In & Out of the Arms of My Mistress...

Ten weeks ago I set sail for the greatest adventure I've ever plotted a course to navigate. The storms I've weathered in life abruptly ceased, the skies opened up, and blessings radiated down upon me carried upon beams of sunlight.  My emancipated form literally arrived on a wing and a prayer with a couple of suitcases filled with most all of my worldly possessions of clothes, laptop, iPhone & iPad to a beach offering a gift to restore my life and fulfil my dreams. The most beautiful soul I know and love bought the plane ticket for me, and filled my empty pockets with a few hundred dollars for food and living expenses, and arranged a week of lodging in a cozy motel on the beach. The rest was up to me.

Fast forward to the present day. Memorial Day Weekend. I write this post slurping on hot java from the deck of my current abode overlooking the scenic glory of one of the many popular golf courses in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Yet another Blessing from on High that literally fell into my lap in the form of a fully furnished 3 bedroom/3bathroom townhouse that I share with another gentleman and his canine companion, Charlie. A perfect arrangement where I can contribute to the cost of my lodging in a "pay as you go" way that coincides with my bi-weekly pay periods.  My closely cropped salt & pepper scalp and grizzled grey bearded scruff no longer exist, but have evolved into a considerably longer mane erupting from the entire surface area of my skull like a Chia Pet, and are now jet black courtesy of the "Just For Men" aisle at the local Walmart. And I've managed put the famous "Freshman Fifteen" back onto my sturdy haunches through three square meals a day.  Yours truly, the Pirate King Blackbeard, seems to be sailing through calm seas with a steady breeze in a sturdy vessel!

And I am! For the first time in almost two years I have finally found my independence at long last where I can proudly provide for myself again!  For the first time in almost two years I have regained my footing without having my legs swept out from underneath me knocking me back down to the ground with a hopeless thud! And for the first time in many years I have found happiness again! True happiness that rushes to embrace me with her loving arms every time I walk through the "Castmember Entrance" of the Theatre that is currently Pirates Voyage!

However, happiness comes with price.  And as of late I find myself having to pay the cost of that price.

It is no great mystery that in order to achieve the things in life that we truly desire one must sacrifice other things. And so it is with me as I sail along my current heading in this fantastic adventure. I also think it is a lesson The Universe demands that I understand completely. 

Those who have known me the longest understand why I call the Theatre "My Mistress." No matter what misfortune has transpired in my life She has always been there for me with open arms and unconditional love.  And I love Her more than anything in life. She gave Herself to me at age 5 and never left. I would wander off, sometimes for years on end. But Her love has never faltered and She has never turned me away when I would return to Her.  Every time Her love growing exponentially. But like every mythological tale of true love, there is a tragic side to the story. And in this instance it is at Her doorstep. You see, She continues to love me like no other, and I Her.  But only in the sanctity of Her domain. Once I leave Her sanctuary and walk out the "Castmember Entrance" to return to the mortal world I reside in She is unable to follow me home, break bread with me, enjoy a moonlit conversation, or even wrap herself around me and drift off to sleep.  That is the price for her unconditional love and happiness.

And it is currently there at that place where I ponder this most recent lesson of The Universe. In every other instance throughout my life I would seek companionship upon leaving the arms of my Mistress. In years past I would latch on to any warm body feigning love and lose my identity completely, only to get crushed and go running back to my Mistress with a broken heart. Lately it is the warmth of my oldest, dearest, and most loved friends that I find myself missing the most and wishing were with me to enjoy this ride. I've made a few new Pirate friends, but other than a certain Calico Co-Star that has heard a Readers Digest version of my life events over the last two years and shares enough theatrical background and life experience to become a trusted friend, everyone else thinks I'm a certified lunatic.  And that's okay. They're very young and don't know what I've been through to get to where I am now in my life, and that because I spend all of my time outside the "Castmember Entrance" alone I turn into a 47 year old child at recess on the playground.  And so today, a dreaded day off without my Mistress, I quietly contemplate this newest lesson The Universe is working to teach me: that it is okay to be truly happy and be by myself at the same time.

And just as I typed this I glanced at the clock... 11:11... And that was The Universe saying that I'm catching on at last! I may currently be sitting by myself and out of the arms of my Mistress that will shower me with love again tomorrow when I walk through Her doors, but I am never truly alone!

