Mystic Pizza...

I find myself writing this morning just to try to once again work some things out of my head. I last wrote of unconditional love given by my mistress that I call the Theatre. How She is both a blessing and a curse that I is an actor find every time I walk either in or out of her loving embrace (in and out of the stage door). The love that I feel from her when I perform, and the loneliness that descends when the lights go out, the audience goes home, and I am left alone with my own thoughts.

Many, many years ago I was given a tarot card reading which I really didn't think much of at the time. During the reading one card was turned over which carried the most significance of the reading according to the mystic "telling my fortune." That card was "The Hermit." The mystic giving my reading took pause upon seeing the face of that card. I looked at him and asked what was wrong judging from the expression on his face. His look was not of concern, but more puzzled surprise. He told me that there was nothing necessarily wrong, however this card signified that my life looked to be like one man walking a very long road. When I questioned the mystic about his statement and asked him to elaborate further on what he meant, he said that it didn't mean I would end up a grizzled old man living alone out in a cabin in the woods. "The Hermit" card merely means that the road I follow will be one walked alone. Now seeing as my girlfriend at that time was present during the reading you can imagine my surprise at hearing this. I have always thought of myself as a bit of a gregarious individual and a very social animal. And given the fact that the love of my life at that time was next to me I was rather expecting to hear about the shared life, a dog, two kids, and a house with a white picket fence. Right? Upon pressing him further the mystic took my hand and pointed to a line in my palm. He pointed out the lifeline. How long it was and how it crossed with other lines. Some shorter, some longer, and some slightly parallel until veering off altogether. But that long line representing my life was a long single line. And to think of it as my journey on the long road of life which crosses many paths. Some briefly, some longer, some with you for a while, and some that go their own way. But that main path is yours and yours alone to walk. And to embrace the walk as a sole traveler.

That tarot reading was about 30 years ago. And For whatever reason I still remember it. "The Hermit." And it wasn't until recently that the thought crossed my mind again.

One of our fellow cast members in this fantastic production that I have been blessed to perform in finished his final show the other night as he is going on to another production out West after 3 years as a Pirate here in Myrtle Beach. He, his talent, and his leadership will be sorely missed here by all, and members of the cast celebrated with him in a final farewell gathering after the last show that evening. I only heard of it from the only other individual left in the dressing room in passing as I was leaving for the night. Being a new member of the cast and not being here as long as the others working with our departing cast mate, and especially not knowing of the celebration I didn't feel right to show up uninvited. There is a long history of years with most everyone else in the cast. But when I saw a "final" Cast Photo on social media taken immediately after a show that night with the entire cast in wardrobe I noticed a member of the cast was missing in the photo. A member of the cast that knew nothing of the photo until I saw it two days later on Instagram & Facebook.


It hurt.

And "The Hermit" tarot reading started swimming around in my head once again. And between that and going home alone to my rented room to enjoy a frozen pizza and "Game of Thrones" 1500 miles away from my family of friends each night after I leave the Theatre, the shadows of rejection and self doubt from my former life creep ever so slowly back into my head and make me wonder what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Maybe I'm an unknowing asshole. Or maybe there was indeed something in those cards.

At any rate, I find myself wishing for the kindred spirits of friends for company.

Or possibly 3 Dragons...

In & Out of the Arms of My Mistress...

Ten weeks ago I set sail for the greatest adventure I've ever plotted a course to navigate. The storms I've weathered in life abruptly ceased, the skies opened up, and blessings radiated down upon me carried upon beams of sunlight.  My emancipated form literally arrived on a wing and a prayer with a couple of suitcases filled with most all of my worldly possessions of clothes, laptop, iPhone & iPad to a beach offering a gift to restore my life and fulfil my dreams. The most beautiful soul I know and love bought the plane ticket for me, and filled my empty pockets with a few hundred dollars for food and living expenses, and arranged a week of lodging in a cozy motel on the beach. The rest was up to me.

Fast forward to the present day. Memorial Day Weekend. I write this post slurping on hot java from the deck of my current abode overlooking the scenic glory of one of the many popular golf courses in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yet another Blessing from on High that literally fell into my lap in the form of a fully furnished 3 bedroom/3bathroom townhouse that I share with another gentleman and his canine companion, Charlie. A perfect arrangement where I can contribute to the cost of my lodging in a "pay as you go" way that coincides with my bi-weekly pay periods.  My closely cropped salt & pepper scalp and grizzled grey bearded scruff no longer exist, but have evolved into a considerably longer mane erupting from the entire surface area of my skull like a Chia Pet, and are now jet black courtesy of the "Just For Men" aisle at the local Walmart. And I've managed put the famous "Freshman Fifteen" back onto my sturdy haunches through three square meals a day.  Yours truly, the Pirate King Blackbeard, seems to be sailing through calm seas with a steady breeze in a sturdy vessel!

And I am! For the first time in almost two years I have finally found my independence at long last where I can proudly provide for myself again!  For the first time in almost two years I have regained my footing without having my legs swept out from underneath me knocking me back down to the ground with a hopeless thud! And for the first time in many years I have found happiness again! True happiness that rushes to embrace me with her loving arms every time I walk through the "Castmember Entrance" of the Theatre that is currently Pirates Voyage!

However, happiness comes with price.  And as of late I find myself having to pay the cost of that price.

It is no great mystery that in order to achieve the things in life that we truly desire one must sacrifice other things. And so it is with me as I sail along my current heading in this fantastic adventure. I also think it is a lesson The Universe demands that I understand completely. 

Those who have known me the longest understand why I call the Theatre "My Mistress." No matter what misfortune has transpired in my life She has always been there for me with open arms and unconditional love.  And I love Her more than anything in life. She gave Herself to me at age 5 and never left. I would wander off, sometimes for years on end. But Her love has never faltered and She has never turned me away when I would return to Her.  Every time Her love growing exponentially. But like every mythological tale of true love, there is a tragic side to the story. And in this instance it is at Her doorstep. You see, She continues to love me like no other, and I Her.  But only in the sanctity of Her domain. Once I leave Her sanctuary and walk out the "Castmember Entrance" to return to the mortal world I reside in She is unable to follow me home, break bread with me, enjoy a moonlit conversation, or even wrap herself around me and drift off to sleep.  That is the price for her unconditional love and happiness.

And it is currently there at that place where I ponder this most recent lesson of The Universe. In every other instance throughout my life I would seek companionship upon leaving the arms of my Mistress. In years past I would latch on to any warm body feigning love and lose my identity completely, only to get crushed and go running back to my Mistress with a broken heart. Lately it is the warmth of my oldest, dearest, and most loved friends that I find myself missing the most and wishing were with me to enjoy this ride. I've made a few new Pirate friends, but other than a certain Calico Co-Star that has heard a Readers Digest version of my life events over the last two years and shares enough theatrical background and life experience to become a trusted friend, everyone else thinks I'm a certified lunatic.  And that's okay. They're very young and don't know what I've been through to get to where I am now in my life, and that because I spend all of my time outside the "Castmember Entrance" alone I turn into a 47 year old child at recess on the playground.  And so today, a dreaded day off without my Mistress, I quietly contemplate this newest lesson The Universe is working to teach me: that it is okay to be truly happy and be by myself at the same time.

And just as I typed this I glanced at the clock... 11:11... And that was The Universe saying that I'm catching on at last! I may currently be sitting by myself and out of the arms of my Mistress that will shower me with love again tomorrow when I walk through Her doors, but I am never truly alone!