In & Out of the Arms of My Mistress...

Ten weeks ago I set sail for the greatest adventure I've ever plotted a course to navigate. The storms I've weathered in life abruptly ceased, the skies opened up, and blessings radiated down upon me carried upon beams of sunlight.  My emancipated form literally arrived on a wing and a prayer with a couple of suitcases filled with most all of my worldly possessions of clothes, laptop, iPhone & iPad to a beach offering a gift to restore my life and fulfil my dreams. The most beautiful soul I know and love bought the plane ticket for me, and filled my empty pockets with a few hundred dollars for food and living expenses, and arranged a week of lodging in a cozy motel on the beach. The rest was up to me.

Fast forward to the present day. Memorial Day Weekend. I write this post slurping on hot java from the deck of my current abode overlooking the scenic glory of one of the many popular golf courses in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yet another Blessing from on High that literally fell into my lap in the form of a fully furnished 3 bedroom/3bathroom townhouse that I share with another gentleman and his canine companion, Charlie. A perfect arrangement where I can contribute to the cost of my lodging in a "pay as you go" way that coincides with my bi-weekly pay periods.  My closely cropped salt & pepper scalp and grizzled grey bearded scruff no longer exist, but have evolved into a considerably longer mane erupting from the entire surface area of my skull like a Chia Pet, and are now jet black courtesy of the "Just For Men" aisle at the local Walmart. And I've managed put the famous "Freshman Fifteen" back onto my sturdy haunches through three square meals a day.  Yours truly, the Pirate King Blackbeard, seems to be sailing through calm seas with a steady breeze in a sturdy vessel!

And I am! For the first time in almost two years I have finally found my independence at long last where I can proudly provide for myself again!  For the first time in almost two years I have regained my footing without having my legs swept out from underneath me knocking me back down to the ground with a hopeless thud! And for the first time in many years I have found happiness again! True happiness that rushes to embrace me with her loving arms every time I walk through the "Castmember Entrance" of the Theatre that is currently Pirates Voyage!

However, happiness comes with price.  And as of late I find myself having to pay the cost of that price.

It is no great mystery that in order to achieve the things in life that we truly desire one must sacrifice other things. And so it is with me as I sail along my current heading in this fantastic adventure. I also think it is a lesson The Universe demands that I understand completely. 

Those who have known me the longest understand why I call the Theatre "My Mistress." No matter what misfortune has transpired in my life She has always been there for me with open arms and unconditional love.  And I love Her more than anything in life. She gave Herself to me at age 5 and never left. I would wander off, sometimes for years on end. But Her love has never faltered and She has never turned me away when I would return to Her.  Every time Her love growing exponentially. But like every mythological tale of true love, there is a tragic side to the story. And in this instance it is at Her doorstep. You see, She continues to love me like no other, and I Her.  But only in the sanctity of Her domain. Once I leave Her sanctuary and walk out the "Castmember Entrance" to return to the mortal world I reside in She is unable to follow me home, break bread with me, enjoy a moonlit conversation, or even wrap herself around me and drift off to sleep.  That is the price for her unconditional love and happiness.

And it is currently there at that place where I ponder this most recent lesson of The Universe. In every other instance throughout my life I would seek companionship upon leaving the arms of my Mistress. In years past I would latch on to any warm body feigning love and lose my identity completely, only to get crushed and go running back to my Mistress with a broken heart. Lately it is the warmth of my oldest, dearest, and most loved friends that I find myself missing the most and wishing were with me to enjoy this ride. I've made a few new Pirate friends, but other than a certain Calico Co-Star that has heard a Readers Digest version of my life events over the last two years and shares enough theatrical background and life experience to become a trusted friend, everyone else thinks I'm a certified lunatic.  And that's okay. They're very young and don't know what I've been through to get to where I am now in my life, and that because I spend all of my time outside the "Castmember Entrance" alone I turn into a 47 year old child at recess on the playground.  And so today, a dreaded day off without my Mistress, I quietly contemplate this newest lesson The Universe is working to teach me: that it is okay to be truly happy and be by myself at the same time.

And just as I typed this I glanced at the clock... 11:11... And that was The Universe saying that I'm catching on at last! I may currently be sitting by myself and out of the arms of my Mistress that will shower me with love again tomorrow when I walk through Her doors, but I am never truly alone!

