On the Wings of Dragonflies

This was originally written as an entirely too long Facebook post in the wee hours yesterday morning, and I thought it deserved a better place to live as it really is more of a Blogpost. Thanks for reading!

For the most part I have managed to choke back my first instinct to publicly speak my mind when something temporarily takes me out of my happy pirate place and reminds me that I have very deep scars that still bleed. I will read something and then start to write some passive aggressive barb about it only to stop myself sometimes after writing it all out completely to then post for the whole world to see. And then I simply resign myself to say out loud to the Universe that it really doesn’t matter now does it? And I click delete.

The ones who wronged me and did their very best to destroy my life don’t care. So why give them any power.

A family that turned their back on me in a time where I was so lost I couldn’t even feed myself, and either lived in a crack invested slum motel with prostitutes for neighbors, the front seat of my broken down car, or shared a roof with roaches & rats for roommates in the back room of ghetto hovel. That “family” that has been non-existent in my life for 2 years and have no clue of the battle I fought to survive nor seem to care. So why give them that power over me.

But seeing this...

“The Dragonfly brings dreams to reality and is the messenger of wisdom & enlightenment from other realms”

It made me angry and moved me to write this post long after I should be in bed, except for this insomnia that likes to see just how long it can make my scars bleed before I can finally sleep. But in my sometimes sleepless life that I have been working to put back together for myself for 2 years I find that The Universe has indeed been teaching me lessons that now I can understand and make sense from.

This latest “Dragonfly” test makes the perfect example. Let me explain:

My Ex-Fiancé was big into Dragonflies. She claimed that the Dragonfly was her animal spirit and it was so very special to her because it represented metamorphosis and change. She identified with that, and hung her metamorphosis and change she’d experienced on how the theory that my presence in her life had changed her permanently for the better. In fact, the Dragonfly was so important to her I made it the very heart of my proposal speech I nervously delivered to her from Center Stage in front of a sold out audience during the curtain speech I delivered in the very Theatre where we first met. I went down on one knee when I called her to the stage to place a ring I custom designed to subtly symbolize a Dragonfly on her finger and asked her to be my wife, she said yes, the audience stood up in standing ovation, and then just 5 months later she destroyed my life plunging me into a Hell to be greeted at its door by my new roommates that the Orkin man should have evicted...

So, naturally my hackles went up at first glance of what the Dragonfly means and what it has brought me. But I passed the test for this lesson taught by the Universe. Because, according to what this says about the Dragonfly it is right on the money.

The Dragonfly brought my dreams of doing what I love more than anything on this planet to a reality. I get to be what I told my mother at 7 years old I wanted to be when I grew up. An actor. I make my living now performing onstage full time in the #1 rated show in Myrtle Beach, SC where I make memories for hundreds of thousands of people a year. And that same Dragonfly has indeed brought me messages of wisdom and enlightenment from other realms. For without this 2 year journey of self enlightenment which the Dragonfly has led me down, I would not have gained the wisdom bestowed upon me which I believe the Universe and my own Spirit Guardians have been attempting to teach me most of my life. It is no coincidence that I found this Dragonfly meme on my Facebook feed today of all days. It dawned on me as I compose this that today, October 2nd, 2017 would have been our first wedding anniversary had my life not changed so drastically as it had for me.

And with that insomnia releases its hold on me at this late hour. But before I bed down finally this night I would like to say one last thing. I would like to say a thank you.

Thank you Shannon. Thank you for bringing me the Dragonfly.

Day 36 - The Ghost of a Soulmate

This morning brought me something unknown to me for three years. I felt the heartbeat and warmth of a new and different human being beside me when I opened my eyes at dawn. In the faint light I made out the blonde hair of a woman tucked tight into my arms. As my senses awakened they were greeted with an amazing floral scent and a tickling touch upon my face. 

And I suddenly thought I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. That She - my true love & soulmate from my past life - is still by my side holding me to her. And for an instant, before consciousness took hold of me, I felt such relief and love. 

