The Irony of It All

"Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you."

I find such great irony in both this quote and this picture, both created by the mind of the same real life individual.

Upon reading this quote a very broken part of me painfully thought of another real life individual hearing this quote in her voice. Of course, the words she never actually uttered to me. But quoted words gave voice to her life destroying actions against me. The result rendering me homeless and destitute without ever being given a single opportunity to defend myself. And then the image... Looking through my shattered prism I can see that same woman depicted as Evil personified... Laughing at me and raising a glass to toast the life and love she destroyed by driving a spear through its heart. There still is a very damaged part of my soul that continues to bleed, and will instinctually see such quotes and images materializing into something resembling that woman. At least I can admit that and know that it is coming from broken place inside me.

The irony lies in the fact that my life which had completely lost all its hope and meaning to me just suddenly launched without warning and is traveling at supersonic speed. And from behind the wheel of this rocket ship there is that first individual I explained at the top of this post. The man who actually said, "Damnation seize my Soul if I give you Quarters, or take any from you." and actually designed the image I posted here. And I'm gonna be on the ride of my life!

In 16 days I will take to the stage of the largest production I have ever been a part of and begin the rehearsal process. After which I will take the helm as the lead role on center stage and perform in front of the largest audiences I've ever seen in my life! The maniac behind the wheel is laughing wildly as he accelerates, and Dear God he is raising a glass to toast me! "To you! I give you Quarters as you seize mine!" he bellows! And I'm trying not to have a heart attack from the thrill filling my bones right now! And I'm grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat as this ride increases speed!!!

The irony of it all...

Ashes to Ashes... Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne... What on Earth does that mean? The Scotch/Irish in me says it means "times gone by" and is about friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten. I watched "When Harry Met Sally" for the umpteenth time the other night, and even Harry was confused by the saying. "Should old acquaintance be forgot? Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances? Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them?"

Sally comes back to say "Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something."

I never really gave it much thought myself until recently. I told the person closest to me today that I feel abandoned. Those I loved most in former life exiled me from their lives a little over a year ago, never to say another word to me - as if I had died. My own family has disappeared from my life as well in a time where I didn't know how to survive until the next tomorrow. Were it not for that one special soul, now dearest to me, I know I wouldn't have seen much beyond July of this year. ​My year long personal human crisis has literally beaten the life out of me so relentlessly I've lost 25% (or roughly 55 pounds) of my former self. The most bowdlerized dismantling created out of my feeling of forgotten abandon which has been keeping me staring bleary eyed into the dark - night after sleepless night - sculpting my evaporating reflection...

2016 beat down the souls of many. And took the souls of many from us. Just this week depriving us of two souls that brought joy to millions. I myself cried an entire night over the loss of Carrie Fisher. Sleepless and sobbing ​like 2 year old over the death of someone I've never met, and then grasping at anything at all to stop the tears by trying to find some logical sense as to WHY exactly I'm so overwrought with emotion. Only to realize over and over again how she and a handful of unknowns created something so magical in a galaxy far, far away some 40 years ago, that still to this day THAT magic continues to make a profound impact on me! It is the very reason why I still have an insatiable appetite to pursue my dream. And in creating my own personal tribute to her (seen at the bottom of this post) I realized how important people are and that we remember them fondly. Because in the blink of an eye, life itself becomes a fleeting memory...

So, as you toast with champagne and share a kiss with someone special as 2017 is born later this evening ponder Sally's take on Auld Lang Syne, and let no one become abandoned. Remember those forgotten, so that they may live on within our souls forever.


For Carrie... Forever Our Princess

Day 356 - There Goes the Groom...

Picture this if you will:

A top secret plan to propose to the woman you love on stage in front of a sold out audience of "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Theatre where you and your betrothed met for the first time. A plan so well conceived that you create a custom designed engagement & wedding ring, calculate the precise time you can actually have her two children and your brother all together in attendance - the three most important people in your life other than the woman you will propose to, blessings from both of her parents with her son at your side smiling and excited to hear his grandparents' approval, and the coordination with the Artistic Director of the Theatre where this is all going to come to a climactic conclusion one Saturday evening in May.

