Day 93 - Suicide Solution?

"Wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker

Suicide is slow with liqueur

Take a bottle, drown your sorrows

Then it floods away tomorrows

Away tomorrows

Evil thoughts and evil doings

Cold, alone you hang in ruins

Thought that you'd escape the reaper

You can't escape the master keeper

'Cos you feel life's unreal, and you're living a lie

Such a shame, who's to blame, and you're wondering why

Then you ask from your cask, is there life after birth

What you saw can mean hell on this earth

Hell on this earth..."

Leave it to me - the consummate drama king to quote the lyrics from a man who boasted about snorting a line of ants. But then again, who am I to judge?

Before you all call the authorities, let me put your minds at ease. I don't plan on offing myself. Yes, that thought has been front and center in my brain today, but I've lived through the fallout. I won't do that to anyone else. Nor am I intending on drinking myself into a stupor. 1 or 2 bloody maries, yes... Stupor, no. Drugs, no. Besides, it is Sunday and not only are the liquor stores closed, but I couldn't even think of where I could find illegal substances in a place I've been away from for 25 years! Besides, I'm broke & homeless. 

No, I'm angry and frustrated. There is a broken record on this turntable of life for me, and I have reached "meltdown mode."

So I write. Alone. In a strange place. Sober. 

I stress SOBER because I have been accused very recently of being an alcoholic. 

I am not an alcoholic. 

My Father is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Wife is an alcoholic. 

My Ex-Fiancé is an alcoholic and drug addict. 

I am neither. 

I am, however, in incomprehensible pain. 

And every day I tell myself to get through to another sunrise. And every day I do. I will cry myself to sleep tonight for the first time in a month. But I will also wake up to a new day tomorrow, just as I have for my entire life. 

I broke a Jim Beam bottle by accident a couple of days ago. It was about 3/4 full. I drank a little vodka with a Bloody Mary or two Thursday & Friday about 4 hours before I worked. Friday being an all nighter - pulling in the driveway at 8am Saturday morning. It was not the 1st time I worked all night to try and meet a monetary goal. I'm busting my ass 60+ hours a week to dig out of the hole I am in so that I can get a place of my own again!!!

The difference now is the perception of others. Others that care and worry about my well being. Of which I am grateful. Without those souls I would be completely lost. But, as I've said for many years: perception is one's reality. And my Demons tend to fuck with people's minds as much as they do my own. 

And it doesn't take much of them to bend reality towards perception. 

Whiskey bottle gone, small vodka bottle 3/4 empty, out all night Friday night walking in bleary eyed 8:00am Saturday morning, shaking, feeling ill, and sleeping 4 or 5 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Hell, if I didn't know me I'd think the same thing. 

But reality is a far different galaxy from perception. And my reality is the stuff of fiction in that galaxy - far, far away... But, unfortunately, it is true... All of it...

The long & short of reality is that I thought I wanted a drink. I was alone and blue, and like an idiot my Demons & I thought we could find some courage by talking to Mr. Jim Beam. MY reality set in and advised otherwise. And as I went to move the bottle back to the bar it slipped and broke cleanly off at the neck of the bottle, spilling its contents on the tile kitchen floor. I cleaned up the breakage, mopped the floor, put the broken shards of glass in a double bag and into the trunk of my car. After plugging tires on 2 other occasions I felt it better to dispose of jagged shards of glass in a mall dumpster down the road, instead of in the driveway trash can. 

But perception makes me an alcoholic trying to hide alcohol consumption... Or so the Demons say...

After I cleaned up my mess I sat down and cried. My self loathing surged and I sat and cried feeling sorry for myself for a number of hours.

I opened a small vodka bottle and had a couple of Bloody Mary cocktails at that point. Yes, I gave in a little. I'm fucking human! I cried, got it out of my system, gave myself a pep talk, took a shower, shaved, combed my hair, dressed, cleaned the cat box, kissed Frances, and 3 hours later was out the door trying to put my best foot forward to make some money. 

