Day 93 - Suicide Solution?

"Wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker

Suicide is slow with liqueur

Take a bottle, drown your sorrows

Then it floods away tomorrows

Away tomorrows

Evil thoughts and evil doings

Cold, alone you hang in ruins

Thought that you'd escape the reaper

You can't escape the master keeper

'Cos you feel life's unreal, and you're living a lie

Such a shame, who's to blame, and you're wondering why

Then you ask from your cask, is there life after birth

What you saw can mean hell on this earth

Hell on this earth..."

Leave it to me - the consummate drama king to quote the lyrics from a man who boasted about snorting a line of ants. But then again, who am I to judge?

Before you all call the authorities, let me put your minds at ease. I don't plan on offing myself. Yes, that thought has been front and center in my brain today, but I've lived through the fallout. I won't do that to anyone else. Nor am I intending on drinking myself into a stupor. 1 or 2 bloody maries, yes... Stupor, no. Drugs, no. Besides, it is Sunday and not only are the liquor stores closed, but I couldn't even think of where I could find illegal substances in a place I've been away from for 25 years! Besides, I'm broke & homeless. 

No, I'm angry and frustrated. There is a broken record on this turntable of life for me, and I have reached "meltdown mode."

So I write. Alone. In a strange place. Sober. 

I stress SOBER because I have been accused very recently of being an alcoholic. 

I am not an alcoholic. 

My Father is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Wife is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Fiancé is an alcoholic and drug addict. 

I am neither. 

I am, however, in incomprehensible pain. 

And every day I tell myself to get through to another sunrise. And every day I do. I will cry myself to sleep tonight for the first time in a month. But I will also wake up to a new day tomorrow, just as I have for my entire life. 

I broke a Jim Beam bottle by accident a couple of days ago. It was about 3/4 full. I drank a little vodka with a Bloody Mary or two Thursday & Friday about 4 hours before I worked. Friday being an all nighter - pulling in the driveway at 8am Saturday morning. It was not the 1st time I worked all night to try and meet a monetary goal. I'm busting my ass 60+ hours a week to dig out of the hole I am in so that I can get a place of my own again!!!

The difference now is the perception of others. Others that care and worry about my well being. Of which I am grateful. Without those souls I would be completely lost. But, as I've said for many years: perception is one's reality. And my Demons tend to fuck with people's minds as much as they do my own. 

And it doesn't take much of them to bend reality towards perception. 

Whiskey bottle gone, small vodka bottle 3/4 empty, out all night Friday night walking in bleary eyed 8:00am Saturday morning, shaking, feeling ill, and sleeping 4 or 5 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Hell, if I didn't know me I'd think the same thing. 

But reality is a far different galaxy from perception. And my reality is the stuff of fiction in that galaxy - far, far away... But, unfortunately, it is true... All of it...

The long & short of reality is that I thought I wanted a drink. I was alone and blue, and like an idiot my Demons & I thought we could find some courage by talking to Mr. Jim Beam. MY reality set in and advised otherwise. And as I went to move the bottle back to the bar it slipped and broke cleanly off at the neck of the bottle, spilling its contents on the tile kitchen floor. I cleaned up the breakage, mopped the floor, put the broken shards of glass in a double bag and into the trunk of my car. After plugging tires on 2 other occasions I felt it better to dispose of jagged shards of glass in a mall dumpster down the road, instead of in the driveway trash can. 

But perception makes me an alcoholic trying to hide alcohol consumption... Or so the Demons say...

After I cleaned up my mess I sat down and cried. My self loathing surged and I sat and cried feeling sorry for myself for a number of hours.

I opened a small vodka bottle and had a couple of Bloody Mary cocktails at that point. Yes, I gave in a little. I'm fucking human! I cried, got it out of my system, gave myself a pep talk, took a shower, shaved, combed my hair, dressed, cleaned the cat box, kissed Frances, and 3 hours later was out the door trying to put my best foot forward to make some money. 

Here's the thing - I drive for a living now. 

I DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE!!!

My Father had a DUI. 

My Ex-Wife had a DUI. 