The night arrives! The cast is buzzing with excitement as they hear of what is about to happen during the opening curtain speech! The nervous man flips through his proposal speech wrought with the symbolism of the dragonfly animal spirit - a symbol important to her - representing metamorphosis of life! The actor portraying Jesus actually jokes with the man backstage by saying "You deny me?" when offering the man shaking his head "No" for a pen to write down some last minute notes on his speech!

The big moment! She is called upon from center stage by the man! The audience holds their breath as she glides across the stage finding him down on one knee, and then explodes into applause and a standing ovation when she says YES!!!!

It was a night straight out of a Fairytale!

But that is really it all was... A Fairytale ...

Today, October 2nd, 2016 was the day that nervous man was supposed to marry that beautiful princess. The day that Lamar & Shannon were to become Mr. & Mrs. Wilson. My wedding day....

In retrospect I suppose Jesus' denial joke to me backstage should have been an omen as my bride-to-be betrayed me albeit three times last October. Once by her infidelities, again by her excommunication of me from my life and home - my Garden of Eden, and thirdly by lying a final time to authorities condemning me to arrest and incarnation if I were ever to return to North Carolina. My own personal Judas... And my own metaphorical Crucifixion ending my life as I then knew it...

"Life goes on..." Or so they say. And mine has limped along nursing a still badly broken heart. My angels have been very quiet lately. My nightmares and insomnia have been monstrous noisemakers though. Dreams of the only son I would have once had - the boy parked at my side in his grandparents' living room as I nervously asked for their blessings to wed their daughter - dreams of this young man asking why I couldn't at least see him at Christmas. Dreams of the only daughter I could have ever known and her last soul searing scornful words to me that pierced my heart. Waking at 3AM and listening to the silence alone in the dark. 

I am indeed very sad today. And maybe that is why my Angels stifle themselves so. Because it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to remember the Fairytale. The Fairytale is full of love and warm memories that remain as the postcards in the scrapbook of my mind. The happiest of times to smile about and cherish. Maybe that is the lesson today as I reflect. Because when those memories come to life as I close my eyes and remember, it can push the darkness of my anger, pain, and resentment aside to allow for me to focus on the positive things instead of the negative ones from the past. And from there to find the goodness and happiness of the here and now where I find myself today...

Day 304 - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

Life hasn't gotten any easier since my last post, but it has taken a turn towards the ridiculous. And I mean that in a positive way.

As an actor I have played every role from DC Comics' Batman to Mary Shelly's Creature created by Dr. Frankenstein; I've rhythmically race baited as only David Mamet could pen upon a page, and fallen from Presidential Grace as Richard Nixon when dissected by David Frost with surgical precision. But I've never ventured far from home when stepping upon the stage for every performance.

Today I find myself 1400+ miles away from where I landed in January after my life was aborted and the woman I loved abandonded me in Charlotte, NC leaving me homeless almost a year ago. (You can read my initial posts from 2015 to get the history) This week I find myself on the road in Virginia on tour with a small band of brothers performing a Vaudvillian style western show where I play a sort of Bud Abbott Town Marshall accompanied by a Lou Costello Deputy who have to deal with a couple of bad guys deadset on shooting the Marshall as they pass through town.

I'm pushing 50 and have never been on the road as an actor. The irony in this is that I would have never considered this over the last 15 years. There were always those whom I needed to provide for at home - either financially or as a proverbial punching bag for either of the past mates I tied myself to because of my extremely poor past judgement in women. And now after losing damn near everything I find myself the perfect specimen as a "touring actor." Still homeless and broke for all intensive purposes I find a small amount of stability at last becoming somewhat self sufficient for the first time in a year.

And it is Good!

