Day 19 - The Worst Kind of Goodbye

Maybe it is the fact that it has been rainy & gloomy for two days. Maybe it is because work hasn't been as busy for the last two days. Or maybe it is because I chatted with a pretty blonde at lunch today who told me about her 2 kids (a 21 year old girl & a 16 year old boy) which opened up a wound trying to heal. I just know that for two days the waterworks have been turned on and my heartache becomes the only thing I can feel. 

I got angry today. It was the first time since my rebirth I've felt rage - seemingly at nothing but focused on anything or anyone around me. 

But tonight I write instead of wreck. I'm working hard on letting my anger manifest itself constructively instead of destructively. And I reflect to discover from exactly where the source of my angst is generated. 

And after calm meditation and an inward look I've discovered it. 

You see, closure is something I've been deprived of with every woman I have loved. My Mother never told me goodbye before she drew her last breath. I was far too young and naive then at 16 to believe she would leave me. My teenage arrogance blinded me. My first wife cheated and I simply walked out the door and left, never looking back, and never giving her the opportunity to apologize or say goodbye. It was easy at 26. I was strong and had a plan. My second wife was a bully and an abusive alcoholic. I had lost my job and looked for work for 10 months. The abuse grew worse day by day, and my self respect dwindled along with it. It was only when given a new job, and saving newly earned money that I rescued myself from her abuse by retreating away from her, and attempting to start over at 42. No goodbyes. And now I find myself the cheap joke of someone's lies and deceit at 45. I was simply surgically removed like a cancer and cut out. And I think that is what has opened back up the flood of tears and pain over the last 2 days. 

I received a dose of my own poisonous medicine. When a line is crossed on me I consider that person dead to me. Problem is that I still love this woman unconditionally. Despite the 9 circles of Hell she put me through. But she made me dead to her, and I never got to say goodbye. It is easier to stomach that emptiness when a loved one passes away. But when they still live, and forbid any contact, and have literally stolen all things and loved ones- poisoning the well of friendships I drank from for 15 years - that is the worst kind of goodbye...

The one I'm forbidden to say...