Yo! Ho! Ho! A Pirate's Life For Me!!!

Those of you that have followed my blog over the last 18 months know the pain and challenges I've endured. To those of you just now reading I will encourage to go back to my first post and start reading from the beginning. I started this blog to record the things that happened to me - to record a journal of my emotions. I did it thinking that the circumstances that landed me homeless, jobless, penniless, and hopeless made for and incredulous story because it is so much more stranger than fiction, and would indeed make for a great book I should write. Funny thing is that although the book has been started, I have found myself looking back and rereading these posts and finding new appreciation of the smallest things that life has to offer. Something wonderful has happened that can only be described as a dream come true that started 40 years ago for me. It is in fact a fairytale ending that I had formerly thought of as just that - a fairytale.

18 months ago I was abandoned and left homeless by the woman who had promised to be my wife. This on the heels of another woman, my ex-wife, putting me through 3 years of litigation and into bankruptcy. There is more details in the book, but the long and short of it is the ex-wife took damn near everything from me, and the ex-fiancé took everything else - literally everything else. So, 2 women, and a combination of their abuse of alcohol and/or drugs, their delusions, their lies, their attempts of complete and total character assassination of me left me in the gutter. I know I'm not without blame - it takes two to tangle - but I am still bewildered as to why these two human beings continually tried to utterly destroy the life someone they claimed to have loved. Someone I have come to know quite well as of late once said, "People are what are scary... people." And between the two of these women they succeeded in destroying me. To a point. And that is where the darkest chapter in my life ended as suddenly as it began. And that is where the chapter with a happy ending begins. Turns out that the characters driving this chapter have been there all along...

Upon landing into the darkest realm of the depths wherein I'd fallen so far, and feeling my soul gasping it's last breath of hope I felt the grasping of loving hands clasp onto me from above and pull me up into the light and the land of the living. The hands came not from the family of my blood, but the family of my waters. Waters that run far deeper than the fathoms of the Earth's greatest oceans. The waters of friendship. A clan that took me in as one of their own some 37 years ago and grew in their ranks over the years who have all somehow believed in me all these years and refused to let the hardest hits I've taken keep me on the ground. One way or another they have collectively helped me stand up again. They began as elementary school children in Rockwall, TX where we all grew up together, and then grew in their ranks in Fort Worth, TX in a small Texas Wesleyan University Theatre Department. My lifelong friends. My life giving waters. My Guardian Angels.

This is a love letter to you all. To those of you that arrived within minutes of me finding my mother a victim of her own hand, and growing up far faster than you ever should have as you gave comfort & shelter to a shattered 16 year old and a confused 5 year old who couldn't understand where Mommy was - all of this in a home devoid of adults. To all of you collectively closing down the High School to attend her funeral and standing with the entire school beside me and holding me. To those of you in a fine arts auditorium who made me one of your own 27 years ago and gave me the courage to believe in myself by believing in me and staying with me every step of the way on my life's journey since that day. And to all of you who gave without asking when I woke up one day and found myself with nothing fighting for my own very survival. And especially to the one I affectionately refer to as "Puddin' Cup" now from the initial care packages of food you gave me so I could eat a meal when I had none and no money to purchase any - each of which always had a pudding cup packed inside with the occasional snicker doodle cookies. As well as the wing you took me under giving me a roof, a bed, and sustenance when I had none which kept me off the street and out of the elements.

By the grace of God you have all been there through the years. You have been the life sustaining waters that have kept me going for almost 40 years. You have continually put me back together when I've been broken. It has been said that blood is thicker than water. But rivers run eternal and oceans run deep whilst blood coagulates or clots. Your waters have carried me to a place, ironically, where I take the helm of a ship of dreams tomorrow. And I wouldn't be here without each one of you!

Cast off me Hearties and hoist the sails
Ye all know how much I love you?
You're about to sail the Seven Seas
With Blackbeard and his Crew!

Please know how much I love each of you!!!

And I'm carrying you all with me on this voyage into exciting and unchartered waters!

I am so alive!!!

The Irony of It All

"Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you."

I find such great irony in both this quote and this picture, both created by the mind of the same real life individual.