On the flip side I find myself missing my best friend. She who scooped me & my Frances (the cat) up out off the street, managed to stop my drastic 50 pound  poverty & starvation weight loss streak by feeding me daily. And loving me daily. Making me feel wanted again daily. Giving me back joy and laughter daily. Finding my inner child at long last again and giving him back the world as a playground, while having the love and patience to pick him up again and again when he falls down. I love her dearly and miss the kisses she restocks into the dimple on my chin every so often as to "keep my chin up" so they don't fall out! I miss my Frances who, I am told, has been roaming the halls crying and searching for her Daddy! I miss them terribly....

That is the Bad...

The Ugly started on I-40 as we drove by an interchange to I-77 --> Charlotte, NC... 

All at once the pain from my past life overwhelmed me and tears erupted as I looked through the trees rushing by my window. Memories of a family camping trip and white water rafting stabbed at my heart. Sleep was soon invaded by nightmares of a love lost clawing her way back into my peaceful dreams, ransacking every corner of unconsciousness. Like Poe's Raven, casting it's shadow upon my chamber door. An unwelcomed reminder of all I once had... Nevermore...

However, upon opening my eyes and waking from the bad dreams I find myself on the road realizing I no longer need what I once had. It would be an obstacle blocking the stage door that opens up to the sight of smiling children who greet me before and after every performance. And in those smiles I am reminded of why I love what I do and do what I love - why I act. Because it is only there that I am reminded that pain is fleeting, and the joy both given and taken on the stage overcomes a lifetime of sadness, if even for a moment. Followed thereafter by  homecoming kisses filling up an empty chin dimple, and purring yowls of joy twisting through my ankles. ☺️

Day 253 - 9 months to term... Stillborn......

Day turns into night... Night divides the day... For weeks at a time... And the darkness falls again... With the eternalness of a death spiral meeting me upon each sunrise....

All that remains is the pain. Sleep has given up its loving embrace to quiet my mind. Food is a luxury item donated by the kind hearts of others. Family is nonexistent. If it were not for the love of friends I'd have aborted my "rebirth" months ago... Long before the 3rd trimester of hopelessness found me shrunken and so broken... Dwindling down roughly fifty pounds from where I was in October....

The car is dead...

I am again homeless...

I am jobless...

I am penniless...

I am hungry...

I am sleepless...

I am so tired...

Joy is fleeting...

And if it were not for the love and kindness of a dear friend I would have nothing at all...

Dark thoughts cloud my mind as I lie sleepless in my nightmare....

I still tell myself that the sun will indeed rise each day, and with it is born a new opportunity for another chance at life...

But lately the day sneers at the rising sun with the breath of Hell, and another chance at life lies stillborn...

I need my Angels...

Come fly to me and pick me up!

11:11

Day 197 - A Story & A Snack

Kindergarten children have it sewn up when they are sad. They lean on someone they can trust looking for reassurance, and are told it will soon be time for a story & a snack. At that time all will be well in their worlds. 

I find comfort in knowing I've allowed myself to trust again, if only finding it in one other soul as of late. But it is progress. Days lately have been wrought with futile attempts to move forward. Money is non existent and food tends to be a luxury item. The harder I work the less I seem to have to show for it. This too shall pass I keep telling myself. 

Depression is a dangerous animal to give shelter to. It whispers darkness that steals light and joy. And within its silence a deafening roar of futility drowns out all progress made in the months past. 

It is here where I turn to the one I've grown to trust to illuminate the shadows I slip into. And with a smile, a hug, and a quick fill up of kisses to the dimple in my chin (so as I keep my chin up lest the kisses fall out) I am offered a story and a snack along with the promise that life is going to be great again. 

And that keeps me going another day more!

Day 162 - Six Months Served of a Life Sentence

It has been exactly 6 months today since I was driven from my former life. Many, many things have happened along the way. Every emotion in existence has poured through my soul. It has been a tumultuous time and an incredibly challenging journey I've found myself on. And now, 6 months into this journey of self discovery I quietly reflect on my victories and my failures. 