My Ex-Fiancé had THREE DUI's. 

If I want to have a Bloody Fucking Mary HOURS before I drive, know that I am an intelligent enough human being to know the difference between .08 and sober! And if that doesn't suit you - tough shit! It wouldn't be the first time the truth has been obliterated regarding me, my character, and my life!!! My character assassination has more bullet holes now than an 80's action movie!!!

All I want to do is start my life over. I don't know if you that read these posts can fathom what it is like to start over at mid-life from literally nothing. No job, no home, no money, nothing! I work over 60 hours a week - 7 days a week - praying to God that my car can make it another month without service so that I can save enough money to put a deposit down on a shit hole of an apartment. But because my Ex-Wife is a vindictive bitch she-devil from Hell, I have been forced into bankruptcy. I have no credit because of her. I couldn't finance a TV dinner because of her. That makes it very difficult to find an apartment without $500 to over $1000 in deposit plus 1st & last month rent. Now that my Ex-Fiancé has stolen everything else I had left, I do not even have a bed to lay down in after I come up with a couple grand to even find a home. And the rooms that are furnished are slums not unlike where I had previously had BOTH a gun to my head and a knife at my throat. 

I hate my life at present. I am trying to change it!

The world is a cruel and rotten place. All I have is my character. And when that comes in question I begin to feel lost. And suicidal thoughts begin whispering in my head. Self loathing reaches a climax. I cry. I hate. I rage against the world. 

Then the little voice of reason pipes up in my head and says, "Have a Coke and a smile... Tomorrow we can give it another go! Close your eyes and rest. You can fight the world again tomorrow! Let your heart and mind rest. Until tomorrow..."

And the record on the turntable keeps spinning... And the needle hasn't moved in 4 months...

I'm terrified. For the first time in my life I am genuinely scared to death. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I want to be optimistic. And I will try to move the needle on the broken record again tomorrow...

But now, tears to sleep...

Day 32 - In Remembrance...

December 2nd has been a date I wish I could erase from my mind. It has marked tumultuous anniversaries for me: the date my divorce was final from my ex-wife, only to have her drag me down for the following three years into the muddy quicksand of a bankruptcy; the date I first asked out the woman I still love beyond reason three years ago today (formerly known as my fiancé) - She who cast me out of my former life without a word; and the date where 29 years ago a son found something no child should ever lay eyes on, the corpse of his Mother - her life taken by her own hand. 

I have done something today I have never done before. I travelled to see my Mother today on this date. I write this as I sit by her graveside. I guess I'm hoping it will bring some closure to a wound that still shoots pain throughout my soul. This is the first time in 29 years I've been with my Mother on this date. I miss her still so desperately. But I know she is still with me - although she lives on a different plane of existence as I. I know all those I've loved and lost this time of year are: Boo, Uncle Bob, Grandmommy, and Mom. I know they are with me because of the signs they send. 

This morning I woke at 6:00am - approximately the time I woke up 29  years ago to the house of horror I discovered. I went to the door to go outside to smoke a cigarette and down a cup of coffee before I went off to work. And as I opened the door I was greeted very loudly by my feline friend Francis who all but jumped up into my arms after a loud barrage of "cat chatter!" I take that as a sign because I haven't seen him in over a week. I was afraid something happened to him! No, as before, he was sent to comfort me in my sadness. Sent to let me know I'm still loved and everything will be alright. Just keep walking in the light!

So instead of sequestering myself away as I usually do on 12/2 I am sitting at my Mother's gravesite sharing my thoughts with her as I write. I know she sees and hears me from the plane of her existence.  And that makes me smile on this day - I love you Mom, and I miss you!

Michele Anne Wilson

6/1/47 - 12/2/86

Day 1.... A rebirth.....

I'm taking a page out of the book of the human being I love more than life itself. I'm going to write... I'm going to gently convert my rage, hurt, sadness, and joy into words. To work it out of my head.

Today is the first day I have not cried since October 10th, 2015. And when I say cry - I mean unending rivers of tears that run deeper than any ocean, and are brought forth in a howling and primal, uncontrollable sobbing. 