It was merely a ghost in the form of another human being leaving me bereft upon another Sunday dawn. And I started to feel empty again. 

But then the hand of this beautiful woman took mine in hers, kissed it, and started telling me about a dream she had that woke her up just before daybreak. She dreamt of a blonde woman who walked through her dream. A beautiful woman that looked very sad and troubled looking down at us sleeping. She spoke of me putting her on the back of a black & white Harley Davidson and riding across a long bridge over the ocean. She spoke of mattresses lining the streets when she walked outside. All in her dream lying beside me in the dark. 

What took my breath away as she was speaking about her dream was the vivid details of the woman's appearance, the description of the motorcycle, and the countless mattresses littering the streets of her dream. She described my former fiancé perfectly. She described every detail of the motorcycle I traded in for the family car I wanted for my fiancé and her her children. And she described only what I can guess was a symbolic representation of the infidelities I learned of which ended my former life. 

And I never spoke of any of those things to her. 

Maybe it was another sign sent to me. Francis the Cat returned home to me this afternoon looking frightened. He hesitated when I opened the door for him. Was it the whisperings of The Beast sneaking through my new home like an approaching sea fog? Or was it my true soulmate calling out to me from my past life?

I watched "Good Will Hunting" again today and heard so many lines of dialogue that resonated with me unlike any other time I've watched the film. I think the one that carried the most weight for me was when Robin Williams' character (Sean) told Matt Damon (Will) what the definition of a soulmate is, and how only THAT person is able to challenge you as a human being to make you be a better man. 

I don't know which it was in my lover's dream - Demon or Angel. I do know this though, for the first time in almost three months the love I carry in me had a place to fly forth and land, if even only for a night. My tears today weren't a torrent as usual. That means I'm healing. On My Beach!

And the storm surge receded a little more today...

Day 38 - Happy Anniversary, my Darling...

I write this blog with my own tears flooding from my eyes. And in complete disbelief I say this to the one I love more than any other soul I've encountered in life - For some idiotic reason I am still in love with you, and the void I feel from your loss gets deeper each day. 

I write this to YOU, as I have no other means of communicating with you - You have forbidden any communication lest I be hauled off and incarcerated... (Hence my own disbelief in writing this...) I know you'll see this. And I am forever now trapped in the "Why? Wherefore? What?!?" of it all. 

3 years ago today I found myself completely under your spell. And from what you have told me about our first kiss, you fell under mine. I have never loved another human being as I loved (and still love) you! I remember the anticipation of going out with you a second time! I remember how frightened I was the night we first made love... You were (and still are) the most beautiful woman I have ever set my eyes upon! I remember the countless nights we stayed up until well past dawn just talking to each other, without ever searching to find something to say. I remember you telling me very explicitly that if I wanted to be with you I had to accept the "whole package" of you, your daughter, and your son. And I remember wanting that with you more than anything in the world!!!

I held you up when you were weak. You kept me going when I thought all was lost. You always made it a point to find something positive amongst the chaos and seemingly never ending cycle of turbulence that blasted a hole in the lives we were working to build with each other. 

We BOTH made mistakes. I am not going to point fingers at either of us. We BOTH know where the mistakes were made. We BOTH know the truth and the fiction (I know far more than I ever let on), and that lies between us, and only us. 

I have always been honest with you, and will continue to if I am ever granted the opportunity to communicate with you again. My anger and wreckage were wrong. I regret all of it. You successfully forced my hand to face my greatest fault head on, and work to overcome it. And I still am. 

But my emotions did not manifest themselves without provocation. For every reaction there is a causing action. I know what you did, and were doing for a considerable amount of time. And I did not want to believe it. The final lie broke something great in me to which I snapped. My reaction was wrong, and believe me when I say that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I have no excuse. But your actions that followed had no place nor justification. 

I have never fallen so far, so fast, so deep, and so hard, than into the bottom you threw me into. I still look back in complete disbelief that THE only human I trusted more than any other on this planet could be behind all of it. I know now that you had influence, but even so, you cannot fathom the darkness of the pit you cast me into. You held me like one who would hold a spider, or some other loathsome insect, over the Pit of Hell, worthy of nothing else but to be cast into the Fire. I felt like a disobedient dog dumped under a highway overpass and abandoned. 

