Day 56 - Christmas, A Self Deprecating Walk Through Self Destruction Into Joy

I have to get this out of my head to release the anger and pain taking harbor in me on My Beach at Christmas... But also share some joy instilled upon me...

Oh joy.... Here he goes again... Off on an online tirade feeling sorry for himself! Jesus H Christ on a raft!!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST MOVE ON!!!! IT'S OVER!!!! GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! "SCRAPE YOUR SHOE AND JUST MOVE ON" as my Father's bride so eloquently stated after I was released from a mental institution where I was placed against my will, and then served with papers forbidding me from ever returning to MY HOME!!!! (Well, what more can you expect from a human that takes pride in being a founding member of a girl's club called "The Bottom Feeders?")

I had my Christmas meltdown on the morning of Christmas Eve, I thank God for my Aunt & Uncle making time for me to settle me down and talk me off a ledge! During which time they were attempting to get things together for a Christmas dinner with their daughter, her husband, their young children, and my cousin's in-laws. 

So I again thank them publicly for slapping me in the face with a proverbial "SNAP OUT OF IT!" of which I desperately needed and deserved! A grits, egg & bacon breakfast my aunt prepared - just like my Grandmommy used to, and a smoked mullet lunch my uncle treated me to - just like my granddaddy used to provide. Some comfort food!

My aunt knew a meltdown was coming from me, but I don't think she expected the intensity of my storm. But she & my uncle propped me up and reduced my emotional catharsis to just sporadic tears that would gently roll down my face over the course of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

I worked as much as I possibly could over the past two days just to divert my self loathing, and keep me from seeking out self destruction to quell the pain. My best friend called to comfort me, and on my Facebook page I was sent the following from a childhood friend:

"Just wanted to send out a Merry Christmas shout out. On a day where many folks can feel like they are alone in the midst of others togetherness ... this little post is a moment of connectedness out in the ether for you."

The combination of words from friends past & present along with family comfort eased my pain. And I want to again express my gratitude for the love and thoughts sent my way on a Holiday meant to be shared with friends and family. Thank you! It kept me together more than you could ever know! Add to that a couple of giving gestures - gift cards, an ornament, and a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" from my aunt & uncle, and a Star Wars XMAS card & ornament encapsulating gift cards, and home brew & fine cigar from my cousin & her husband all brought some Christmas cheer to my soul. 

But what brought the biggest smile to my face were my cousin's two children who both took it upon themselves to make me a human jungle gym which called forth my inner child, if only for a few minutes, to come out and play with them! It was Christmas for goodness sakes!!! I should come out and play!!!

And I did!