Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

Day 253 - 9 months to term... Stillborn......

Day turns into night... Night divides the day... For weeks at a time... And the darkness falls again... With the eternalness of a death spiral meeting me upon each sunrise....

All that remains is the pain. Sleep has given up its loving embrace to quiet my mind. Food is a luxury item donated by the kind hearts of others. Family is nonexistent. If it were not for the love of friends I'd have aborted my "rebirth" months ago... Long before the 3rd trimester of hopelessness found me shrunken and so broken... Dwindling down roughly fifty pounds from where I was in October....

The car is dead...

I am again homeless...

I am jobless...

I am penniless...

I am hungry...

I am sleepless...

I am so tired...

Joy is fleeting...

And if it were not for the love and kindness of a dear friend I would have nothing at all...

Dark thoughts cloud my mind as I lie sleepless in my nightmare....

I still tell myself that the sun will indeed rise each day, and with it is born a new opportunity for another chance at life...

But lately the day sneers at the rising sun with the breath of Hell, and another chance at life lies stillborn...

I need my Angels...

Come fly to me and pick me up!

11:11

Day 131 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part 1

Each day I read the memes like the one posted here above. I used to post each one on my Facebook page as I read them. Now I will only post one or two per day as it pertains to how I feel on any particular day. It may seem silly, and others have told me "Enough! Good grief!" But I find these daily reminders quite inspirational. They give me affirmation of the positive thoughts I try to keep circulating through my heart, mind, and soul. And believe it or not they bring on the positive energy they are written about. They speak of lessons needed to be learned to free one's soul. 

Last week I sat at the airport much as I do each day waiting for arriving passengers needing a ride. I received a Facebook friend request from what appeared to be a former high school classmate. There were very few mutual friends listed, no photo of the person, and a rather generic message stating, "Hi I am so excited to find you!  How are you? I've sent a friend request I hope you dont mind..." The profile picture was a meme with the following poem by Jean Kyler McMamus entitled The Miracle Of Friendship:

There is a miracle called Friendship

that dwells within the heart

and you don't know how it happens

or when it even starts.

But the happiness it brings you

always gives a special lift

and you realize that Friendship

is God's most precious gift.

In today's day and age cyber hacking and identity theft are rampant. And because of no other photo and the generic message sent to me I considered the request spam and deleted it. 

Last Saturday I was sitting in the same terminal and in the same parking space waiting on a dispatch to pick up another passenger at the airport. I received another message and friend request from the same individual. Only this time the message said, "I have not talked to you since your senior yr in HS. You played the elephant man in the school play. That was an awesome role and you were amazing. Personally your friendship meant a lot to me." At that point I knew that this was indeed someone genuine and not a hacker trying to hijack my Facebook account. 

We chatted throughout the morning through the messaging app and at some point she'd stated that she'd like to see me again if I'm out her direction. I racked my brain to try and put a face with her name. I kept coming up blank. But I felt like there was a reason this person has been put in my path. I am constantly working to listen to what the Universe is telling me, and I was feeling an unexplainable urge that afternoon to see why exactly this woman was made to reconnect with me. And as the Universe would have it, I found myself drawing ever closer to her location upon each fare I picked up & dropped off that afternoon. I felt my Guiding Spirits were speaking to me, and I at last surrendered to their message and drove across the lake to find out who this individual was and why she has been put in my path. I knew there had to be a reason! So, upon crossing the lake just as I had thousands of times in my youth, I found myself back in my hometown. And I sent her a message saying that I'd found my way nearby and would she like to join me for lunch. My phone rang immediately and I headed to her apartment following a quick conversation with her. I still could not remember her face, but I felt a presence giving assurance that I needed to meet her. 

I made it to her address, quickly straightened myself up and walked to her door. The door opened. And then it all came flooding back to me when I saw her. Little Suzy. The little girl from the past severely hobbled by a crippling disease and many painful surgeries. The little girl from school who loved giving and receiving hugs from all of my former classmates. The little girl, who had looked up from her crutches in High School, her big brown eyes full of tears, reaching up to me after one of my final performances as John Merrick, The Elephant Man, grabbing hold of me to tell me how much I had touched her with my character. There she was again. All grown up. Her hair longer with a few grey hairs, but the same little girl. I hugged her close and then helped her into the car to go find a place to eat and talk. 