You claim that you did what you did because you felt "helping the one I hold dear in the only way possibly left, I'm doing the best thing I can do for everyone involved. It may not be easy for anyone, but it's the only way that open-minded empathy can continue to survive. Help, Assist, Care, Support ... Not Shun"

To be brutally honest with you, you have now risen to the ranks of BOTH a liar AND now a hypocrite. Your actions damn near killed me - and not just from my overly inebriated self disparaging state of mind by my own hand... On three separate incidents after my regrettable actions on 10/10/15 I found myself facing my own mortality from others wanting to take my life from me. Of which, the most prominent still leaving me shaken, when someone had a loaded gun; a 9mm muzzle pressed against the side of my head... That happens ONCE and one tends to find out pretty Goddamned quick what kind of person one is. Your "Help, Assist, Care, Support" - DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO YOUR SHUNNING OF ME (despite your self serving written words) left me homeless and literally fighting for my life. 

Even finding my Mother's corpse almost 30 years ago at the tender age of 16 - her body lying across the backseat of a 1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88 with all doors & windows open in the vehicle, a Lionel Richie tape playing in the car - in an enclosed garage full of toxic exhaust - her body already stiff from rigor mortis - her blood settled in a giant purple blotch across every surface of her skin in contact with the back seat...

EVEN THAT TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE has taken a back seat (no pun intended) to what YOU put me through! 

"Help, Assist, Care, Support..." 

Guess what? I could do without that kind of help, assistance, care, and support!

You took EVERYTHING from me! Not just every material worldly possession I had fought to save after a 3 year battle with my ex-wife, but you took everyone I knew and loved away from me. 

YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!!! 

You took my love, my family, my friends, my pets, my "stuff," my home... 

YOU STOLE MY LIFE!!!

And NO ONE has questioned it!!!

May God Damn you for that one day. I think we both believe that Karma is a vindictive bitch. We have both seen Her come back around and justify the wrongs wreaked upon us... The Universe IS watching and listening...

And that is how I let anger, fear, aggression, and pain manifest itself in me now: I write it down. I don't smash and break things like an infant child having a tantrum anymore. It is no excuse, but that is all I had to learn from growing up and watching my Father. Again, IT IS NO EXCUSE! In a twisted way I need to thank you for forcing me into the mindset and existence I now own and employ.  Were it not for your actions evicting and excommunicating me from my former life and past self, I would not have begun this journey of self discovery. So, again, I have to say Thank You for that!

And even now, somehow, after all I have been put through - all by your hand, whether you know it or not.... A ward of the state in an asylum (and let make make it perfectly clear right here & right now that I am NOT mentally ill!), the homelessness by surgically removing me from the life I knew, the uncontrollable tears alone in the dark, the overwhelming pain ripping through my soul every minute of every day, the love inside with nowhere to go now, and the seemingly unending loneliness I find each and every day now... Even now, forgiveness flows forth and my soul still aches for you. You have been the first soul in my life where that forgiveness has landed. One word from you and I would fly back as fast as I could - as wrong as it seems - I would take you in my arms in a heartbeat- if only to hold you once more...

You will never be "dead to me" or "blacklisted" by me as such I have to the wrongdoers of me in the past - forever written off and forgotten to me, as you well know...

You are still uncontrollably loved...

I love you unconditionally... I miss you exponentially... 

Happy anniversary, my love... I am eternally sorry for how things ended, and I mourn each and every day because of it!

I am working very hard to live again. To trust again. And to love again... I don't know if my broken soul will ever heal from its damage. But I'm willing to try! I will take the lessons you taught me and make every effort! 

On my beach...

In my new life.....

Where you still live in my heart with my love......

And will forevermore!!!!!!!

I am so utterly sorry...

I love you....

I miss you.....

Happy anniversary, my Darling......