Upon reading this quote a very broken part of me painfully thought of another real life individual hearing this quote in her voice. Of course, the words she never actually uttered to me. But quoted words gave voice to her life destroying actions against me. The result rendering me homeless and destitute without ever being given a single opportunity to defend myself. And then the image... Looking through my shattered prism I can see that same woman depicted as Evil personified... Laughing at me and raising a glass to toast the life and love she destroyed by driving a spear through its heart. There still is a very damaged part of my soul that continues to bleed, and will instinctually see such quotes and images materializing into something resembling that woman. At least I can admit that and know that it is coming from broken place inside me.

The irony lies in the fact that my life which had completely lost all its hope and meaning to me just suddenly launched without warning and is traveling at supersonic speed. And from behind the wheel of this rocket ship there is that first individual I explained at the top of this post. The man who actually said, "Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you." and actually designed the image I posted here. And I'm gonna be on the ride of my life!

In 16 days I will take to the stage of the largest production I have ever been a part of and begin the rehearsal process. After which I will take the helm as the lead role on center stage and perform in front of the largest audiences I've ever seen in my life! The maniac behind the wheel is laughing wildly as he accelerates, and Dear God he is raising a glass to toast me! "To you! I give you Quarters as you seize mine!" he bellows! And I'm trying not to have a heart attack from the thrill filling my bones right now! And I'm grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat as this ride increases speed!!!

The irony of it all...

Ashes to Ashes... Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne... What on Earth does that mean? The Scotch/Irish in me says it means "times gone by" and is about friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten. I watched "When Harry Met Sally" for the umpteenth time the other night, and even Harry was confused by the saying. "Should old acquaintance be forgot? Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances? Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them?"

Sally comes back to say "Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something."

I never really gave it much thought myself until recently. I told the person closest to me today that I feel abandoned. Those I loved most in former life exiled me from their lives a little over a year ago, never to say another word to me - as if I had died. My own family has disappeared from my life as well in a time where I didn't know how to survive until the next tomorrow. Were it not for that one special soul, now dearest to me, I know I wouldn't have seen much beyond July of this year. ​My year long personal human crisis has literally beaten the life out of me so relentlessly I've lost 25% (or roughly 55 pounds) of my former self. The most bowdlerized dismantling created out of my feeling of forgotten abandon which has been keeping me staring bleary eyed into the dark - night after sleepless night - sculpting my evaporating reflection...

2016 beat down the souls of many. And took the souls of many from us. Just this week depriving us of two souls that brought joy to millions. I myself cried an entire night over the loss of Carrie Fisher. Sleepless and sobbing ​like 2 year old over the death of someone I've never met, and then grasping at anything at all to stop the tears by trying to find some logical sense as to WHY exactly I'm so overwrought with emotion. Only to realize over and over again how she and a handful of unknowns created something so magical in a galaxy far, far away some 40 years ago, that still to this day THAT magic continues to make a profound impact on me! It is the very reason why I still have an insatiable appetite to pursue my dream. And in creating my own personal tribute to her (seen at the bottom of this post) I realized how important people are and that we remember them fondly. Because in the blink of an eye, life itself becomes a fleeting memory...

So, as you toast with champagne and share a kiss with someone special as 2017 is born later this evening ponder Sally's take on Auld Lang Syne, and let no one become abandoned. Remember those forgotten, so that they may live on within our souls forever.


For Carrie... Forever Our Princess

Day 356 - There Goes the Groom...

Picture this if you will:

A top secret plan to propose to the woman you love on stage in front of a sold out audience of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Theatre where you and your betrothed met for the first time. A plan so well conceived that you create a custom designed engagement & wedding ring, calculate the precise time you can actually have her two children and your brother all together in attendance - the three most important people in your life other than the woman you will propose to, blessings from both of her parents with her son at your side smiling and excited to hear his grandparents' approval, and the coordination with the Artistic Director of the Theatre where this is all going to come to a climactic conclusion one Saturday evening in May.

The night arrives! The cast is buzzing with excitement as they hear of what is about to happen during the opening curtain speech! The nervous man flips through his proposal speech wrought with the symbolism of the dragonfly animal spirit - a symbol important to her - representing metamorphosis of life! The actor portraying Jesus actually jokes with the man backstage by saying "You deny me?" when offering the man shaking his head "No" for a pen to write down some last minute notes on his speech!

