On the Wings of Dragonflies

This was originally written as an entirely too long Facebook post in the wee hours yesterday morning, and I thought it deserved a better place to live as it really is more of a Blogpost. Thanks for reading!

For the most part I have managed to choke back my first instinct to publicly speak my mind when something temporarily takes me out of my happy pirate place and reminds me that I have very deep scars that still bleed. I will read something and then start to write some passive aggressive barb about it only to stop myself sometimes after writing it all out completely to then post for the whole world to see. And then I simply resign myself to say out loud to the Universe that it really doesn’t matter now does it? And I click delete.

The ones who wronged me and did their very best to destroy my life don’t care. So why give them any power.

A family that turned their back on me in a time where I was so lost I couldn’t even feed myself, and either lived in a crack invested slum motel with prostitutes for neighbors, the front seat of my broken down car, or shared a roof with roaches & rats for roommates in the back room of ghetto hovel. That “family” that has been non-existent in my life for 2 years and have no clue of the battle I fought to survive nor seem to care. So why give them that power over me.

But seeing this...

“The Dragonfly brings dreams to reality and is the messenger of wisdom & enlightenment from other realms”

It made me angry and moved me to write this post long after I should be in bed, except for this insomnia that likes to see just how long it can make my scars bleed before I can finally sleep. But in my sometimes sleepless life that I have been working to put back together for myself for 2 years I find that The Universe has indeed been teaching me lessons that now I can understand and make sense from.

This latest “Dragonfly” test makes the perfect example. Let me explain:

My Ex-Fiancé was big into Dragonflies. She claimed that the Dragonfly was her animal spirit and it was so very special to her because it represented metamorphosis and change. She identified with that, and hung her metamorphosis and change she’d experienced on how the theory that my presence in her life had changed her permanently for the better. In fact, the Dragonfly was so important to her I made it the very heart of my proposal speech I nervously delivered to her from Center Stage in front of a sold out audience during the curtain speech I delivered in the very Theatre where we first met. I went down on one knee when I called her to the stage to place a ring I custom designed to subtly symbolize a Dragonfly on her finger and asked her to be my wife, she said yes, the audience stood up in standing ovation, and then just 5 months later she destroyed my life plunging me into a Hell to be greeted at its door by my new roommates that the Orkin man should have evicted...

So, naturally my hackles went up at first glance of what the Dragonfly means and what it has brought me. But I passed the test for this lesson taught by the Universe. Because, according to what this says about the Dragonfly it is right on the money.

The Dragonfly brought my dreams of doing what I love more than anything on this planet to a reality. I get to be what I told my mother at 7 years old I wanted to be when I grew up. An actor. I make my living now performing onstage full time in the #1 rated show in Myrtle Beach, SC where I make memories for hundreds of thousands of people a year. And that same Dragonfly has indeed brought me messages of wisdom and enlightenment from other realms. For without this 2 year journey of self enlightenment which the Dragonfly has led me down, I would not have gained the wisdom bestowed upon me which I believe the Universe and my own Spirit Guardians have been attempting to teach me most of my life. It is no coincidence that I found this Dragonfly meme on my Facebook feed today of all days. It dawned on me as I compose this that today, October 2nd, 2017 would have been our first wedding anniversary had my life not changed so drastically as it had for me.

And with that insomnia releases its hold on me at this late hour. But before I bed down finally this night I would like to say one last thing. I would like to say a thank you.

Thank you Shannon. Thank you for bringing me the Dragonfly.

The Irony of It All

"Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you."

I find such great irony in both this quote and this picture, both created by the mind of the same real life individual.

Upon reading this quote a very broken part of me painfully thought of another real life individual hearing this quote in her voice. Of course, the words she never actually uttered to me. But quoted words gave voice to her life destroying actions against me. The result rendering me homeless and destitute without ever being given a single opportunity to defend myself. And then the image... Looking through my shattered prism I can see that same woman depicted as Evil personified... Laughing at me and raising a glass to toast the life and love she destroyed by driving a spear through its heart. There still is a very damaged part of my soul that continues to bleed, and will instinctually see such quotes and images materializing into something resembling that woman. At least I can admit that and know that it is coming from broken place inside me.

The irony lies in the fact that my life which had completely lost all its hope and meaning to me just suddenly launched without warning and is traveling at supersonic speed. And from behind the wheel of this rocket ship there is that first individual I explained at the top of this post. The man who actually said, "Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you." and actually designed the image I posted here. And I'm gonna be on the ride of my life!

In 16 days I will take to the stage of the largest production I have ever been a part of and begin the rehearsal process. After which I will take the helm as the lead role on center stage and perform in front of the largest audiences I've ever seen in my life! The maniac behind the wheel is laughing wildly as he accelerates, and Dear God he is raising a glass to toast me! "To you! I give you Quarters as you seize mine!" he bellows! And I'm trying not to have a heart attack from the thrill filling my bones right now! And I'm grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat as this ride increases speed!!!

The irony of it all...

Day 36 - The Ghost of a Soulmate

This morning brought me something unknown to me for three years. I felt the heartbeat and warmth of a new and different human being beside me when I opened my eyes at dawn. In the faint light I made out the blonde hair of a woman tucked tight into my arms. As my senses awakened they were greeted with an amazing floral scent and a tickling touch upon my face. 

And I suddenly thought I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. That She - my true love & soulmate from my past life - is still by my side holding me to her. And for an instant, before consciousness took hold of me, I felt such relief and love. 

It was merely a ghost in the form of another human being leaving me bereft upon another Sunday dawn. And I started to feel empty again. 

But then the hand of this beautiful woman took mine in hers, kissed it, and started telling me about a dream she had that woke her up just before daybreak. She dreamt of a blonde woman who walked through her dream. A beautiful woman that looked very sad and troubled looking down at us sleeping. She spoke of me putting her on the back of a black & white Harley Davidson and riding across a long bridge over the ocean. She spoke of mattresses lining the streets when she walked outside. All in her dream lying beside me in the dark. 

What took my breath away as she was speaking about her dream was the vivid details of the woman's appearance, the description of the motorcycle, and the countless mattresses littering the streets of her dream. She described my former fiancé perfectly. She described every detail of the motorcycle I traded in for the family car I wanted for my fiancé and her her children. And she described only what I can guess was a symbolic representation of the infidelities I learned of which ended my former life. 

And I never spoke of any of those things to her. 

Maybe it was another sign sent to me. Francis the Cat returned home to me this afternoon looking frightened. He hesitated when I opened the door for him. Was it the whisperings of The Beast sneaking through my new home like an approaching sea fog? Or was it my true soulmate calling out to me from my past life?

I watched "Good Will Hunting" again today and heard so many lines of dialogue that resonated with me unlike any other time I've watched the film. I think the one that carried the most weight for me was when Robin Williams' character (Sean) told Matt Damon (Will) what the definition of a soulmate is, and how only THAT person is able to challenge you as a human being to make you be a better man. 

I don't know which it was in my lover's dream - Demon or Angel. I do know this though, for the first time in almost three months the love I carry in me had a place to fly forth and land, if even only for a night. My tears today weren't a torrent as usual. That means I'm healing. On My Beach!

And the storm surge receded a little more today...