Throughout our conversation it was made clear to me exactly why she had been placed in my path. Her story of loss, suffering, pain, and loneliness erupted in tears over the table, and I found myself recalling the memes I so often read and reciting them back to her to say that she is not alone, and that something great lies ahead for her. At the same time I was reminded myself of the very same thing, though my loss and pain could not even compare to what she had been made to suffer through. As it turns out she had been writing her life's story and there is great interest from a publisher. I told her that her story can inspire millions of people. That maybe her book is why she has had a difficult life, and that her story could bring about hope in people that have lost it. I felt myself touched by the telling a of her past, and it stirred something within me. Soon I saw her big brown eyes grow brighter, her tears faded away, and before I knew it the inner child in me had her doubled over in laughter. She touched my inner being. The one lost for so long. And like a jack-n-the-box I found myself wound up and popping out with excitement. The real me. And we both said goodbye to each other with new rejuvenation of life. She promised me she would keep writing. That she would finish her book she'd stopped because of the past pain it all brought back. And she is writing. And I have promised to go see her every week to get her out of the house a bit for some time with an old friend. And maybe a few bear hugs!

Day 123 - Brick & Mortar: The Foundation of Victory

I woke up this morning for the first time in a month with heat, and was able to take a hot shower. There are so many things we take for granted... Until they are stripped away from us. So, this morning I celebrate a victory! I am at last no longer homeless. I have secured lodging made of brick & mortar. And I finally have a physical address I can use where I will now call home for the foreseeable future!

I spoke with an old friend last week who had also fallen on hard times, not unlike myself. In our conversation I tried to convey to him positive thoughts and hope. It turns out positive energy found its mark for both of us: I found a home and he made his first commission on a new job! After we spoke and congratulated each other on our personal victories he wrote the following:

"Things I learned today:

The word "perspective" is from the Latin word "perspicere" meaning to see through. In other words, with the proper perspective you can see through all the bullshit that life has the audacity to send your way. 

Proper perspective leads to a proper outlook on life. This leads to seeing those yearly, monthly, weekly and daily victories. And by all means, when those victories come (I promise they will) never forget to spike the ball, do your end zone dance and celebrate."

When we spoke after he posted that he stated, "See, I was paying attention today when we spoke!"

And that really sums it up for me. No matter how awful things seem to be, someone somewhere is in an equally dismal situation. From the darkness of a rat infested and filthy hovel I held onto faith that life will get better and to not give up! And when he explained his state of depression and hopelessness I told him to give it one more day. That tomorrow brings new opportunities for us all. And to trust that a Higher Power has something better for us. Have faith. 

The next day brought victories for both of us; a new home for me, and a healthy commission for him. Victories that gave us both a revitalized strength to carry on, and a rejuvenated faith that the Universe IS listening.

And the light we walk in grows brighter, and I am dancing my happy dance in the end zone while my friend is spiking the ball over his own goal line!

Day 110 - Hope Springs Eternal... Many Happy Returns!

Tomorrow I will find myself walking this planet for 46 years, and I have found this birthday week filled with with a multitude of gifts. Not the kind one finds wrapped with eye catching, colorful paper - but gifts to be grateful for and celebrated. Gifts sent in the forms of signs from the Universe that I am finally in the right place to begin the rest of my life. Gifts of friendships, love, work, family, and signs of guidance and light. 

My soul continues to hum & vibrate like a tuning fork that is resonating with the world around me. The signs are everywhere every day and I find my psyche aligning with what the Universe is saying to me more with each passing day. 

Monday the Universe guided me into an up close and personal view of complete loss and devastation. 3 times. I was led through the neighborhoods of Rowlett, Texas where an F4 tornado leveled homes in a scene that I can only describe as what looked like a war zone. 3 times. And each of those times I was sent a message of hope amongst the devastation that laid before me. A young man suffering with a brain trauma, and two women in the final weeks of pregnancy. I was given examples of life and joy that were emerging out of desolation. 

The young man: suffering from a lifelong brain injury, and now homeless from the loss of his home, as well as the overwhelming pain in his head. Yet, he did not complain. He was grateful for the medical attention he was receiving and the temporary home made for him where we drove. He chatted happily the entire way like a chirping bird in a new dawn's light. 

The 2 women: 2 different rides given to them - One at the end of her 9th month of pregnancy with her 3rd child - a girl. And one midway through her 9th month with her 1st child - a boy. Both coming out of different sides of the neighborhood of destruction, and both glowing and joyous for the new life they are about to bring forth. 