The big moment! She is called upon from center stage by the man! The audience holds their breath as she glides across the stage finding him down on one knee, and then explodes into applause and a standing ovation when she says YES!!!!

It was a night straight out of a Fairytale!

But that is really it all was... A Fairytale ...

Today, October 2nd, 2016 was the day that nervous man was supposed to marry that beautiful princess. The day that Lamar & Shannon were to become Mr. & Mrs. Wilson. My wedding day....

In retrospect I suppose Jesus' denial joke to me backstage should have been an omen as my bride-to-be betrayed me albeit three times last October. Once by her infidelities, again by her excommunication of me from my life and home - my Garden of Eden, and thirdly by lying a final time to authorities condemning me to arrest and incarnation if I were ever to return to North Carolina. My own personal Judas... And my own metaphorical Crucifixion ending my life as I then knew it...

"Life goes on..." Or so they say. And mine has limped along nursing a still badly broken heart. My angels have been very quiet lately. My nightmares and insomnia have been monstrous noisemakers though. Dreams of the only son I would have once had - the boy parked at my side in his grandparents' living room as I nervously asked for their blessings to wed their daughter - dreams of this young man asking why I couldn't at least see him at Christmas. Dreams of the only daughter I could have ever known and her last soul searing scornful words to me that pierced my heart. Waking at 3AM and listening to the silence alone in the dark. 

I am indeed very sad today. And maybe that is why my Angels stifle themselves so. Because it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to remember the Fairytale. The Fairytale is full of love and warm memories that remain as the postcards in the scrapbook of my mind. The happiest of times to smile about and cherish. Maybe that is the lesson today as I reflect. Because when those memories come to life as I close my eyes and remember, it can push the darkness of my anger, pain, and resentment aside to allow for me to focus on the positive things instead of the negative ones from the past. And from there to find the goodness and happiness of the here and now where I find myself today...

Day 304 - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

Life hasn't gotten any easier since my last post, but it has taken a turn towards the ridiculous. And I mean that in a positive way.

As an actor I have played every role from DC Comics' Batman to Mary Shelly's Creature created by Dr. Frankenstein; I've rhythmically race baited as only David Mamet could pen upon a page, and fallen from Presidential Grace as Richard Nixon when dissected by David Frost with surgical precision. But I've never ventured far from home when stepping upon the stage for every performance.

Today I find myself 1400+ miles away from where I landed in January after my life was aborted and the woman I loved abandonded me in Charlotte, NC leaving me homeless almost a year ago. (You can read my initial posts from 2015 to get the history) This week I find myself on the road in Virginia on tour with a small band of brothers performing a Vaudvillian style western show where I play a sort of Bud Abbott Town Marshall accompanied by a Lou Costello Deputy who have to deal with a couple of bad guys deadset on shooting the Marshall as they pass through town.

I'm pushing 50 and have never been on the road as an actor. The irony in this is that I would have never considered this over the last 15 years. There were always those whom I needed to provide for at home - either financially or as a proverbial punching bag for either of the past mates I tied myself to because of my extremely poor past judgement in women. And now after losing damn near everything I find myself the perfect specimen as a "touring actor." Still homeless and broke for all intensive purposes I find a small amount of stability at last becoming somewhat self sufficient for the first time in a year.

And it is Good!

On the flip side I find myself missing my best friend. She who scooped me & my Frances (the cat) up out off the street, managed to stop my drastic 50 pound  poverty & starvation weight loss streak by feeding me daily. And loving me daily. Making me feel wanted again daily. Giving me back joy and laughter daily. Finding my inner child at long last again and giving him back the world as a playground, while having the love and patience to pick him up again and again when he falls down. I love her dearly and miss the kisses she restocks into the dimple on my chin every so often as to "keep my chin up" so they don't fall out! I miss my Frances who, I am told, has been roaming the halls crying and searching for her Daddy! I miss them terribly....

That is the Bad...

The Ugly started on I-40 as we drove by an interchange to I-77 --> Charlotte, NC... 

