vehicle, a Lionel Richie tape playing in the car - in an enclosed garage full of toxic exhaust - her body already stiff from rigor mortis - her blood settled in a giant purple blotch across every surface of her skin in contact with the back seat...

EVEN THAT TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE has taken a back seat (no pun intended) to what YOU put me through! 

"Help, Assist, Care, Support..." 

Guess what? I could do without that kind of help, assistance, care, and support!

You took EVERYTHING from me! Not just every material worldly possession I had fought to save after a 3 year battle with my ex-wife, but you took everyone I knew and loved away from me. 

YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!!! 

You took my love, my family, my friends, my pets, my "stuff," my home... 

YOU STOLE MY LIFE!!!

And NO ONE has questioned it!!!

May God Damn you for that one day. I think we both believe that Karma is a vindictive bitch. We have both seen Her come back around and justify the wrongs wreaked upon us... The Universe IS watching and listening...

And that is how I let anger, fear, aggression, and pain manifest itself in me now: I write it down. I don't smash and break things like an infant child having a tantrum anymore. It is no excuse, but that is all I had to learn from growing up and watching my Father. Again, IT IS NO EXCUSE! In a twisted way I need to thank you for forcing me into the mindset and existence I now own and employ.  Were it not for your actions evicting and excommunicating me from my former life and past self, I would not have begun this journey of self discovery. So, again, I have to say Thank You for that!

And even now, somehow, after all I have been put through - all by your hand, whether you know it or not.... A ward of the state in an asylum (and let make make it perfectly clear right here & right now that I am NOT mentally ill!), the homelessness by surgically removing me from the life I knew, the uncontrollable tears alone in the dark, the overwhelming pain ripping through my soul every minute of every day, the love inside with nowhere to go now, and the seemingly unending loneliness I find each and every day now... Even now, forgiveness flows forth and my soul still aches for you. You have been the first soul in my life where that forgiveness has landed. One word from you and I would fly back as fast as I could - as wrong as it seems - I would take you in my arms in a heartbeat- if only to hold you once more...

You will never be "dead to me" or "blacklisted" by me as such I have to the wrongdoers of me in the past - forever written off and forgotten to me, as you well know...

You are still uncontrollably loved...

I love you unconditionally... I miss you exponentially... 

Happy anniversary, my love... I am eternally sorry for how things ended, and I mourn each and every day because of it!

I am working very hard to live again. To trust again. And to love again... I don't know if my broken soul will ever heal from its damage. But I'm willing to try! I will take the lessons you taught me and make every effort! 

On my beach...

In my new life.....

Where you still live in my heart with my love......

And will forevermore!!!!!!!

I am so utterly sorry...

I love you....

I miss you.....

Happy anniversary, my Darling......