The last time I cried like this was in December 1986 when my Mother died. And even then, I only wept when I didn't have to be strong for my 5 year old brother - abandoned in life by our Mother.

Her death was the hardest event in my life I have ever had to deal with. Until now... 

I am 45 years old, college educated, well spoken, attractive. I thought I'd found my soulmate back in 2012. She told me, "With me you have to accept the whole package - me, my daughter, and my son." And I welcomed it wide eyed and with open arms. And for 3 years I started building a life with the woman I love so dearly and her her two children. We moved in together. She was unemployed and I worked to support her. I paid for the roof over our head and as much as I could for her and her two children - for 2 and a half years. I sacrificed, worked, and loved my new family. Though I did not father either of them, I thought of them as my own, and would have laid my life down without a second thought for all of them. 

Stress makes people do strange things... The entire time I was working to build my new family and lay deep roots down with them the Universe kept throwing knuckleballs into my gut. And I did not react well to the undue stress. Maybe it was because I was working so hard to do all the right things to support my family. Not ever having children myself, I only had the image in my mind of "how it was supposed to be done." I did the best I could.

And I failed....

I let my emotions get the best of me, and BELIEVE ME, if I had it all to do over again I would have done things so differently! But hindsight is 20/20. 

Without going into a diatribe of events, I will just say this: I fell victim to lies and deceit from the one person I held dearest to my heart & soul. I have "trust issues" that I have spent 30 years working to overcome after my Mother's suicide. And once I knew I'd been lied to and my trust in the one I love most had been shattered, I let rage, pain, and raw animalistic emotion consume me to the point I lost control of myself in my pain and rage. And it was wrong. So utterly wrong! It set in motion a series of events that has found me writing down these thoughts hundreds of miles away from the life and family I was working so hard to make for myself. 

I was wrong. But I was never given an opportunity to right that wrong. And I will live with the regret of my emotional actions for the rest of my life. But I didn't deserve all of the fallout. 

She whom I trusted and loved more than anyone I have ever known continued to lie to those in a position of authority. Her lies allowed a Magistrate to order me into a Mental Hospital where I was held against my will for almost a week. She then submitted to the court more lies about me which evicted me from the home that I'd paid for throughout the 2 and a half year duration we'd lived there. I was abandoned and left allowed to take my clothes and my car from my home. 

Forbidden to speak to the woman I love so dearly.... And after my blood, sweat, and tears working to provide for her & her children - She left me homeless... Forbidden to ever return... And to this day no contact now - almost a month.

My life.... Stripped away from me... Everything I knew and loved stolen from me... My heart broken, and my soul shattered... Abandoned again... But this time worse than my Mother's abandonment.

This time I was truly alone...

You come face to face with your own soul when you hit rock bottom. You find out who you truly are and what kind of human being you are. I did! And I was forced to make a choice - I can live, or I can die. It was that simple. And I was the only one that could make that choice. I had been forced out alone on the street. No one at my side for guidance or insight. Just me. Barebones... Raw... Confused... Gut wrenching... And completely alone.

Live or die?

And what's more, how?

I was left for dead. Abandoned by the human being I loved more than any soul I've ever encountered. And still do! The pain is excruciating.

But somehow I am still here. I chose life instead of death. I put the only belongings I was allowed to have in my car and I drove away from everything and everyone I know & love... My life as I have known it for almost 15 years has ended. 

Rebirth happens now. I drove into a sunset on a beach. My beach. 

I looked up from the depths of the Hell I was tossed aside into - where I commiserated with people only read about in fatalistic news reports - when not in my car, I slept in places so filthy that the roaches were terrified - looked down the barrel of a gun pointed at me - stared at the edge of a blade ready to gut me like a fish.... I became as real and as primitive a human being as I have ever been. That level of primitive and basic human instinct  lowered the barrel of the gun pointed at me, folded the blade up and pocketed the knife poised to slice me open, swept the dirt and filth off of the floors I would sleep on. And after almost a month of a literal living Hell - I have found a new home! I have made it through to the other side! I lived!!! And it has made me a far stronger human being!!!

And I am reborn!