Day 253 - 9 months to term... Stillborn......

Day turns into night... Night divides the day... For weeks at a time... And the darkness falls again... With the eternalness of a death spiral meeting me upon each sunrise....

All that remains is the pain. Sleep has given up its loving embrace to quiet my mind. Food is a luxury item donated by the kind hearts of others. Family is nonexistent. If it were not for the love of friends I'd have aborted my "rebirth" months ago... Long before the 3rd trimester of hopelessness found me shrunken and so broken... Dwindling down roughly fifty pounds from where I was in October....

The car is dead...

I am again homeless...

I am jobless...

I am penniless...

I am hungry...

I am sleepless...

I am so tired...

Joy is fleeting...

And if it were not for the love and kindness of a dear friend I would have nothing at all...

Dark thoughts cloud my mind as I lie sleepless in my nightmare....

I still tell myself that the sun will indeed rise each day, and with it is born a new opportunity for another chance at life...

But lately the day sneers at the rising sun with the breath of Hell, and another chance at life lies stillborn...

I need my Angels...

Come fly to me and pick me up!

11:11

Day 131 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part 1

Each day I read the memes like the one posted here above. I used to post each one on my Facebook page as I read them. Now I will only post one or two per day as it pertains to how I feel on any particular day. It may seem silly, and others have told me "Enough! Good grief!" But I find these daily reminders quite inspirational. They give me affirmation of the positive thoughts I try to keep circulating through my heart, mind, and soul. And believe it or not they bring on the positive energy they are written about. They speak of lessons needed to be learned to free one's soul. 

Last week I sat at the airport much as I do each day waiting for arriving passengers needing a ride. I received a Facebook friend request from what appeared to be a former high school classmate. There were very few mutual friends listed, no photo of the person, and a rather generic message stating, "Hi I am so excited to find you!  How are you? I've sent a friend request I hope you dont mind..." The profile picture was a meme with the following poem by Jean Kyler McMamus entitled The Miracle Of Friendship:

There is a miracle called Friendship

that dwells within the heart

and you don't know how it happens

or when it even starts.

But the happiness it brings you

always gives a special lift

and you realize that Friendship

is God's most precious gift.

In today's day and age cyber hacking and identity theft are rampant. And because of no other photo and the generic message sent to me I considered the request spam and deleted it. 

Last Saturday I was sitting in the same terminal and in the same parking space waiting on a dispatch to pick up another passenger at the airport. I received another message and friend request from the same individual. Only this time the message said, "I have not talked to you since your senior yr in HS. You played the elephant man in the school play. That was an awesome role and you were amazing. Personally your friendship meant a lot to me." At that point I knew that this was indeed someone genuine and not a hacker trying to hijack my Facebook account. 

We chatted throughout the morning through the messaging app and at some point she'd stated that she'd like to see me again if I'm out her direction. I racked my brain to try and put a face with her name. I kept coming up blank. But I felt like there was a reason this person has been put in my path. I am constantly working to listen to what the Universe is telling me, and I was feeling an unexplainable urge that afternoon to see why exactly this woman was made to reconnect with me. And as the Universe would have it, I found myself drawing ever closer to her location upon each fare I picked up & dropped off that afternoon. I felt my Guiding Spirits were speaking to me, and I at last surrendered to their message and drove across the lake to find out who this individual was and why she has been put in my path. I knew there had to be a reason! So, upon crossing the lake just as I had thousands of times in my youth, I found myself back in my hometown. And I sent her a message saying that I'd found my way nearby and would she like to join me for lunch. My phone rang immediately and I headed to her apartment following a quick conversation with her. I still could not remember her face, but I felt a presence giving assurance that I needed to meet her. 

I made it to her address, quickly straightened myself up and walked to her door. The door opened. And then it all came flooding back to me when I saw her. Little Suzy. The little girl from the past severely hobbled by a crippling disease and many painful surgeries. The little girl from school who loved giving and receiving hugs from all of my former classmates. The little girl, who had looked up from her crutches in High School, her big brown eyes full of tears, reaching up to me after one of my final performances as John Merrick, The Elephant Man, grabbing hold of me to tell me how much I had touched her with my character. There she was again. All grown up. Her hair longer with a few grey hairs, but the same little girl. I hugged her close and then helped her into the car to go find a place to eat and talk. 