I still find myself bewildered by the fact that in the blink of an eye the woman I loved so deeply betrayed me. Brutally betrayed me and left me with literally nothing and put me on the street keeping me homeless for 5 months. She destroyed my life. Overnight. The woman I loved so dearly evicted me from our home together, which I paid for and worked so hard to create for her and her children during our 2 and a half years of co-inhabiting. She stole all of my property from me, lied to a magistrate and had me taken away in shackles from my best friend's house and committed into a mental hospital against my will, lied again to law enforcement and took a warrant out for my arrest for stalking her at Christmas even though I was hundreds of miles away in Florida. I actually spoke to NC law enforcement and legal counsel who all sympathized with my situation but told me I was "Shit out of luck" in not so many words because of how calculating each of her actions were. And finally, she poisoned the well so deeply with her lies about me that to this day I've not had so much as a single person in Charlotte (save 2) I considered friend or family ever even ask if I am ok. Nor any contact from anyone giving me any opportunity to explain my side of things or defend myself. I spent 15 years of my life there, and now I cannot ever go back. There is nothing left because of this woman. One cannot write fiction better than this. I feel like the Ben Affleck character from "Gone Girl." Manipulated, deceived, judged and cast aside like garbage without a single word by the very woman who told me I was her soul mate and would grow old with me. The entire experience of literally losing everything gives new meaning to the phrase "Mid-Life Crisis."

Never in my life have I encountered another human being so heartless and cruel. I've seen her now very infrequent blog posts chalked full of her self proclaimed goodness and concern for those finding themselves in hard times or horrible loss, and her hypocrisy as she encourages love, acceptance, and human kindness astounds me. I don't know if she is that delusional, or just being a sick kind of passive aggressive. Her latest post of comparing herself to a Phoenix rising from the ashes takes the cake! I have truly looked into the eyes of a succubus where I lost my identity while all the time believing in her and loving her. It turns out that she is in fact NOT pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough... For anyone... She is quite ugly, conniving & manipulating, and what some would consider dark and evil. 

But focusing on the black hole that sucked me in and ripped me to shreds would undermine the lessons and enlightenment I have discovered on my new path. I believe I was made to endure the darkness she buried me in so that I would be forced to either die in shadow or rise to the light. 

I said in my first post months ago that I could live or I could die - the choice was mine alone. And I chose to live. 

What I didn't know then was how complicated that would be. And when I say complicated, I mean facing choices that the Universe presents for me to make. Obstacles placed before me purposely to see if I can choose the path in the Light, or test me to see if I walk along the line of Light & Dark and still keep my balance. 

The balance cannot be kept. There is only self destruction that ensues by letting just a thin shadow of darkness throw a veil over the brightest paths of Light. It eats at one's soul like an aggressive acid, slowly dissolving away the purity of all the good places in one's path. And it is only when one makes the absolute decision to burn those shadows with the whitest of Light can one keep safe along the path where one's spirit can grow and attune itself to what is being transmitted directly to him by The Universe. 

In 6 months I have fallen harder, farther, and faster than seemingly ever possible  into my own personal Hell. I've been homeless, hungry, penniless, had a gun held against my head and a knife at my throat. I have attempted to numb my excruciating pain through self destructive means. I have cried more tears (and still continue to) than I ever thought physically possible, and suffered more than I honestly thought I could endure, and inevitably considered would be the death of me. 

But in 6 months I have also seen what I can only explain as Devine Intervention. I have physically felt the presence of my Guardian Angels. I have, and continue to, attune my physical and spiritual being to the messages and signs those Angels send to me with ever more frequency. I have reconnected with my dearest and oldest friends by coming home. I have learned to let go, and found new wisdom by becoming strong enough to know when I need help and brave enough to ask for it. I have witnessed miracles born from love, and I have again learned to feel love in my heart. 

There has been an awakening... And I have felt it!

