I'm taking a page out of the book of the human being I love more than life itself. I'm going to write... I'm going to gently convert my rage, hurt, sadness, and joy into words. To work it out of my head.
Today is the first day I have not cried since October 10th, 2015. And when I say cry - I mean unending rivers of tears that run deeper than any ocean, and are brought forth in a howling and primal, uncontrollable sobbing.
The last time I cried like this was in December 1986 when my Mother died. And even then, I only wept when I didn't have to be strong for my 5 year old brother - abandoned in life by our Mother.
Her death was the hardest event in my life I have ever had to deal with. Until now...
I am 45 years old, college educated, well spoken, attractive. I thought I'd found my soulmate back in 2012. She told me, "With me you have to accept the whole package - me, my daughter, and my son." And I welcomed it wide eyed and with open arms. And for 3 years I started building a life with the woman I love so dearly and her her two children. We moved in together. She was unemployed and I worked to support her. I paid for the roof over our head and as much as I could for her and her two children - for 2 and a half years. I sacrificed, worked, and loved my new family. Though I did not father either of them, I thought of them as my own, and would have laid my life down without a second thought for all of them.
Stress makes people do strange things... The entire time I was working to build my new family and lay deep roots down with them the Universe kept throwing knuckleballs into my gut. And I did not react well to the undue stress. Maybe it was because I was working so hard to do all the right things to support my family. Not ever having children myself, I only had the image in my mind of "how it was supposed to be done." I did the best I could.
And I failed....
I let my emotions get the best of me, and BELIEVE ME, if I had it all to do over again I would have done things so differently! But hindsight is 20/20.
Without going into a diatribe of events, I will just say this: I fell victim to lies and deceit from the one person I held dearest to my heart & soul. I have "trust issues" that I have spent 30 years working to overcome after my Mother's suicide. And once I knew I'd been lied to and my trust in the one I love most had been shattered, I let rage, pain, and raw animalistic emotion consume me to the point I lost control of myself in my pain and rage. And it was wrong. So utterly wrong! It set in motion a series of events that has found me writing down these thoughts hundreds of miles away from the life and family I was working so hard to make for myself.
I was wrong. But I was never given an opportunity to right that wrong. And I will live with the regret of my emotional actions for the rest of my life. But I didn't deserve all of the fallout.
She whom I trusted and loved more than anyone I have ever known continued to lie to those in a position of authority. Her lies allowed a Magistrate to order me into a Mental Hospital where I was held against my will for almost a week. She then submitted to the court more lies about me which evicted me from the home that I'd paid for throughout the 2 and a half year duration we'd lived there. I was abandoned and left allowed to take my clothes and my car from my home.
Forbidden to speak to the woman I love so dearly.... And after my blood, sweat, and tears working to provide for her & her children - She left me homeless... Forbidden to ever return... And to this day no contact now - almost a month.
My life.... Stripped away from me... Everything I knew and loved stolen from me... My heart broken, and my soul shattered... Abandoned again... But this time worse than my Mother's abandonment.
This time I was truly alone...
You come face to face with your own soul when you hit rock bottom. You find out who you truly are and what kind of human being you are. I did! And I was forced to make a choice - I can live, or I can die. It was that simple. And I was the only one that could make that choice. I had been forced out alone on the street. No one at my side for guidance or insight. Just me. Barebones... Raw... Confused... Gut wrenching... And completely alone.
Live or die?
And what's more, how?
I was left for dead. Abandoned by the human being I loved more than any soul I've ever encountered. And still do! The pain is excruciating.
But somehow I am still here. I chose life instead of death. I put the only belongings I was allowed to have in my car and I drove away from everything and everyone I know & love... My life as I have known it for almost 15 years has ended.
Rebirth happens now. I drove into a sunset on a beach. My beach.
I looked up from the depths of the Hell I was tossed aside into - where I commiserated with people only read about in fatalistic news reports - when not in my car, I slept in places so filthy that the roaches were terrified - looked down the barrel of a gun pointed at me - stared at the edge of a blade ready to gut me like a fish.... I became as real and as primitive a human being as I have ever been. That level of primitive and basic human instinct lowered the barrel of the gun pointed at me, folded the blade up and pocketed the knife poised to slice me open, swept the dirt and filth off of the floors I would sleep on. And after almost a month of a literal living Hell - I have found a new home! I have made it through to the other side! I lived!!! And it has made me a far stronger human being!!!
And I am reborn!