Gifts to me from the Universe with a loud and clear message that Hope Springs Eternal. And each one leading me back through my past into Rockwall where I grew up. 

It was a day of fond memories for me. A trip down memory lane where I found joy in recalling childhood events I'd long forgotten. A torrent of happy memories poured out with every home I drove past in my old neighborhood. What's more, 3 different childhood friends reached out to me through Facebook Messenger just after I drove past their old homes where they grew up. More gifts given to me from the Universe. The best of which was hearing from Melissa, my oldest childhood friend, just minutes after I stood looking at her old home and laughing to myself about our past antics & adventures together that suddenly revisited my mind. We had lunch today, by the way. And she is still the same pretty little girl with the million dollar smile I grew up with but haven't seen in 30 years. Another gift!

Yesterday I picked up an old college class mate at DFW Airport. My Uber alert told me I had a passenger named Kathy (from NJ) requesting a ride. By chance I randomly got assigned the fare in the airport queue. Then, a 45 minute drive talking about our collective college friends. More joy and fond memories bubbling up into my brain! Again, a gift...

I've booked 2 acting jobs this week and will work a 3rd on Saturday with another college chum. More gifts!!!

2 random fares this week, both in the entertainment industry, and both who requesting my résumé. Additionally, both separately spouting off names of friends we had in common. Gifts - all!!!

And so, as I close my eyes for the final night of my 45th year, I celebrate my 1st half of life. I give thanks to all it has bestowed upon me - both its pain and its joy. Because it has made me into the man I am now. Taught me that which I need to wake up in the morning to begin my 46th year with joy, and cherish each day that follows for the next half of my life!

Day 93 - Suicide Solution?

"Wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker

Suicide is slow with liqueur

Take a bottle, drown your sorrows

Then it floods away tomorrows

Away tomorrows

Evil thoughts and evil doings

Cold, alone you hang in ruins

Thought that you'd escape the reaper

You can't escape the master keeper

'Cos you feel life's unreal, and you're living a lie

Such a shame, who's to blame, and you're wondering why

Then you ask from your cask, is there life after birth

What you saw can mean hell on this earth

Hell on this earth..."

Leave it to me - the consummate drama king to quote the lyrics from a man who boasted about snorting a line of ants. But then again, who am I to judge?

Before you all call the authorities, let me put your minds at ease. I don't plan on offing myself. Yes, that thought has been front and center in my brain today, but I've lived through the fallout. I won't do that to anyone else. Nor am I intending on drinking myself into a stupor. 1 or 2 bloody maries, yes... Stupor, no. Drugs, no. Besides, it is Sunday and not only are the liquor stores closed, but I couldn't even think of where I could find illegal substances in a place I've been away from for 25 years! Besides, I'm broke & homeless. 

No, I'm angry and frustrated. There is a broken record on this turntable of life for me, and I have reached "meltdown mode."

So I write. Alone. In a strange place. Sober. 

I stress SOBER because I have been accused very recently of being an alcoholic. 

I am not an alcoholic. 

My Father is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Wife is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Fiancé is an alcoholic and drug addict. 

I am neither. 

I am, however, in incomprehensible pain. 

And every day I tell myself to get through to another sunrise. And every day I do. I will cry myself to sleep tonight for the first time in a month. But I will also wake up to a new day tomorrow, just as I have for my entire life. 

I broke a Jim Beam bottle by accident a couple of days ago. It was about 3/4 full. I drank a little vodka with a Bloody Mary or two Thursday & Friday about 4 hours before I worked. Friday being an all nighter - pulling in the driveway at 8am Saturday morning. It was not the 1st time I worked all night to try and meet a monetary goal. I'm busting my ass 60+ hours a week to dig out of the hole I am in so that I can get a place of my own again!!!

The difference now is the perception of others. Others that care and worry about my well being. Of which I am grateful. Without those souls I would be completely lost. But, as I've said for many years: perception is one's reality. And my Demons tend to fuck with people's minds as much as they do my own. 

And it doesn't take much of them to bend reality towards perception. 

Whiskey bottle gone, small vodka bottle 3/4 empty, out all night Friday night walking in bleary eyed 8:00am Saturday morning, shaking, feeling ill, and sleeping 4 or 5 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Hell, if I didn't know me I'd think the same thing. 

