Day 15 - Echoes of Laughter Floating on Perfume

I said last night it was good to feel myself again. And evidently it is showing!

My entire day was filled meeting women of all ages from all corners of the globe. Naturally, I want to hear a girlish giggle and see the flash of a dainty smile from a beautiful woman. It was what made my heart leap in my past life. And somewhere along the way I lost myself - the love and charm that would bring a smile to a pretty face and cause uncontrollable schoolgirl giggling. 

I was blessed today. I felt myself for the first time in a very long time. Every person I encountered today was stunningly gorgeous and allowed me to "Play" at the level that brought smiles and giggles to their pretty faces!

There was laughter today! Happiness! All carried on the scent of flowers from beautiful women from all over the world!

And the storm surge receded a little more tonight!

Day 14 - Loneliness of a Social Creature

I'm I am a social animal by nature. I love the Theatre, I love the stage, I love to perform... It makes me somewhat of a playful & extroverted middle aged child. And my job helps with my daily healing. I get to intermingle with other humans from every walk of life - every race, gender, social class, sexual orientation, religion... You name it. And everyone allows me to be me. 

And they love it!

And I love it!

My high blood pressure & stress level have both dropped exponentially over the last three weeks since I landed on my beach! It is amazing how liberating it has been by LITERALLY losing EVERYTHING and starting completely over at 45 years old! A liberation of my heart, mind, and soul!

But there is also the void....

The black hole of emptiness that exists where love & companionship once lived and breathed. 

What do I do with the love in my heart now? Where do I send it? What direction does it need to travel to?

My beach is filled with debris and fallout from the hurricane which tore through my heart & soul. It has created a storm surge  of love and light with nowhere to go... So it floods my privacy. The hours when I'm alone... The endless flow from my heart... My love with nowhere to go now...

That's when the loneliness of my new life swells, and the pain comes back... A social creature who is all alone at the end of the day...

And I ask the Universe, "What do I do now? I'm broken, bleeding from my soul, and don't know where or how to channel the love I have inside me... What do I do now?"

And as I write this, the Universe answered me as my new found feline friend Frances bounced up the driveway and into my lap. For the first time - in my lap purring as loud as he could!

And the flood waters receded a little tonight!

Day 12 - The Judas Kiss & The Salted Wound

Julius Caesar nailed it! 

I know what you're thinking... "Et tu, Brute?"

Well, that quote HAS crossed my mind a few thousand times over the last month!

 

But I think Caesar nailed it by saying, "Men at some time are masters of their fates: 

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars

But in ourselves, that we are underlings."

In other words, regardless of what the Universe attempts to tell us, it is ultimately our own actions that decide the result or consequence. 

My first Blog Post touched on that. My actions created consequences. But if we peel back the onion skin a bit farther, we see that there are behaviors which result in actions that result in consequences.  

And that is the cross I currently feel across my back... I went an entire week without tears. I suppose it was because I was so focused on landing somewhere I could call home. Survival instincts kicked in: shelter, food, work... All of which took 110% of my energy and focus. 

Then there was a roof... A fridge full of food... A paycheck to keep a sustainable basic life.... 

And that's when the dreams started. Or, rather, the nightmares.... Vivid dreams of the Beast who seduced me... Possessed me... Consumed me...

She, whom I still love and ache for every minute of every day. She who betrayed me, not unlike Judas or Brutus. And has brought pain upon my soul as scorching as salt in an open wound. 

And yet I still miss her... I still ache for her... The empty void in me is a black hole that sucks away the light...

And that is where I have to take a long look in the mirror, and stop the Beast from consuming the light. I tell myself it is okay to mourn. It is alright to release a torrent of tears. But know that time will heal the wound torn so deeply into my soul. 

I guess what really eats at me is the "Why?" of all of it. I'm overly analytical by nature, so "Why?" is the stuff of my nightmares...

Why did she cheat?