All at once the pain from my past life overwhelmed me and tears erupted as I looked through the trees rushing by my window. Memories of a family camping trip and white water rafting stabbed at my heart. Sleep was soon invaded by nightmares of a love lost clawing her way back into my peaceful dreams, ransacking every corner of unconsciousness. Like Poe's Raven, casting it's shadow upon my chamber door. An unwelcomed reminder of all I once had... Nevermore...

However, upon opening my eyes and waking from the bad dreams I find myself on the road realizing I no longer need what I once had. It would be an obstacle blocking the stage door that opens up to the sight of smiling children who greet me before and after every performance. And in those smiles I am reminded of why I love what I do and do what I love - why I act. Because it is only there that I am reminded that pain is fleeting, and the joy both given and taken on the stage overcomes a lifetime of sadness, if even for a moment. Followed thereafter by  homecoming kisses filling up an empty chin dimple, and purring yowls of joy twisting through my ankles. ☺️

Day 253 - 9 months to term... Stillborn......

Day turns into night... Night divides the day... For weeks at a time... And the darkness falls again... With the eternalness of a death spiral meeting me upon each sunrise....

All that remains is the pain. Sleep has given up its loving embrace to quiet my mind. Food is a luxury item donated by the kind hearts of others. Family is nonexistent. If it were not for the love of friends I'd have aborted my "rebirth" months ago... Long before the 3rd trimester of hopelessness found me shrunken and so broken... Dwindling down roughly fifty pounds from where I was in October....

The car is dead...

I am again homeless...

I am jobless...

I am penniless...

I am hungry...

I am sleepless...

I am so tired...

Joy is fleeting...

And if it were not for the love and kindness of a dear friend I would have nothing at all...

Dark thoughts cloud my mind as I lie sleepless in my nightmare....

I still tell myself that the sun will indeed rise each day, and with it is born a new opportunity for another chance at life...

But lately the day sneers at the rising sun with the breath of Hell, and another chance at life lies stillborn...

I need my Angels...

Come fly to me and pick me up!

11:11

Day 197 - A Story & A Snack

Kindergarten children have it sewn up when they are sad. They lean on someone they can trust looking for reassurance, and are told it will soon be time for a story & a snack. At that time all will be well in their worlds. 

I find comfort in knowing I've allowed myself to trust again, if only finding it in one other soul as of late. But it is progress. Days lately have been wrought with futile attempts to move forward. Money is non existent and food tends to be a luxury item. The harder I work the less I seem to have to show for it. This too shall pass I keep telling myself. 

Depression is a dangerous animal to give shelter to. It whispers darkness that steals light and joy. And within its silence a deafening roar of futility drowns out all progress made in the months past. 

It is here where I turn to the one I've grown to trust to illuminate the shadows I slip into. And with a smile, a hug, and a quick fill up of kisses to the dimple in my chin (so as I keep my chin up lest the kisses fall out) I am offered a story and a snack along with the promise that life is going to be great again. 

And that keeps me going another day more!

Day 162 - Six Months Served of a Life Sentence

It has been exactly 6 months today since I was driven from my former life. Many, many things have happened along the way. Every emotion in existence has poured through my soul. It has been a tumultuous time and an incredibly challenging journey I've found myself on. And now, 6 months into this journey of self discovery I quietly reflect on my victories and my failures. 

I still find myself bewildered by the fact that in the blink of an eye the woman I loved so deeply betrayed me. Brutally betrayed me and left me with literally nothing and put me on the street keeping me homeless for 5 months. She destroyed my life. Overnight. The woman I loved so dearly evicted me from our home together, which I paid for and worked so hard to create for her and her children during our 2 and a half years of co-inhabiting. She stole all of my property from me, lied to a magistrate and had me taken away in shackles from my best friend's house and committed into a mental hospital against my will, lied again to law enforcement and took a warrant out for my arrest for stalking her at Christmas even though I was hundreds of miles away in Florida. I actually spoke to NC law enforcement and legal counsel who all sympathized with my situation but told me I was "Shit out of luck" in not so many words because of how calculating each of her actions were. And finally, she poisoned the well so deeply with her lies about me that to this day I've not had so much as a single person in Charlotte (save 2) I considered friend or family ever even ask if I am ok. Nor any contact from anyone giving me any opportunity to explain my side of things or defend myself. I spent 15 years of my life there, and now I cannot ever go back. There is nothing left because of this woman. One cannot write fiction better than this. I feel like the Ben Affleck character from "Gone Girl." Manipulated, deceived, judged and cast aside like garbage without a single word by the very woman who told me I was her soul mate and would grow old with me. The entire experience of literally losing everything gives new meaning to the phrase "Mid-Life Crisis."