Here's the thing - I drive for a living now. 

I DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE!!!

My Father had a DUI. 

My Ex-Wife had a DUI. 

My Ex-Fiancé had THREE DUI's. 

If I want to have a Bloody Fucking Mary HOURS before I drive, know that I am an intelligent enough human being to know the difference between .08 and sober! And if that doesn't suit you - tough shit! It wouldn't be the first time the truth has been obliterated regarding me, my character, and my life!!! My character assassination has more bullet holes now than an 80's action movie!!!

All I want to do is start my life over. I don't know if you that read these posts can fathom what it is like to start over at mid-life from literally nothing. No job, no home, no money, nothing! I work over 60 hours a week - 7 days a week - praying to God that my car can make it another month without service so that I can save enough money to put a deposit down on a shit hole of an apartment. But because my Ex-Wife is a vindictive bitch she-devil from Hell, I have been forced into bankruptcy. I have no credit because of her. I couldn't finance a TV dinner because of her. That makes it very difficult to find an apartment without $500 to over $1000 in deposit plus 1st & last month rent. Now that my Ex-Fiancé has stolen everything else I had left, I do not even have a bed to lay down in after I come up with a couple grand to even find a home. And the rooms that are furnished are slums not unlike where I had previously had BOTH a gun to my head and a knife at my throat. 

I hate my life at present. I am trying to change it!

The world is a cruel and rotten place. All I have is my character. And when that comes in question I begin to feel lost. And suicidal thoughts begin whispering in my head. Self loathing reaches a climax. I cry. I hate. I rage against the world. 

Then the little voice of reason pipes up in my head and says, "Have a Coke and a smile... Tomorrow we can give it another go! Close your eyes and rest. You can fight the world again tomorrow! Let your heart and mind rest. Until tomorrow..."

And the record on the turntable keeps spinning... And the needle hasn't moved in 4 months...

I'm terrified. For the first time in my life I am genuinely scared to death. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I want to be optimistic. And I will try to move the needle on the broken record again tomorrow...

But now, tears to sleep...

Day 85 - BOYS BEWARE! Blindness Brought About By Big Breasted Blondes!

They say, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, keep it forever."

I can't seem to find the meme that says, "If you love something, take all that you can get from it for as long as you can. Lie. Cheat. Steal. If it is stupid enough to still believe you love it, go to a Magistrate and spin a fantastic story of lies to have it involuntarily committed to a mental hospital, then spin a tale to a judge to get yourself a restraining order, thus rendering it homeless if & when it is released as a ward of the state. Make the story so grandiose that you can effectively "legally" steal every single possession from it and keep it as your own. If it still holds love for you, show your true heartless & narcissistic soul by fabricating human emotions and "cry wolf" to law enforcement officials by claiming the Big, Bad Wolf is "stalking" you. Even if it is hundreds, or even thousands of miles away, play the terrified victim to ensure that you keep the loot you stole from it by taking out a warrant for its arrest, giving you ownership of everything and delivering the fatal blow to finally destroy its life."

Yes, I'm still naturally angry. After almost 4 months I am still homeless. I am still broke. I own nothing other than my clothes and my car. And now it seems I am a fugitive because of more lies spewed forth from a very sick individual. But I haven't cried myself to sleep in over 2 weeks. I have friends holding me up and loving me to keep my feet moving forward. And I have myself. She has not beaten me. She's broken me and left incredibly deep scars, but she has not won. 

I now have two ex-wives and now an ex-fiancé. You must be thinking, "It's not them, it's you!" And I agree. It is me...

I'm an empath. My nature is to save & rescue. I think that is a noble quality in myself. But it is also a major flaw in my character. And a narcissist is my Kryptonite. Especially when that narcissist is a sociopath who perfectly plays the role of a victim. 

And she got me! Big tits, blonde hair, batting long eyelashes over her doe eyes... She blinded me. Her beauty and her tale of woe sucked me right in. I gave her everything I had for 3 years. I gave her my heart, soul, love, and life. I provided for this woman. I provided for her children. I always felt like I finally made off with the prom queen. Well the prom queen made off with everything I had, and I stand here a jester of the queen's court. The fool...