Why did I support her & her children as best I could for 3 years when she was unemployed?

Why did she claim I should consider her children as "Ours."?

Why did she get away with stealing EVERYTHING I own (other than my car & my clothes), leaving me with nothing?

Why did she leave me, already bankrupt, with thousands of dollars of bills in my name that I cannot pay?

Why did she lie? Over and over and over and over again?

And, WHY did I get so enveloped in the seduction and the betrayal?

Why? 

I don't know... As Caesar would say, "It's all Greek to me." I just know that there is nowhere to go now but up. When you find your true bottom in the darkness, you can only ascend into the light!

Day 10 - 1 month forced into new life

I read that comfort equals happiness this morning. That shelter from the rain for the homeless makes for comfort, and thus happiness. That a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" brings comfort, and thus, happiness. And finally "pay it forward!"

I find the words comforting, but the source is one of hypocrisy. I don't think she understands the true meaning of comfort and compassion for other humans. I think her definition is one that is self serving for her. 

And that is ok. I've cut that line and watched it drift out to sea. 

I think the true meaning of happiness is one that a person seeks for himself/herself. There in lies comfort to be found. 

At the end of the day it is only ourselves that must claim responsibility for our actions and our path in life. No one else can make that for us. Though individuals cross our paths and garner influence over us, it is ultimately up to us to do what we think is best to survive in this game of life. 

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of my past life's death. And the 10th day of my rebirth. Though this new life is quite lonely at times, I know & trust that the Universe will illuminate my way - as long as I stay in the light. It is ultimately up to me. I am only responsible for me. I alone can only allow darkness to enter my life. And I choose light. Too many signs along this route have pointed me into the light. And I like where it is leading me. I only must have patience and faith. Those two things will see me through. And then my trust in humanity will begin to heal and guide me to trust again.

Every day I heal a little more with love & light!

Day 8 - Payday

I will keep this brief because I'm worn out. Tomorrow is payday! I am literally counting my blessings and my pennies!

Tomorrow not only marks my first payday in my new life - it also marks a full week in my new home after a full month of gut wrenching tragic fallout from my former life. 

I survived! Somehow, by the Grace of  God I made it through THE darkest part of my life. 

Homeless, penniless, loveless, abandoned....

The tears still come and go... My heart still aches.... But I'm healing. On my beach. And my new life gets a paycheck tomorrow!!!

I celebrate this win!!!

Lemons & Sugar

You set me free! 

I found the "Sugar" for my "Lemons." 

I love you, I miss you, I ache for you with ALL of my heart! 

But I also THANK YOU!!!!

#MyBeach

Day 7 - The Gospel According to Jim

A man who went long before his time... A man that was decades ahead of the creative music scene... A man that was THE key to The Doors...

Jim Morrison

I received two "Get Out of Jail Free" cards over the last two days on the Monopoly Board of Life. Both of them also said "Collect $200 and Pass 'GO'"

I worked much longer than I wished to on this morning/yesterday's eve. I watched the sun come behind me on the beach. But I achieved my goal! I am on track now to earn what I need to survive! I'm exhausted, but this is perhaps THE most relaxed I've been in over 10 years. 

And I can say with 110% certainty that the light at the end of the tunnel I now see is most definitely NOT another oncoming train!!!

I heard the Gospel According to Jim tonight as I worked to achieve a goal I set for myself! 

Thank you Saint

Morrison! I HAVE, in fact, made a "Break On Through to the Other Side!!!!!"

And I continue to "BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAK, BREAAAAAAAKKKK!!!!" 

Day 6 - "The Cat Lady Returns!"

In the past, in my former life, there was a lot of talk about animal spirits. And I have believed that those I have loved and lost in life can somehow reappear in the form of animals to let me know I am on the right path. An encounter with a certain four-legged feline recently has affirmed that belief that I have.

