I know what you're thinking... "Et tu, Brute?"
Well, that quote HAS crossed my mind a few thousand times over the last month!
But I think Caesar nailed it by saying, "Men at some time are masters of their fates:
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars
But in ourselves, that we are underlings."In other words, regardless of what the Universe attempts to tell us, it is ultimately our own actions that decide the result or consequence.
My first Blog Post touched on that. My actions created consequences. But if we peel back the onion skin a bit farther, we see that there are behaviors which result in actions that result in consequences.
And that is the cross I currently feel across my back... I went an entire week without tears. I suppose it was because I was so focused on landing somewhere I could call home. Survival instincts kicked in: shelter, food, work... All of which took 110% of my energy and focus.
Then there was a roof... A fridge full of food... A paycheck to keep a sustainable basic life....
And that's when the dreams started. Or, rather, the nightmares.... Vivid dreams of the Beast who seduced me... Possessed me... Consumed me...
She, whom I still love and ache for every minute of every day. She who betrayed me, not unlike Judas or Brutus. And has brought pain upon my soul as scorching as salt in an open wound.
And yet I still miss her... I still ache for her... The empty void in me is a black hole that sucks away the light...
And that is where I have to take a long look in the mirror, and stop the Beast from consuming the light. I tell myself it is okay to mourn. It is alright to release a torrent of tears. But know that time will heal the wound torn so deeply into my soul.
I guess what really eats at me is the "Why?" of all of it. I'm overly analytical by nature, so "Why?" is the stuff of my nightmares...
Why did she cheat?
Why did I support her & her children as best I could for 3 years when she was unemployed?
Why did she claim I should consider her children as "Ours."?
Why did she get away with stealing EVERYTHING I own (other than my car & my clothes), leaving me with nothing?
Why did she leave me, already bankrupt, with thousands of dollars of bills in my name that I cannot pay?
Why did she lie? Over and over and over and over again?
And, WHY did I get so enveloped in the seduction and the betrayal?
Why?
I don't know... As Caesar would say, "It's all Greek to me." I just know that there is nowhere to go now but up. When you find your true bottom in the darkness, you can only ascend into the light!
No comments:
Post a Comment