Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

Day 123 - Brick & Mortar: The Foundation of Victory

I woke up this morning for the first time in a month with heat, and was able to take a hot shower. There are so many things we take for granted... Until they are stripped away from us. So, this morning I celebrate a victory! I am at last no longer homeless. I have secured lodging made of brick & mortar. And I finally have a physical address I can use where I will now call home for the foreseeable future!

I spoke with an old friend last week who had also fallen on hard times, not unlike myself. In our conversation I tried to convey to him positive thoughts and hope. It turns out positive energy found its mark for both of us: I found a home and he made his first commission on a new job! After we spoke and congratulated each other on our personal victories he wrote the following:

"Things I learned today:

The word "perspective" is from the Latin word "perspicere" meaning to see through. In other words, with the proper perspective you can see through all the bullshit that life has the audacity to send your way. 

Proper perspective leads to a proper outlook on life. This leads to seeing those yearly, monthly, weekly and daily victories. And by all means, when those victories come (I promise they will) never forget to spike the ball, do your end zone dance and celebrate."

When we spoke after he posted that he stated, "See, I was paying attention today when we spoke!"

And that really sums it up for me. No matter how awful things seem to be, someone somewhere is in an equally dismal situation. From the darkness of a rat infested and filthy hovel I held onto faith that life will get better and to not give up! And when he explained his state of depression and hopelessness I told him to give it one more day. That tomorrow brings new opportunities for us all. And to trust that a Higher Power has something better for us. Have faith. 

The next day brought victories for both of us; a new home for me, and a healthy commission for him. Victories that gave us both a revitalized strength to carry on, and a rejuvenated faith that the Universe IS listening.

And the light we walk in grows brighter, and I am dancing my happy dance in the end zone while my friend is spiking the ball over his own goal line!

Day 110 - Hope Springs Eternal... Many Happy Returns!

Tomorrow I will find myself walking this planet for 46 years, and I have found this birthday week filled with with a multitude of gifts. Not the kind one finds wrapped with eye catching, colorful paper - but gifts to be grateful for and celebrated. Gifts sent in the forms of signs from the Universe that I am finally in the right place to begin the rest of my life. Gifts of friendships, love, work, family, and signs of guidance and light. 

My soul continues to hum & vibrate like a tuning fork that is resonating with the world around me. The signs are everywhere every day and I find my psyche aligning with what the Universe is saying to me more with each passing day. 

Monday the Universe guided me into an up close and personal view of complete loss and devastation. 3 times. I was led through the neighborhoods of Rowlett, Texas where an F4 tornado leveled homes in a scene that I can only describe as what looked like a war zone. 3 times. And each of those times I was sent a message of hope amongst the devastation that laid before me. A young man suffering with a brain trauma, and two women in the final weeks of pregnancy. I was given examples of life and joy that were emerging out of desolation. 

The young man: suffering from a lifelong brain injury, and now homeless from the loss of his home, as well as the overwhelming pain in his head. Yet, he did not complain. He was grateful for the medical attention he was receiving and the temporary home made for him where we drove. He chatted happily the entire way like a chirping bird in a new dawn's light. 

The 2 women: 2 different rides given to them - One at the end of her 9th month of pregnancy with her 3rd child - a girl. And one midway through her 9th month with her 1st child - a boy. Both coming out of different sides of the neighborhood of destruction, and both glowing and joyous for the new life they are about to bring forth. 

Gifts to me from the Universe with a loud and clear message that Hope Springs Eternal. And each one leading me back through my past into Rockwall where I grew up. 

It was a day of fond memories for me. A trip down memory lane where I found joy in recalling childhood events I'd long forgotten. A torrent of happy memories poured out with every home I drove past in my old neighborhood. What's more, 3 different childhood friends reached out to me through Facebook Messenger just after I drove past their old homes where they grew up. More gifts given to me from the Universe. The best of which was hearing from Melissa, my oldest childhood friend, just minutes after I stood looking at her old home and laughing to myself about our past antics & adventures together that suddenly revisited my mind. We had lunch today, by the way. And she is still the same pretty little girl with the million dollar smile I grew up with but haven't seen in 30 years. Another gift!

Yesterday I picked up an old college class mate at DFW Airport. My Uber alert told me I had a passenger named Kathy (from NJ) requesting a ride. By chance I randomly got assigned the fare in the airport queue. Then, a 45 minute drive talking about our collective college friends. More joy and fond memories bubbling up into my brain! Again, a gift...

I've booked 2 acting jobs this week and will work a 3rd on Saturday with another college chum. More gifts!!!

2 random fares this week, both in the entertainment industry, and both who requesting my résumé. Additionally, both separately spouting off names of friends we had in common. Gifts - all!!!

And so, as I close my eyes for the final night of my 45th year, I celebrate my 1st half of life. I give thanks to all it has bestowed upon me - both its pain and its joy. Because it has made me into the man I am now. Taught me that which I need to wake up in the morning to begin my 46th year with joy, and cherish each day that follows for the next half of my life!

Day 56 - Christmas, A Self Deprecating Walk Through Self Destruction Into Joy

I have to get this out of my head to release the anger and pain taking harbor in me on My Beach at Christmas... But also share some joy instilled upon me...

Oh joy.... Here he goes again... Off on an online tirade feeling sorry for himself! Jesus H Christ on a raft!!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST MOVE ON!!!! IT'S OVER!!!! GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! "SCRAPE YOUR SHOE AND JUST MOVE ON" as my Father's bride so eloquently stated after I was released from a mental institution where I was placed against my will, and then served with papers forbidding me from ever returning to MY HOME!!!! (Well, what more can you expect from a human that takes pride in being a founding member of a girl's club called "The Bottom Feeders?")

I had my Christmas meltdown on the morning of Christmas Eve, I thank God for my Aunt & Uncle making time for me to settle me down and talk me off a ledge! During which time they were attempting to get things together for a Christmas dinner with their daughter, her husband, their young children, and my cousin's in-laws. 

So I again thank them publicly for slapping me in the face with a proverbial "SNAP OUT OF IT!" of which I desperately needed and deserved! A grits, egg & bacon breakfast my aunt prepared - just like my Grandmommy used to, and a smoked mullet lunch my uncle treated me to - just like my granddaddy used to provide. Some comfort food!

My aunt knew a meltdown was coming from me, but I don't think she expected the intensity of my storm. But she & my uncle propped me up and reduced my emotional catharsis to just sporadic tears that would gently roll down my face over the course of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

I worked as much as I possibly could over the past two days just to divert my self loathing, and keep me from seeking out self destruction to quell the pain. My best friend called to comfort me, and on my Facebook page I was sent the following from a childhood friend:

"Just wanted to send out a Merry Christmas shout out. On a day where many folks can feel like they are alone in the midst of others togetherness ... this little post is a moment of connectedness out in the ether for you."

The combination of words from friends past & present along with family comfort eased my pain. And I want to again express my gratitude for the love and thoughts sent my way on a Holiday meant to be shared with friends and family. Thank you! It kept me together more than you could ever know! Add to that a couple of giving gestures - gift cards, an ornament, and a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" from my aunt & uncle, and a Star Wars XMAS card & ornament encapsulating gift cards, and home brew & fine cigar from my cousin & her husband all brought some Christmas cheer to my soul. 

But what brought the biggest smile to my face were my cousin's two children who both took it upon themselves to make me a human jungle gym which called forth my inner child, if only for a few minutes, to come out and play with them! It was Christmas for goodness sakes!!! I should come out and play!!!

And I did!