Never in my life have I encountered another human being so heartless and cruel. I've seen her now very infrequent blog posts chalked full of her self proclaimed goodness and concern for those finding themselves in hard times or horrible loss, and her hypocrisy as she encourages love, acceptance, and human kindness astounds me. I don't know if she is that delusional, or just being a sick kind of passive aggressive. Her latest post of comparing herself to a Phoenix rising from the ashes takes the cake! I have truly looked into the eyes of a succubus where I lost my identity while all the time believing in her and loving her. It turns out that she is in fact NOT pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough... For anyone... She is quite ugly, conniving & manipulating, and what some would consider dark and evil. 

But focusing on the black hole that sucked me in and ripped me to shreds would undermine the lessons and enlightenment I have discovered on my new path. I believe I was made to endure the darkness she buried me in so that I would be forced to either die in shadow or rise to the light. 

I said in my first post months ago that I could live or I could die - the choice was mine alone. And I chose to live. 

What I didn't know then was how complicated that would be. And when I say complicated, I mean facing choices that the Universe presents for me to make. Obstacles placed before me purposely to see if I can choose the path in the Light, or test me to see if I walk along the line of Light & Dark and still keep my balance. 

The balance cannot be kept. There is only self destruction that ensues by letting just a thin shadow of darkness throw a veil over the brightest paths of Light. It eats at one's soul like an aggressive acid, slowly dissolving away the purity of all the good places in one's path. And it is only when one makes the absolute decision to burn those shadows with the whitest of Light can one keep safe along the path where one's spirit can grow and attune itself to what is being transmitted directly to him by The Universe. 

In 6 months I have fallen harder, farther, and faster than seemingly ever possible  into my own personal Hell. I've been homeless, hungry, penniless, had a gun held against my head and a knife at my throat. I have attempted to numb my excruciating pain through self destructive means. I have cried more tears (and still continue to) than I ever thought physically possible, and suffered more than I honestly thought I could endure, and inevitably considered would be the death of me. 

But in 6 months I have also seen what I can only explain as Devine Intervention. I have physically felt the presence of my Guardian Angels. I have, and continue to, attune my physical and spiritual being to the messages and signs those Angels send to me with ever more frequency. I have reconnected with my dearest and oldest friends by coming home. I have learned to let go, and found new wisdom by becoming strong enough to know when I need help and brave enough to ask for it. I have witnessed miracles born from love, and I have again learned to feel love in my heart. 

There has been an awakening... And I have felt it!

My heart has found a place for its love to land. Home. With the dearest souls I have ever encountered. So many pure beings of Light that have restored my faith in humanity. I have been overwhelmed by their giving nature and the outpouring of their love. They have all lifted me up, restored my trust in myself, and given me back the hope I'd lost. They have made it very clear to me that I am a good human being and have always been. My doubt and self loathing have been eliminated and replaced with faith and self confidence. I am so truly blessed. 

I still have a long way to go to make a full recovery. My goal for these next 6 months is to allow myself to let my dreams take flight. To build on my new self confidence where nothing will stop me. To learn how to again be able to intimately love another, and how to again be able to trust someone implicitly. To let the wounds cut so deeply into my soul heal without hideous scars. It will take time to get there. But I have the confidence now that it will get there. 

Last night I celebrated. My dear friend Lynda and I toasted to my new life. To my rebirth. And to survival... Survival of the first Six Months Served of a Life Sentence. 

Life is just beginning...

Day 147 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part II

Miracles happen. I have witnessed them. My faith in humanity has at last been restored! My faith in myself has been rediscovered! And I can finally see, hear, and feel what the Universe has been silently screaming in my direction for years now. 

It starts with letting go. Letting go of fear, anger, and hate. Surrendering to a Higher  Power and living life one day at a time. Knowing what I can and cannot control. Trusting myself and listening to my instincts. And accepting love that I never knew existed.