My heart has found a place for its love to land. Home. With the dearest souls I have ever encountered. So many pure beings of Light that have restored my faith in humanity. I have been overwhelmed by their giving nature and the outpouring of their love. They have all lifted me up, restored my trust in myself, and given me back the hope I'd lost. They have made it very clear to me that I am a good human being and have always been. My doubt and self loathing have been eliminated and replaced with faith and self confidence. I am so truly blessed. 

I still have a long way to go to make a full recovery. My goal for these next 6 months is to allow myself to let my dreams take flight. To build on my new self confidence where nothing will stop me. To learn how to again be able to intimately love another, and how to again be able to trust someone implicitly. To let the wounds cut so deeply into my soul heal without hideous scars. It will take time to get there. But I have the confidence now that it will get there. 

Last night I celebrated. My dear friend Lynda and I toasted to my new life. To my rebirth. And to survival... Survival of the first Six Months Served of a Life Sentence. 

Life is just beginning...

Day 147 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part II

Miracles happen. I have witnessed them. My faith in humanity has at last been restored! My faith in myself has been rediscovered! And I can finally see, hear, and feel what the Universe has been silently screaming in my direction for years now. 

It starts with letting go. Letting go of fear, anger, and hate. Surrendering to a Higher  Power and living life one day at a time. Knowing what I can and cannot control. Trusting myself and listening to my instincts. And accepting love that I never knew existed.

The last 2 weeks have been hard. I continue to feel the void of all I have lost, as well as the sadness and pain left in its wake. But I have felt something new as of recent that now coexists with this darkness. I can find faith where I once had none. I can hear and feel my Guiding Spirits giving me assurances and strengthening my instincts. I can let go of that which I cannot control and surrender to the Universe. And I have become strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when I need help, and brave enough to ask for it. 

I am 3 weeks into my new home. My new landlord has been gracious enough to allow me to pay weekly portions of my rent for my first month so I can get back on my feet. He has opened his door to me when all others have been closed. I've been disqualified from every apartment I've applied to because of the bankruptcy my ex-wife forced me into and the outstanding warrant for my arrest my ex-fiancé made for me at Christmas stating I was stalking her in NC (unbeknownst to me while I was hundreds of miles away in FL shuttling beach rats and holiday drunks around from bar to bar.) Those things tend to show up on the standard background check required when one attempts to rent an apartment... But I digress... I explained to my landlord the challenges I faced and he helped me despite of them. 

Then 2 weeks ago my car (my livelihood as an Uber driver) decided to die on the freeway at 70mph leaving me stranded. I was faced with several hundred dollars of repair work now in addition to several hundred dollars to keep the car insured and a few hundred dollars needed for rent that maxed out my budget. Throw in the little fact that I would be out of work for a full week to allow for the car repairs and let panic ensue!

But instead of panicking and letting anger, fear, and frustration get the better of me I looked to the light. I saw the test the Universe put before me. And I let go and asked my Guiding Spirits for help. They gave me the courage to turn to those who have never turned their back to me, my friends. My oldest and dearest family of friends of my life. 

A miracle happened. 

Those who encouraged me to come home - that circle of lifetime friends - passed the proverbial hat around through the magic of social media to help a fallen comrade and lift him back up on his feet. People I have not seen up to that point for 25+ years. I went to bed that Sunday night praying for help. I woke up to a multitude of letters of love, support, and well wishes. All accompanied by $1600 of collected donations from them to pay for repairs, insurance, and housing so that I could work and have shelter. From my friends. Given with love and without hesitation. 

I cried. I cry as I write this. 

The human heart and soul are so incredibly powerful. And just as one so black cast me aside into the darkness allowing me to doubt my self worth and reason for existence, hundreds have pulled me back into the light with love to let me know that I've always mattered to them, and the hole that would be left by my lack of physical existence would be too great to ever fill. 