I don't know what makes me feel worse - that I lost everything to her, or that I was taken in by the oldest con on earth played on the human male...

But a friend told me that maybe the reason I was made to lose everything was the Universe's way of forcing me to trust myself implicitly, and get back on the road leading to my dreams that I'd wandered off of for 15 years. I like to think that is the lesson to be learned in all of this. So, I will now surrender to the harsh lessons from the Universe and work to become a better student of Its teachings. 

And lesson #1 is to beware of big breasted blondes!!! 😉

Day 71 - Tonight We Dine!!!

I don't remember the last time I had a steak dinner...

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard...

I don't remember the last time I held my head up this high and walked with confidence!

And I don't remember the last time I was truly home! Back to where this life adventure started...

Texas! 

Or rather, TEXAS!!!! (Because everything IS bigger here!)

It's been almost 25 years since I left. I've spent over half my life away from home. I've chased dreams. I've chased love. I've chased making my way in life - the way I saw how it should be according to my mind. 

I've chased my tail...

And I've returned home with less than I left with...

But there has always been something here that never left - the love of friends!

And that is what called me home - my friends, and their love!

I arrived on the doorstep of a dear old friend yesterday morning. What you see is the only material evidence left of my 25 year journey... Other than what I carry inside... 

And I laughed longer and harder than I have in months as stories of youth were revisited between two old friends last night. My tears, pain, and anger were relinquished by love, joy, and laughter. And the loving embraces given to me and holding me tight let fly from me all of the pain and anguish from that journey taking harbor inside me. There was, at last, a calm after a 30 year storm tearing apart my soul...

Today I cried the last of the tears remaining that I have buried deep within. Today a new chapter of life begins on a blank page. At home. At last... In Texas... 

And tonight WE DINE!!!

Day 68 - On the Road Again

I'll be brief. 

My friends from days past have called out. 

I have listened!

I hope to see you all very soon! And I welcome your love, hugs, and friendship!!!

The beach lays East...

I travel West....

With my trusted sidekick, Frances the Cat!!!

Happy New Year!!!!! Sweet 16!!!!!

Day 67 - Go West Young Man...

Other than 1986, 2015 has gone into my past as probably the worst year I've lived through. I've been hospitalized, abandoned, robbed, homeless, penniless, hungry, forsaken, and finally - alone. 

2016 will not be that way. 

After receiving a $2 tip last night I could at last eat again after 3 days. And as I sat alone in the front seat of my car inhaling my $2 meal special from 7/11 I cried my eyes out. Out of loneliness. 

I've spent the last 3 months alone fighting the battle to live again. I've filled every hour with either working distractions, sleep, or self destruction to tamp down the pain & loneliness I feel. 

And the love of friends called out from great distances urging me to make a fresh start for the new year among friends. Not the multitude of so called friends I thought I'd made over 15 years in Charlotte (other than 2). But the vast childhood & college friends of 25 years and longer. Urging me to stop trying to rebuild my life alone, and allow myself to heal among friends. 

My aunt told me I need to let go of my anger. I agree. The beach has cast negative entities all along my path of attempting to heal. And it is not helping me. I am losing the battle. And what occurred to me is that my true friends have never abandoned me, and have always found love in their hearts to keep me propped up so that I could move past whatever pain life managed to throw at me. Their love kept me from being alone so that I could find a way to heal and live in the light. 

I take signs shown to me very seriously as of present. In the past I missed them.  Presently the signs are from friends urging me to come home where they can  love me and keep me. Where self destruction and loneliness do not exist. 

They all tell me to go west, young man. Come home and be with your friends who love you. 

And so I proclaim my New Year's resolution for 2016. I shall....

Day 56 - Christmas, A Self Deprecating Walk Through Self Destruction Into Joy

I have to get this out of my head to release the anger and pain taking harbor in me on My Beach at Christmas... But also share some joy instilled upon me...