But reality is a far different galaxy from perception. And my reality is the stuff of fiction in that galaxy - far, far away... But, unfortunately, it is true... All of it...

The long & short of reality is that I thought I wanted a drink. I was alone and blue, and like an idiot my Demons & I thought we could find some courage by talking to Mr. Jim Beam. MY reality set in and advised otherwise. And as I went to move the bottle back to the bar it slipped and broke cleanly off at the neck of the bottle, spilling its contents on the tile kitchen floor. I cleaned up the breakage, mopped the floor, put the broken shards of glass in a double bag and into the trunk of my car. After plugging tires on 2 other occasions I felt it better to dispose of jagged shards of glass in a mall dumpster down the road, instead of in the driveway trash can. 

But perception makes me an alcoholic trying to hide alcohol consumption... Or so the Demons say...

After I cleaned up my mess I sat down and cried. My self loathing surged and I sat and cried feeling sorry for myself for a number of hours.

I opened a small vodka bottle and had a couple of Bloody Mary cocktails at that point. Yes, I gave in a little. I'm fucking human! I cried, got it out of my system, gave myself a pep talk, took a shower, shaved, combed my hair, dressed, cleaned the cat box, kissed Frances, and 3 hours later was out the door trying to put my best foot forward to make some money. 

Here's the thing - I drive for a living now. 

I DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE!!!

My Father had a DUI. 

My Ex-Wife had a DUI. 

My Ex-Fiancé had THREE DUI's. 

If I want to have a Bloody Fucking Mary HOURS before I drive, know that I am an intelligent enough human being to know the difference between .08 and sober! And if that doesn't suit you - tough shit! It wouldn't be the first time the truth has been obliterated regarding me, my character, and my life!!! My character assassination has more bullet holes now than an 80's action movie!!!

All I want to do is start my life over. I don't know if you that read these posts can fathom what it is like to start over at mid-life from literally nothing. No job, no home, no money, nothing! I work over 60 hours a week - 7 days a week - praying to God that my car can make it another month without service so that I can save enough money to put a deposit down on a shit hole of an apartment. But because my Ex-Wife is a vindictive bitch she-devil from Hell, I have been forced into bankruptcy. I have no credit because of her. I couldn't finance a TV dinner because of her. That makes it very difficult to find an apartment without $500 to over $1000 in deposit plus 1st & last month rent. Now that my Ex-Fiancé has stolen everything else I had left, I do not even have a bed to lay down in after I come up with a couple grand to even find a home. And the rooms that are furnished are slums not unlike where I had previously had BOTH a gun to my head and a knife at my throat. 

I hate my life at present. I am trying to change it!

The world is a cruel and rotten place. All I have is my character. And when that comes in question I begin to feel lost. And suicidal thoughts begin whispering in my head. Self loathing reaches a climax. I cry. I hate. I rage against the world. 

Then the little voice of reason pipes up in my head and says, "Have a Coke and a smile... Tomorrow we can give it another go! Close your eyes and rest. You can fight the world again tomorrow! Let your heart and mind rest. Until tomorrow..."

And the record on the turntable keeps spinning... And the needle hasn't moved in 4 months...

I'm terrified. For the first time in my life I am genuinely scared to death. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I want to be optimistic. And I will try to move the needle on the broken record again tomorrow...

But now, tears to sleep...

Day 26 - The True Meaning of Thankful!

I just wrapped a 24 hour shift so that I can reach some personal financial goals for next week. I even got a phone number from a pretty woman tonight for the first time in 3 years! The full moon shined down on me yesterday, and last night for a change, instead of turning me into a wild, howling animal it brought forward light, hope, and love of humanity! 😊

So, before I bed down for a well deserved nap today, I wanted to express my Thanks to The Universe...

I am thankful for a roof over my head! 

I am thankful for the food in my belly, small amount as it is (but I need a flat belly if I'm gonna wander the shores of My Beach)! 

I am thankful for the gas in my tank! 

I am thankful for the hundreds of souls beaming with positive light of whom I have met over the last month - restoring some of the faith I had in humanity! 

I am thankful for witnessing a breathtaking sunrise just before I call it a night. 

And I am thankful for those I hold closest and dearest to my heart - the ones who watch over me from this world, and the next!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! After you read this turn to the person closest to you and pull them tight to you, and tell them why & how you are thankful that he/she is in your life and suddenly wrapped in your arms!!!

L