Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

Day 131 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part 1

Each day I read the memes like the one posted here above. I used to post each one on my Facebook page as I read them. Now I will only post one or two per day as it pertains to how I feel on any particular day. It may seem silly, and others have told me "Enough! Good grief!" But I find these daily reminders quite inspirational. They give me affirmation of the positive thoughts I try to keep circulating through my heart, mind, and soul. And believe it or not they bring on the positive energy they are written about. They speak of lessons needed to be learned to free one's soul. 

Last week I sat at the airport much as I do each day waiting for arriving passengers needing a ride. I received a Facebook friend request from what appeared to be a former high school classmate. There were very few mutual friends listed, no photo of the person, and a rather generic message stating, "Hi I am so excited to find you!  How are you? I've sent a friend request I hope you dont mind..." The profile picture was a meme with the following poem by Jean Kyler McMamus entitled The Miracle Of Friendship:

There is a miracle called Friendship

that dwells within the heart

and you don't know how it happens

or when it even starts.

But the happiness it brings you

always gives a special lift

and you realize that Friendship

is God's most precious gift.

In today's day and age cyber hacking and identity theft are rampant. And because of no other photo and the generic message sent to me I considered the request spam and deleted it. 

Last Saturday I was sitting in the same terminal and in the same parking space waiting on a dispatch to pick up another passenger at the airport. I received another message and friend request from the same individual. Only this time the message said, "I have not talked to you since your senior yr in HS. You played the elephant man in the school play. That was an awesome role and you were amazing. Personally your friendship meant a lot to me." At that point I knew that this was indeed someone genuine and not a hacker trying to hijack my Facebook account. 

We chatted throughout the morning through the messaging app and at some point she'd stated that she'd like to see me again if I'm out her direction. I racked my brain to try and put a face with her name. I kept coming up blank. But I felt like there was a reason this person has been put in my path. I am constantly working to listen to what the Universe is telling me, and I was feeling an unexplainable urge that afternoon to see why exactly this woman was made to reconnect with me. And as the Universe would have it, I found myself drawing ever closer to her location upon each fare I picked up & dropped off that afternoon. I felt my Guiding Spirits were speaking to me, and I at last surrendered to their message and drove across the lake to find out who this individual was and why she has been put in my path. I knew there had to be a reason! So, upon crossing the lake just as I had thousands of times in my youth, I found myself back in my hometown. And I sent her a message saying that I'd found my way nearby and would she like to join me for lunch. My phone rang immediately and I headed to her apartment following a quick conversation with her. I still could not remember her face, but I felt a presence giving assurance that I needed to meet her. 

I made it to her address, quickly straightened myself up and walked to her door. The door opened. And then it all came flooding back to me when I saw her. Little Suzy. The little girl from the past severely hobbled by a crippling disease and many painful surgeries. The little girl from school who loved giving and receiving hugs from all of my former classmates. The little girl, who had looked up from her crutches in High School, her big brown eyes full of tears, reaching up to me after one of my final performances as John Merrick, The Elephant Man, grabbing hold of me to tell me how much I had touched her with my character. There she was again. All grown up. Her hair longer with a few grey hairs, but the same little girl. I hugged her close and then helped her into the car to go find a place to eat and talk. 

Throughout our conversation it was made clear to me exactly why she had been placed in my path. Her story of loss, suffering, pain, and loneliness erupted in tears over the table, and I found myself recalling the memes I so often read and reciting them back to her to say that she is not alone, and that something great lies ahead for her. At the same time I was reminded myself of the very same thing, though my loss and pain could not even compare to what she had been made to suffer through. As it turns out she had been writing her life's story and there is great interest from a publisher. I told her that her story can inspire millions of people. That maybe her book is why she has had a difficult life, and that her story could bring about hope in people that have lost it. I felt myself touched by the telling a of her past, and it stirred something within me. Soon I saw her big brown eyes grow brighter, her tears faded away, and before I knew it the inner child in me had her doubled over in laughter. She touched my inner being. The one lost for so long. And like a jack-n-the-box I found myself wound up and popping out with excitement. The real me. And we both said goodbye to each other with new rejuvenation of life. She promised me she would keep writing. That she would finish her book she'd stopped because of the past pain it all brought back. And she is writing. And I have promised to go see her every week to get her out of the house a bit for some time with an old friend. And maybe a few bear hugs!

Day 123 - Brick & Mortar: The Foundation of Victory

I woke up this morning for the first time in a month with heat, and was able to take a hot shower. There are so many things we take for granted... Until they are stripped away from us. So, this morning I celebrate a victory! I am at last no longer homeless. I have secured lodging made of brick & mortar. And I finally have a physical address I can use where I will now call home for the foreseeable future!

I spoke with an old friend last week who had also fallen on hard times, not unlike myself. In our conversation I tried to convey to him positive thoughts and hope. It turns out positive energy found its mark for both of us: I found a home and he made his first commission on a new job! After we spoke and congratulated each other on our personal victories he wrote the following:

"Things I learned today:

The word "perspective" is from the Latin word "perspicere" meaning to see through. In other words, with the proper perspective you can see through all the bullshit that life has the audacity to send your way. 

Proper perspective leads to a proper outlook on life. This leads to seeing those yearly, monthly, weekly and daily victories. And by all means, when those victories come (I promise they will) never forget to spike the ball, do your end zone dance and celebrate."

When we spoke after he posted that he stated, "See, I was paying attention today when we spoke!"

And that really sums it up for me. No matter how awful things seem to be, someone somewhere is in an equally dismal situation. From the darkness of a rat infested and filthy hovel I held onto faith that life will get better and to not give up! And when he explained his state of depression and hopelessness I told him to give it one more day. That tomorrow brings new opportunities for us all. And to trust that a Higher Power has something better for us. Have faith. 

The next day brought victories for both of us; a new home for me, and a healthy commission for him. Victories that gave us both a revitalized strength to carry on, and a rejuvenated faith that the Universe IS listening.

And the light we walk in grows brighter, and I am dancing my happy dance in the end zone while my friend is spiking the ball over his own goal line!