Mystic Pizza...

I find myself writing this morning just to try to once again work some things out of my head. I last wrote of unconditional love given by my mistress that I call the Theatre. How She is both a blessing and a curse that I is an actor find every time I walk either in or out of her loving embrace (in and out of the stage door). The love that I feel from her when I perform, and the loneliness that descends when the lights go out, the audience goes home, and I am left alone with my own thoughts.

Many, many years ago I was given a tarot card reading which I really didn't think much of at the time. During the reading one card was turned over which carried the most significance of the reading according to the mystic "telling my fortune." That card was "The Hermit." The mystic giving my reading took pause upon seeing the face of that card. I looked at him and asked what was wrong judging from the expression on his face. His look was not of concern, but more puzzled surprise. He told me that there was nothing necessarily wrong, however this card signified that my life looked to be like one man walking a very long road. When I questioned the mystic about his statement and asked him to elaborate further on what he meant, he said that it didn't mean I would end up a grizzled old man living alone out in a cabin in the woods. "The Hermit" card merely means that the road I follow will be one walked alone. Now seeing as my girlfriend at that time was present during the reading you can imagine my surprise at hearing this. I have always thought of myself as a bit of a gregarious individual and a very social animal. And given the fact that the love of my life at that time was next to me I was rather expecting to hear about the shared life, a dog, two kids, and a house with a white picket fence. Right? Upon pressing him further the mystic took my hand and pointed to a line in my palm. He pointed out the lifeline. How long it was and how it crossed with other lines. Some shorter, some longer, and some slightly parallel until veering off altogether. But that long line representing my life was a long single line. And to think of it as my journey on the long road of life which crosses many paths. Some briefly, some longer, some with you for a while, and some that go their own way. But that main path is yours and yours alone to walk. And to embrace the walk as a sole traveler.

That tarot reading was about 30 years ago. And For whatever reason I still remember it. "The Hermit." And it wasn't until recently that the thought crossed my mind again.

One of our fellow cast members in this fantastic production that I have been blessed to perform in finished his final show the other night as he is going on to another production out West after 3 years as a Pirate here in Myrtle Beach. He, his talent, and his leadership will be sorely missed here by all, and members of the cast celebrated with him in a final farewell gathering after the last show that evening. I only heard of it from the only other individual left in the dressing room in passing as I was leaving for the night. Being a new member of the cast and not being here as long as the others working with our departing cast mate, and especially not knowing of the celebration I didn't feel right to show up uninvited. There is a long history of years with most everyone else in the cast. But when I saw a "final" Cast Photo on social media taken immediately after a show that night with the entire cast in wardrobe I noticed a member of the cast was missing in the photo. A member of the cast that knew nothing of the photo until I saw it two days later on Instagram & Facebook.


It hurt.

And "The Hermit" tarot reading started swimming around in my head once again. And between that and going home alone to my rented room to enjoy a frozen pizza and "Game of Thrones" 1500 miles away from my family of friends each night after I leave the Theatre, the shadows of rejection and self doubt from my former life creep ever so slowly back into my head and make me wonder what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Maybe I'm an unknowing asshole. Or maybe there was indeed something in those cards.

At any rate, I find myself wishing for the kindred spirits of friends for company.

Or possibly 3 Dragons...

Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

Day 253 - 9 months to term... Stillborn......

Day turns into night... Night divides the day... For weeks at a time... And the darkness falls again... With the eternalness of a death spiral meeting me upon each sunrise....

All that remains is the pain. Sleep has given up its loving embrace to quiet my mind. Food is a luxury item donated by the kind hearts of others. Family is nonexistent. If it were not for the love of friends I'd have aborted my "rebirth" months ago... Long before the 3rd trimester of hopelessness found me shrunken and so broken... Dwindling down roughly fifty pounds from where I was in October....

The car is dead...

I am again homeless...

I am jobless...

I am penniless...

I am hungry...

I am sleepless...

I am so tired...

Joy is fleeting...

And if it were not for the love and kindness of a dear friend I would have nothing at all...

Dark thoughts cloud my mind as I lie sleepless in my nightmare....

I still tell myself that the sun will indeed rise each day, and with it is born a new opportunity for another chance at life...

But lately the day sneers at the rising sun with the breath of Hell, and another chance at life lies stillborn...

I need my Angels...

Come fly to me and pick me up!