Suzy, who I wrote about in my last post, continues to tell me that daily. Lynda, an old college friend wrote about it recently and has created a new 3rd grade fanbase cheering me on. I'd said something years ago about her that lifted her up during a rough time for her personally, and she's held on to it for all these years. She was teaching her class about Watershed Moments and this is what she said:

Lamar Wilson and I attended college together, and I didn’t know him well. It was a small department at a small school, so we knew of each other and after we graduated I got to know his unique performance style.Over the last year Lamar has fallen on hard times.

I don’t mean he got a bummer of a performance review or got a flat tire on the freeway. I mean life knocked him down and then spit on him once he was there.  Lamar is definitely too nice of a guy for a fate like that to befall him.

Then Lamar asked his friends for help.

Within hours, several of his friends made contributions to give him a leg back up. This includes me.

Now I’m not much in a position to help many people out, but years ago, when I was in college and going through a dark and difficult time, Lamar said something that I really needed to hear. He said it at a party that I didn’t even attend. I’m fairly certain that a lot of people were helped out by Lamar in a similar way.

He paid me a kindness that he didn’t have to, so I paid him one right back.

My hopes are that he will get blessings a thousandfold back for those he distributed to the world.

When she sent that to me I literally went down to my knees and wept. My face and neck tingled, feeling like an electric current was running through me. I think it was my Guardian Angels touching me and allowing me to see the good man I am and giving me the faith to at long last believe it. 

Lynda talks to me daily and brings me fits of laughter and joy with her fantastic sense of humor. We got to finally catch up the other night over the last 25 years. I think we'll collaborate on future projects because the parallels in our lives are as bountiful as the humor we seem to find in them and each other. 

I was told by my aunt months ago that the Universe was beckoning me to go home to revisit things in the past so as to be able to move forward into my future. I hear what it is saying now, and I will continue to listen. I am truly home now. Home amongst the love of my friends and the miracles of which they are, and they bring!

Day 131 - The Miracle of Friendship, Part 1

Each day I read the memes like the one posted here above. I used to post each one on my Facebook page as I read them. Now I will only post one or two per day as it pertains to how I feel on any particular day. It may seem silly, and others have told me "Enough! Good grief!" But I find these daily reminders quite inspirational. They give me affirmation of the positive thoughts I try to keep circulating through my heart, mind, and soul. And believe it or not they bring on the positive energy they are written about. They speak of lessons needed to be learned to free one's soul. 

Last week I sat at the airport much as I do each day waiting for arriving passengers needing a ride. I received a Facebook friend request from what appeared to be a former high school classmate. There were very few mutual friends listed, no photo of the person, and a rather generic message stating, "Hi I am so excited to find you!  How are you? I've sent a friend request I hope you dont mind..." The profile picture was a meme with the following poem by Jean Kyler McMamus entitled The Miracle Of Friendship:

There is a miracle called Friendship

that dwells within the heart

and you don't know how it happens

or when it even starts.

But the happiness it brings you

always gives a special lift

and you realize that Friendship

is God's most precious gift.

In today's day and age cyber hacking and identity theft are rampant. And because of no other photo and the generic message sent to me I considered the request spam and deleted it. 

Last Saturday I was sitting in the same terminal and in the same parking space waiting on a dispatch to pick up another passenger at the airport. I received another message and friend request from the same individual. Only this time the message said, "I have not talked to you since your senior yr in HS. You played the elephant man in the school play. That was an awesome role and you were amazing. Personally your friendship meant a lot to me." At that point I knew that this was indeed someone genuine and not a hacker trying to hijack my Facebook account. 

We chatted throughout the morning through the messaging app and at some point she'd stated that she'd like to see me again if I'm out her direction. I racked my brain to try and put a face with her name. I kept coming up blank. But I felt like there was a reason this person has been put in my path. I am constantly working to listen to what the Universe is telling me, and I was feeling an unexplainable urge that afternoon to see why exactly this woman was made to reconnect with me. And as the Universe would have it, I found myself drawing ever closer to her location upon each fare I picked up & dropped off that afternoon. I felt my Guiding Spirits were speaking to me, and I at last surrendered to their message and drove across the lake to find out who this individual was and why she has been put in my path. I knew there had to be a reason! So, upon crossing the lake just as I had thousands of times in my youth, I found myself back in my hometown. And I sent her a message saying that I'd found my way nearby and would she like to join me for lunch. My phone rang immediately and I headed to her apartment following a quick conversation with her. I still could not remember her face, but I felt a presence giving assurance that I needed to meet her. 