Throughout our conversation it was made clear to me exactly why she had been placed in my path. Her story of loss, suffering, pain, and loneliness erupted in tears over the table, and I found myself recalling the memes I so often read and reciting them back to her to say that she is not alone, and that something great lies ahead for her. At the same time I was reminded myself of the very same thing, though my loss and pain could not even compare to what she had been made to suffer through. As it turns out she had been writing her life's story and there is great interest from a publisher. I told her that her story can inspire millions of people. That maybe her book is why she has had a difficult life, and that her story could bring about hope in people that have lost it. I felt myself touched by the telling a of her past, and it stirred something within me. Soon I saw her big brown eyes grow brighter, her tears faded away, and before I knew it the inner child in me had her doubled over in laughter. She touched my inner being. The one lost for so long. And like a jack-n-the-box I found myself wound up and popping out with excitement. The real me. And we both said goodbye to each other with new rejuvenation of life. She promised me she would keep writing. That she would finish her book she'd stopped because of the past pain it all brought back. And she is writing. And I have promised to go see her every week to get her out of the house a bit for some time with an old friend. And maybe a few bear hugs!

Day 114 - Winds of Change

In the vast prairie that is West Texas the unending horizon is now dotted with thousands of windmills that can be seen as far as the eye can see. And as I gaze out my window onto these vast plains I see these windmills spinning like enormous pinwheels that some mischievous child has planted into the middle of a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western. It drives home the fact that the world is continually evolving - harnessed by the winds of change. 

A dear old pair of friends put me to work yesterday in Hobbs, NM. We haven't worked together in almost 25 years. Chris & Joey still look fantastic! Still the same after 25 years - maybe a few more gray hairs (as with me) - but still the same nonetheless. With one difference: 25 years of life lessons... Winds of change... Gone are the faces of youthfulness and naivety. Replaced by faces showing expressions of life's lessons learned and souls now filled with wisdom from those same lessons. But what still burns through is the playful child in them both. That ever present need to play coupled with the wisdom gained over the last 25 years of life have made them very successful - and more importantly brought a peace & love to their faces I had not seen before. 

And so I reflect as I watch the pinwheels of the west spin away. As they illustrate a different appearance today on the horizon I so frequently looked to in my youth - harnessing the winds of change to create the energy that will support West Texas lives. And spinning in a way that inspires my inner child's imagination. 

Stay young, play in your sandbox, and use your past life lessons to successfully create your destiny of love, peace, and happiness!

Day 110 - Hope Springs Eternal... Many Happy Returns!

Tomorrow I will find myself walking this planet for 46 years, and I have found this birthday week filled with with a multitude of gifts. Not the kind one finds wrapped with eye catching, colorful paper - but gifts to be grateful for and celebrated. Gifts sent in the forms of signs from the Universe that I am finally in the right place to begin the rest of my life. Gifts of friendships, love, work, family, and signs of guidance and light. 

My soul continues to hum & vibrate like a tuning fork that is resonating with the world around me. The signs are everywhere every day and I find my psyche aligning with what the Universe is saying to me more with each passing day. 

Monday the Universe guided me into an up close and personal view of complete loss and devastation. 3 times. I was led through the neighborhoods of Rowlett, Texas where an F4 tornado leveled homes in a scene that I can only describe as what looked like a war zone. 3 times. And each of those times I was sent a message of hope amongst the devastation that laid before me. A young man suffering with a brain trauma, and two women in the final weeks of pregnancy. I was given examples of life and joy that were emerging out of desolation. 

The young man: suffering from a lifelong brain injury, and now homeless from the loss of his home, as well as the overwhelming pain in his head. Yet, he did not complain. He was grateful for the medical attention he was receiving and the temporary home made for him where we drove. He chatted happily the entire way like a chirping bird in a new dawn's light. 

The 2 women: 2 different rides given to them - One at the end of her 9th month of pregnancy with her 3rd child - a girl. And one midway through her 9th month with her 1st child - a boy. Both coming out of different sides of the neighborhood of destruction, and both glowing and joyous for the new life they are about to bring forth. 