11:11

Day 68 - On the Road Again

I'll be brief. 

My friends from days past have called out. 

I have listened!

I hope to see you all very soon! And I welcome your love, hugs, and friendship!!!

The beach lays East...

I travel West....

With my trusted sidekick, Frances the Cat!!!

Happy New Year!!!!! Sweet 16!!!!!

Day 56 - Christmas, A Self Deprecating Walk Through Self Destruction Into Joy

I have to get this out of my head to release the anger and pain taking harbor in me on My Beach at Christmas... But also share some joy instilled upon me...

Oh joy.... Here he goes again... Off on an online tirade feeling sorry for himself! Jesus H Christ on a raft!!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST MOVE ON!!!! IT'S OVER!!!! GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! "SCRAPE YOUR SHOE AND JUST MOVE ON" as my Father's bride so eloquently stated after I was released from a mental institution where I was placed against my will, and then served with papers forbidding me from ever returning to MY HOME!!!! (Well, what more can you expect from a human that takes pride in being a founding member of a girl's club called "The Bottom Feeders?")

I had my Christmas meltdown on the morning of Christmas Eve, I thank God for my Aunt & Uncle making time for me to settle me down and talk me off a ledge! During which time they were attempting to get things together for a Christmas dinner with their daughter, her husband, their young children, and my cousin's in-laws. 

So I again thank them publicly for slapping me in the face with a proverbial "SNAP OUT OF IT!" of which I desperately needed and deserved! A grits, egg & bacon breakfast my aunt prepared - just like my Grandmommy used to, and a smoked mullet lunch my uncle treated me to - just like my granddaddy used to provide. Some comfort food!

My aunt knew a meltdown was coming from me, but I don't think she expected the intensity of my storm. But she & my uncle propped me up and reduced my emotional catharsis to just sporadic tears that would gently roll down my face over the course of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

I worked as much as I possibly could over the past two days just to divert my self loathing, and keep me from seeking out self destruction to quell the pain. My best friend called to comfort me, and on my Facebook page I was sent the following from a childhood friend:

"Just wanted to send out a Merry Christmas shout out. On a day where many folks can feel like they are alone in the midst of others togetherness ... this little post is a moment of connectedness out in the ether for you."

The combination of words from friends past & present along with family comfort eased my pain. And I want to again express my gratitude for the love and thoughts sent my way on a Holiday meant to be shared with friends and family. Thank you! It kept me together more than you could ever know! Add to that a couple of giving gestures - gift cards, an ornament, and a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" from my aunt & uncle, and a Star Wars XMAS card & ornament encapsulating gift cards, and home brew & fine cigar from my cousin & her husband all brought some Christmas cheer to my soul. 

But what brought the biggest smile to my face were my cousin's two children who both took it upon themselves to make me a human jungle gym which called forth my inner child, if only for a few minutes, to come out and play with them! It was Christmas for goodness sakes!!! I should come out and play!!!

And I did!

Day 51 - Cyber-Hugs

I re-entered the Facebook social media realm on Thursday when "Star Wars - Episode VII The Force Awakens" finally premiered. I told someone today I returned to Facebook because I am so lonely. (Wanting to share a picture of my buddy Darth giving me the old "Force Choke" in front of the concessions counter probably played a small factor as well...)

But mostly, because I am a little lonely. Well, VERY lonely, if I am to be honest. 

The last two and a half months have been extremely hard for me to work through. And now with Christmas landing on Friday with a thud and my past life's family stripped away from me and gone without a trace, I feel the weight of my sadness and loneliness to be a little heavier than usual. 

So, back to Facebook I turned.... Reconnecting with the people who were most worried about me when I was at my breaking point a couple of months ago. 

Immediately, an outpouring of love flowed forth from my high school & college friends whom I have carried in my heart for decades. "I am sending you a hug right now," wrote one of my sweet friends. 

And it dawned on me, despite being alone, I now know I am not alone. Even with the two humans that know where I am and talk to me on a regular basis constantly telling me that I am not alone - it is just now becoming clear to me that I am indeed not alone. And I feel the "Cyber-Hugs" sent to me from afar to raise my spirits. 

So, to all of you - my sweetest, kindest, and dearest friends from times gone by - I thank you! I feel less lonely, and my heart warmed up from your love!

And the storm surge recedes even more with each warm wish and "Cyber-Hug!"