In & Out of the Arms of My Mistress...

Ten weeks ago I set sail for the greatest adventure I've ever plotted a course to navigate. The storms I've weathered in life abruptly ceased, the skies opened up, and blessings radiated down upon me carried upon beams of sunlight.  My emancipated form literally arrived on a wing and a prayer with a couple of suitcases filled with most all of my worldly possessions of clothes, laptop, iPhone & iPad to a beach offering a gift to restore my life and fulfil my dreams. The most beautiful soul I know and love bought the plane ticket for me, and filled my empty pockets with a few hundred dollars for food and living expenses, and arranged a week of lodging in a cozy motel on the beach. The rest was up to me.

Fast forward to the present day. Memorial Day Weekend. I write this post slurping on hot java from the deck of my current abode overlooking the scenic glory of one of the many popular golf courses in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yet another Blessing from on High that literally fell into my lap in the form of a fully furnished 3 bedroom/3bathroom townhouse that I share with another gentleman and his canine companion, Charlie. A perfect arrangement where I can contribute to the cost of my lodging in a "pay as you go" way that coincides with my bi-weekly pay periods.  My closely cropped salt & pepper scalp and grizzled grey bearded scruff no longer exist, but have evolved into a considerably longer mane erupting from the entire surface area of my skull like a Chia Pet, and are now jet black courtesy of the "Just For Men" aisle at the local Walmart. And I've managed put the famous "Freshman Fifteen" back onto my sturdy haunches through three square meals a day.  Yours truly, the Pirate King Blackbeard, seems to be sailing through calm seas with a steady breeze in a sturdy vessel!

And I am! For the first time in almost two years I have finally found my independence at long last where I can proudly provide for myself again!  For the first time in almost two years I have regained my footing without having my legs swept out from underneath me knocking me back down to the ground with a hopeless thud! And for the first time in many years I have found happiness again! True happiness that rushes to embrace me with her loving arms every time I walk through the "Castmember Entrance" of the Theatre that is currently Pirates Voyage!

However, happiness comes with price.  And as of late I find myself having to pay the cost of that price.

It is no great mystery that in order to achieve the things in life that we truly desire one must sacrifice other things. And so it is with me as I sail along my current heading in this fantastic adventure. I also think it is a lesson The Universe demands that I understand completely. 

Those who have known me the longest understand why I call the Theatre "My Mistress." No matter what misfortune has transpired in my life She has always been there for me with open arms and unconditional love.  And I love Her more than anything in life. She gave Herself to me at age 5 and never left. I would wander off, sometimes for years on end. But Her love has never faltered and She has never turned me away when I would return to Her.  Every time Her love growing exponentially. But like every mythological tale of true love, there is a tragic side to the story. And in this instance it is at Her doorstep. You see, She continues to love me like no other, and I Her.  But only in the sanctity of Her domain. Once I leave Her sanctuary and walk out the "Castmember Entrance" to return to the mortal world I reside in She is unable to follow me home, break bread with me, enjoy a moonlit conversation, or even wrap herself around me and drift off to sleep.  That is the price for her unconditional love and happiness.

And it is currently there at that place where I ponder this most recent lesson of The Universe. In every other instance throughout my life I would seek companionship upon leaving the arms of my Mistress. In years past I would latch on to any warm body feigning love and lose my identity completely, only to get crushed and go running back to my Mistress with a broken heart. Lately it is the warmth of my oldest, dearest, and most loved friends that I find myself missing the most and wishing were with me to enjoy this ride. I've made a few new Pirate friends, but other than a certain Calico Co-Star that has heard a Readers Digest version of my life events over the last two years and shares enough theatrical background and life experience to become a trusted friend, everyone else thinks I'm a certified lunatic.  And that's okay. They're very young and don't know what I've been through to get to where I am now in my life, and that because I spend all of my time outside the "Castmember Entrance" alone I turn into a 47 year old child at recess on the playground.  And so today, a dreaded day off without my Mistress, I quietly contemplate this newest lesson The Universe is working to teach me: that it is okay to be truly happy and be by myself at the same time.

And just as I typed this I glanced at the clock... 11:11... And that was The Universe saying that I'm catching on at last! I may currently be sitting by myself and out of the arms of my Mistress that will shower me with love again tomorrow when I walk through Her doors, but I am never truly alone!

Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

The Irony of It All

"Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you."

I find such great irony in both this quote and this picture, both created by the mind of the same real life individual.

Upon reading this quote a very broken part of me painfully thought of another real life individual hearing this quote in her voice. Of course, the words she never actually uttered to me. But quoted words gave voice to her life destroying actions against me. The result rendering me homeless and destitute without ever being given a single opportunity to defend myself. And then the image... Looking through my shattered prism I can see that same woman depicted as Evil personified... Laughing at me and raising a glass to toast the life and love she destroyed by driving a spear through its heart. There still is a very damaged part of my soul that continues to bleed, and will instinctually see such quotes and images materializing into something resembling that woman. At least I can admit that and know that it is coming from broken place inside me.