Gifts to me from the Universe with a loud and clear message that Hope Springs Eternal. And each one leading me back through my past into Rockwall where I grew up. 

It was a day of fond memories for me. A trip down memory lane where I found joy in recalling childhood events I'd long forgotten. A torrent of happy memories poured out with every home I drove past in my old neighborhood. What's more, 3 different childhood friends reached out to me through Facebook Messenger just after I drove past their old homes where they grew up. More gifts given to me from the Universe. The best of which was hearing from Melissa, my oldest childhood friend, just minutes after I stood looking at her old home and laughing to myself about our past antics & adventures together that suddenly revisited my mind. We had lunch today, by the way. And she is still the same pretty little girl with the million dollar smile I grew up with but haven't seen in 30 years. Another gift!

Yesterday I picked up an old college class mate at DFW Airport. My Uber alert told me I had a passenger named Kathy (from NJ) requesting a ride. By chance I randomly got assigned the fare in the airport queue. Then, a 45 minute drive talking about our collective college friends. More joy and fond memories bubbling up into my brain! Again, a gift...

I've booked 2 acting jobs this week and will work a 3rd on Saturday with another college chum. More gifts!!!

2 random fares this week, both in the entertainment industry, and both who requesting my résumé. Additionally, both separately spouting off names of friends we had in common. Gifts - all!!!

And so, as I close my eyes for the final night of my 45th year, I celebrate my 1st half of life. I give thanks to all it has bestowed upon me - both its pain and its joy. Because it has made me into the man I am now. Taught me that which I need to wake up in the morning to begin my 46th year with joy, and cherish each day that follows for the next half of my life!

Day 71 - Tonight We Dine!!!

I don't remember the last time I had a steak dinner...

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard...

I don't remember the last time I held my head up this high and walked with confidence!

And I don't remember the last time I was truly home! Back to where this life adventure started...

Texas! 

Or rather, TEXAS!!!! (Because everything IS bigger here!)

It's been almost 25 years since I left. I've spent over half my life away from home. I've chased dreams. I've chased love. I've chased making my way in life - the way I saw how it should be according to my mind. 

I've chased my tail...

And I've returned home with less than I left with...

But there has always been something here that never left - the love of friends!

And that is what called me home - my friends, and their love!

I arrived on the doorstep of a dear old friend yesterday morning. What you see is the only material evidence left of my 25 year journey... Other than what I carry inside... 

And I laughed longer and harder than I have in months as stories of youth were revisited between two old friends last night. My tears, pain, and anger were relinquished by love, joy, and laughter. And the loving embraces given to me and holding me tight let fly from me all of the pain and anguish from that journey taking harbor inside me. There was, at last, a calm after a 30 year storm tearing apart my soul...

Today I cried the last of the tears remaining that I have buried deep within. Today a new chapter of life begins on a blank page. At home. At last... In Texas... 

And tonight WE DINE!!!

Day 67 - Go West Young Man...

Other than 1986, 2015 has gone into my past as probably the worst year I've lived through. I've been hospitalized, abandoned, robbed, homeless, penniless, hungry, forsaken, and finally - alone. 

2016 will not be that way. 

After receiving a $2 tip last night I could at last eat again after 3 days. And as I sat alone in the front seat of my car inhaling my $2 meal special from 7/11 I cried my eyes out. Out of loneliness. 

I've spent the last 3 months alone fighting the battle to live again. I've filled every hour with either working distractions, sleep, or self destruction to tamp down the pain & loneliness I feel. 

And the love of friends called out from great distances urging me to make a fresh start for the new year among friends. Not the multitude of so called friends I thought I'd made over 15 years in Charlotte (other than 2). But the vast childhood & college friends of 25 years and longer. Urging me to stop trying to rebuild my life alone, and allow myself to heal among friends. 

My aunt told me I need to let go of my anger. I agree. The beach has cast negative entities all along my path of attempting to heal. And it is not helping me. I am losing the battle. And what occurred to me is that my true friends have never abandoned me, and have always found love in their hearts to keep me propped up so that I could move past whatever pain life managed to throw at me. Their love kept me from being alone so that I could find a way to heal and live in the light. 