I made it to her address, quickly straightened myself up and walked to her door. The door opened. And then it all came flooding back to me when I saw her. Little Suzy. The little girl from the past severely hobbled by a crippling disease and many painful surgeries. The little girl from school who loved giving and receiving hugs from all of my former classmates. The little girl, who had looked up from her crutches in High School, her big brown eyes full of tears, reaching up to me after one of my final performances as John Merrick, The Elephant Man, grabbing hold of me to tell me how much I had touched her with my character. There she was again. All grown up. Her hair longer with a few grey hairs, but the same little girl. I hugged her close and then helped her into the car to go find a place to eat and talk. 

Throughout our conversation it was made clear to me exactly why she had been placed in my path. Her story of loss, suffering, pain, and loneliness erupted in tears over the table, and I found myself recalling the memes I so often read and reciting them back to her to say that she is not alone, and that something great lies ahead for her. At the same time I was reminded myself of the very same thing, though my loss and pain could not even compare to what she had been made to suffer through. As it turns out she had been writing her life's story and there is great interest from a publisher. I told her that her story can inspire millions of people. That maybe her book is why she has had a difficult life, and that her story could bring about hope in people that have lost it. I felt myself touched by the telling a of her past, and it stirred something within me. Soon I saw her big brown eyes grow brighter, her tears faded away, and before I knew it the inner child in me had her doubled over in laughter. She touched my inner being. The one lost for so long. And like a jack-n-the-box I found myself wound up and popping out with excitement. The real me. And we both said goodbye to each other with new rejuvenation of life. She promised me she would keep writing. That she would finish her book she'd stopped because of the past pain it all brought back. And she is writing. And I have promised to go see her every week to get her out of the house a bit for some time with an old friend. And maybe a few bear hugs!

Day 123 - Brick & Mortar: The Foundation of Victory

I woke up this morning for the first time in a month with heat, and was able to take a hot shower. There are so many things we take for granted... Until they are stripped away from us. So, this morning I celebrate a victory! I am at last no longer homeless. I have secured lodging made of brick & mortar. And I finally have a physical address I can use where I will now call home for the foreseeable future!

I spoke with an old friend last week who had also fallen on hard times, not unlike myself. In our conversation I tried to convey to him positive thoughts and hope. It turns out positive energy found its mark for both of us: I found a home and he made his first commission on a new job! After we spoke and congratulated each other on our personal victories he wrote the following:

"Things I learned today:

The word "perspective" is from the Latin word "perspicere" meaning to see through. In other words, with the proper perspective you can see through all the bullshit that life has the audacity to send your way. 

Proper perspective leads to a proper outlook on life. This leads to seeing those yearly, monthly, weekly and daily victories. And by all means, when those victories come (I promise they will) never forget to spike the ball, do your end zone dance and celebrate."

When we spoke after he posted that he stated, "See, I was paying attention today when we spoke!"

And that really sums it up for me. No matter how awful things seem to be, someone somewhere is in an equally dismal situation. From the darkness of a rat infested and filthy hovel I held onto faith that life will get better and to not give up! And when he explained his state of depression and hopelessness I told him to give it one more day. That tomorrow brings new opportunities for us all. And to trust that a Higher Power has something better for us. Have faith. 

The next day brought victories for both of us; a new home for me, and a healthy commission for him. Victories that gave us both a revitalized strength to carry on, and a rejuvenated faith that the Universe IS listening.

And the light we walk in grows brighter, and I am dancing my happy dance in the end zone while my friend is spiking the ball over his own goal line!