The irony lies in the fact that my life which had completely lost all its hope and meaning to me just suddenly launched without warning and is traveling at supersonic speed. And from behind the wheel of this rocket ship there is that first individual I explained at the top of this post. The man who actually said, "Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you." and actually designed the image I posted here. And I'm gonna be on the ride of my life!

In 16 days I will take to the stage of the largest production I have ever been a part of and begin the rehearsal process. After which I will take the helm as the lead role on center stage and perform in front of the largest audiences I've ever seen in my life! The maniac behind the wheel is laughing wildly as he accelerates, and Dear God he is raising a glass to toast me! "To you! I give you Quarters as you seize mine!" he bellows! And I'm trying not to have a heart attack from the thrill filling my bones right now! And I'm grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat as this ride increases speed!!!

The irony of it all...

Day 123 - Brick & Mortar: The Foundation of Victory

I woke up this morning for the first time in a month with heat, and was able to take a hot shower. There are so many things we take for granted... Until they are stripped away from us. So, this morning I celebrate a victory! I am at last no longer homeless. I have secured lodging made of brick & mortar. And I finally have a physical address I can use where I will now call home for the foreseeable future!

I spoke with an old friend last week who had also fallen on hard times, not unlike myself. In our conversation I tried to convey to him positive thoughts and hope. It turns out positive energy found its mark for both of us: I found a home and he made his first commission on a new job! After we spoke and congratulated each other on our personal victories he wrote the following:

"Things I learned today:

The word "perspective" is from the Latin word "perspicere" meaning to see through. In other words, with the proper perspective you can see through all the bullshit that life has the audacity to send your way. 

Proper perspective leads to a proper outlook on life. This leads to seeing those yearly, monthly, weekly and daily victories. And by all means, when those victories come (I promise they will) never forget to spike the ball, do your end zone dance and celebrate."

When we spoke after he posted that he stated, "See, I was paying attention today when we spoke!"

And that really sums it up for me. No matter how awful things seem to be, someone somewhere is in an equally dismal situation. From the darkness of a rat infested and filthy hovel I held onto faith that life will get better and to not give up! And when he explained his state of depression and hopelessness I told him to give it one more day. That tomorrow brings new opportunities for us all. And to trust that a Higher Power has something better for us. Have faith. 

The next day brought victories for both of us; a new home for me, and a healthy commission for him. Victories that gave us both a revitalized strength to carry on, and a rejuvenated faith that the Universe IS listening.

And the light we walk in grows brighter, and I am dancing my happy dance in the end zone while my friend is spiking the ball over his own goal line!

Day 114 - Winds of Change

In the vast prairie that is West Texas the unending horizon is now dotted with thousands of windmills that can be seen as far as the eye can see. And as I gaze out my window onto these vast plains I see these windmills spinning like enormous pinwheels that some mischievous child has planted into the middle of a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western. It drives home the fact that the world is continually evolving - harnessed by the winds of change. 

A dear old pair of friends put me to work yesterday in Hobbs, NM. We haven't worked together in almost 25 years. Chris & Joey still look fantastic! Still the same after 25 years - maybe a few more gray hairs (as with me) - but still the same nonetheless. With one difference: 25 years of life lessons... Winds of change... Gone are the faces of youthfulness and naivety. Replaced by faces showing expressions of life's lessons learned and souls now filled with wisdom from those same lessons. But what still burns through is the playful child in them both. That ever present need to play coupled with the wisdom gained over the last 25 years of life have made them very successful - and more importantly brought a peace & love to their faces I had not seen before. 

And so I reflect as I watch the pinwheels of the west spin away. As they illustrate a different appearance today on the horizon I so frequently looked to in my youth - harnessing the winds of change to create the energy that will support West Texas lives. And spinning in a way that inspires my inner child's imagination. 

Stay young, play in your sandbox, and use your past life lessons to successfully create your destiny of love, peace, and happiness!

Day 71 - Tonight We Dine!!!

I don't remember the last time I had a steak dinner...

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard...

I don't remember the last time I held my head up this high and walked with confidence!

And I don't remember the last time I was truly home! Back to where this life adventure started...

Texas! 

Or rather, TEXAS!!!! (Because everything IS bigger here!)

It's been almost 25 years since I left. I've spent over half my life away from home. I've chased dreams. I've chased love. I've chased making my way in life - the way I saw how it should be according to my mind. 

I've chased my tail...

And I've returned home with less than I left with...

But there has always been something here that never left - the love of friends!

And that is what called me home - my friends, and their love!

I arrived on the doorstep of a dear old friend yesterday morning. What you see is the only material evidence left of my 25 year journey... Other than what I carry inside... 

And I laughed longer and harder than I have in months as stories of youth were revisited between two old friends last night. My tears, pain, and anger were relinquished by love, joy, and laughter. And the loving embraces given to me and holding me tight let fly from me all of the pain and anguish from that journey taking harbor inside me. There was, at last, a calm after a 30 year storm tearing apart my soul...

Today I cried the last of the tears remaining that I have buried deep within. Today a new chapter of life begins on a blank page. At home. At last... In Texas... 

And tonight WE DINE!!!