I take signs shown to me very seriously as of present. In the past I missed them.  Presently the signs are from friends urging me to come home where they can  love me and keep me. Where self destruction and loneliness do not exist. 

They all tell me to go west, young man. Come home and be with your friends who love you. 

And so I proclaim my New Year's resolution for 2016. I shall....

Day 53 - Blue Christmas.....

Cliche right? The Elvis Presley version of that stupid song just rattles around in my head... I feel like I need to get a rhinestone cape and some gold sunglasses!

I've had old friends from times past reaching out with love to prop me up. And I feel it, and I am grateful. But the sadness of my loss keeps creeping in....

Every day I do my best to let go and push through. But this week has been extraordinarily rough. I think it started when I picked up a couple from a Christmas party Sunday night and was witness to a "make-out" session in my back seat. Two lovers enjoying the Holiday Season together. Since that night I cannot help but see couples walking hand in hand along My Beach. Sharing their love together and enjoying a sunset. 

It hurts. The pain of my love, family, and life lost has swelled into an excruciating ache that I cannot seem to tamper down this Holiday Season. I find myself wondering what She is doing, and what the kids are up to, how the family Christmas will be at her parents' house... It is driving me into a mad and self destructive state. Work doesn't seem to bury my heartbreak this week. My eyes fill with tears driving down the road. I cried myself to sleep last night.... God, I just want to hold them all again!

I hate Christmas! I wish it would hurry up and be over so I don't have to listen to anyone else tell me that they "don't want to see anyone spend Christmas alone - that's just sad!"

No shit!

This hurt will too pass. Time will lessen its sting. Christmas will end as quickly as it came, and I'll go on healing on My Beach. 

But the storm surge came back... With red tide this Christmas...

Day 51 - Cyber-Hugs

I re-entered the Facebook social media realm on Thursday when "Star Wars - Episode VII The Force Awakens" finally premiered. I told someone today I returned to Facebook because I am so lonely. (Wanting to share a picture of my buddy Darth giving me the old "Force Choke" in front of the concessions counter probably played a small factor as well...)

But mostly, because I am a little lonely. Well, VERY lonely, if I am to be honest. 

The last two and a half months have been extremely hard for me to work through. And now with Christmas landing on Friday with a thud and my past life's family stripped away from me and gone without a trace, I feel the weight of my sadness and loneliness to be a little heavier than usual. 

So, back to Facebook I turned.... Reconnecting with the people who were most worried about me when I was at my breaking point a couple of months ago. 

Immediately, an outpouring of love flowed forth from my high school & college friends whom I have carried in my heart for decades. "I am sending you a hug right now," wrote one of my sweet friends. 

And it dawned on me, despite being alone, I now know I am not alone. Even with the two humans that know where I am and talk to me on a regular basis constantly telling me that I am not alone - it is just now becoming clear to me that I am indeed not alone. And I feel the "Cyber-Hugs" sent to me from afar to raise my spirits. 

So, to all of you - my sweetest, kindest, and dearest friends from times gone by - I thank you! I feel less lonely, and my heart warmed up from your love!

And the storm surge recedes even more with each warm wish and "Cyber-Hug!"

Day 26 - The True Meaning of Thankful!

I just wrapped a 24 hour shift so that I can reach some personal financial goals for next week. I even got a phone number from a pretty woman tonight for the first time in 3 years! The full moon shined down on me yesterday, and last night for a change, instead of turning me into a wild, howling animal it brought forward light, hope, and love of humanity! 😊

So, before I bed down for a well deserved nap today, I wanted to express my Thanks to The Universe...

I am thankful for a roof over my head! 

I am thankful for the food in my belly, small amount as it is (but I need a flat belly if I'm gonna wander the shores of My Beach)! 

I am thankful for the gas in my tank! 

I am thankful for the hundreds of souls beaming with positive light of whom I have met over the last month - restoring some of the faith I had in humanity! 

I am thankful for witnessing a breathtaking sunrise just before I call it a night. 

And I am thankful for those I hold closest and dearest to my heart - the ones who watch over me from this world, and the next!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! After you read this turn to the person closest to you and pull them tight to you, and tell them why & how you are thankful that he/she is in your life and suddenly wrapped in your arms!!!

L