The last 2 weeks have been hard. I continue to feel the void of all I have lost, as well as the sadness and pain left in its wake. But I have felt something new as of recent that now coexists with this darkness. I can find faith where I once had none. I can hear and feel my Guiding Spirits giving me assurances and strengthening my instincts. I can let go of that which I cannot control and surrender to the Universe. And I have become strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when I need help, and brave enough to ask for it. 

I am 3 weeks into my new home. My new landlord has been gracious enough to allow me to pay weekly portions of my rent for my first month so I can get back on my feet. He has opened his door to me when all others have been closed. I've been disqualified from every apartment I've applied to because of the bankruptcy my ex-wife forced me into and the outstanding warrant for my arrest my ex-fiancé made for me at Christmas stating I was stalking her in NC (unbeknownst to me while I was hundreds of miles away in FL shuttling beach rats and holiday drunks around from bar to bar.) Those things tend to show up on the standard background check required when one attempts to rent an apartment... But I digress... I explained to my landlord the challenges I faced and he helped me despite of them. 

Then 2 weeks ago my car (my livelihood as an Uber driver) decided to die on the freeway at 70mph leaving me stranded. I was faced with several hundred dollars of repair work now in addition to several hundred dollars to keep the car insured and a few hundred dollars needed for rent that maxed out my budget. Throw in the little fact that I would be out of work for a full week to allow for the car repairs and let panic ensue!

But instead of panicking and letting anger, fear, and frustration get the better of me I looked to the light. I saw the test the Universe put before me. And I let go and asked my Guiding Spirits for help. They gave me the courage to turn to those who have never turned their back to me, my friends. My oldest and dearest family of friends of my life. 

A miracle happened. 

Those who encouraged me to come home - that circle of lifetime friends - passed the proverbial hat around through the magic of social media to help a fallen comrade and lift him back up on his feet. People I have not seen up to that point for 25+ years. I went to bed that Sunday night praying for help. I woke up to a multitude of letters of love, support, and well wishes. All accompanied by $1600 of collected donations from them to pay for repairs, insurance, and housing so that I could work and have shelter. From my friends. Given with love and without hesitation. 

I cried. I cry as I write this. 

The human heart and soul are so incredibly powerful. And just as one so black cast me aside into the darkness allowing me to doubt my self worth and reason for existence, hundreds have pulled me back into the light with love to let me know that I've always mattered to them, and the hole that would be left by my lack of physical existence would be too great to ever fill. 

Suzy, who I wrote about in my last post, continues to tell me that daily. Lynda, an old college friend wrote about it recently and has created a new 3rd grade fanbase cheering me on. I'd said something years ago about her that lifted her up during a rough time for her personally, and she's held on to it for all these years. She was teaching her class about Watershed Moments and this is what she said:

Lamar Wilson and I attended college together, and I didn’t know him well. It was a small department at a small school, so we knew of each other and after we graduated I got to know his unique performance style.Over the last year Lamar has fallen on hard times.

I don’t mean he got a bummer of a performance review or got a flat tire on the freeway. I mean life knocked him down and then spit on him once he was there.  Lamar is definitely too nice of a guy for a fate like that to befall him.

Then Lamar asked his friends for help.

Within hours, several of his friends made contributions to give him a leg back up. This includes me.

Now I’m not much in a position to help many people out, but years ago, when I was in college and going through a dark and difficult time, Lamar said something that I really needed to hear. He said it at a party that I didn’t even attend. I’m fairly certain that a lot of people were helped out by Lamar in a similar way.

He paid me a kindness that he didn’t have to, so I paid him one right back.

My hopes are that he will get blessings a thousandfold back for those he distributed to the world.

When she sent that to me I literally went down to my knees and wept. My face and neck tingled, feeling like an electric current was running through me. I think it was my Guardian Angels touching me and allowing me to see the good man I am and giving me the faith to at long last believe it. 

Lynda talks to me daily and brings me fits of laughter and joy with her fantastic sense of humor. We got to finally catch up the other night over the last 25 years. I think we'll collaborate on future projects because the parallels in our lives are as bountiful as the humor we seem to find in them and each other. 

I was told by my aunt months ago that the Universe was beckoning me to go home to revisit things in the past so as to be able to move forward into my future. I hear what it is saying now, and I will continue to listen. I am truly home now. Home amongst the love of my friends and the miracles of which they are, and they bring!