The day that I looked at my new home, as I walked back out to my car I was greeted by a little red cat, not unlike my GiGi that was taken from me. My "ginger cat" of 10 years whom I was denied of ever seeing again when I was cast out of my past life. This new furry little friend came running up to me and immediately started wrapping himself around the inside of my ankles, purring extremely loudly. I took that as a good sign that I had found THE place I was going to be healing and welcoming to me which I now call home.

I woke up this morning and walked out my front door and was greeted by a very soft and sweet meow. I looked up above me and there was my red little friend on the roof of my new home staring down at me with a smile that only a cat can have - A Cheshire grin! Full of unconditional love that only in animal can give as he purred and rubbed on my hand when I reached up to say hello to my new found friend. 

And then it dawned on me, we always referred to my grandmother as "The Cat Lady." And as with many of the other angelic signs of light that I have found as I have relocated to my new home, I like to think that my new friend is just another sign from the universe that I am in the right place and all will be well.

And as I write this brief little blog he sits on top of my rooftop watching me as I dictate this into words.

I think I'm going to call him Frances!

Day 4 - Angels & Demons

Someone in my family made something  crystal clear to me yesterday with the comment, "You got in bed with the Devil..."

It took 24 hours for it to sink in. And as she said, it should scare the shit out of me... And it does - the more I think about it! 

Sunday School used to teach me that The Devil seduces and deceives man. Even Jesus Christ was tempted in the desert. The lesson was that even those of us that attempt to do good and walk in the light can be seduced and deceived by dark forces. 

My aunt's words really sunk in. She showed me messages, as well as the lack of, in the darkest times of my life that were both sent and ignored by THE one I thought to be a soul mate. 

It's funny how you think you know people. How one can be seduced and completely taken in by the deception of "goodness." What terrifies me is that I fell into the seduction. I loved it with all of my heart. I'd have laid my life down for the person I thought I knew better than anyone on the planet. 

And that was my Faust story. I was seduced by something so evil I could not fathom that the angel I laid down with was a demon set to possess my soul, and make me walk in darkness by constantly calling it the light. 

That REALLY terrifies me. That I could be swept up under a Demon's wing and love it unconditionally - have it possess my own soul - and cause me to question whether or not I should stop my own pulse- to release my soul because of this entity. 

Now, hundreds & hundreds of miles away from that entity I find my self penniless, but so much more peaceful. Because I know the Universe sees and hears all of her children. And she witnessed my seduction, the deceits, and my "possession" if you will. 

And I've walked into the light! There is wind and warmth and peace in this light. And the demons have been made rid of my possessions. And even penniless I have found peace!

Day 3 - $160

If you read my 1st post you've read how I got here. 

Funny thing about "The Universe" is that it gives & it takes without explanation...

After my 1st post I thought I'd made it through the other side... That I'd walked through the flames to the other side. 

Then the bank email came....

I'm out of money....

I have a roof over my head now, but now have nothing in reserve to use so as feed myself. 

Now, I can go 2 days without food... Done it before, I'll do it again. But without the promise of work beyond that second day.... I'm 6'2" & 215 lbs. I need to eat!!! Day 3 I get hungry! And the thought of completely broke frightened the shit out of me! I pushed my hunger down for a day, and I did what I'd swore to myself that I'd never do.... I asked for help....

I asked for help from the only people in my family whom I felt KNEW me, and did not believe the piece/parchment lies written about me. 

A week.... That's all I need (as far as I know at this point) to survive. I kept a count.... Right around $160 for a couple of pots & pans, food, gasoline.... And a solar powered elephant to put on my dashboard - trunk up & ears flapping = a good day!

$160 to stay on my feet!

I'm still standing! I'm alive! I'm grateful! I'm loved, and I love! 

And I swear to return the $160 gift given to me to keep me standing!!!

And I say thank you, and I love you & appreciate the loving bond that makes family THE number one importance in life!

....and even in the dark the elephant has his trunk up, and his ears keep flapping!

😊