Day 56 - Christmas, A Self Deprecating Walk Through Self Destruction Into Joy

I have to get this out of my head to release the anger and pain taking harbor in me on My Beach at Christmas... But also share some joy instilled upon me...

Oh joy.... Here he goes again... Off on an online tirade feeling sorry for himself! Jesus H Christ on a raft!!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST MOVE ON!!!! IT'S OVER!!!! GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! "SCRAPE YOUR SHOE AND JUST MOVE ON" as my Father's bride so eloquently stated after I was released from a mental institution where I was placed against my will, and then served with papers forbidding me from ever returning to MY HOME!!!! (Well, what more can you expect from a human that takes pride in being a founding member of a girl's club called "The Bottom Feeders?")

I had my Christmas meltdown on the morning of Christmas Eve, I thank God for my Aunt & Uncle making time for me to settle me down and talk me off a ledge! During which time they were attempting to get things together for a Christmas dinner with their daughter, her husband, their young children, and my cousin's in-laws. 

So I again thank them publicly for slapping me in the face with a proverbial "SNAP OUT OF IT!" of which I desperately needed and deserved! A grits, egg & bacon breakfast my aunt prepared - just like my Grandmommy used to, and a smoked mullet lunch my uncle treated me to - just like my granddaddy used to provide. Some comfort food!

My aunt knew a meltdown was coming from me, but I don't think she expected the intensity of my storm. But she & my uncle propped me up and reduced my emotional catharsis to just sporadic tears that would gently roll down my face over the course of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

I worked as much as I possibly could over the past two days just to divert my self loathing, and keep me from seeking out self destruction to quell the pain. My best friend called to comfort me, and on my Facebook page I was sent the following from a childhood friend:

"Just wanted to send out a Merry Christmas shout out. On a day where many folks can feel like they are alone in the midst of others togetherness ... this little post is a moment of connectedness out in the ether for you."

The combination of words from friends past & present along with family comfort eased my pain. And I want to again express my gratitude for the love and thoughts sent my way on a Holiday meant to be shared with friends and family. Thank you! It kept me together more than you could ever know! Add to that a couple of giving gestures - gift cards, an ornament, and a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" from my aunt & uncle, and a Star Wars XMAS card & ornament encapsulating gift cards, and home brew & fine cigar from my cousin & her husband all brought some Christmas cheer to my soul. 

But what brought the biggest smile to my face were my cousin's two children who both took it upon themselves to make me a human jungle gym which called forth my inner child, if only for a few minutes, to come out and play with them! It was Christmas for goodness sakes!!! I should come out and play!!!

And I did!

Day 53 - Blue Christmas.....

Cliche right? The Elvis Presley version of that stupid song just rattles around in my head... I feel like I need to get a rhinestone cape and some gold sunglasses!

I've had old friends from times past reaching out with love to prop me up. And I feel it, and I am grateful. But the sadness of my loss keeps creeping in....

Every day I do my best to let go and push through. But this week has been extraordinarily rough. I think it started when I picked up a couple from a Christmas party Sunday night and was witness to a "make-out" session in my back seat. Two lovers enjoying the Holiday Season together. Since that night I cannot help but see couples walking hand in hand along My Beach. Sharing their love together and enjoying a sunset. 

It hurts. The pain of my love, family, and life lost has swelled into an excruciating ache that I cannot seem to tamper down this Holiday Season. I find myself wondering what She is doing, and what the kids are up to, how the family Christmas will be at her parents' house... It is driving me into a mad and self destructive state. Work doesn't seem to bury my heartbreak this week. My eyes fill with tears driving down the road. I cried myself to sleep last night.... God, I just want to hold them all again!

I hate Christmas! I wish it would hurry up and be over so I don't have to listen to anyone else tell me that they "don't want to see anyone spend Christmas alone - that's just sad!"

No shit!

This hurt will too pass. Time will lessen its sting. Christmas will end as quickly as it came, and I'll go on healing on My Beach. 

But the storm surge came back... With red tide this Christmas...

Day 31 - Thanksgiving Leftovers of Precocious Pretentiousness

Usually the full moon makes people lose their minds. Last Wednesday people didn't. I pulled a 24 hour shift for some of the kindest, respectful people I've encountered in my new life. Generosity was abound as well. A good moon smiling down... 

And then it waned...

Thursday, a day of giving thanks brought out the side of humanity I left in my past life: selfish, self serving, pretentious, and precocious... Everyone!

It wasn't until today that people started to seem human again. Thursday I bought a $10 bottle of wine to give my Thanksgiving Day hosts. It cost 1/6th of what I had to make it through an entire week. But I'm not upset about that. I've managed through another week keeping fuel in the tank and food in my belly. What twists me is that I spent what small amount of my hard earned money for something I wasn't even given the common courtesy of a "Thank You" for.  Twice I offered up my small token of appreciation for the dinner invite, and twice I was snubbed without even much as a nod of acknowledgement! And it went downhill from there... 

Pretentious talk of how much money people had, how many millions of dollars their homes are worth, the boats they have bought for themselves, the new European automobiles shining in the driveway... People talking out their ass about things they claim to know about, and when I corrected them about an industry I spent over 15 years of my life working in I was made to shut up and mind my own business.... I don't have a wallet big enough to have an opinion worth listening to. I was looked down upon by those of affluence because I quit my corporate job and started a new life. 

The whole weekend sounded like a broken record - my customers treating me as if I was some kind of man-servant of theirs... Barking orders at me, laughing at me behind my back, bitching to each other about their miserable corporate lives and how much money they make... It was sickening!

I think that is one of the reasons I hate this time of year - not only does it bring me sadness because of the loves and lives lost to me during the holidays, but just because of the greedy and materialistic nature it has morphed into. 

I've already decided I'm going to work on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. I have neither the funds nor the family any longer for the Holiday to bring me anything other than sadness and heartache. I'll just spread my cheer in other ways: helping those that need a lift, need a meal, or just need a friend to listen. 

And that is what this time of year should mean to we humans: a time of giving. Not take, take, take.... No precocious pretentiousness. 

My uncle told me after I was hospitalized twice for what I thought was a combination of heart attack & stroke (turns out it was WAY too much stress) that I was 45 - half way to 90. My life is half over. And to start living the other half of it! And fill it with what makes me happy, not miserable. Life is too short! And that is what I've done! I've started living again - on MY terms!

And to all of those too affluent to appreciate and accept my new life and my newfound happiness - a life without much funding, but rich beyond measure without stress - I'll keep a good thought for you as I walk down my beach at sunset!