Oh joy.... Here he goes again... Off on an online tirade feeling sorry for himself! Jesus H Christ on a raft!!!! WHY CAN'T HE JUST MOVE ON!!!! IT'S OVER!!!! GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! "SCRAPE YOUR SHOE AND JUST MOVE ON" as my Father's bride so eloquently stated after I was released from a mental institution where I was placed against my will, and then served with papers forbidding me from ever returning to MY HOME!!!! (Well, what more can you expect from a human that takes pride in being a founding member of a girl's club called "The Bottom Feeders?")

I had my Christmas meltdown on the morning of Christmas Eve, I thank God for my Aunt & Uncle making time for me to settle me down and talk me off a ledge! During which time they were attempting to get things together for a Christmas dinner with their daughter, her husband, their young children, and my cousin's in-laws. 

So I again thank them publicly for slapping me in the face with a proverbial "SNAP OUT OF IT!" of which I desperately needed and deserved! A grits, egg & bacon breakfast my aunt prepared - just like my Grandmommy used to, and a smoked mullet lunch my uncle treated me to - just like my granddaddy used to provide. Some comfort food!

My aunt knew a meltdown was coming from me, but I don't think she expected the intensity of my storm. But she & my uncle propped me up and reduced my emotional catharsis to just sporadic tears that would gently roll down my face over the course of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

I worked as much as I possibly could over the past two days just to divert my self loathing, and keep me from seeking out self destruction to quell the pain. My best friend called to comfort me, and on my Facebook page I was sent the following from a childhood friend:

"Just wanted to send out a Merry Christmas shout out. On a day where many folks can feel like they are alone in the midst of others togetherness ... this little post is a moment of connectedness out in the ether for you."

The combination of words from friends past & present along with family comfort eased my pain. And I want to again express my gratitude for the love and thoughts sent my way on a Holiday meant to be shared with friends and family. Thank you! It kept me together more than you could ever know! Add to that a couple of giving gestures - gift cards, an ornament, and a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" from my aunt & uncle, and a Star Wars XMAS card & ornament encapsulating gift cards, and home brew & fine cigar from my cousin & her husband all brought some Christmas cheer to my soul. 

But what brought the biggest smile to my face were my cousin's two children who both took it upon themselves to make me a human jungle gym which called forth my inner child, if only for a few minutes, to come out and play with them! It was Christmas for goodness sakes!!! I should come out and play!!!

And I did!

Day 53 - Blue Christmas.....

Cliche right? The Elvis Presley version of that stupid song just rattles around in my head... I feel like I need to get a rhinestone cape and some gold sunglasses!

I've had old friends from times past reaching out with love to prop me up. And I feel it, and I am grateful. But the sadness of my loss keeps creeping in....

Every day I do my best to let go and push through. But this week has been extraordinarily rough. I think it started when I picked up a couple from a Christmas party Sunday night and was witness to a "make-out" session in my back seat. Two lovers enjoying the Holiday Season together. Since that night I cannot help but see couples walking hand in hand along My Beach. Sharing their love together and enjoying a sunset. 

It hurts. The pain of my love, family, and life lost has swelled into an excruciating ache that I cannot seem to tamper down this Holiday Season. I find myself wondering what She is doing, and what the kids are up to, how the family Christmas will be at her parents' house... It is driving me into a mad and self destructive state. Work doesn't seem to bury my heartbreak this week. My eyes fill with tears driving down the road. I cried myself to sleep last night.... God, I just want to hold them all again!

I hate Christmas! I wish it would hurry up and be over so I don't have to listen to anyone else tell me that they "don't want to see anyone spend Christmas alone - that's just sad!"

No shit!

This hurt will too pass. Time will lessen its sting. Christmas will end as quickly as it came, and I'll go on healing on My Beach. 

But the storm surge came back... With red tide this Christmas...

Day 51 - Cyber-Hugs

I re-entered the Facebook social media realm on Thursday when "Star Wars - Episode VII The Force Awakens" finally premiered. I told someone today I returned to Facebook because I am so lonely. (Wanting to share a picture of my buddy Darth giving me the old "Force Choke" in front of the concessions counter probably played a small factor as well...)

But mostly, because I am a little lonely. Well, VERY lonely, if I am to be honest. 

The last two and a half months have been extremely hard for me to work through. And now with Christmas landing on Friday with a thud and my past life's family stripped away from me and gone without a trace, I feel the weight of my sadness and loneliness to be a little heavier than usual. 

So, back to Facebook I turned.... Reconnecting with the people who were most worried about me when I was at my breaking point a couple of months ago. 

Immediately, an outpouring of love flowed forth from my high school & college friends whom I have carried in my heart for decades. "I am sending you a hug right now," wrote one of my sweet friends. 

And it dawned on me, despite being alone, I now know I am not alone. Even with the two humans that know where I am and talk to me on a regular basis constantly telling me that I am not alone - it is just now becoming clear to me that I am indeed not alone. And I feel the "Cyber-Hugs" sent to me from afar to raise my spirits. 

So, to all of you - my sweetest, kindest, and dearest friends from times gone by - I thank you! I feel less lonely, and my heart warmed up from your love!

And the storm surge recedes even more with each warm wish and "Cyber-Hug!"

Day 47 - THE Awakening!!!!!

"There has been an awakening...

Have you felt it?

The Dark Side...

And The Light......"

This 45 year old man just turned 7 all over again!!! Alas, I have scored a ticket to the opening premier of "Star Wars - The Force Awakens" tonight at 7:00!!! I will squeeze into a packed theater that has been waiting for this day like overly eager Ewoks!!!! And I will join the the millions of cheering voices tonight across the USA that joyously roar with deafening glee as "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...." glows center screen in a brilliant lightsaber electric blue!!!

And then I will lose myself for 2 hours & 19 minutes and revert back into the little boy that was enraptured by a boy, a girl, and a universe that has since fueled my overactive imagination!!!

Now, if you would excuse me, I need to finish the original Star Wars Trilogy so that I am well prepared for what awaits me this evening!!!

Day 45 - The "I's" Have It!

Having chewed on this for a number of days, I've decided to write about it. I was told that the reason I have not been spoken to by a certain close member of my family (not my former fiancé) is because she counted the number of "I's" I wrote I n my email to her when my calls were not returned. I was told that she thought that I am selfish & self centered. There were 22 "I's" in the email I sent (including the "I love you" as the email subject), and below is the message I sent on 11/23/15:

"I'm not sure why you won't return my calls. I know I am an emotional wreck right now, and I'm doing the very best that I can to rise into the light after falling farther and deeper into the bottom I have dropped into. 

I have always considered you to be my second Mother. I cried all day yesterday for a number of reasons, but particularly for the loss it marked. (11/22 marks the date I lost her husband & son to a car accident in 1981 - my cousin & uncle)

You have done so much that I want to repay, but I'm trying to just keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. I love you so much!

I just want you to know that I love you! You have my number if you'd like to reach out. (Aunt) has it too if you erased it. I don't want anything from anyone at this point. But I need love without judgement. 

I've made far too many mistakes, and I am paying for them with a severely broken heart. That is my penance. But I am working very hard to live again in the light. 

I just want you to know that I love you dearly and want to just want to wrap my arms around you to tell you that. 

I love you!"

Well, May God Damn me to eternal Hell for being such a selfish son-of-bitch in writing such a self centered note! I have only put others before myself my entire life, thus landing myself in my present circumstance. Perhaps if I was a selfish ass I might not care so much about others and lose myself in the process. Perhaps I DO need to be more self centered so that I can be myself again. It seems that all those in the world these days that think of themselves first seem to come out ahead! Alas, I could be the next Donald Trump!!!

I welcome any comments my readers may have about this. Call it a "selfish indulgence!"

L